So it’s the funeral tomorrow.
Have been numb and disconnected the last week or so.
My emotions have decided to turn back on and I’m a mess. 30 years of memories seem to be on replay in my head. I’ve never felt so alone.
I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this. And I know this will pass. It isn’t helping though.
I know this isn’t what Paula would want.
I need to pull myself together and get a grip.
Don’t know what to do.
Going for a walk.
@Twoflower
I can’t tell you how you will feel tomorrow, I can only say how I dealt with my wife’s funeral.
I had lost my partner and my best friend but I NEVER believed that I had lost my soulmate. Our souls are as united as they ever were. On the day of the funeral she arrived with me, stood by me throughout and came home with me. I felt supported for the entire day from when I got up until I went to bed. The next couple of days I was physically and emotionally exhausted, so took some time off for myself.
I was dreading the day of her funeral but as it turned out, among friends and relatives, knowing she was there with me, it was a good day. We celebrated her life which is what it was all about.
If you’ve read any of the books about the next world, psychic experiences, Near Death Experiences etc, you will know our loved ones are always here for us. You just need to open your mind to the possibilities.
Talk to her, silently if necessary, as you go through the day, it will help.
Thanks
The walk helped clear my head.
Have been reading Life after Life which has given me a new perspective on what comes next.
There are times when I am convinced Paula is next to me. We also have long conversations.
Hi, I actually felt better after the funeral, it gave me a sense of having honoured my husband and done what was right for him. I noticed that the pain was not because of the funeral, is because of every thing that brings down the reality of “she is gone”. But that will keep happening over and over again because of a date or an anniversary or something you saw or you thought about. Just think of your lovely Paula and how much you still love each other
I think most people find that they go into auto-pilot on the day of the funeral. The run up to it and after it is worse. It is one of those times when everyone there is on your side and they expect nothing of you, so whatever you manage they will be impressed by. Many people will just be glad they are not you and may be thinking about losses of their own. One way or another everyone is fragile at funerals. So put no pressure on yourself, no expectations, really. If you have been responsible for the arrrangements then you know what is going to happen, nothing will be a surprise (like it may be for other people). That really helped me. It meant I wasn’t tripped up by unexpected things. Also it is the one time that many of your friends & family will feel comfortable talking about Paula.
If you get overwhelmed just remember it is the same amount of time as any other day and it will pass. Take care.
Today is going to be a very long day.
Wide awake at just gone 3am. Funeral not till 3pm.
Absolutely knackered. Doing a lot of pacing around the house.
Feeling very on edge.
Oh no, that is a long time to wait in the day. Deep breaths, do whatever you can to distract yourself and focus on anything else. Once it gets started you’ll be fine. And you’ll be so shattered tonight you should sleep.
@Twoflower
Don’t forget Paula will be with you throughout and our thoughts will be with you today as well.
that’s why a lot dopure cremation, no funeral,if you book a local undertaker, you can meet at the crematorium and see them off,that’s what I did,I always wanted a big funeral but when I go that’s what I’m having,everyone there said its the best funeral they been,we lined up as the hearse arrived they let you spend about 15 mins with the coffin then its taken in and you get the ashes in about a week,
Hi
Have been giving my funeral a fair bit of thought and pure cremation is the way I want to go.
Wasn’t an option for Paula as her son and daughter wanted a funeral. Which is absolutely fine by me.
It’s just the waiting
So it’s done and I’m now sat feeling exhausted and extremely lonely.
Can’t remember anything from the funeral itself. Remember walking in and then nothing.
I want Paula and I know that isn’t going to happen.
I want to feel like me again.
Hi Twoflower, hope you can have a good rest tonight! Sending you a big hug
@Twoflower
Make sure you get yourself something to eat and drink if you haven’t had much today.
Don’t over think things at this stage, the future will take care of itself.
The day is done now and Paula will be proud of you.
Try to get some rest.
Keep posting, it really helps.
Wide awake again just before 3am.
She’s not there. Really not sure how to describe how I feel. Although I’ve spent the last few weeks reading so many posts on this forum that sum up how I’m feeling.
Until it happens I don’t think anyone can understand how it feels. I know I certainly wouldn’t have.
I do wonder at how ill prepared we are as a society to deal with the grief and passing of a loved one. Certainly on a personal note I am not. Not that I am sure I ever could be.
Through out this period I’ve had a strong sense that we have got the way we die very wrong. I was lucky in that I got to be with Paula when she passed. I didn’t want her to be on her own. Yet so many on her hospital ward didn’t pass with their family at their side.
The medical profession can work minor miracles and the kindness and care shown to Paula was incredible. That said I do feel we have end of life care very wrong. This in no way is a criticism of those who work so hard. I really do not know what the answer is.
