General Partner Grief Discussion

We never talked about anything like that seriously - she did make off the cuff occasional remarks she would come back and haunt me if I ever did

Think she did want to talk about things in the event she died, but I always shut it down - refused to even discuss funeral etc as it felt like giving up

She would make off the cuff remarks about dying in a kind of semi joking way, to test the water if i was ready to talk about it

In hindsight I should have allowed her to discuss it in detail😞 I just couldn’t deal with possibility of losing her, and that felt like a step towards giving up
We did eventually briefly discuss or she told me where she wanted her funeral and her ashes scattered, but the detail she sent in a WhatsApp - who she wanted to get what jewellery etc

I just can’t see being in another relationship in the future at this stage

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@MemoriesOfUs ,hi , I remember years ago before we were married , saying to Chris , if I died and he ever went with someone else I would come back and haunt him . When Chris was diagnosed with cancer , we never once discussed , what might happen , we both thought he would beat it , that’s what he did always solved problems . Even when they said it was terminal , I never thought he would die and leave me . So when he did die ,I had no idea about funeral or songs or anything , I was in such a mess I just muddled through arranging his funeral , I would encourage anyone to have that " talk" with their partners ,no matter how hard it is . Obviously it would be easier before either got sick . I just hope I did him proud at his funeral . Hopefully one day when I’m reunited with him , he can tell me " I did good" xtake carex

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@MemoriesOfUs Hindsight in all of this can be an exhausting road to walk down, from what you’ve outlined it sounds as if your partner would have forced a conversation about things if she had really wanted to, perhaps not to was her way of gaining some agency in the situation she found herself in, a way of showing her love and respect for you in letting things go. She would have known your despair and perhaps would not have wanted to drive that home by going into detail about your future without her. My wife and I only talked sporadically about the afterwards, it was enough for her to know that we had friends that would get me through what was to follow. I’ve been a slave to hindsight at points in the last year, for me I’ve come to realise and accept that she knew I was there with her and that I loved her as much as she loved me, the rest in a lot of ways is just decoration.

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As part of one of my wife’s treatment she talked through with her nurse about an Advanced Care Plan, where they discussed and noted down her wishes for treatment, if it failed (obviously it did), how she wanted to be treated, what she would want for any funeral (black and lots of tears - she got her wish!!), etc.
She found this quite comforting and the nurse said that she had done it with her partner even though neither were ill or particularly old.
Jaq also had a "death"book (it was actually called that) for both practical things, bank accounts, etc and wishes for when she was gone etc, including the exit song from the funeral.
We didn’t cover everything fully, briefly discussed future relationships, but I couldn’t really deal with it, so her only comment was “no money grabbers”

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@Broken2222 I was also so convinced I was going to find a way :pensive:, even when the NHS wrote her off, for all intents and purposes, after it spread to her liver, i took her to India to get a specialised treatment on her liver.
Was so sure it was going to work and beat the statistics

Also just muddled through funeral and the aftermath

It’s easy to have that talk when you’re healthy, as death is an abstract concept.
Once you’ve been diagnosed with a dread disease, everything changes and it’s no longer abstract and it becomes very difficult to face

I’m sure you did him proud - I also ponder that

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@MemoriesOfUs , My husband was diagnosed with throat cancer in the march of 2021, he was fit and well , after chemo and radiation he was very poorly ,but he fought to get better, in the June he built a shed out our back to do his woodwork hobby. He had to wait 12 weeks for a scan to see if treatment worked, he got a phone call first week of September to say cancer had spread, following Friday he had appointment with specialist . They would start him on new chemo following Friday. After a blood tests he had to go in hospital on the Tuesday ( if a bed available) he died that Friday , I wasn’t with him because I didn’t realise he might die ,and hospital phoned me but to late . I always wonder if he had never had the treatment , would we of had longer together , and all that pain he went through with the treatment ,for nothing . It’s awful how we are left with these thoughts ,of if only ,what if, and all the other stuff that goes around our minds. Xtake carex

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@Broken2222 that was very sudden and must have been a huge shock.

All you do is replay the events over and over and could you have done something differently
The “bloat” turned out to be 21 cm necrotic tumour in her abdomen. The necrosis was poisoning her blood supply and was going septic and was rushed in for emergency surgery they didn’t expect her to survive.
Opened her from sternum to her groin and removed/partially removed 8 organs and created a stoma for colostomy

8 months of consecutive chemo, various painful biopsies, treatment in India and as you say for what?
I nursed her through end of life at home and lost her in June last year

She went through so much and fought so hard - just no justice in life

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Aw … sounds awful for you …and your wife. So sorry :frowning: bless you … its awful thinking what they have been through i know but she had you and that wouldve meant the world to her …xx

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@Deb5 I was just a spectator - she went to hell and back :pensive: She was very stoic and I know she hid a lot of the pain, both physical and emotional
Fought to the bitter end and never once wallowed in self pity.
Just no justice in life

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@MemoriesOfUs , I’m so sorry , what an awful , horrendous , tragic ( there aren’t enough words to describe) time your wife had , fighting to live , so she could stay with you . It must of been so tough for you also ,trying to save her ,but realising that you weren’t able to , and having to watch her in so much pain , what a brave lady she was , I’m sure if love could of cured both your wife and my husband , they would still be here with us ,sending a hug . X

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So sad i know. My husband was same. So strong. I dunno how they did it? I spent most of last year in deep sadness over what he went through… its part of grieving. Keep writing to her in your journal. It really helps you know to talk to them xxx

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@Walan it would’ve been a difficult conversation at best of times, can’t imagine what it’s like explaining to someone what you want when you die, when you’re facing your inevitable mortality

As you say hindsight is exhausting, but impossible to avoid. Whenever your mind wanders, that’s where it goes
Or things you wish you’d said and done

You are right - even if you had said everything you had wanted to, there’ll be something tomorrow you think of, so it’ll never end
She knew what she meant to me and how much I loved her

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And thats all that matters … that they knew xx

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Thanks @Broken2222
We all have tragic tales :disappointed:
She was very brave - I’d have given up long ago
Funny you say that about love curing them - I had a photo slate stone made I marked the spot I scattered ashes with that same phrase
Sending hugs to you too xx

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@Deb5 I also don’t know where they got the strength from - and sheer determination to keep going

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@PJ64 thats a good idea and should really be a standard that is discussed by palliative care
When you’re in the middle of it, the last thing partners and loved ones are thinking about, or can even bear thinking about, is what if it doesn’t work

The psychological care for the person is really lacking, in fact some of the antics in the hospitals just were so non sensical and lacked basic common sense
When she had just been diagnosed, the hospital sent a Chaplin to come talk to her, who proceeded to tell her, her husband had cancer and died a few months ago and how difficult it had been
Very therapeutic when you’ve just found out you have cancer :roll_eyes:

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No neither do i … :frowning: its like an inner strength isnt it … ;( xx

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Think I hijacked this thread a bit and went off topic

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@MemoriesOfUs I found meditation helped me to overcome the incessant hindsight. Meditation was something I’d never considered in any way before I found myself going round and round, destination nowhere. It helped me to reset my thoughts in times of need, a useful tool that I still employ when I feel I need to. May be useful, may not, but I’ll link it anyway, hope it helps

Tara Brach Guided Meditation

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@Broken2222 I totally understand your questioning regarding the treatment. My husband had chemotherapy, radiotherapy & hormone therapy all of which caused additional problems. I too wonder if a) he would have had a better quality of life and b) lived longer without the treatment. We only know we tried everything we could to save them.

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