I’m frightened of letting go of the pain of grief because it feels as though I will lose the last connection I have with my husband. How do I come to terms with this x
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Not sure, I spend most days depressed wallowing in self pity. I do normal stuff but I don’t enjoy any of it really.
Mine isn’t a conscious choice, it’s a feeling. People say our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be unhappy. That’s probably true but you can’t force yourself to be happy. I think it just comes with time.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for trying though, this isn’t our fault. It’s a bloody hard, lonely road to go down.
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Hi @Nel . You never lose the connection, because it never goes away.
However, it does change from one of despair and pain, into one in which we think of them in kind and happy ways.
After 12 months (which started with despair, hurt and pain) Im sat here looking at Penny’s photo, chatting away about what Ive done today, and the happy memories I have of her. Sure, we all have the odd moment where we get emotional, but they become shorter and less intense.
You will never, ever, lose the connection.
Which is better, painful memories or memories which are happier?
What would he want for you as his legacy.
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I so agree and love your positivity, I am only 8 weeks, yes I have my moments but I won’t allow death to defeat life and the happy memories of my partner, he didn’t just have an ending, he had a beginning and middle and yes the connection will always be there because love can never separate
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@Nel I really feel for you and understand where you are coming from as this is such a hard question. If you have no other connection to your loved one than your grief and the pain it brings, you will not want to give this up as you do not want to lose that connection, however painful, and you will feel guilty that you are betraying your loved one if you do.
As @Tykey and @Sarlyn say you never ever lose the connection, but it can be less painful. This does not mean the pain of grief can or will ever go away and while you are building other connections you can give it time and space in your life too, but not 24/7.
This is not easy. I always say it the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do. Other connections are made from both new memories and old memories of your loved one but the problem with all memories is that whether they are happy or sad is to do with us, not the memory itself. If we are happy, the memory will be happy, if we are sad, it will be sad, but there is no switch you can turn on to make something happy or turn off to end the sadness and time by itself changes nothing. Your situation is unique to you and only you can find your way through but we are all here to support you and help you. xxxxx
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Don’t worry @Nel, we won’t ever lose our connections with our soulmates. We may feel less pain on some days, and more on others, but it doesn’t mean the connection is “less” or “more”. I was thinking the other day that this special bond we have with our life partners is similar to having a sort of a ‘spiritual’ umbilical chord that can never be detached, and this is just what’s providing nourishment for us to keep going, facing our new life with courage and strength, as if we are holding hands, being guided along by our soulmates.
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@Solost
You have said this perfectly ‘a spiritual umbilical cord’ that will forever connect us. As humans we are so visually minded so it is the physical sight of them we miss, along with their voice, smell, etc, however the essence of them will always be there… it’s all such a mind blowing experience, grief is like walking through a minefield
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@Mike75 so very true, we are scared to hold on but scared to let go
My own experience in life has taught me when you let go of something, be it a person or something else, you arrive in a place of peace but it all takes time, the death of a loved one is traumatic, whatever the circumstances and we have to heal from trauma
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I will however concede one thing…the worst experience of my life was losing my dad 5 years ago, he was my world, my rock, my foundation in life, the loss pulverised me and I fought to keep the grief, however 3 years later, I arrived at the acceptance stage and although it bought me peace and free of pain, I was also very aware of how our memories fade and it all becomes a distant lifetime ago, to this day that saddens me and I sometimes long to go back to when my feelings were raw. As an example it reminds me of when you had a fabulous holiday and the photos and memory brought you back to that time and place but fast forward a few years and that holiday didn’t hold those feelings anymore because it became firmly routed in the past. Don’t know if I am making any sense?
In other words it proves we constantly live in the present because time doesn’t allow us to go backwards
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I also sadly feel I don’t want to ever get attached to another person again as I now know I could be on this road again and I’m not up for that. I think when a lifelong partner/husband/wife dies, all our self history and who we are also goes and it’s like nobody now knows who we are. I feel like a stranger in my own body living in a strange world and now know there isn’t the time for another lifetime connection here as at 64 most of my life is indeed in the history book. It’s the most bizarre life changing experience. The only person who knew me has gone and now I don’t know me
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I also think we are grieving the loss of ‘us’ as much as them because when that coffin is lowered we are in it too…
Sorry you can probably all tell I am in a philosophical mood
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I agree ! Why do people want you to be happy ! How can you be bloody happy when you just lost man you love 
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Yeh course youre grieving the loss of “us” ! Now its just me ! Im so sick of life ! Im so sick of useless family ! He was my family really he was the only one who mattered anyway ive had a rubbish bank holiday ! Only person ive spoken to is my mum ! My kids don’t even bother ringing me or visiting ! Huh i have no idea why i even bothered having them tbf 
When my soul mate over 40 years (and beloved husband for 33 years) died in February from the hideous pancreatic cancer I was totally distraught and devastated. I had only retired 6 months earlier and all our next stage life hopes and dreams were destroyed. However in my extreme grief pre funeral I couldn’t do a thing and was a complete wreck. I wanted to curl up and die.
