Hello everyone, just want to know peoples thoughts on this and whether people are disgusted like I am, so I lost my mick 4/12/23, he never told his mother about me, he had his own reasons, mainly, he didn’t want her to know his business as she interfered in his life, anyway, everytime i take flowers to his grave, she puts them in the bin, 
everyone tells me to not worry and he knows I love him without flowers, but it’s not the point, it’s the fact she’s doing it, I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong to her, it’s not my fault her son never told her about me!! Seems like all her anger and hatred and grief is aimed at me, I just find her behaviour to be disrespectful and disgusting!! Taking flowers from her sons grave!! Wouldn’t you think she would be happy someone’s going? She’s 75 so you’d think she would be happy knowing she’s not getting any younger!!! Just don’t know what to think of it all, thanks in advance for any replies
Im sorry that you are having to go through this type of behaviour.
I think your partner kept you apart for good reason. Some people cannot deal with their kids growing up and loving someone other than themselves.
She is a sad lonely individual and i think for your own sanity, you are going to have to stop putting flowers on the grave. Why let this poisonous bitter person spoil what you had with your partner.
If I stop putting flowers on I will think she’s won, but then I think I’m just wasting my time, quite shocking when I go and i see they’ve gone, just don’t know what to do for the best I’ve never known this kind of behaviour before, she’s not interested in trying to get to know me, I could of told her how amazing her son was and how much he was loved, he always said she wanted to be the head and boss of the family, which is very odd behaviour aswel, I know grief affects everyone differently but this is vile
I think it is vile what she is doing to you. What is she like if you’re at the graveside the same time as her. Has she actually tried to talk to you.
Could you try putting a note on the grave for her to read. Just to say, I’m sorry he never told you about me. Could we talk, I would love for you to know him as I knew him. I have photos you could see.
If she doesnt accept, I think I would keep putting the flowers on the grave. Why should you not go and talk with him. Show her, that what she’s doing, doesn’t bother you. I think it’s time she grew up.
I know she has lost her son. I know she is grieving. This is not the way to honour him.
All you can do is try. Good luck, with whatever you choose.
Sending hugs 
@Ang5 in my opinion she is looking for conflict and wants you to attack her, so then she can be the victim
She can’t be the victim at moment, without blaming her son and desecrating his legacy - she won’t get much sympathy for that.
But if you she can trigger you into a confrontation, then she can be ultimate victim - attacked by her sons undisclosed companion while she is trying to deal with the trauma of his death - much better victim narrative
Rise above it and keep putting flowers on his grave - it’s a symbolic gesture in that moment and your connection with him, nothing to do with the flowers themselves.
We all know when we put flowers on our partners graves, they’ll be dead in few days or be eaten by some of the roaming wildlife - we don’t do it for the longevity of the flowers, it’s a symbol of our love and respect for that person. And that’s why we keep doing it
Binning the flowers doesn’t take that away, and she is well aware of that - seeing your flowers is a reminder that her son kept secrets from her or didn’t have enough faith in her to not try damage the relationship.
That’s her problem to deal with, not yours
Thanks everyone, she’s definitely looking for a reaction but won’t get one from me, she told one of his friends “she can’t bare the thought of that girl putting flowers down” the girl who rushed to try and save her son!! Cos she didn’t! Absolutely horrendous the way she makes me feel, she had also said I was nothing to him or she would of known about me! Them
Words affected me for a while cos I’d thought could that be true? But then I remember everything he said about her and know it’s not my fault, and I was something to him, @MemoriesOfUs thanks, I will continue to get flowers, even if they’re there a day, I don’t know how she sleeps knowing she’s binned them! Horrible behaviour, @mags66 ive never seen her face to face since the night I found my mick had gone, she was horrific then aswel so I’d never speak to her
I think she is projecting her guilt and anger about herself onto you. Totally unfair and awful behaviour. You’re doing right to rise above it. As others have said, rise above it as it’s not really about you. It’s all about her.
Of course, in a vulnerable moment you will feel upset and that is okay.
People do odd things. My brother lost his life partner of 20 year in 2020 (she was only 39). Her mother was a total witch and caused upset. She didn’t even invite him to the ashes spreading or tell him where it was. Her daughter would be appalled. But the mum was never nice to Jen either. All guilt and regret on her part pretenting to be a good mum. I take comfort in that she will never see her daughter again in heaven as she is going to hell (all sorts of other behaviour). But my lovely brother will see his girl again.
