I just wanted to say that I had an arrangement to see a friend this afternoon but she cancelled it this morning so I was left high and dry wondering how I was going to get through the day.
I can’t settle to do housework and have to be out of the house. This cancellation really affected me as when I am alone all the horrible painful images of my partner’s death, which was 3 months ago today, fill my mind. In desperation I went to a Maggie’s centre drop in but nobody was there. I felt like a waif and stray. I’m sitting on my own at home now and the loneliness is making me feel breathless.
I do so hate this pathetic needy person I have become and wonder how much longer I can cope. I am going to have to get a grip but how?
I was kindly told by my partner’s sister that I can’t expect other people to fill my days. That may be true but why do people feel it’s ok to be hurtful? I’m trying to get through this nightmare the best way I can. We all are.
I just had to get these emotions off my chest. Hope you don’t mind.
Hi.
You are not alone in this. You have us all here to open up to and no doubt a lot of us have the same story to tell. Some people who have never been through what we are suffering just have no idea what to say or do or how to help us. I feel sorry for them though as they too could well go through what we are right now. You need to do what makes you feel better, whether its going out to shops, a walk or even a drive in the country. I seem to have had some more bad days since I was at my youngest daughters on Friday evening for a family get together, this was the first since Anne passed away on the 26th of January, I have terrible guilt feelings because we were able to laugh and enjoy a meal without Anne.
I’m sure you will have friends that can help you or be happy to be round you in your grief, I’d avoid those that give you negative feelings as you can be doing without that at this time. I find talking about things each day to Anne’s picture in the bedroom helpful.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Trev x
Hi Topsy, I felt so sad when I read of your despair. I think what happens when we are so sad with grief is that everything seems so intense. Every little thing will seem such a big deal. we take things more personally. I have noticed people that I know just ignoring me. These are people that came to Brian’s funeral and seemed so supportive at that time. People that rang to see how I was have stopped now. I think I’m keeping pretty friendly when I see them and stay chatty. I think I’m making a real effort and make no demands on anybody. My husbands family have ignored me since his death, yet we never had a cross word in thirty years. I have phoned and sent letters but have had no response. It really upset me and I couldn’t stop thinking about them and what had I done so terrible. I too feel pathetic and don’t really want to talk to people now. I would rather be on my own until I can get myself together again and become myself once more. You do what you want to do, when you want to and tell your partners sister to take a running jump because she obviously hasn’t been in your position and needs to be a bit more supportive. If she can’t be more supportive then it might be best to keep away from her, because one day you will find yourself again, as I hope we all will and then you can tell her what you think of her, sooner rather than later. At least you know we are all here for you and understand your pain. Keep in touch and join in, it will help. Pat xxx
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I am sorry you have had a few bad days since your family meal and I hope those feelings ease a bit as the days go by.
Take care xx
Thank you very much for replying to my post. I am sorry to hear about the way you have been made to feel by your husband’s family and other people you know. I don’t understand how people can be so hurtful and show such a lack of feeling.
It’s horrible and it happens just when you need to have support and care. Maybe because we put on a front people think we are better than we actually are or maybe they just don’t care enough. Who knows? There is no excuse though for your husband’s family ignoring your calls and letters. That is downright cruel and rude.
I’m not at the stage yet where I would rather be on my own. Maybe that will come. The strange thing about my partner’s sister is that her husband died 18 months ago and she said she feels worse now.
You are right about our feelings being intense when grieving. Even allowing for that some comments have been hurtful and thoughtless.
At the moment every day is an effort and I wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Good morning Topsy. I too wish there was some relief. I feel I should be doing so much more with my life but I just can’t be bothered. When Brian died I went at everything ‘like a bull in a china shop’ as Brian used to say about me. I sorted everything, Brian was a hoarder and kept everything, it took me months. I also decorated around the house, looked after our allotments and thought I was doing fine, or at least as good as I could. Now I feel lost and flat. I am assured that it will get better and I will carry on with life when I’m ready, just as we all will, but at the moment everyday is such a drag.
The last letter I sent to Brian’s daughters was a bit more to the point and I asked them what right they had to ignore me when I had looked after Brian single handed and done my very best for him. They never appeared once. So where was his family when he needed them. They still haven’t replied except to leave a message on the answerphone to say one of them wanted Brian’s scooter, didn’t even ring herself. I sold it immediately to someone else. They hadn’t replied to my previous letters so what was I supposed to do when it needed taxing and kept on road. I have written them all out of my will now, which is so sad. I have learned from this experience and will never turn my back on anyone who is grieving. I have probably been guilty of not realising what they are going through in the past
Onward and upward, and I will get through this. I keep saying to myself.
Take care Pat xxxx
Morning Topsy, so sorry you’re struggling to cope, I do understand how you felt when your plans were cancelled. Its happened a few times to me too.
The phone rarely rings these days, what few friends I now have get in touch fairly regularly as I do with them, family are rarely heard from if at all. None of Alan’s cousins have been in touch since his funeral, only one of my sisters has been in touch, not heard from the other sister or my two brothers since Alan’s funeral.
