Hi @olive3 - im so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum 6 months ago and i know how completely agonising and heartbreaking it can feel. I also feel frustrated at the lack of support given to people in the very early stages of grief - I think they assume you’ll get all the support you need from family and friends in the initial weeks/months, but thats just not the case for everyone.
I dont know if this may be of any use but Ive included a link for the Wales Bereavement Information and Support Service - they might offer group support near you?
I would also suggest if you have any hospices in your local area, phone them/check their website as they sometimes offer free bereavement support regardless of whether your mum was a patient or not. A hospice close to me runs a drop in aimed specifically at people who are bereaved less than 3 months. Why doesnt everywhere do this?!!
Whilst you cant access counselling right now, there are helplines you can call if you are in immediate distress and need to speak to someone. Ive not used them personally so I cant vouch for the quality of support, but they will provide a listening ear:
On the days where you cant bring yourself to talk to others but dont want to feel alone, i found listening to grief related podcasts was helpful. Ones i found helpful were Good Mourning and Griefcast, but there are lots more out there.
And this site has also been a lifeline - you are surrounded by people at all stages of loss, and we all support each other. Just take one day at a time right now. Dont think any further than that. You’re not alone
Ok, that’s frustrating. I saw that Ally had given you some great suggestions, I hope something there will work out. All the feelings you have are valid and you absolutely don’t seem dramatic, I understand that you are hurting. Like Ally said, it can be helpful to read other’s stories on this forum and to comment, if you have the energy.
Dont apologise- until youve experienced it, i dont think anyone realises the huge impact losing a parent can have. You say your sister was your mums carer, so im sure she must be grieving too. Are you close- can you turn to each other for support? Its good to have someone you can keep talking about your Mum to.
Everyones different in what helps - i write to my mum every day in my journal. Any type of movement/walking/exercise is also really helpful - there are all sorts of hormones flying around in your body right now, so exercise can help regulate that. But grief takes time - it is completely normal to feel a huge range of emotions - sadness, anger, pain, guilt, or even numbness. Grief is love that has nowhere to go - so if you loved your mum deeply, you will grieve deeply
Every day you get through is an achievement. I remember feeling like i was just hanging on by my fingernails. I set myself just a couple of small tasks on my phone every day, nothing too ambitious. But i allowed plenty of time to rest, and time to cry if i wanted.
You mentioned earlier you were having panic attacks - are you still experiencing these? If so, did you mention this to your GP? You might find something for anxiety might help even if you cant get antidepressants. You should be entitled to ask to speak to a different GP if youre unhappy.
hi yes i saw the doc who reluctantly gave me antidepressants which i know take rwo weeks to kick in .
difficult relationship with my sister. hitting myself and i wake up with panic attacks
i hit myself too, never thought i would be this person, its the giult more than the grief i think i dont deserve to live ,but i don’t want to kill myself i dont think
Was this a 2nd doctor? I thought your gp wouldnt prescribe any? Did i misunderstand that bit?
Guilt is common emotion to experience as part of grieving. If you read the other threads here, you will see plenty of people experiencing guilt. We tell ourselves- “IF we had/hadnt done XYZ then the outcome might have been different”. But one thing i was told - just because you have a thought, it doesnt mean it’s true.
Have you been taught any techniques to help with panic attacks? Its not something ive experienced but there are plenty of guides online. If you are experiencing thoughts of harming yourself PLEASE talk to one of the helplines i suggested next time you feel that urge.
yes i have tried a help line thank you. the thoughts just wont leave me alone. the GP gave in in the end with the antidepressant tho they make you worse at first and dont work fully for a month
Good that the doctor listened. I hope he or she is doing regular checkups on you now to see how they work.
Try to find a distraction when the thoughts come. Going out for a walk or something else you usually like to do. You won’t feel like you want to do it, but do it anyway, just to get away from what’s in your head.
Here are some tips for panic attacks that you can try to break the thought loops too.
Don’t feel bad or ashamed you’re hitting yourself. It’s just a sign the emotional pain gets too much for the brain and body to handle. But you need another outlet for the pain and if you can find someone to talk to via Ally’s suggestions, it might help.
yes i have the antidepressants i have now looked them up and am worried about using them tho i have started.
its like my whole life has collapsed, I was working and then looking after mum at the weekends, now i cant work and she is gone and I let her down.
not sure how to live with this .
maybe the pills will dull the thoughts enough to let me work, i know they take two weeks to kick in ,they make you sick tho and are hard to come off?
It’s not for certain they make you worse, it wasn’t like that for me. And hard to stop is mostly when you’ve taken them for years. But if you do stop it’s always good to taper them rather than quit suddenly. So don’t worry about that right now, the idea isn’t to have you on them forever, just to help you through the worst.
It’s hard being on your own with only your thoughts for company. Do you have any friends living near you that could come by? Could your sister help with the eulogy, or maybe you want to do it yourself.
i could barely function yesterday I went to sleep and woke up with terrible thoughts of my guilt and shame at my actions.
i cannot undo them ,
bereavement support accessed, and awaiting a call but might have to wait the two months. Sertarline wont have kicked in yet, still taking the sleeping pills tho i did miss a day out and will try just taking one.
not sure why im posting but dont know what else to do.
options…to end it all…dont have the means seems cruel to others
to run away…i could relocate but it would still be me and my head.
to get though it…i just cant see how. or see any future
Dont think about the future - its so early days, each day is a massive challenge in itself right now. If getting through a day feels too much, break your day into chunks morning/afternoon/evening and just focus on getting through one chunk.
Make sure you are looking after yourself physically - eating what you can stomach, sleeping when you can, moving your body.
Have you considered looking at whether the hospices in your area offer local support/drop ins you can access?
Dealing with feelings of guilt is part of the grieving process. Only you can work through these - if i tell you “dont feel guilty” it wont make any difference. We have to learn to forgive ourselves. We often judge ourselves much more harshly than we would others - a tool i often use is imagine a good friend coming to you, wracked with guilt, in great distress. sit with her, ask her whats wrong? Imagine she starts telling you her story - in your case it would be the identical story to what youre telling yourself right now, all the details about what shes done/didnt do, how its making her feel. Listen to your friend telling the story in her words. And then stop and think how would you support/advise your friend who you care for so much? What words come? Generally whenever i do this i am far kinder to my friend than i am to myself.
Heres an article on coping with guilt during grief that you may also find useful
And keep posting here - there are so many people dealing with loss and pain and guilt - we all support each other and thats how we get through one more day.
I know how bleak it can get. Take baby steps and don’t even think of the day ahead, just an hour ahead or even less. Have you told your GP just how bad you feel? Maybe they can refer you to a regular counsellor that could recieve you sooner.
Do keep posting here, it’s a way to vent and get it all out. We’re here to listen! There are a couple of longer threads in the category Losing a parent on this forum. You might want to comment there too and say hi, because more people will see it there and be able to offer support.
I saw that Ally had given you some great suggestions, I hope something there will work out. All the feelings you have are valid and you absolutely don’t seem dramatic, I understand that you are hurting. Like Ally said, it can be helpful to read other’s stories on this forum and to comment, if you have the energy. 
