My Richard just loved flowers, he would often bring some flowers home from his Friday supermarket shop…Although I often noticed them sitting in the kitchen when he unloaded his shopping, I rarely ever said anything such as thank you, they are pretty flowers, I just took it for granted so, I recently was sent a brochure through the post of a " letterbox " flowers delivery, I almost threw the brochure into my recycling bag but something got me flicking through the brochure as at forst glance I hadnt realised these flower bunches were real flowers as I have had brochures in the past of silk flowers…Well I ordered some online yesterday and they arrived today by letter post, apparently they say they go through the letterbox…even though the box was large and flat, and hard to believe they do fit but I can see they do, although my lovely post lady left them propping up outside as she saw me outside emptying the bins…To say you get a lot for your money is true, i am impressed but I dont think I will be in a position to afford these every week, maybe once a month but they will sit on the sideboard along with the photo of Richard and my-our three darling dogs which sadly are now with their master if not with their mistress but I hope to be reunited with all three when my time is up…I cant mention the name of the letterbox company but it begins with B & a W…I know Richard would approve although he probably would not pay so much money but he does-did like his flowers so I shall have flowers beside him as and when…Now I am awaiting on 4 wooden photo frames so I can put all 4 photos on my sideboard in the living room, the 3 dogs and Richards photo, along with the 3 dogs ashes boxes, Richards ashes his sister will be making arrangements to have them sent home back in Bedfordshire where Richard will be with his parents and brother…Yes I know living in Dorset I wont be able to go visit him but depending on how things pan out once the solicitor business is sorted and over with I may go back towards home, as that is where my daughter, grandson and great grandson are…I know my life will never be the same again, I also have to think of the isolation of where I am living now with no car and my MS…I know the future terrifies me, my future…I am alone without my Richard for the first time in 17 years of us living together, after first meeting two years previous…How on earth did we reach this? we were younger and fitter with a house and 3 gorgeous dogs once, where did those years go? they were good years we had our whole life ahead of us…the craft fairs, the Stately Homes, the garden shows, the village scarecrows, the village brass bands, yes we were lucky, our village had its own brass band that played often on the village green or at Christmas in the village hall…Ours was a large village but when we arrived it had everything, a bakers, a hardware store, a butchers and a post office…Yes looking back I-we had everything I-we needed, I-we had 3 glorious dogs, I had Richard and most of all, we both had our health plus we were a tad younger…
Oh did I mention I also had some " letterbox " flowers sent to the lovely funeral director who was with me every step of the way, I sent them as a way of saying thank you…The " letterbox " company will even email you when they are are dispatched and when they have been delivered and received by the recipient…
I am up and out of bed, had my first cry already and time is not 7.am yet…Unlocked the back door, looked out at the empty dozen or so different flower pots looking for some life, remembering what Richard would be doing if he was still here with me…Being another Bank Holiday weekend he would be making a trip to a garden centre, coming home with some flower trays ready to pot up…I keep reflecting how he took pride in our garden when we had the house back in Bedfordshire only 3 years ago, how our back garden always looked bursting with life, bursting with colour, we=I also had my dogs going back a few more years, I have photos of the garden with its wisteria over the garage door, the trees and the flower pots. containers and hanging baskets when in full bloom, it just breaks my heart now to see the empty posts that once would be brimming with life and colour…I took so much for granted…I would give anything to go back to those days, just before the need to move from a house with no shower and no stairs all because I was diagnosed late in life ( 64) with my MS…My MS has took away everything I once had, now it has taken my Richard as I dont think he was ever really happy on moving so far away from Bedfordshire to Dorset, once here everything that could be bad, became bad, so much for starting a new life, well I never expected that within 7 months we would lose 1 of our 3 dogs to cancer, ( also lost the other 2 to cancer ) then after 3 years Richard would go too…how cruel life can be…now I am here al alone, no one even comes near me, no neighbours even bother to check up on me…at least my daughter is phoning to check up on me and has swapped phone numbers with one neighbour on site who came to Richards funeral-cremation service…my daughter lives in Hertfordshire and doesn’t drive but my grandson does drive, he too is in Hertfordsire, Richards family are in Bedfordshire but none have anything to do with me, apart from maybe his sister who is 9 years older than Richard was…none of his family helped me with the funeral arrangements, I was left to deal with this by myself, I wish I could tell Richard this but I cant, well I do but whether he hears me or not, I hope he can because I talk and cry every day to him…
