I have now been on my own for 13 months. We had bought a property with 46 acres of woodland and we knew that there was a lot of work needed, which was ok because we had each other and would do the work together, but now I am left with plans and the dreams but i find so hard to make the choices alone and difficult to find the get up and go to do the work some days, if I don’t then i feel i’am letting him down and feel guilty.
My friend came to visit for a week but iam already looking forward to being here without anyone as a good a friend as she is she does not understand what its like and I feel like telling her just to stop talking as she has no idea. Does anyone else feel that way?
Getting up in the morning tends to set the way the rest of my day will be.
Get up and start with jobs = a good day
Get up and cry = a bad day when not much gets done.
I understand how you feel. I often get very depressed when I wake up and cry a lot and then it sets in for the day. Occasionally I wake up and can get on with things but they are rare occasions. It is the lonliness of suddenly having to live alone that I find I cannot bear. I have no family. I am told it will get better - it has now been 9 months but I cannot see the end of this depression. Basically I do not like living alone and as I am 75 I have no option to live this very lonely life. Does lonliness get less over time, I wonder. To make matters worse the stress over the past 9 months has made me unwell but gradually getting better.
Hello dawn and flower garden. I have been on my own now for 22 months no children my days are the same. I cry most days on the morning after or during walking our dog on good days try to get things done around house or garden I am 71 and hate living this lonely life. Being treated for depression now Take care xx
I can feel your pain. It’s so devastating to grieve not only the partner but also the future plans and dreams. I guess we all need to try to rebuild our lives and dreams but it’s so difficult
@Dawn08 I can very much relate to all you have described, well apart form the 46 acres of woodland but my wife and I worked together and had plans and dreams about where we wanted and expected that to go. In the 18 months or so since she died I’ve had to leave a lot of those dreams in the past as without her they were just no longer achievable. It was hard at first to accept that and as with you it brought feelings of guilt and so pain and despondency. As time has went on and I’ve overcome hurdles, delt with grief and loss and find myself where I am today and I’ve come to realise that getting through that has been a major achievement, that my wife would have been proud of me for all I have weathered. I’m very sure that it would have been much the same for your partner, that he would have been proud of you for just getting through each day, each month, a year.
As with you I’ve also found it difficult to be around people for lengths of time, even close friends, even those that have lost their own partners and can fully relate to my position. I would often just get to the point where I would make my excuses and leave. I noticed recently that with time and practice it is getting easier, I think for me it was not just getting used to being in an intimate space with someone but feeling that I was able to control myself in that space. I guess that needing to feel in control stems from the loss that we had no control over. I still want, need and construct time for myself but I do now try to meet with at least one person a week, perhaps staying with them or they with me, I try to be careful who I choose to spend time with often spending it with people who I know I can be open with. I’ve found for me the ability to be open is the most important aspect of this, it has helped me to ease off on the need to control and I’ve found I can relax and let things take their course. It’s taken time but I’m feeling a lot more comfortable around people once more, even those I cant be open with. It’s been a lot of trial and error with disappointments and surprises in equal measure. I think for me the first year was about discovering and remembering my wife and working out how to carry that loss. The second year seems, so far, to be about discovering me and understanding how I am going to go forward carrying that loss, what will be left behind and what I can take with me.
As for the mornings, yip I still very much relate to and experience what you describe. Some days are worse than others, sometimes I have to push myself to do things, sometimes I just give up and focus on getting through the day. The guilt for me has subsided as I’ve understood that there’s only so much I can do given where I find myself, there’s only so much that I can expect of myself for the present but I can build on those expectations as I go forward. For me it helps to remind myself of how far I’ve come and to accept that it will never be the same as it was, and that in itself is not always a bad thing, I miss her every day but I don’t miss how I felt when she first left, it’s bitter sweet but I keep going forward, it’s what my wife would have wanted.
Hi I can relate to what you have said about being on your own. I spend a lot of time on my own and it’s something I will never get used to. I am not being defeatist but realistic. I’m in my early seventees and find it hard doing things on my own. Just doing the garden (which is quite big) takes it out of me…physically and emotionally. I know I need to move forward with the life I have now but find it a struggle. It’s not what I want or expected. Hope today goes better for us all.
I am told by my daughter in law that my husband would be proud of the things i have managed to get done , finish the house and started to clear the woods. But my husband was only 57 far to young to be taken. He was the strength in the partnership. And the vision he had for this place was all his. I now find it hard to enjoy this place but i would never sell it as it’s the place i fill closest to him.
