mum went into hospital after a fall , she has dementia and had seen the consultant only two weeks beforehand who said it was moderate to severe. She fell because she had a UTI.
She was discharged to a NH on EOL with advanced dementia. That was three weeks ago I am paralysed with guilt as I should I did not stay with her after first fall (which was a week earlier she saw the doc and district nurse who said she was fine, there was no injury from the second fall and in hospital I was told by three different doc that she was medically fit.
Here we are three weeks on I visit every day , she had carers and my sister who was her main carer but I should have moved in with her, I should have put her in a care home it was all i the pipeline now its all too late and I know I could have done better.
I am carrying on work on hold as I have to see her through this time, but when she is finally at peace from this living hell of waiting to die I am not sure I will be able to go on.
thank yiu if you reached the end of this post, not sure why I have sent it really.

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I am sure you done all you could for your mum, you will find the strength to go on. Do not blame yourself for what happened .Take care

Hi thank you for your kind words.
I did not make the right call at the right time.
I know that dementia ends like this but I could have and should have done better.
It might have made no difference but…
Meanwhile the inability to function other than to be with mum as much as I can bear and to try and ensure her last days are as comfortable as possible is all I can do.
I am not sure after that .
Thank you again as contact with others is priceless as I am on my own .

Hello, I think it’s natural to feel we should have done better, I read somewhere that only very caring people question their actions.

We put our trust in the medical professional as we’re not experts, you listened to them and accepted what they said, that’s all any of us do.

Your doing your best & you care, if your mum could tell you I’m sure that she would tell you this.

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its too soon even with dementia its too soon she was seen by the memory clinic end of Feb they discharged her as it was moderate to severe.
Now its EOL. Getting close i think

I know that I failed to act appropriately, I am trying to shelve the guilt and be there for mum in these final weeks.
End of life is beyond hard and no one knows when the end will be, the grief is overwhelming, I go in every day to be with her even though she doe not know who I am, Sometimes I thinks she knows she is dying and last night she said she was fed up.
I have to get through to her last breath, I just have to

struggling so much with mums end of life its as if i cant function other than when i am with her.
I am shaking when i wake up, having panic attacks, i cannot stop the intrusive thoughts and self recrimination for all the things I should have done, all too better .
I know that I have to stay with mum until the end,.
I want it to end I don’t want it to end , I can see the logic I know I can’t change the past
I cant face the future .
I am not working at the moment as work is 3 hrs away. Just struggling to cope.

I couldn’t scroll past without saying something. I’ve been through this with my dad and I know all too well the terrible feeling of wanting it to end and not wanting it to end at the same time. I couldn’t function when I wasn’t with him either. It’s worse than any nightmare and my heart goes out to you. Is your sister there with you, so you have each other to lean on? Sending hugs and strength and you’ll be in my thoughts. :people_hugging::heart:


thank you i am getting less sleep and less periods where i feel under control.
i am fine when i am with her

still here and mum is still hanging in , dark thoughts about the future., but i have to be here until the end for her.

Hugs you. :people_hugging: You can do it, for her. I know there are no words for this, but it’s good that you are posting here. Don’t think about the future, it doesn’t exist. Just be with her and tell her everything you feel you need to say. :heart:

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thank you Ulma I think it is really close now and I am with mum as much as I can be. dreading the moment and unable to live with my guilt

I know how difficult it is to bear the feelings of guilt and that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else says, but I’m saying it all the same - it’s so easy in hindsight to think you should’ve done things differently, but you didn’t know back then what you do now or what would happen. Sending you strength for the days ahead. :heart::purple_heart::heart::purple_heart::heart::purple_heart:

my mum passed on Fri eve I was there and its Sunday now I have come home 120 miles away and I cant believe its happened. she deserved so much more and I let her down and now she has gone.
I will go on I know its only time that will help I don’f deserve to live but I wouldn’t burden my son with my death that would be cruel and I am too much of a coward.
I cant atone for my actions , mum was so innocent in the end I dont recognise the person I am …so ashamed

I’m so very sorry. :people_hugging: It’s good that you have your son, so you aren’t completely alone. I know the guilt is crushing, I’ve been there. Yes, time will ease it a little, but please find a counsellor to talk to who listens and lets you speak about it at length. You get stuck in the thought loops on your own and that only makes it worse. To break those loops you can also try to write to your mum, a letter or in a journal, just to get it out of your head and onto the paper. :heart::heart::heart::heart:

yes today is the first day back at home I have taken someones dog fir a walk and she than cooked me lunch, i dont deserve such kind ness and still the loop is in my head.
the guilt and shame is overwhelming . i hit myself and talk myself through it all .
before i was spending all my time with mum but now i cant control it at all.
i know is pointless i know no one else feels that it is warranted.
there is nothing i can do now but day by day get through. as i will not end it .
i am going to break its like a slow car crash that i cant stop.
i am not garnering sympathy, i just dont know what to do.
docs tmrw may be a bit of chemical intervention.
thank you for your reply

I feel your pain, I’ve been there with the hurting myself too. :people_hugging: It won’t be quite as raw after a few weeks, but that doesn’t help you now. I’m glad you got out and got some lunch and even more so that you’ll see a doctor. Take all the help you can get, even if you don’t feel you deserve it right now, and ask the doctor if he/she can refer you to someone to talk to as soon as possible. I know logic doesn’t work, but this is too much for you to bear alone. You need someone to vent to in person. Sending love and hugs. :heart::heart::heart:

no talking to anyone before two months after a bereavement , doc doesn’t want me to take antidepressants for the same reason as you have to process the grief first.
I just dont know what to do with all this guilt and shame. hurting myself is not the answer I know but what do I do, I know its one hour then one day at a time and breathe. very tired now thank you for your time

What?! That’s horrible, you need the help now, not in two months. :people_hugging::heart:

I don’t know if you’re in UK, but I just saw this comment from the Sue Ryder team in another thread. Maybe something to try? I hope the link works.

yes the sue Ryder counselling is also only after two months.
yes i am in Wales.
wow woke up this morning and realised this is the rest of my life . i dont want to seem dramatic but maybe its too hard. i didnt know i was this person