Flashbacks seeing my Dad die.

Hi everyone. Hope you are all ok.
I lost my Dad in February. Everyone said that it will get better in time. After the funeral etc. It hasn’t! In fact I feel worse.
I keep getting flashbacks of my Dad dying and his eyes. I cry so much and really miss him. I sometimes feel like I panic because I will never see him again.
Mornings are the worst.
Has anybody had the same flashbacks?
Does anybody recommend counselling maybe?
Thank you x

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Hi,
I was with my mum when she died in December and yes, I get the flashbacks all the time. I play it through, did I do enough, did she know I was there, etc. I think its normal. Its too early to start feeling better, the funeral brings closure to the events leading up to the loss, then the healing starts. I lost my dad 2 years ago and I miss him still but the crippling grief has gone or I’ve learned to live with it. Its the year of firsts - First bithday without them, first christmas, fitst fathers / mothers day, first anniversary etc. I had counselling from the hospice and it helps in the moment and it helps to normalise your feelings and to know that someone will listen without telling you to buck up. Ultimately though, i still have bouts of grief over my mum that bring me to my knees but not as frequently as i did when i first lost her. I hope this helps you x

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Sorry for your loss, what an awful shock for you. The flashbacks for me were so bad that I had EMDR therapy to help me manage the feelings of panic and helpness. It was my son’s eyes too, the light literally goes out doesnt it and the pain in your heart as you see this just doesnt go away or fade. Coping with the pain and flashbacks of the trauma of something so hugely traumatising changes us, if you’re really struggling to cope with the memory, counselling may help. EMDR replaced the memory with one of my son in happier circumstances so now instead of that awful moment, I see my son in a happy place instead. I wasnt able to manage the flashbacks on my own, i needed help to come to terms with it and to process it.
Sending you loving and healing thoughts.

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Thank you so much. I’m sorry for your loss. Your words help a lot. X

Thank you. So sorry for your loss.
Your words help because I feel like that. Was there something I could have done. There wasn’t. Guilt plays a big part too.
I think I will look into having therapy.
I really appreciate you responding. Sending love and healing thoughts back xx :heart:

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It’s a brutal & life changing experience isn’t it. We’ll never be the same again, after seeing our parents go through that. All I can say as someone who’s a bit further down the line than you is that the searing agony does diminish, the grief can still floor you unexpectedly but we just have to learn to manage this new life we’ve been given. I try to rationalise the last moments by telling myself everyone who has ever lived has passed, and all of us will too. If it’s reasonably peaceful and we have loved ones with us, that’s the best possible way. It doesn’t ease the pain but helps me rationalise it a bit. If you feel you aren’t making any progress in the weeks & months ahead, counselling is a good idea & many people do benefit from it. Take care and be kind to yourself, do whatever you need to do to get through this and don’t feel any pressure to do things a certain way. We’re all unique & our ways of dealing with this are unique too.

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It certainly is. Brutal and life changing is exactly how it is.
Thanks so much for your message.
I suppose it hasn’t been that long since Dad passed.
Take care xx

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@JB86 Just read your post & experienced the same in March. Watching my Dad dying & seeing it over & over in my mind. The light going from his eyes & them still being open just haunt me. I don’t want to forget it tho as it’s the last time I saw him. I too panic about this new forever without him. I think counselling is a good Avenue to explore. I’ve not arranged it yet myself but my GP did give me meds for anxiety & I’m using them sparingly. Thankyou for sharing, it’s nice to kno I’m not alone. X

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Bless you. It’s nice to know I’m not alone too. We had a similar experience.
I take meds because I have facial dystonia and one of them is for anxiety. I take one at night before bed and it does help. So sorry about your Dad.
I’m going to look into getting counselling. I feel I need some help. I hope you get thd help you need. Being able to talk about it on here has made me feel a bit better today. Everyone is so lovely xx

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@JB86 Thankyou for your kind words. The primary reason I joined the site was I was struggling to comprehend what had happened & I wanted to connect with others who knew how this felt. I hope you’ve managed in some small way to find the same outlet for your grief. X

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I lost my dad in February too! I was with him when he passed. I have flashbacks all the time. I have a huge regret of not holding his hand while he passed. I agree it doesn’t get easier with time, it gets harder as they feel further away. Be kind to yourself xx :heart:

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I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the worst feeling ever losing our beloved Dads.
I can understand why you regret not holding his hand. He would know you were there though and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to feel that way.
Thank you for your message. It feels better not being alone and knowing people feel the same. I’m sorry you have the flashbacks, I have them all the time too, especially Dads eyes. I don’t think I will ever get over it to be honest.
Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too x :heart:

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Hello everyone.