I relate to this. The garden is a challenge as it is quite big and I find it hard doing it on my own. My partner did not like gardening but he helped with the heavy lifting and anything I could not manage on my own. Now that I am 75 I find everything a struggle emotionally and physically. I hate my own company and want my partner back but I know that is not going to happen.
Hi @flowergarden I really feel for you. I used to like being on my own sometimes but I knew my husband was always there. Even when he was in hospital I knew he would be coming home. Now being on my own all the time I find it soul destroying. I do have friends who help when needed but they have their own lives and families. I never thought my life would be like this. I thought we would grow old together. How wrong was I? Love to all.x
I know how you feel , I used to love time on my own , away from the madhouse I used to say ( more when the kids were younger ) , just ‘me’ time in a coffeeshop etc .
Now though I’ve realised it’s because she was there to go back to , now she’s not and time alone just reminds me of that horrible fact .
Like you sometimes I liked being on my own but my partner was always there. Before retirement we worked together from home and now since we retired about 16 years ago we always were together. I have one or two friends that help but I hate bothering them. I was not prepared for his death as he had a massive stroke whilst watching TV and died in hospital two days later - he was 77. When this happens your whole life is turned upside down and everything changes. It is so lonely living alone - worse than I would have imagined.
I’m exactly the same. When a friend used to suggest I went to this or that group, I always declined.“I’m quite happy in my own company” I’d say " I’ve got my hobbies " I’d say. I also had Roger coming home. Now I hate being on my own, and I really can’t get into my hobbies.
I cant believe how bad it is now. Wanting him here, wanting him to hold me, to talk to me, even moan at me. I’d take anything
I’m not having a good day today. Very down. Just looked over to my husband’s ashes and said " I can’t belive you’re not here". I really don’t like my life and finding things too much. Going to have a shower now to see if that bucks me up a bit. Is this all I/we have to look forward to? Where did my lovely life go? As you can see really not good today.x
Oh @Loobyloo2
You have just written EXACTLY how I am feeling today, word for word
Yes, where did my lovely life go?
It’s bloody horrible isn’t it.
This s**t show we are in!!!
It’s just come to me, that’s how it feels, I’m not living a real life, I’m acting, and it’s the worst show ever!
Looking forward to being able to go to bed and you try and dream of him… But that hasn’t happened to me for months now…
It’s awful isn’t it? But it does help to know that others feel the same as we do - sometimes I think I’m going crazy! I hate being on my own, I too used to like the occasional outing for a coffee on my own - but I knew he was there when I came home. Now he’s not, and I don’t want to do things on my own, I want my life back as it was before. Lots of hugs to everyone.
I’m finding being on my own so hard, even after about 14 months. We met at University and were together constantly until he left me, nearly 44 years. I too would often want to escape and spend time on my own when he was still here but sometimes wish now that I hadn’t. I do try and socialise but recently I have been finding it more difficult, particularly when I keep getting invited to things like weddings. I’m having a lot done to the house and garden to make it easier to manage, then later this year my adult, autistic son is coming home which means I won’t be on my own quite as much but it won’t be the same.
I met my husband when we were both 17, people said i could do better, i dont know why they would say that he was a kind and gentle person. We proved them wrong and were married for 34 years and two brilliant sons. They both looked up to him for guidance. They to are suffering from their dads loss. It has left such a big hole in our lives,one which can never be replaced. We try to carry on with his dreams but…
I now just want to be with him as my life is nothing without him, but that wouldn’t help my sons. We were and are a very close family but the best part of us is missing.
It’s so hard, isn’t it. This was a poem that was in a book that the funeral director gave me so I could choose a reading for the funeral (I didn’t choose it):
Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off like a heavy coat.
Sometimes I have said
You would not let me breathe or move.
But now that I am free to choose light clothes,
Or none at all
I feel the cold
And all the time I think how warm it used to be.
It’s so true, I think we all regret the times we spent away from them now. You are lucky to have your son coming back to live with you, at least you won’t be so alone then.
Hi Flower Garden, I hate living alone, when My first husband passed away my children were living at home. When my partner died in January this year, I was devastated as unexpected. The silence is deafening. I am getting out and about but not much enthusiasm. Let us hope in time we can come terms with our loss.
