not sure what to post i didnt take the sleeping pills last night as i thought i was tired enough. well a long night with no sleep and awake now consumed with guilt.
i just dont know how this will end felt sick all yesterday and couldn’t eat,
im really not trying to wallow in self pity
im trying to focus on the funeral. after that I just dont know unless the antidepressants kick in and i become numb its the only way i can see of getting through this
Im sorry that there is no easy route through grief i can give you - i wish i could give it to all of us! 
If you love someone deeply, you grieve them deeply, and it hurts like hell. But that doesnt mean it will feel like this forever. In the early days it really is a case of hanging on and just getting through a day/hour at a time.
Have you tried journalling your feelings? Some people findi it useful. Maybe the things you are consumed with guilt about, write them in a letter to your mum - you could even leave it with her at the funeral home.
Take it easy today - try and eat something light and have a nap later if you feel like it. Its sunny here - if you can step outside and get some sunlight on your face for a few minutes.
Small steps, thats all you can take right now, small tiny weeny baby steps. 
i have just started to strim my garden. i will be in a charity shop for a couple of hours after.
i just can’t function, i am shocked and ashamed of the person i am i let her down so badly. i have no excuse i am not sure why i am posting its not for redemption as i know there is none i suppose as you say i am hoping that writing it down will somehow get it out. i have spoken to three people about this but they do not want to keep hearing the same thing over and over. so i post thank you for answering and caring
You can keep posting on here as much as you like without worrying about repeating yourself. 
Well done for getting out on the garden - doing something physical with your body can sometimes help take you out of sitting in your thoughts all the time. Thats why often people find going for a walk helps if you’re having a difficult moment.
I know this will probably fall on deaf ears dearest, but personally i cannot see that you did anything “wrong” that you should beat yourself up about. You made all the decisions you thought were right at the time. All of us can look back and say "if i had done X then Y wouldnt have happened " But you simply dont know that. From what i know of your story - 1) you were assured by multiple medical experts that your mum was fine after her first fall, 2) your mum had care in place, from carers and your sister so she wasnt unsupported 3) when you noticed she was deteriorating you were starting to put arrangements in place to either get more care/move in/move her to a home. Those are the actions of a loving daughter who understandably could not do everything for her mum, but had to rely on a support network of medical professionals and carers. Who’s to say if your mum had gone into a home she wouldnt have had a fall there, or deteriorated in some other way? Then you would be wracked with guilt about moving her into the home. I cared for my mum full time the last year of her life, but im still wracked with guilt about was i caring enough, did i spend enough time with her, did my actions cause her demise at the end? I loved her with all my heart - but she still died
Im not saying that you cant feel guilty - its a normal part of grief and you have to acknowledge how you feel. But take time to also reflect on all the things you DID do for your mum. The carers that looked after my mum used to tell us tales of clients who had family, yet the family offered no support, no contact with their relative - they were left entirely dependant on 30 minute visits from carers. That breaks my heart.
Sending you hugs for today 
Ah thank you - guilt is such a horrible emotion - it seems to find ANY chink in our armour to worm its way in, and then seems to be incredibly difficult to then evict!
so hard I just know I should have done better poor mum, she was quiet, though she would send the carers away and me too at times.
she wanted to stay in her own home but I should have been there . I was a coward. im sorry (i know that is an empty word)
i just dont know how to live with that.
i am concentrating on the funeral now. I’m on antidepressants and hope they will help me to at least function
but thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses.
I am so disappointed in myself, I should have moved in with her .
thank you Bluebell, I walked yesterday and just didn’t feel I should be here. I am on anti depressants and I think they are kicking in as I am not hitting myself as much and the thoughts are not as desperate. But the narrative is over and over I am not the person I thought I was , my mum has gone, I should have done better by her .
Olive, it’s good to hear that the anti-depressants are kicking in and seem to help a little. The narrative is hard to get rid of, I know. Just take small steps and try to hang in there.
Hi Ulma I have seen you on other posts thank you for your support you are truly helping .
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That’s kind of you to say.
another day fawns and i awake to birdsong…i despair
So another day waking in despair, what now I don’t feel that I can go back to work, I don’t feel that I can carry on what is the point. I don’y want to die but I can’t find a reason to live with this, i don’t deserve to.
I have an eye test today and I am going into work to see how I feel, but I am so anxious to go there
Ally I woke up steeped in anxiety and guilt, I can soo no way forward atm.I am trying and will go into work this afternoon to see how it feels.
Thank you an hour then day at a time but I can’t face myself I should have done more.
Be gentle with yourself - its not even 2 weeks since your mum passed, its incredibly early days. Everything will be raw and overwhelming- thats prefectly normal. Our mums are so precious to us, you have just been through a massive trauma, and its not a one off event, its having to face that loss every day thats so heartbreaking
Some people find a benefit in returning to work quickly because it provides some routine, but dont feel you HAVE to return yet - you can always get signed off by your GP. Bear in mind you’re on medication that youre adjusting to as well. Others find a phased return to work helpful, so returning on fewer hours can be less stressful. Do what feels right for you. It would also be worth asking if your employer offers an employee assistance programme - these often offer access to a 24 hour confidential helpline plus this might be another route you could access counselling now without any waitlist.
Your feelings of guilt are normal and if you eventually get access to counselling you’ll be able to talk through all your feelings and try and make sense of them. But its still such early, early days for you. Dealing with grief takes time - the mind has suffered a huge trauma - someone who was always there suddenly isnt, and the brain cant deal with it straight away. It literally has to start rewiring itself.
See how you feel later - depending what your work colleagues are like you may find some comfort in seeing them and chatting over a coffee. But it is still really early days so dont push yourself if you dont feel ready. Sending hugs and strength to you
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morning, i will be on a phased return to work as of nxr week.
i just cannot function in the mornings and wake up shaking after a nights waking and then going back to sleep for an hour or so.
thank you for your support.
i think the medication is making me less suicidal and harmfuk to myself, it dulls the thoughts that are always with me