@RobBeat08 thats awful behaviour, she sounds like my micks mother I just can’t understand why people act like this, I’ve literally done nothing to her, she wasn’t very nice to him and that night I went to find him, she never had a good word to say about him, she lived next door to him in their block of flats and this is how we met cos I had to
Knock on her door to try and get spare key, she was so vile, refused to open his door, so I got police to kick door in but we had waited nearly 3hrs for the police, so in them 3hrs, she was wicked!!! Called him a lot of things, looking back I should of waited downstairs instead of being forced to listen to her! I think she’s definitely directing her guilt and anger at me, wants me out the way cos of the things she said and done (or didn’t do) barred me from his funeral, I went of course, but had to hide at the back 
people are so bizarre! I get that she’s greiving her son but I’m shocked at the way she’s treating me, I
Could of been there for her and helped each other
Sadly, some people are just energy vampires. You need to save your energy for your healing and to remember the better times.
The MIL sounds like a truely horride individual. Life has a way of righting itself.
You keep putting the flowers on as they are for you and him.
Could you get a mamorial someone else you loved? A play for just you?
I hope you’re getting lots of support. And I’m sorry for your loss and this terrinle person you have to deal with. Rob x
Haven’t really got much support, everyone’s gone back to their own lives, there’s a couple of people who ask how I am etc but that’s it, just can’t get over how worthless I’ve been made to feel and like I’ve been eliminated from his life just cos she knew nothing about me!
@Ang5 that’s what her goal is
Don’t empower her - doesn’t matter what people say or think, you know what the relationship was
I had a similar thing with my partner’s family, not binning flowers (they never go to her grave to bin flowers), but similar type of toxicity.
For your own well being, cut ties with her and anyone that supports her narrative - no good will ever come from it and has nothing to do with you - you’re the chosen scapegoat so she doesn’t have to face reality and guilt that she wasn’t there for her son, or, if she’s complete narcissist and believes she did nothing wrong, that her son chose his relationship with you over their relationship
Either way, there’s no outcome where you won’t be the devil incarnate - so just excise the toxicity from your life
@Ang5 People really are awful. You keep taking flowers for your Mick. Forget his mother, she sounds a bitter old harridan. She can’t stop you paying your respects. Death really brings out the worst of humanity. 
They can’t eliminate you for Mile’s life as you were his life. They are the peripheral characters in this story. Not you.
I agree, exercise the toxicity. Some people just don’t deserve the priverlige of older age, and she sounds like one of them.
Keep posting, we’re her for you. You’re not alone.
Ang5 continue to put flowers on the grave .it sounds like she is one that likes being in total control of every aspect of his life.hold your head up high and you have nothing to feel bad about. You have more right than ever to put flowers on micks grave.let her get on with it .mick knows how you felt about him x
@Ang5 if that was me I would still visit the grave but instead I would put the flowers maybe next to a photograph of your partner in your home.
I would keep away from this awful person as she’s playing games with you.
Hiya, you’re right: you could have been there and supported each other but that didn’t happen. You can’t change what did, just as you can’t change the appalling behaviour of another person. But you are totally in control of your reaction to it. If you choose not to let her upset you: she won’t. If anything, feel sorry for her. It must be very hard to carry around so much negativity day in day out. Your best reaction is to keep on doing what you feel is right. Keep your partner in your heart and let her get on with it. You sound like an amazing, strong woman and he would be so proud of you. Take care x
@Ang5 … sorry you going through this but if you want to put flowers on the grave do so but what about keeping some of the bunch and placing them by a photo of your man in your own home…
Dont let her get to you shes not worth it …
Thankyou everyone, I will continue to go with flowers, they’ll only be there a day before the bin gets them but least I’ve tried I just find her behaviour deplorable 
@Cee i had a proper chuckle when I googled harridan and realised that is the exact definition for her 
thanks everyone, it’s so hard to feel strong when I miss him terribly and would do anything for him back yet her priority seems to be anger and hate for flowers 
she’s hell bent on trying to get a reaction or maybe think I’m going to stop going, never 
she told his best mate she’s thinking about getting buried on top of him! I would still take flowers then aswel! Just means nobody will be binning them then
Well removing your flowers from the grave says it all.
What a vile evil woman.
You was better off not meeting her.
Dont let her up set you. X
good on you. & is there no way u could stop her being buried with your mick.
Who owns the grave says who can be buried there. & it would have 2 be a double plot.
I would stop her if i could.