Any way, I am going to keep his memory alive with colours of varying flowers as much as I can and I can afford to, this is what he done and would do for me…he always brought back some flowers from his Friday supermarket shop…
Hi Jackie, Simon loved flowers too, especially roses. There are rose bushes in the garden which are just coming out, but it reminds me he’s not here to see them. I have carnations by his photo and a photo of the recent rescue dogs we adopted. That was our life, adopting dogs, and one cat. We had 12 of them over the 30 years, sometimes 5 in our house at once! They were all named at the funeral which made people smile. We couldn’t have children so we had our dogs. I have two brothers who have been great, helping to sort things, but one lives in Cambridge, so I don’t see him very often, so I am alone most of the time. The dogs help me get out of bed. I have been doing the gardening but it’s hard because we used to do it together. I was lucky to have help with the funeral with Simons brother and dad. His dad pops in to see me every Thursday for a cuppa and see how I am. I really feel for him as he lost his wife, son and Simons twin sister when she was 16. I’m now going to try and sleep! Take care. Janet x
Janet…
…my Richards favourite flower-plant was the Fuchsia, he would often pot up a Fuchsia in a large container…
I too love to see flowers and life blossoming although I maybe more a greenery person, I simply love to see trees whereas my Richard did not share my passion but he loved pottering up his several back and front garden pots and containers and front and back door hanging baskets, oh how I would love to be back home now complete with my 3 dogs, my furbabies roaming in the back garden…
Janet, I am very much a dog person but since my late in life MS diagnoses has put paid to that, I just wish I had my old life back, as I have mentioned in posts several times, I had absolutely everything I ever needed, a lovely bricks and mortar house in a nice arae in a nice village, a runaround car, 3 gorgeous dogs, and the perfect man in my life who totally looked after me from day one, I never needed for anything, Oh we weren’t rich just lived comfortably, what more could a female want…
I cry everyday wanting our old life back, we were a tad younger, and we both had our health even if we may have been a tad more overweight than we needed to be…but most of all we had each other and we had our future ahead of us without even thinking about when one of us dies…
Yes part of our lives way back then was visiting Stately Homes outdoor craft fairs and garden shows, what I would give to go back to that life we once had…
Dear Jackie
I so feel for you it must be so hard being isolated. I want my life back too - I know I was still working 4 days a week but we had an amazing holiday home in Devon which Gary loved and every few weeks would drive down there. I don’t know if I can face it again. Every Friday we too would be off somewhere for lunch or pottering about the garden centre or second hand shops. Life was good - too good.
If I were you I may well look to moving back to where you lived with Richard before you moved to Dorset. I am sure your daughter would want you back closer and as beautiful as Dorset is it is not ideal for you with your health problems.
Gary used to buy me flowers all the time - he was such a romantic. We met when we worked together 40 years ago and he used to leave a red rose on my desk every week - sometimes a cadburys flake too - which over the years has done my figure no good at all. I was looking at photos of when we were young - we had changed so much over the years I had forgotten how handsome he was. He played guitar and was amazing on stage - and he was mine. He was the most loving partner and father anyone could ever want and I miss him so much. I too have been awake since 5 am - and now my daughter has gone to work I can give in and cry - I don’t like to worry her so I try and keep it light in the mornings.
You are right how time passes quickly and we move from being young and fit with everything we need to being old and the change is so gradual we accept things as they are thrown at us. Then we lose the most important person in our lives and our grief highlights these changes as without our husbands everything we know has gone. Whether we have family around us or not - we are missing a part of us - probably the best part too.
Everything is such an effort isn’t it - I look at things that need doing - think ages about doing them - write a list and then just sit here on these forums.
Take care
Trisha x
Hi Jackie,
I too long for our old life together. It had its ups and downs, we struggled financially at times but we always got through it. I wouldn’t swop it for anything. We were both fit and worked and went out to the countryside to walk the dogs. We even flew kites, just like big kids, but it was fun. We were always going to garden centres but I had to pull him away from the tools sometimes! I did and still do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but he understood me and helped me. He was the kindest man who would do anything for anyone. He even gave his lunch to one of his workmates because he didn’t have any. Don’t get me wrong, he also had his stubborn moments! It is such a shame you can’t have more dogs. Maybe if you move back to be near your daughter, she could help you look after one. I know how quiet the house is without a dog. Since I was diagnosed with sjorgrens it has been a bit of a challenge sometimes, as the fatigue and aching joints can be bad at times. Yep as you, I long for the simpler, happy and content life we had. I take comfort in knowing he is surrounded by all our fur babies and I hope I will be with them one day.
