I want to get my life back. But it feels tough. I am part of a group who are all trying to do the same thing but in different ways.
Some just go off on a cruise with a daughter. Me my passport expired just another obstacle. Couldn’t get acceptable image and so hit a block. Easy to some people. But others say frightened of cruises. Well I only went on one ll years ago when my husband was alive. That was very stressful through two lots of customs.
Flight then ship. Some love it. Well I found it a mixture really. Some bits I liked better than others.
Others go on coach trips. Others on the train. Some alone and some with a group.
I find it is easier in some ways on my own and at other tines not.
What do other people think?
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Hello Enorac
I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Take good care, Rhi
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Enorac. Hi, it’s almost three months since I lost my wife, and if I didn’t own my own holiday home I would not have yet been going away. As it is I am away but it’s been the hardest few days I can imagine. Not only being on my own, but needing to clear my wife’s clothes and her other personal items as well. Getting out and about is very hard for most of us in this situation, many simply stay indoors. Grief affects people in very different ways, and no-one can easily say which is best for you. I don’t think I could cope with going on a cruise, of the other trips you mention as yet.
I’d say there’s no need to rush to do any of the things your group are trying to do. Yes, we all want our life back, but it will be a different life to what we knew before. We need to learn to cope with things alone before we can take on big challenges I think. Each of us will do this over different timescales too. Don’t feel pushed into doing what you’re not comfortable with until you feel ready to do that.
I hope this does help, even if just a little. Much love. Nigel xxx
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@Nigel-Marnee
I’ve just read what you’ve put and even though it was advice for someone else it has totally struck a chord with me. You’re so right.
Thank you.
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Tenpin, I’m sorry for your loss, and yes, so much seems to strike a chord when we read what others are saying - it’s quite uncanny how we are often feeling the same despite being on different paths.
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@Nigel-Marnee
Yes you’re right. But I’ve also found grief takes no prisoners. It lurks in the back ground waiting to pounce just when you’re starting to feel 'a little better '. Today I had the bed we had took away. My hubby was 6ft 7. So alone it was more than unbearable. Plus the smell of him it wasn’t comforting me only making me cry be anxious and have panic attacks. I know he wanted me to do what’s right so I could at least try to move forward but sat here now tears streaming have I done the right thing? Am I pushing him out. Silly pathetic thoughts. X
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Tenpin! No of course you’re not pushing him out! And your worries are genuine - not silly or pathetic at all. We all have doubts about things - I know I do!
You have yourself to think about and your health is the most important thing you should focus on. If the bed was causing you issues, then you’ve done exactly the right thing. I’d do the same if that were me in that situation. And yes - you’ve said it yourself, your husband wanted you to do what’s right for you, and doing things to move forward are the exact things he’d have wanted you to do.
Take care, much love. Nigel xxx
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@Nigel-Marnee
Thank you for that. I find it strange that I have loads of self doubt that I never had before. I’m questioning the smallest thing I do. I think I’ll go and do this but hours later I still haven’t. Grief is evil absolutely horrible. X
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Tenpin, I’ve questioned so much it’s untrue. From religious faith to … things I can’t even write about. I think that losing someone who means so much just ramps up our minds to a stage we can’t comprehend! We doubt ourselves, and our loved ones too. Usually for no good reason.
Take care - much love. Nigel xxx
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Hi’ya Enorac
I got to do this also, but it’s been a double blow for me and I’m not through it yet. My Passport runs out next month also. I not been anywhere for a few years. A nice holiday would be nice, but not sure about a cruise as I can’t swim.
In the space of a year I lost my mum August 21her mum’s birthday if she had been alive. Then June last year I was diagnosed with Myeloma Cancer, blood cancer. of course I lost my life to the hospital as you would imagine weekly chemo injections. I think about my mum too, and I got a hernia on top. But it’s a bit daunting doing it alone isn’t it ? The hospital wants me in for a Stem Cell Transplant next month to extend my life. That Carrys risk to life, I was suppose to do that back in December but could not consent as I wasn’t mentally prepared for the meeting.
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@Nigel-Marnee
Yes your mind does play tricks. I’ve questioned everything possible. I’ve had to deep breath and calm down. So I know try to think and believe what is good for me. Some days those thoughts end up backwards. A friend has just called me. I actually had a laugh and we mentioned my hubby. I put the phone down and now I feel physically sick shaky and ready to lose it again. I couldn’t even pinpoint what is going through my mind. Life . Is it worth it? Xx
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Yes tenpin, it is worth it. I’ve just had a long call with my grandson’s other grandmother. We lost her husband several years ago and despite a divorce between my daughter and their son, we’ve remained good friends. We had a laugh and a cry like we always do when we talk about her husband or my wife. We are now living a life that is completely different to the past. It does get easier, but it takes time. I’m currently watching a video of my eldest daughter’s wedding in 2004 and that brings tears to my eyes. But it also showed me exactly why I loved my wife so dearly - so loving, caring and stunning looking as well. What more could I have asked for. Memories are so special.
There is a lovely saying: - The deeper the love, the greater the grief. So true!
Take care of yourself and try to understand that it will take time to get through this horrible mess we find ourselves in.
Much love to you. Nigel xxx
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@Keith68
Don’t give up love. I understand that it’s hard for you. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to. What about the hospital do they offer any counselling before such a big risk? Xx
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I got friends, a aunty in Oz and a sister. But we not that close. I did Maggie’s today, they do monthly Myeloma group sessions.
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@Keith68
Could you talk to them. As you’re not close perhaps you could start by the usual chat and gently ask their opinion. Is the group of any benefit for you? Comfort reassurance? I don’t know what area you are from but this website you’re on if you explore it is a great help. There is so much they do counselling over phone or video groups a line where can phone and chat anytime. I’m just trying to throw things out there to help you if I can. You’re not alone. X
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I done video chats on here, but they quite short. I also belong to a spiritualist group on FB. I’m getting quite a bit from that.
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@Keith68
It’s a case of whatever makes you feel better love. But don’t forget we have to live here now in the real world. And it’s here we have to get the people and network to make us carry on. My man made just about everyone we know make me carry on my life but for him as well. I know he’s around me. It’s the not being able to touch him or see him that’s killing me. If you are getting comfort and it’s helping you good. Xx
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Hi
it is Valentines day today and it has triggeed thoughts about i used to do something because it was. I am not going to fish old cards like last year.
But i know i have some unused cards i made years ago in a box. I could light a candle for him. I am going to the gp todat and then a community shared lunch for sheoherds pie we do every month and there will be older people there some in the same boat. Can’t judge book by it’s cover i found out. I wonder whether to buy myself a bunch of flowers or wait until is over and get them cheap. I fancy treating myself . Well better go have a bath and be ready for the gp. I read a fiction story about this subject in People’s Friend. I dont think i am the only one who feels like me today.
I gave a basket of flowers to someone else yesterday because I felt it was about time i did that instead of being inward.
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