I checked my phone the other day, and since November I have called my sister 5 times, not once has she called me. Another ‘friend’ (using the term loosely) said she’d call me when she had a free moment, think that was sometime last October, so I’ve taken the hint and left it up to her.
It is upsetting, and whilst I know everyone has their own lives to lead, it would be nice to hear from someone once in a while instead of having to always be the one to make the call. I’ve stopped phoning those who never phone now. Apart from seeing our daughter when she drops Winston off on her way to work each morning, then at tea time when I take him hand to her, I sometimes don’t see or talk to another soul, sometimes see an occasional dog Walker on the field, but mostly just me, Winston and Ada.
You write all you wish or need to on here, we are all very understanding and going through the same dense fog.
Hi Jen What is it with family and ‘friends’. I never dreamt it would be like this. My Brian’s family have completely forgotten me. Nothing from his cousins, Aunties and uncles, his daughters and his sisters’s, one of which I sent loads of Brian’s painting equipment which she said she would like as she paints also, yet not a word from her, not even a thank you card. My own son I haven’t seen since the funeral and my daughter went back home to Spain without even telling me, after promising to be supportive. I heard from her last week to ask me to send money to her!!! I have written letters to some of them, sent e-mails and phone calls but non of Brian’s family have acknowledged me. Never had a cross word with any of them. I thought we was close. Well good riddance and I am determined to show them. Pat xxxx
Morning Pat, its heartbreaking isn’t it? I sometimes think the meltdowns I seem to having all too frequently are triggered by the upset and disappointment created by the absence of even one call or card just letting us know we’re being thought of .
My sister is now living with her partner, she divorced her husband then met her current partner, both sold their houses, he sold his business and they’re buying a house together, she’s given up work, he’s retired and at first I’d hear from her either just as she was going on holiday or when she returned, and now I don’t hear a single word. She did comment that maybe I should go on a cruise because people in their own do cruises. She’s no idea how I or anyone in my situation is feeling has she? This makes me so annoyed.
I know she had it tough with her ex husband, she brought her children up single handed and struggled to make ends meet she deserves some comforts now, but she’s forgotton the one person who helped her through her divorce , the upset and sadness before and after, she now enjoys a different life and her new friends are all couples who are all her partner’s friends.
Here I go again, venting off. I’ve so many unwanted thoughts buzzing around this head, I get one thought pushing to the front and it monopolises my mind all day. Just churning over and over.
No It’s not Jen, I call it frustration. I went through not understanding what I had done, then anger at why I should be treated like this, when I had looked after Brian for years single handed and they knew we was very close, and they was supposed to love him. I worried, had sleepless nights, especially about Brian’s daughters. What should I do about them. So I wrote to an Auntie of Brian’s who he was very close to. I just lightly touched on the subject of how sad I was that Brian’s daughters wouldn’t get in contact as I had things that they might have wanted. Still nothing. In the end I sent them yet another letter and this time it was more to the point. Not unpleasant but I did mention a few things that might have hit home with them. I then sent an e-mail to my daughter and told her I wasn’t coping very well. I have now to sort out my son and see what he has to say for himself. But the frustration and distress did leave me Now I don’t get upset about them anymore I have had my say. So why not try a friendly but to the point letter. Not saying it will make any difference but it might help you by putting your disappointment in their lack of support in writing. Take care Pat xxx
I was very interested to read your post. My husband died 2.5 years ago. I’ve tried very hard to rebuild my life but the one thing that upsets me is my friend. We’ve known each other for 20 years and yet since my husbands death she has rarely been in touch. When I do arrange to see her she is either too busy or cancels at the last minute. We both worked together all those years and now she organises things with our friends and doesn’t include me. It’s very hurtful and I feel like have had another loss in my life. The worse thing she has done is cancelled coming to my daughters wedding because it’s too far to come. It’s a 40 minute drive away!! So I’ve decided now I spend too much time getting upset over her so I have stopped contacting her altogether. I feel very sad about it but on the other hand I’m not spending all day feeling angry and upset.
It must be awful for you to be let down so badly by the person you thought was a friend. If you are not seeing her anymore it is a another loss compounded by hurt. I’ve arranged to see the friend who let me down last week. It’s been rearranged for Tuesday this week. I must be a glutton for punishment. Another friend I was supposed to see last Monday afternoon changed it to this Monday afternoon with no explanation and she now wants to change it to the morning. I feel as though I am being fitted in. I’m just going along with things as I’m not strong enough just yet to say anything and who knows there may be genuine reasons. I just don’t know what they are at the moment.
From what you have said you have done the right thing to protect yourself from being disappointed and upset.
I wish you all the best.
Xxx
Afternoon, it seems to be widespread, I had ‘friends’ before Alan passed away, it will be 11 months ago on Friday, in this time only one has remained in touch, I have made some new friends, who are in the same position as I am, one or two i meet up with fairly regularly.