Janet x
I have loved to read about your life fostering/adopting dogs, because mine has been very similar. Always seemed to be taking in some poor dog or other especially when there wasn’t the rescue centres as there is now. I also have had a house full of dogs, so much so that my mother refused to come and visit because of dog hairs. I now have two dogs, both rescue. One I found in a dog pound on her last day. I bought her home to see if I could train her. What a super dog she is. Nothing was known about her and she had no name. We called her Beepa on the way home from the pound which is Brian and my initials the other little terrier we fostered but he ended up staying. I adore them both, wouldn’t be without them for the world. I agree the dogs get you out of bed when at your lowest. Little Bugsy sit’s on my head and glares at me. He wants to go out for his walk.
The garden has been the hardest for me also although I have two large allotment plots (His and mine). We always worked close together in the garden and it was his garden before we got married. I did manage to work out there this week though. Once I got started I managed to keep going and pleased now that I have.
Brian loved flowers and I am amazed how his allotment plot is full of flowers already. Just self seeded but a mass of colour. I like to think it’s his doing. I am planting yet more so that it will be a tribute to my Brian and I hope other members will stop and look at it. Take care. Pat xxx
Trisha…
…I may not have a choice but first I need to see the end of this solicitor business and catch up with paying my bills, my utility bills and the funeral-cremation costs although no pressure has been placed upon me, their bereavements departments are - have been very understanding…Yes it is an option that has been playing on my mind as to whether I shall be able to remain in my parkhome here in Dorset or whether I will need to free up money and think of heading back towards Bedfordshire but, I will need to give it a few months first to see how my money-bills fare out before I decide on my best option…Another thing I need to take on board s a bus service, it is so isolated where I now live…beautiful yes, but isolated, and Ideal for the senior actives, hiking-rambling etc, and more so if you own a dog-dogs…
Dear Jackie
Yes of course you must take your time. It is hard to think straight at these times and you do not need any added pressure. It is hard enough to deal with just the day to day things.
I grew up in the country so know the tribulations of living in beautiful areas that are without bus services or the like. My mother was devastated when they said she was no longer allowed to drive as she felt so cut off. She told me I had become a townie! I wish I could offer more help.
Trisha x
Reading your post Jackie as you write i-we, I still refer to ‘our’ son, ‘our’ daughter, ‘our’ house, ‘our’ bedroom. Can not think of any as anything else , also it has always been ‘we’…
Truly believe you will realise your dream and move to the place you will feel at peace ☆
Blessings
Jen☆
Jen…
…i too do that all the time, more so when I am on the phone…I keep talking of " we " or
" our " then correcting myself and saying, " what am i saying, Richard is not here anymore, it is just me…"
Richard is still here with you in spirit, so please don’t correct yourself, you’re doing great by still keeping him with you.
We don’t have to apologise for our feelings, they are personal and unique to each and every one of us. Please still include your lovely Richard in all your conversations, thoughts, everything. 12 months on, Alan has been included in my life every single day, I talk to him constantly, sometimes I feel sure he’s cursing me from ‘upstairs’ to give his ears a rest. ‘Upstairs’ is my terminology for my spirit guides, ascended masters, family in the spirit world and more importantly my beloved husband Alan. When I’m talking collectively, I always refer to 'them upstairs ’ they know who I’m talking about. I’m a very strong believer in the spirit world, wouldn’t dream of imposing my beliefs on others but gladly share with those who also believe.
Our loved ones are always close and protect and guide us as much as they are permitted to.
Truly hope you have a very pleasant weekend, as much as you can do .
