It’s 14 weeks since my husband suddenly passed , so I now feel I have 14 weeks of “pretending “ all is ok!
I really don’t think people want to hear how shit my life was before Nick, how marvellous it was with Nick and now how “shite” is is without Nick !
Yes I have returned to work, gone on two holidays with my son, (instead of….) go out for meals , meet friends , go swimming , I just must be “fine “ then and getting on with life ?
I use to go to stage school I feel like I am acting I even convince myself sometimes it’s ok!
I realise I “make “ my self go to work , I make myself do the holidays , I make myself go out, I make my self smile , I make myself appear “normal “ today I am making myself go to a garden centre not been since nick passed, now I look at it as either “It was an ok day , or if it’s not it’s still shit “! Nothing to lose , I have lost the most precious person to me, so if I try do have a good day and it doesn’t work ? Well nothing lost !
You’re not alone withe pretending…
Why do we do it?
Who are we protecting by doing this?
Ourselves? Or everyone else?
I’m very good at avoiding the ‘are you ok’ questions because
a) no I’m not
b) if I give an honest answer, chances are they won’t know how to deal with it
Like you, I’m trying to carry on living my (very different) life, and some days are shitty, some days are ok, and very occasionally there is some fun and some laughter!
And they’re the days I’d like more of…
Hi Jane
I know how you feel. I have my days the bad ones where I pretend to everyone I know that I’m ok after losing my mum. They say are you ok and it must be hard losing your mum. Why do people’s people ask if I’m ok and say it must be hard. Some people think if I say a stupid thing like that it makes them look like they understand what I’m feeling. They don’t have the first clue how I’m feeling how could they have a clue when they haven’t experienced loss like I have. I sometimes think people say stupid things because it makes them feel better about themselves and it eases their conscience. I don’t want to hear it leave me alone if I want to pretend that I’m ok when clearly I’m far from ok.
I am sick of stupidity
I normally experience the “how are you “ with a head tilt ! What the F**k is that all about ? “How are you tilting your head to one side as You say it ! Oh I would love to say “I cartwheel every night naked in a meadow of daisy’s” !! What do they want me to say ?
Yeah exactly people are just so thoughtless. I get that one to and the one i hate is they say is there anything I can do for you? You don’t see them again. Annoying when they know your grieving
Oh yes " is there anything I can do for you ?, yes can you bring my husband back please "! i have been tempted ! x
Yeah I will not associate myself with people like that. It’s true you find out who your friends are.
I pretend every day when i’m barely holding my shit together & I have learnt we pretend not for us but for the benefit of everyone else because in reality if we gave the honest answer instead of “i’m doing ok” they wouldn’t know what to do & then its just awkward, we pretend so we don’t appear like the grim reaper to others & they avoid us so we don’t bring their mood down! I feel people only ask if ur ok cause they feel they should, its like in truth they don’t actually care! I find myself giving sarcastic answers like “its a full on rave at mine, I just constantly party” then smile politely! Maybe they all think i’ve lost the plot! I tell myself one day these people will be here in my shoes, suffering & then they will get it! Sending big hugs x
Hi
It’s a year of pretending for me popping on the smiling face mask… people assume after a year you should be over it or feeling better as if it’s some kind of illness…
I broke down yesterday in front of two neighbours who had invited me over and they just watched me cry and didn’t really know what to say… all I needed was a hug…
Then one piped up we are all in a similar situation you’ve lost your husdband, mines never there when he is sitting right next to me and the other husdband left for another women! Seriously 
what were they thinking…
I know that feeling, just gone two years of losing my wife, I tell people I am getting there and a fake smile, I can’t mix with a lot of people in case they ask about my wife Norma
i lost my husband Davy 9 weeks ago and today is a really bad day missing him so much just want to cry but just try to hold it together but it hurts so bad just keeping busy helps till you think about it its so hard
Cry if you need to don’t feel you have to hold it in… sorry for the loss of your husband sending a hug 
That’s all we can really do isn’t it I’ve given up saying how I truly feel because people either don’t want to hear it or they don’t know what to say…
Jane, my wife of 20 years died suddenly at home last August. Every day since then, all I’ve done is pretend. In January my mother had a massive stroke and died 2 days later. Things are just shit. I hoped that after a full year I’d be starting to feel a bit better, but I’m not. When I’m around people it’s all an act. Once I close my front door and I’m back in deafening silence, my act ends and I spiral down once more. I realized yesterday that in the past year I’ve not done anything that I’ve enjoyed. Just been doing things that I have to without any emotion. I wish I could interact with people, but I can’t. I have quite bad social anxiety issues which has meant that since I left school 40 years ago I have never had a friend, except my beautiful wife. I feel bad coming on here and saying the things that I do, but I don’t care about life, even more so now than a year ago. I wake up in a morning and do the same mind numbingly boring things that I did the day before. I wish a UFO would come down and scoop me up and take me to their world. But if they did I would still miss my wife
Hey @CliveH. Im so sorry you are feeling so lost and sad. You have had a lot of loss in a short period of time and so it’s no wonder that you don’t find any joy in your day to day life.
I have no answers sadly as I’m only 4 months into this hideous new life but keep posting here and sharing how you feel - it’s good to get those feeling out and not hide them all the time.
Others don’t understand unless they have been through this - lean on the support here when you need to as we all get it.
Perhaps you could try a new hobby or activity ? You might need to try a few different things but keep going until you find something that you enjoy or at least helps with distraction.
I’ve found doing new activities where no one knows me or my story makes it easier.
I hope and pray in time the pain will ease but I think it will be a long and bumpy road.
Sending some hope and strength to you xx
Hi Clive your not alone with feeling shit
I lost my partner suddenly last July I think I’m just going through the motions… I do try to find a bit of joy in every day even if it’s cooking and eating something I fancy… going for a walk in the woods and listening to the birds 
eve and weekends are the worse for me and I tend to stay in the house thinking what’s the point…I look at other couples happy lives and it really upsets me…
Keep talking and sharing your feelings
This platform is a godsend no one judges and you can dip in and out.
What you all write resonate with me so much its so bloody hard. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago on Sunday. My daughter gets married next Thursday me and Gra was walking her down the aisle now its just me i am dreading it. Then the 2nd would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. All i do is cry nothing as any meaning anymore. I sit here all alone my phone doesnt ring anymore. And if anyone does call i keep them talking just so i dont feel alone again. Xxx
I am fed up of pretending that I’m ok when I’m really not. I just wish people would use some common sense when it comes to a grieving person
I understand what you are saying ,hugs jo xx
The best one is…How are you?, feeling any better yet!, oh now the funerals done start healing yourself. You need to move on now!.
Really,! I just want to say ££%%^##^^. Just put your face paint on and keep smiling you will get there.
These people do not have a clue!