However after the funeral I gave myself a good talking, spent lots of time researching, talking and joining communities such as this to try and better understand and make some sense of my grief. I constantly try to keep reminding myself what my darling husband would have given to still be here today. I remember he often remarked during those bleak 5 months that some people we know who we’re healthy and alive (and not facing a dreaded terminal illness cutting short his happy life) didn’t want to live and what a waste - and what he’d give to swap places with them.
On reflection, I am beginning (and starting to be able) to think about and being grateful we had a such an amazing and joyous life and deep deep love. I believe that makes the grief really hard BUT we did we an amazing 40 years together, which I appreciate many do not.
My husband’s biggest fear and regret was not being able to see our darling grandson (4) grow up and being there for him. When he was dying he asked me to keep his memory alive and try and do continue to do the things he hoped and dreamed for him - but on my own. So after his funeral and in the few short weeks since, I have said I will try to dedicate the rest of my life to being there for our grandson and do all the things my darling husband and I wished to do with him. It’s really tough - and some days I don’t feel like getting out of bed - but I am finding some joy keeping my husbands memory, hopes, dreams and wishes alive with our wonderful grandson is helping me at this time.
I’ve just come back from a dreaded bank holiday day out at the zoo and my new Nana Monday swimming class - I’m exhausted but grateful to be able to have some joy and moments of comfort and happiness in these dark days and continue my husband’s legacy he started.
Since his beloved grandad’s untimely death (they both loved drawing and colouring) now our grandson’s artist skills have rocketed and reached to new heights and it’s if my Richard is guiding and inspiring his hand. It’s truly amazing and remarked on by his reception year teachers and our friends and relatives. I’ve also given our grandson all his artist materials - even though he’s so young - and using YouTube to try and learn how to teach him how to draw and water colour etc. I may not have my husband’s talent or skills but via the iPad I can help celebrate and let his passion shine and develop.
I’ve also got involved in volunteered 1 afternoon a week with severely autistic children and disabled adults to help them connect through riding for the disabled. I’m also doing some fund raising and volunteering with the hospice and pancreatic cancer charities that supported us through his darkest days. It gets me out and moving and keeps me from drowning in my grief given6 months ago I had a full time job and exciting travel and retirement plans for both of us.
I just keep telling myself how many people out there suffering the unbearable sorrow of terminal illnesses or sudden death would give their heart and soul to still be alive today. As tough as grief is - the deeper your love, the more painful the grief they say - I just keep trying to think what my husband would say if he saw me crumbling and falling into the black hole of despair and self destruction.
I don’t have children of my own (1 stepson) but our little grandson is my lifeline along with my family and charities I now volunteer for. And I’m live in carer for my 94 year old mother with dementia and Alzheimer’s. That was incredibly challenging and tough during and after his illness I could feel my world falling apart and self-destructing and she keeps forgetting my husband is dead.
Keeping busy, establishing new routines, no matter how challenging, certainly has helped me see some light over the last few weeks although there are days and moments I still just breakdown. But at least it gives me reason and purpose to get up and make an effort to continue his legacy and celebrate his memory and continue to be there for those that need me.
I don’t know if I will hit a brick wall further down the road or at any point in the future, but for now I’m trying to take it a day and anniversary event at an time and trying to stay afloat and find some calmer waters to face the future….
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Youre very lucky to be so positive about life ! Im not ! I hate every day without my husband ! I miss his love so much i miss him … nobody else will do tbh … nobody can fill his shoes … but i have got my puppy and do other things but even then i miss him … i cry sometimes just when i take dog out … its a struggle for me : (
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@Ava2 @Alison61 thank you for such inspirational and positive posts. I agree that life is a gift and should be treasured even when we hit our darkest moments. My sister lost her life to cancer at 35, she left behind 3 very young children who have now grown not really remembering their mother. When she was diagnosed she so wanted to live and fought and clung onto life every day for her children but eventually the cancer won,
Since losing my husband I have had moments when I can’t see a future, but I know life is precious and can be so easily snatched away. We’ve only got one shot at this, so I am going to try and not let grief win. Thank you both With love xx
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@Ava2 @Alison61 and @sandi I can relate to everything you say. In the end we have the choice and choosing life is not to forget our loved ones but to work to honour their lives so their memory lives on through us. They are still part of us and always will be.
I don’t think any of our partners would want us to be otherwise. Yours would be proud of you and I know Di would be of me but possibly with some small advice on how I might do things better.
Love and support to each of you xxxxxx
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@Mike75 I think your Di will be chatting with my Neil about how we could do things a little differently! xx
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I love that interpretation of the umbilical cord!!!
I’m almost 6 weeks in . I’ve two ok ish days, I’ve still cried but not as much , I still miss him immensely, I still don’t like this existence . I have been. Feeling guilty but know 100% Bry will be sad he’s not with me but also happy he wasn’t the one left behind.
I am still lost & do I still want t to be with him - YES but when it’s my time , be that tomorrow or whenever. I kind of get through the days aT the minute thinking , it could be my time tomorrow so try at least today make my children smile & create a few more memories.
Still hurts like CRAZY and tomorrow will still be another challenge, but I’ll get through it .
Xx
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