Oh yes, Richard was the quiet one, I was-I am the talker…I am not giving my Richard one minute of a breather…I can here him now, begging me to, " just give it a rest… "
Hi Pat,
Our dogs were our lives. It was chaos at times, but we loved it. Our very last dog passed away in Jan 2018 and I said that I couldn’t have anymore because it hurt too much when I had to let them go. But it was so quiet in the house, we missed being leapt on when we came home. Simon started looking on our local rescue centre and I kept saying no but he persuaded me. We went to see Baxter, a beagle cross who came from Spain, a street dog, and we brought him home. A month later we saw Cassie, a jackahuahua, whose owner has suddenly passed away. So that was us, with two lovely dogs. But then everything changed. Simon passing away suddenly in November was a terrible shock. I was in a daze for weeks after. They are company for me, and they comfort me when I need it. Simon was a landscape gardener, though our garden always came last! He loved the flowers, especially the roses. I sit in the garden and remember him planting them. They are just beginning to flower. I keep expecting him to come out with a cuppa and then fall asleep! I enjoyed doing the gardening and making it look nice as I know he would of. I just wish he was here to enjoy it. Take care, Janet
My goodness Jane, our stories are so alike. When I met Brian he was appalled that I had three German Shepherd dogs. (My favourite, owned ten of them over the years) We married and as my dogs went he then asked me if I minded having smaller dogs. I ended up with King Charles Spaniels. When my last one died I was absolutely gutted, she was my constant companion. I like you, said, no more. I can’t go through this again. As you get older I found it got harder to lose them. Brian tried to talk me into having another one but I resisted until I stupidly looked on line to see if Dog Pounds still existed and up came Beepa on her last day at the pound. We went off to see her the next day. The rest is history. How she now pines for her dad, lying on his chair in the dining room all the time. Does she feel him there I wonder.
Brian also passed away in November but a few weeks before, I had managed to get him into the garden, we sat talking. He loved to sit reading out there and dropping off. I can’t sit there anymore and giving away our patio set. I can’t sit in the dining room either as that is where he died.
I usually enjoy gardening, find it therapeutic. I have our two large allotments to look after now and proud of them, making sure that Brian’s is looking good, but for some reason the garden does not hold it’s appeal any more. Pat xx
Yes Jackie take your time. But thinking about your future will give you something to focus on and it sounds as if you are in a lovely place but it’s just not suitable for your needs now.
I live in a lovely area also and people move here to retire but it’s not as ideal as they think. If one passes away then the other is not only alone, sometimes isolated and living miles from family and in most cases move back.
I was city born but at a young age moved into the country. I would love to live in an isolated area but have to be practical and now accept that I need to live where I have shops and a good bus service. I can drive and have a car but you never know.
Our stories are very similar! We had a mixture of breeds, Yorkshire terriers, springer spaniels, golden retriever, parson jack Russell, mixed terrier and yes a King Charles spaniel. She was a ruby one called Brandy and she liked nibbling chins! Simon could walk far without going dizzy as his blood pressure would drop, so when we took Baxter and Cassie out, he would catch me up in a buggy. The dogs would keep looking behind to see if he was coming. After Simon passed, they would still look behind for quite a few weeks to see where he was. It was hard to realise he wouldn’t be there. I’ve tried to sleep in the middle but I can’t so stay on my side. At the beginning I wanted to change everything, decorate, do something. Apparently that feeling is common. I didn’t want to see where he sat, ate dinner etc. I think I just wanted to block it out. I didn’t change anything and I’m glad a didn’t. Our garage was his man cave so it’s difficult to go in there. I’ve still got some clothes left, like his leather jacket which he always wore when we first got together. That’s not going anywhere! Janet xx
I grew up with my late father bringing home an Alsatian ( German shepherd ) dog when I was in my teens as my late father was once missing in action and he had befriended an Alsatian dog…Then I lived in a high rise where we couldn’t have dogs…I have always been a dog person so as soon as I was in a place where I could have dogs, I surrounded myself in dog love, dogs were-are my life, I always had told people-even Richard that I would put a dog first above any humans, anytime…All I seem to be doing is picturing our old back garden complete with my-our 3 dogs and flower pots, and hanging baskets, oh how I wish I-we could go back to those days…I never had life so good, to me I had everything…We had a stone bench outsede that I often sat on facing the open field-space at the end of the garden, the bird seed feeders and bird water fountain, the trees, it was so relaxing and calming, Richard would sit at the table and chair reading his newspaper…
My 3 dogs were a Sprollie ( collie x Springer ) a Cocker Spaniel and a Labrador x Jack Russel, Labrador size…all 3 were the loves of my life, along with my Richard…