We had a celebration yesterday of a happy milestone, really difficult without mum here. I had invited 8 friends, 4 canceled on the day. I had this planned for months, send save the date out earlier in the year. I ensured only to invite my closest people, did not want large numbers and my husband did the same.
I just feel like I thought I knew people, they know what I have been through lately with mum and how devastating it’s been.
Then they cancel, and my own siblings did not come even though it’s been planned for months. I have always been there for others and feel like I would never let someone down on an important occasion.
We managed to have a nice day but it really flattened me and makes me think I need to reassess people in my life. I just need people I can rely on and feel like I am muddling through alone, trying to keep my family well whilst I am so sad inside, trying to hold on to tiny scraps of strength but then blowm apart yesterday.
Have you lost friendships and how did you navigate dissapointments? have you forgiven people to keep the peace?
The last 2.5 years since my Mum passed, moving into care for my Dad and then my Dad passing has taught me who my true friends are and who were just acquaintances!
Which members of family and friends are there for you through thick and thin.
Who understand when you have to cancel at the last minute.
Focus on the people who attended yesterday, if the others don’t have a genuine excuse then it’s their loss because they won’t have time with a beautiful, caring person who is currently going through a tough time!
I have been fortunate in that through the perseverance of my bereavement counsellor and a colleague of hers to get involved in groups and have met new true friends who listen, understand and are there for each other.
These people plus the friends who stood by me over the last few years are the people we need in our lives.
I agree: focus on those who did turn up and were there for you.
One of my friends actually told me that he is unable to support people through bereavement, because he is still very affected by his experience at the age of 11: his 18-year old brother died. I can’t hold it against him. He was honest. But I knew not to engage with him much over the past 9 months. Whether we can regain our closeness remains to be seen.
Another friend recently held her 40th birthday party. She’d lost both her parents . She read out a speech at her party, and thanked them for all they’d done for her.
Hi Sophie,
The 4 that turned up are the ones worth their weight in gold.
Yes I have lost friendships after my mum passed and I could have kept the peace and carried on but it was a massive wake up call.
My mum used to say "dont worry about people who dont worry about you " and that is way of thinking now.
Treasure the friends who came and forget about the others
Deborah x
@Heartbroken1937 thank you, one had a genuine excuse as was painfully unwell, thing is she is my friend of 20 years and she also did not come to mums funeral as it was her sons birthday that friday, she was not working . To me, funeral would have finished prior to 3pm school finish time, I would have decorated and got pressies ready for him, then gone to the funeral, but she did not. Then this on top her cancelling this bbq is painful.
You have had a lot of pain these 2.5 years I am so sorry what you have been through and hope the friends you do have have helped.
I do definitely want to meet new people .
@Burgled ah that is very sad for him and yes it brings up feelings. As you say maybe the friendship is strong enough or maybe not. I may need to adopt that approach and get a thicker skin, thing is I feel like an egg with no shell at the moment I can’t bear all this. Every time I feel a little stronger something like this happens and takes me 50 metres back. I try to keep swimming though.
One of my friends canceled because she did not feel comfortable with othe people coming, even though it was a small group. I know she lost her dad a few years ago increased her anxiety, I am trying to understand it. I did go to her birthday with loads of people I did not know a month ago, I didn’t want to as grieving so much but could not bear to let her down. So this weekend was gutting when she texted it was too many people she did not know, she has known for months and always said she would come.
@seychelles yes 1 of them came to mums funeral when no one else did, she was also the first to visit me days after mum passed, I had to ask others to come up. My friend of 20 years however didn’t think to visit, wanted to ‘give me space’ all I got was couple of calls (though one was on the day which I appreciated) and texts. Thank you yes you mum was sensible I feel like I give alot, I worry alot, and maybe I do not need to keep the peace anymore you are right. Thing is, I am a person that has a few select friendships, people I think are special, and it’s hard to think I might not have them in my life, hard to make new friends.
@Eponine those are good words to live by, I am exhausted and really feeling those
I think all emotions are heightened at this time but it’s still not nice to feel let down. Sometimes people don’t know what to say so go for avoidance, not realising how the person on the receiving end is feeling.
Yes my own sibling texted late on the day for us to have a great time, then rang yesterday again asking if we had a good time. No apology, no I know how important a day it was I am so sorry, just a congratulations. Then proceeded to download all their latest onto me. Not the first time, yet I help them out of all sorts of situations, including very difficult ones, it’s just expected.