It’s the same with family, apart from one sister, who I’ve spoken to 5 times since November and I was the one who phoned her, non of my family have been in touch since Alan’s funeral, he didn’t have any brothers or sisters but was close to some of his cousins, one of which was my best friend at school (was how we started going out together), non of his cousins have made any contact either.
It’s as though I contracted leprosy overnight. yes, Alison, it is upsetting and it used to cause do much anxiety, that now, I try not to think about it, I’ve even stopped calling my sister, another ‘friend’ said she’d phone when she was free, that’s October last year, so I’ve removed her from my phone list. Someone suggested she may have lost my number, poor excuse if it’s true as we are friends on Facebook, even though I don’t go on there a great deal, there’s been no message at all.
I understand completely how you feel, and it is very cruel if people to disregard us.
Hi.
It is the same for me as well. During the first few weeks I had regular visitors which was very helpful but now all but one have disappeared without so much as a bye your leave. One of my friends whom I have known since 1984 does call but he is so negative about everything that when he calls I am in a much worse state after the call. What is upsetting is that if those that don’t come round or call now if their TV needs a retune or is faulty they will be on the phone like a shot, quite one sided to be honest.
Seems that we just need to grin and bear it, some though just can’t relate to how our lives have changed.
Take care everyone.
Join the club Alison. You will see from some of my earlier messages that I have been going through the same with Brian’s family. Most of my friends had moved on before Brian died and although I sent them e-mails letting them know about his death and at first I did hear from them, but now it’s nothing. We become the forgotten. If you go back to one of my previous messages you will see that I sent his daughters a letter (one of many) but the last one I was more forthright and told them of my disappointment in their behaviour to both me and their father in his last months. It made no difference, I still didn’t hear from them but I felt better for telling them. Perhaps a letter to your ‘friend’ might help. Let her know how sad you are to lose her friendship but if that is how she feels then finish the friendship. I told Brian’s daughters of my sadness and wished them luck for their future and have now closed this issue as far as I’m concerned. They are not in my will now either which is sad. I have been divorced and I found exactly the same happened then. Friends just dropped me although they had no reason to do this. I was totally ignored by my best friend and her husband. Even told I could only go to their daughters 18th if I came with my ex. Cheek. I was not the guilty party even. Didn’t go or bother with her again. I did notice that some of the wives were worried about me being single and thought I would zone in on their husbands. Ridiculous.
This friend is not worth upsetting yourself about. She no friend.
Pat xxxx
Hi Trevor, you have hit the nail on the head there, they can’t relate to us, but then did we before we was put into this terrible position. I know I didn’t, I hadn’t a clue and how guilty I feel for not being more supportive over the years. I did meet up with a woman last week who lost her husband a couple of years ago. I hadn’t given her much thought so I apologised for being so thoughtless at the time. We can only hope that we all learn something from this and offer help and support in the future to anyone finding themselves bereaved, because we know exactly how they are feeling now. For forty years we have had the same next door neighbours yet apart from coming to the funeral they have never once popped round to see how I was. Not even on Christmas Day when it was obvious I was on my own during the morning. I saw them the other day as I painted the front wall. He rushed off into the house, while she did stay for a short chat and said the usual. “You know where we are if you want us” In other words, don’t bother. This dismissive behaviour is making me more determined to get myself back on track and show them. And then only those that are worth my time will get it. Best of luck to you. Pat xxxx
I’ve been trying to phone my mum all afternoon, with no reply on either her landline or her mobile, when I saw her the week before last she was telling me she’d had a letter to go for yet another pre-op assessment, plus an additional letter giving her a date for her hip operation. This operation has been cancelled a total of 8 times, I was sure it was for next Tuesday, with her pre-op today. I know pre-ops don’t usually take all day, but now I’m wondering if she’s been admitted to hospital.
I’ve heard nothing, then again, I’m always the last to hear, if I’m in the same room as my 2 brothers and 2 sisters I am completely invisible.
My mum lives south Manchester and whilst I could drive over to see if she’s ok, if shes not at home then there’s no point. I do not have a key to her front door unlike my brothers and sisters.
So what do I do? Wait and see if one of them suddenly decide i should be told what is happening or phone my sister who never phones me but keeps promising to.
It may be that my mum is held up at the hospital, but it doesn’t help with my anxiety. my brothers and sisters neither understand or care, although in fairness to one brother, he’s still grieving the suicide of his daughter, so he’s enough to cooe with himself. The other three are just concerned with their own circle of friends and they all meet up regularly too.
Sorry, really having a major gripe, I’m concerned for my mum, and if she has been admitted, surely one of my selfish siblings would think of letting me know.
Update on post I vented too soon, my youngest sister just sent me a text message saying my mum had her OP today, and it’s all gone well, seems it was brought forward a week. Don’t know which hospital or ward she’s in, I have asked but no reply yet
Jen☆
I’m glad you posted that. You triggered a memory that one of my daughters was having surgery today and I need to get on to that, or she might think I don’t care. Hopefully she is home by now.