I am crying again as i reflect back to my slightly younger days particularly when i was out and about doing my three dogs walk, when i would say a good morning to an elderly gent or elderly lady who i felt had one been married and was now without their hubby or wife, did i really give that person any serious thought, well how many of us have found we are one of these elderly people now…I say, grab every chance of happiness and love that comes our way…Yes we on our Sue Ryder bereavemnt forum have come across one or two ( men ) who have found love and happiness since they lost their wives, some will no doubt have their views as to whether they feel this is right or wrong, more so if it was done too soon but, who are we to judge, as i say, we dont have too many chances in this life of love, contentment and happiness, fi love comes along, it is our personal choice as to whether we are being disloyal to our previous hubby or wife, then we have also to think of what they would have wanted…As for myself and my Richard this did not ever come up for discussion but i am good as 99% my Richard would have carried on by himself, alone…he would not want anyone else, he was satisfied with me…


weve all got people we know ,who are married or in a relationship, were they are not happy.maybe because so many ,if not all of those who join up to this site are looking for ways to cope after losing there loved ones.this is because we loved our other halfs as much as is humanly possible,hence we are not coping and looking out side the box for help.
and among the 100s in our positions its no unusual to find a few who will find solace in having another partner like several of those on this site dont want find anyone else and thats our choice.i wont judge those who find another partner if it helps them good luck to them.

Hi Ian I agree with you especially the last sentence my wife Jane who passed away last November would take some replacing I would have a job finding someone who would be prepared to put up with life we had for 43 years we moved 9 times in that time I worked on various farms during those years house went with the job and through all those times moving for better job, redundancy,etc not once did she complaine, the hours she as helped me in my job, farming not a 9-5 job ,the hours she spent on her own the latter few years I feel now how she felt alone without HER certainly not lonely for someone else,what I am trying to say is I would possibly be comparing her to someone else all the time and that would not be fair.
At seventy years of age would I find anyone who would put up with me like she did,I very much doubt it.
Fate brought us together and fate took her away so until I see her again l’ll stay true just to her.
Kind regards MM69


I also don’t think there would be anyone that would put up with me, wouldn’t want to inflict myself on any poor soul. My husband told me a couple of weeks before he died that he had learnt how to handle me. If I went off on one he just changed the subject and I realised that he was right. I often wondered why any disagreement we had always finished double quick. Now I know. He was a special man.

hi Pat
Jayne and I used to be similar we had disagreements,we could both get to stage were we could shut off the argument and refuse to discuss it anymore we both found that a tad annoying.when Jayne was going through treatment for breast cancer the drugs and emotions made Jayne snap at me,but I didn’t respond or react as I loved her so damn much and didn’t want to add to the stress she was going through.Jayne would apologise regularly and say she didn’t mean what she said,i told her she didn’t need to say sorry,im there for you and nothing will stop me loving you and wanting help you how every I could.not many people in this world can put hand on heart and say they found a partner who completed them and made you realise without them life as no real meaning and a future without them is bleak and empty.sorry just trying convey to everyone that Jayne was everything that I could ever of wanted in a lifelong best friend lover and soulmate .
ian x

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It is just 4 months since my husband died, I am grieving more now than when he first passed. Like others who are part of this forum, I think it has only just hit me.
I thank all of you who have been so generous in sharing your feelings, straight from the heart, you have no idea how much your generosity has helped and is still helping me.
May I wish each and everyone of you, a peaceful Christmas, God Bless

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I can understand what you mean about grief hitting you months after a loss. My husband died 5 months ago. The first few weeks were full of tears , then I gradually began to cry less but would still cry at some point each day, just not as much! I’m now finding that the tears and feelings of loss are returning. I don’t think Christmas has anything to do with it… I have a lovely, supportive family who have cared for me in many ways since Nigel died. The path of grief and loss is so unpredictable.

Thank you very much, Leensa for your reply, I too have a very supportive family, it isn’t just the same is it? We have a daughter aged 55 and a son aged 52, both of them live 80 miles away in different directions, both of them have been wonderful in dealing with all the messing about which we have to do when a death occurs. I have a lot of friends who keep in touch some going back 30-40 years, they take the trouble to visit me too. I know I am very lucky to have such support, I am practically housebound and I have only been out approx. 5 times since Stan’s funeral, these have been medical appointments to my GP/hospital. I know that I am very lucky in so many ways, our grandson and his partner have invited me to spend Christmas Day with them (they have a baby who is 15 months old). I am really looking forward to seeing all of them, my daughter is coming to collect me on Christmas Eve day. I know I shouldn’t moan, Stan and I had been married for 59 years. Thank you once again,
God Bless,

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Mary - You seem like such a gentle spirit that has been hit with many blows. Your words are very comforting to me, and others. For me, it’s been 6 months, and the last couple of weeks have been very sad and full of many tears . I think it does have something to do with accepting the finality of all this.
I was talking to an old friend who has been very supportive. She has been single most of her life. I heard the catch in her voice as we spoke of that. As we were talking, I thought of your words about being fortunate to have the time we did. She was one of many who has had to do it alone . I had 40 years.
My dear lady, I hope you can find joy in the eyes of your great grandson, peace in the love of your family and have some respite from your sorrow. God Bless

