Hi I haven’t messaged for a while. I’m just trying to get through the days. I’m frustrated, disappointed and hurt plus more. When my long term partner passed it was a world wind of organising the funeral and then sorting out belongings as he had a lot of things. Don’t get me wrong I needed a good clear out and knew that the offer of help wouldn’t last long. However I was bombarded by a couple of people to downsize and dump things. It’s ok if it’s things you want to get rid of but it was them putting their own minimalistic ways onto me. I feel it hindered my grieving process because it gave me anxiety when they visited. Also about me moving to a smaller home. I feel let down by others who haven’t even been in touch and we’ve been supposed friends for over 40 years, it’s not that they don’t know what to say it’s just that they don’t care and I realise that now. I’ve always put others first and been a softie but I’m so hurt. My partners name and the anniversary of his death doesn’t even get mentioned, it’s just over a year now. I’m so lost without him. I try to fight the panic feeling I get that he’s not coming home and I won’t see him physically again (although I feel he’s always with me). It’s traumatic. I’ve been busy supporting others but feel so lost myself. My partner was my rock in life. I’ve only now received 6 counciling sessions which didn’t help as the lady although nice was occasionally banging things and answering the door while I was trying to talk. Sorry to jump from topic to topic in just so mixed up. It’s hard to get through the days. People say it’ll be better when the first year is over and you’ve got through all the anniversaries but I feel the first year I was in shock. Is anything I mentioned relatable? Thank you.
Some of this is relatable.
Definitely someone thinking and telling me what I could and couldn’t keep.
Totally ignoring what I said. So I ignored what they thought and said.
I was right, they were wrong and totally out of order!
They really upset me and this was days after my husband died.
Also people who I thought would help and be a support not being that.
Ok not living up to my expectations but I don’t think my expectations were that high.
However, some people have been fantastic and I cannot thank them enough.
I think we will remember who did and didn’t support us.
At least now we know who they are.
Dear @Mazy
Lots of it is my darling. And the bits that aren’t to me. Will be to others on here.
Personally I have got rid of nothing of my husbands. It’s all still here in our perfect little home. Where I fully intend to stay.
So I haven’t been bombarded by people about those issues, but I have had the bits about people expecting me to be ‘okay’ after first year had passed (19 months now for me!!)
Or after I’d driven home to my parents 100 miles away. Or after I’d dared to go to a party with old friends… It was like now you’ve done that once you can do it again. No I CAN’T!!
So little understanding from people.
And yes many , many are never in touch. Some I haven’t even heard from since his funeral. And I don’t need to or want to see them ever again!
I too feel my husband with me all the time. And when I’m out I can’t wait to get home , where I feel him closest.
I haven’t spent a single night away from the house since he died, and I have no desire too. But that’s another thing others expect of me. That question - Why don’t you go on holiday? I just stare at hem thinking WHY on earth do you think I would want to without him!!
I’m know I’m still in denial that it is true at all. Because I still don’t want to accept it’s true.
I still exist in my safe little bubble. With my husband and our two dogs.
I stay in it wherever I go…
I’m on waiting list for counselling with Sue Ryder. I’ve had the assessment so now just waiting for someone to be assigned to me.
It was a real struggle for me to access any, as nearly all are in work hours , and I work full time. And cannot take weekly time off, which was an expectation of all other counselling providers I tried to access.
Sue Ryder do offer some early evening sessions, so that’s what I’m waiting for now.
You take care @Mazy .
Read others posts on here, and message when you want.
This forum has helped me on my worst days…just knowing others ‘get’ me
Love hugs and strength
I’ve not got rid of any of my wife’s things and I don’t intend to either . Anything we find just goes in the bottom of her wardrobe , maybe someday will go through things , maybe not . As far as I’m concerned this is our house so her things will stay in it until I’m gone and the kids can do whatever they want with her and my things . Anyone trying to tell me different will get told where to go !
I’m the same the only place I feel okay is in my house where I feel he’s still around,I got rid of most of his clothes very quickly but kept a few ,his shoes are in the doorway his glasses on the coffee table along with the book he was reading I talk to him all the time and if I get anything new I tell him we have got a new whatever.I have been lucky people have been very gentle with me and nobody’s told me what I should be doing having said that I only have a very small family and no close relatives,I have good friends some check up on me regularly which I really appreciate.But then there’s others who think after 12 months I’m over it , I will never get over it but some people just have no idea.