And the next bit is a rant. I’ve found myself incredibly angry about it. And I’m not sure why I can’t let it go.
The complete lack of any offer of compassionate leave at work. I’ve used up the majority of my annual leave this year to be at the hospital. I find myself incredibly bitter and resentful about it and know I need to let it go. You’ve no idea how difficult it was to watch paula die on the Saturday to then turn up at work the following Monday. Obviously I could have taken annual leave but there’s not much left and I can not afford unpaid leave. In short loyalty works both ways and my employer has made it very clear where his loyalty stands.
Sorry, rant over, I need to let it go as it’s not doing me any good and won’t change anything.
I was awake at 1am never since wife died in Jan have I ever got past 3 am its a long morn,don’t know how you go work I’m retired but its awful
We are completely ill prepared as a society. When it comes to terminal illnesses, aging, and the dying processes itself, it’s almost shockingly bad.
My late partner’s hospice-at-home care was truly bad. The “emergency” palliative centre would still take 1-2 hours to get to him, as there are staff shortages. Meanwhile, he’s screaming in agony until they eventually arrive.
Getting a night sitter in was an ordeal in itself, was told if you need to get one privately, it would cost £250-£300 every night (despite my partner being on NHS continued care, which was free). That’s more than the price of an overnight stay in a luxury 4 star hotel!! Luckily the day carers intervened and did consecutive nights for free, but only after me and his sons took turns to do the nights.
My Dad had to have night sitters too from the hospice, but then my sibling would cover the other nights when one wasn’t available, which was frequently. A small mercy that he got re-admitted back to hospital after only 4 days at home (had major stroke), then referred to a palliative care centre, so he finally got the 24 care he needed.
But that was a battle, he was clearly going through the dying processes but the hospital staff didn’t acknowledge that. Until the stroke ward doctor referred him to palliative care, as my Dad took matters into his own hands and refused treatment and medication (in full mental capacity)
With my Mum - and partner - it was hard as I had to get the palliative medications myself from the GPs. Different doctors, but both terrible. It took two weeks for my Mum’s doctors to get Oramorph, simply from a lack of communication and workloads. My partner’s doctors were quicker, but never checked the emails from the palliative nurse, so vital medications were missed out altogether.
Luckily my Mum cottoned on fast and requested a referral to the hospice, which she got straightaway, again getting the 24 hour care she needed.
My parents were never left alone, day or night, and with meds and carers always readily available.
My partner chose to die at home, he had 4 carer day visits, but that wasn’t enough, he had a pendant for the Rapid Response team, but there were still always delays in reaching him.
I ended up calling out ambulances a few times because of the agony he was in. The paramedics would frequently give the palliative team a bollocking, and rightly so - they ended up doing their job, when they were needed for other emergencies.
Sorry this was a long post!! And it still doesn’t even cover the rest of the f*** ups that happened, there’s a lot more.
I’m absolutely certain I will end up with PTSD from all the things I witnessed, the symptoms are already starting to surface. I will have to deal with that soon, but again, we are hopelessly ill equipped, long waits for therapists. I have a talking therapy counsellor already but it’s only limited sessions. Then after that …… 
Very sadly what you describe doesn’t surprise me. I wish it didn’t!
I was very naive as to what to expect when Paula turned ill and then died. It really wasn’t the level of care I expected.
I’m also shocked at the lack of support (non existent) for those grieving following a loss.
Yes this forum has been a lifeline (thank you it means so much). The next alternative is to phone the samaritans. Have found the GP to be next to useless. And I can’t afford £50/60 and hour grief counseling. That and my employer adopting the ‘we do the very bare minimum so we stay within the law, but please remember we are one big happy family’. As for family, mine have not been in touch. I’d be surprised if they did.
Sorry, I’m ranting again.
“I do wonder at how ill prepared we are as a society to deal with the grief and passing of a loved one. Certainly on a personal note I am not. Not that I am sure I ever could be.”
That is so true Twoflower. My wonderful partner died last September and from the time he was diagnosed, right up until now, I have wondered the same. Nothing prepares us for what awaits us.
Thinking of you.
Bonnie
Please keep ranting! we all are in the same boat one way or another. I sometimes read somebody’s rant and think “oh I could have written that!”
Hope you find some times of calm today. All the best!!
Oh man has the funeral stirred up some emotions. I’ve gone from feeling numb and disconnected to being on a roller coaster of emotion.
It’s Saturday tomorrow and 4 weeks since Paula passed. I’ve been keeping myself very busy otherwise I sit and relive her final moments.
I’m exhausted and have been for sometime. I can’t keep doing this.
Small memories keep flooding back and it hurts like hell. I just can’t see a way out of this. I don’t know what to do or even if there’s anything I can do.