@seychelles@Eponine
Great words both of you, yes my Mum used to say something similar. I really do think you find out who is really there for you and who isn’t. I can’t bring myself to contact some people anymore. I too really want to meet some new people who understand. x
I know how you feel. I have no family and no very close friend - although I know lots of people. I have upset the one friend who did phone regularly to see if I was OK. We had a minor argument which she has made into much more serious and will now not speak to me at all. I did try to make it up with her but she is not interested in repairing our friendship. She lives in the same village so I cannot tell anyone about what has happened. I have no solution but I do know that it is quite common to lose friendships when grieving as no-one knows what you are going through.
No I do not have any support. There are people in the village who say I can pop in whenever I want but I cannot tell them about this so-called friend as they all know her. I had councelling when my partner died last year from a charity. However I am starting to see a Physocologist soon.
Councelling helped short term for a while. Unfortunately, since my sessions I became ill and then lost confidence. I am trying to re-build my life but it is very difficult without a family or close friendships.
@Sophie8
I feel like you in many ways. Top and bottom of it I have always been a giver and this is a time in my life when I feel like I need to receive, I haven’t much to give at the moment. This is why it means such a lot to me the few people have bothered to check in with me nearly 3 months later. It’s made me re-evaluate who should be in my life moving forward. Seychelles said it earlier, “don’t worry about people who don’t worry about you”. My Mum would say something similar to me she’d say “chuff em”! Losing my Mum is such a huge thing for me it’s definitely a new chapter whereby some people won’t feature in it. I feel like I don’t care as much either what they think. I, like you want to meet new people, people who understand and are genuine, that’s so important. Take care
Hi Rainbow11,
I also feel I don’t care what people think. I have eventually realised I need to put myself first from now on and eliminating certain people from my life has been wonderful.
It’s been 18 months since my mum passed and at the time there were many so called friends who let me down in all sorts of ways. It was upsetting at the time and caused me more hurt and heartache. I needed to heal and not have more stress and trauma so made the decision to block a few people from my life.
Looking back I realise I did the right thing and I can only say it was the most liberating and powerful thing I have ever done. I haven’t missed them one bit.
Life is so short and I just decided that if anyone hurt me by their actions or words that would be it. No second chance so to speak.
I kept telling myself I was worth more than being hurt or let down by people who were supposed to be friends.
One or two have tried to crawl back into my life but have failed miserably lol.
My mum’s words are always in my head
"Don’t worry about people who don’t worry about you "
What a wonderful wise lady my mum was and I must say I really don’t worry about them .
Thinking of everyone going through similar.
Love Deborah
Hi
It’s true you soon find out who your friends when you’re grieving.
I found this out as soon as I lost my mum and so did my dad. His best friend and his wife turned their back on him knowing my dad was devastated not once was they both there for him. They make me sick
My experience was big let down by two friends of mine. In the beginning when I lost my mum I just wanted to be on my own to start with which my so called friends didn’t seem to get. They seen their backside. I thought some friends they are.
Now I surround myself with true friends I can rely on. Karma will visit these people
I am so sorry @Steven , yes I am realising that. That is very painful I am so sorry.
I have had one friend who what she has done is sent a card and a few texts in 4 months. She lives an hour away, not one phone call. Also did not come to an important event this past weekend that I had planned months ago (she needed to get quotes on a car repair which I felt surely her partner could have handled) and this event was really a big deal for me.
I am really struggling with understanding sometimes if my emotions are getting the better of me, but can see how this has changed things.
@flowergarden I am sorry, I can relate as during covid a very good friend stopped talking to me because I took my son for a walk (when they had to be off school due to covid cases in the school), I had completely forgotten just that one time. She went nuts and ended our friendship of 10 years, yet other friends who purposely broke rules and were dishonest she is friends with. I look back now and see she was quite unstable and her line of work had increased her anxietly hugely.
People can fix things but often pride gets in the way, so we have to move on to friends who are more understanding and there for us.
@Rainbow11 you are so right, times are changing and i do need to re-evaluate. Want to meet genuine friends who have been through this, I think that is half the issue, none of my friends have lost their mum yet
. She read out a speech at her party, and thanked them for all they’d done for her. 