I was with my husband of 52 and a half years when he died of Bladder Cancer in September 2021. I cannot get that picture out of my mind watching him breathe so deeply and finally taking that last breath! It haunts me every day. I had never seen anyone die and I’m filled with sadness every day. I held his hand and kept telling him how much I loved him. His shoes are still underneath the chair when he slipped out of them. His clothes are untouched in the wardrobe. So many memories. I look around and think of things undone and I forgot to ask him what to do.

I look out in the garden and picture him at work, wiping his brow when coming indoors and enjoying a cup of coffee with me.

I review his illness every day and think of things that could have been done differently but it just doesn’t change the outcome.

Each day is a challenge and my world is empty without him.

His wish was to be cremated and so that was done. However, I feel that if he had been buried his skeleton would still be there and somehow it would feel better for me. His ashes are in a basket — a pile of dust — and it almost feels like he never existed. I know that sounds crazy but that’s how I feel.

I have three lovely children — so supportive — and three wonderful grandchildren, lots of friends and neighbours second to none! I have a lovely home and so very much to be grateful for. I am not lonely BUT I am ALONE!

Grief is so hard to bear. One day you wake and everything is fine and the next day all you want to do is CRY!

Thank you for listening.

Dorrie :two_hearts:

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Hi
I had the same problems as you. I watched my dad take his last breath at his home. I had to shut his eyes when he passed and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Made me feel sad, anxious and scared.
I got online grief councilling from Sue Ryder website and it helped me so much to talk to someone who new what I was going through. I would recommend any one reaching out for help as I did.

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Hi Dorrie.
I am so sorry for your loss.
My Mum still has Dads clothes untouched in the wardrobe.
I understand how you feel about the creamation. I had a beautiful ring made with some of my Dads ashes in it. I wear it all the time. It makes me feel like part of him will always be with me.
Thinking of you and understand exactly how you feel.
You can always message me if you would like to. I know that alone feeling, although I have my Mum and Sister and friends, it is difficult to talk and explain how you feel.

Look after yourself xxx

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Thank you.
Sorry for your loss.
It is so hard to see our Dads take their last breath. I have a huge anxiety problem too.
I’m going to try the on line grief counselling, thank you for that. I’m glad its helped you.
Take care xx

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Thank you so much for understanding how I felt watching my husband die. Re-living those last days is heartbreaking. :smiling_face_with_tear::smiling_face_with_tear:

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So sorry you’re going through this. I joined today because I’m having the same problem. My Mum died in April and I still feel so tired all the time. I’ve started dreaming about her last hours again and I don’t know why.

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Hello,
I’m so sorry to hear your loss, as someone who is further down the line, I lost my dad a few years back. I wish I could tell you it gets better and you learn to live with the loss and it doesn’t control you. I have unfortunately got worse with dealing with it, there are days where I feel on top of the world and I know he’s looking down watching over me and then there are days where I’m bed bound wondering why it all got taken away from me.
You will have amazing days and you will have bad days, there is no time limit on healing, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re still struggling. The only thing I suggest is take each day as it comes, enjoy the better days and just try to get through the bad ones. Watch movies that you love and make you smile, curl up in your blanket or quilt and just try to get though. It’s a lot easier said then done I appreciate that, so on the bad days don’t expect anything from yourself other that to survive it!

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I can’t believe so many of us have gone thru this. I woke up & sobbed because 18 weeks ago today, I saw my Dad for the last time. I don’t know where this sudden emotion has come from. It’s like it happened yesterday. The image of him is really vivid today so maybe that’s it. I still can’t deal with the fact this is forever. I hope everyone else is doing ok. X

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