Rose garden thank you for replying. I think I just became overwhelmed today. I have a very small family. The one member I talk to about my partner has health issues and another has mental health issues so there’s not a lot of contact with others. The people who I thought may bother have vanished and I’ve now after a year blocked their number. I’m done with them. You comment made me feel normal which is what I needed today 
Cathphil thank you. I had a big wobble moment today and I think everything came crashing down. My partner was a collector some would say hoarder. There was so much I couldn’t keep but it made me realise how few personal things he actually had. Thankfully I’ve kept them. His trainers are by the door and his ring, watches and glasses. If relatives had their way the collectables would of been in a skip but I’ve sent them to auction as I know that’s what he’d like. I’m the last person to organise anything like that and I think he’d laugh and be proud of me for making sure I’ve organised that. He liked auctions. I’ve not been away from home either and I’m terrified I’ll have a panic attack as my son has arranged a two day trip for us. I half wish I hadn’t agreed to it early on but I want to see my son so much and I’m hoping it’ll give me some confidence as I have zero now. Like you I just want to be at home were my comforting memories are and our cat. I understand what you say about denial, it’s hard I get my head around the nightmare. Here at sueryder is the only place I’ve found understanding and thank you for your kind words
Dino13 thank you. I like how you stand firm. I had to clear out my partners as he collected so many collectables and he’d sell them that is until he became ill. I’ve kept his personal things. His “old man cardigans 
” and so much from even before I knew him. I may have to downsize at some stage as I’m not sure if I can afford to stay. My partner told me he’d never leave me even if I had to move he’d be with me. That gives me huge comfort. Everyone is so understanding here and thank you for your kindness.
Thank you too.
It is a wonderful place on this forum.
Because we all know we can say anything we want to without fear of judgement or the ‘oh why is that’ questions, if we dare to say we are not okay.
If you cant get all evening sessions cant you take a day off ? I would. Well worth it ! I had 10 hourly sessions with sue ryder last year ! Invaluable they were xx
Hi @Deb5
Thank you. I’ll get 6 sessions
My assessor was lovely. And they will be giving me evening sessions. I just have
to be patient.
Xx
Big hug Ma y x
My husband only died 20th April. His funeral is 16th may.
He has so many friends. They are travelling from all over the world.
Nick, in his will asked to have an exhibition to sell his paintings, records and bmx magazines. All proceeds to go to Nicks cancer charities.
His friends were pushing me to have the exhibition 2 days after the funeral! So they can go before they travel back to their own lives!! No way. Its too soon.
I nearly gave in but then said no.
Im dreading the funeral. Life is unbearable 
My so called friends who i have known since i was 12 didn’t even bother with me when Nick was in hospital 27th dec to 6th jan.
They said they didnt know!!
They did know… i told them.
One said my messages were so aggressive she was swerving me!! Because i was giving her a stomach ache!!
They were not friends… once a month girlie/boozy day out friends.
Im afraid times like this you find out who your true friends are i blocked them on everything and will never speak to them again.
Don’t let anyone push you into anything your not ready for.Dealing with the funeral is bad enough without anything else going on.People just don’t realise how awful it is unless they have experienced it too.You will get through the funeral one way or another but I hope you find some peace with it.I didn’t dread the funeral until the morning of it when I woke up I just thought I can’t do this but I did.The ceremony was a blur I don’t remember much about but afterwards it turned into a lovely day I invited everyone back to my house and it was absolutely crammed with people.I wasn’t thinking straight beforehand and decided I would do a buffet on my own and also do the flowers for the coffin from my garden with all the roses that were in bloom in my garden,they actually looked absolutely stunning but how I thought I could do all these things I will never know.On the morning I couldn’t be bothered to prepare the food it turned out really well everyone just made their own and helped themselves we had a brilliant day after what started out as pure despair we did him proud,I hope you do too.xx
Aww that sounds lovely 
Yes, i hope i do Nick proud.
I feel sick about the whole thing. The only way im getting through is pretending Nick has gone on a trip away.
I suppose when the funeral is over ill feel it even more because i will be alone!
Im hoping to go back to work in june. That will take my mind off as much as possible.
The weekends are tough.
Everyone is busy doing their own thing. I cant hang round with my adult kids and i dont have grandchildren.
Nick passed away on a Saturday… i now hate Saturdays 
I bet you have that horrible sick feeling in your stomach all the time it’s awful.I hope you feel better when you get back to work,I don’t have any kids or siblings but I do have relatives that either ring me or call to see me at the weekends but it makes me more miserable when they are going off enjoying themselves as couples I’m not been selfish it just reminds me of what I have lost.It didn’t really hit me until after the funeral the numbness wore off and yes it was worse people think you will feel better then but I certainly didn’t.x
You certainly do find out who cares and will support you.
People I thought would definitely support me with the admin that is thrown at you after a death, were not there for me.
I had others telling me what to do, ignoring what I said.
I was lucky to have others who were so supportive and there for me.
My husband was a very patient and laid back man so I responded as he would have.
However, I will not forget.
So I totally get it. Xx
Yes i was same in early days … responded how he wouldve done but now i just respond how i think is right , after all we are our own person. I found after many months that half time you can do right for wrong with some people so now i just do what i want … im not perfect but then neither are they !! X
Oh my mother said the day Nick passed away… did i want to go for a meal with her and her 80yr old brother.
I said no… and dont think im hang8ng round with you two… driving you to were you want to go!!
Thats another reason to go back to work in june. Then ill have to keep myself busy at the weekends.
Nick passed away on a Saturday so thats a difficult day. Plus everyone is doing couple stuff at the weekends and my kids are busy… 22 and 34. They have their own lives.
Ill find something to do. Ive got the dogs but the dogs restrict me too.
Miss my best mate Nick to tell me what to do 