Thank you, Heather_Diane, I am really looking forward to seeing our great-grandson, his daddy, mummy, our daughter and son-in-law, and of course our grandson and his partner. They live in Ashbourne Derbyshire, it is quite a long way, I have never driven (our son lives the same distance away) in the opposite direction.
Today (Sunday) I have had a really bad day, full of grief for my dear husband. Maybe it is because we are so near Christmas, seeing the TV adverts does not help. Yesterday, I received a Christmas card addressed to both of us, wishing us well, I reacted today, yesterday, I was numb. It wasn’t the sender’s fault, it was mine if anybodys’.
I wish all of you a very contented Christmas,

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Hi Mary, I am so pleased that your family is visiting you, I’m sure it will be a time of joy for you and help to carry you through the sadness of losing your husband.
I have come to accept those bad days as part and parcel of my life now. A bad day usually means a reasonable day will follow and vise versa.
I have not received the usual Christmas cards this year and presume that those that didn’t know I had lost Brian last year now know. Not from me as I didn’t know addresses. Brian dealt with most of the Christmas cards and I can’t find his address book anywhere. It seems that now Brian’s gone I am conveniently forgotten and don’t exist.

Dear Pat,

I understand what you mean about Christmas cards, to be fair, I haven’t sent any, this year. I cannot bear to put only my name on them, I also have very painful arthritis in my hands, my handwriting is a disgrace these days. I do appreciate your reply, the dreadful feeling which I had lasted all day. Our daughter rang me yesterday evening, it was good for us to have a chat, both her and our son are suffering too.

I hope that you have a peaceful Christmas,

Take care,



Hello Mary I love reading all the messages here it helps me so much to know I am not alone. I lost my Ron 3 years ago and hate every minute with out him after nearly 51 years. I just though I would say that every card I have written I put Carol and Ron and then I add my Angel in the sky. I am so pleased to say that so many cards I have received say Carol and Ron her angel so his name is always there and I love it. Love and hugs to you Mary and all on this site. xxxx Carol xxxx

Hi Mary. As I said Brian was more of the card writer than me but this year I decided to send cards to the people that supported me this last year. Needless to say non of his family have had a card as I haven’t heard from any of them. However I have pushed cards through the door of neighbours or even dog walkers that I meet up with but have given me the time of day and been company. I know this has surprised them but I thanked them for having the time to chat.
Hope you have a good day with your family
Pat xxx

Hello Pat,
I haven’t sent a card this Christmas, my lifelong friend, Pam wrote ours’, sadly she passed away 3 and a half years ago. Stan took it on, I have arthritis in my right hand, I find it so difficult to write. Now Stan has been taken from me, in the flesh ( I know that he is with me in Spirit), I have decided to abandon the Christmas cards from this year on. I haven’t heard from my younger brother’s family, he passed away 4 years ago, nor my sister nor nieces and nephews. Even when Stan was poorly, last summer he eventually passed away last August, there wasn’t an acknowledgement of his death. I was upset, now angry that such a gentle man could be treated in this way, he was always very kind to all of them. So sad, it is very hard to forgive, even though I hope that I am a Christian.
Rant over,
My very best wishes for Christmas and the New Year.

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Oh I do agree with you Mary. Non of Brian’s family have been in touch since his funeral, even his two daughters although I have tried to make contact by phone calls, e-mails and letters. I was advised to try sending them Christmas cards but decided against this as I realised I don’t particularly want contact with them anymore. My Brian was also a lovely man. He was kind and considerate and it’s sad that his own family have made no mention of him although I did ask his daughters to join me in grief. No reply from them once more. The only contact was from one of his daughters who got someone else to ring me to inform me she wanted Brian’s scooter and to get it ready for collection. I sold it elsewhere!!! I couldn’t believe her cheek as I had tried to make contact for months.
I don’t like my un-christian attitude either but I feel so let down by them especially as I thought we had a good relationship and their attitude added to my distress as I can’t understand what I have done.
Love to you and have a good Christmas with your caring family
Pat xxxx

Pat and mary,

I find it so hard to see that your families or those of your husbands havent been in touch. I’m not sure what I expected when my mum died but she was part of a large and very close family, so much so that half a dozen of them sat round her hospital bed to spend her last hours with her.
Since she died I get a monthly phone call from her brother which is lovely and a letter or phone call every couple of months from another sister. Apart from this I have heard from no one.
Considering my sister and I are the only ones to be without parents. Some of my cousins are in the 50s and 60s with both parents alive and well.
My mum would be amazed I think.
People are very strange and never fail to surprise me.
Cheryl x

I certainly never expected their reaction it has made me feel such a failure. I have been told that they have their own grief to cope with. if this is the case then why don’t they just explain this at least I would have some idea why they have stopped all contact. I did ask them to join me in grieving and perhaps we could help each other. However his daughters unpleasant attitude at the funeral was noted by other mourners and I was asked who they were. My Brian would also be surprised at some of their attitudes but not his daughters as they had behaved like this before towards him. Your right people are very strange.
Pat xxx

Yes Pat. The old expression up North sums it up. ‘There’s nowt so funny as folk’. We come in all shapes and sizes. We all have different attitudes and ways of thinking. Some good some not so good. It’s why grief is so difficult to understand. After over a year on this site I have read so many posts and have found so many ways of coping. Many have had the same or similar experiences to me. But none is exactly the same. As individuals we suffer the same pain but in so many different ways. Any book written about how to cope with grief can only come from the personal experience of the author, and so must be invalid to everyone else. This applies to books on anxiety, maybe more so. Each person must be treated according to how THEY feel, not how the helper feels even though they may have been through it themselves.
Take care all.

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I agree with that,after reading many posts on here we all have so much in common.We have suffered rejection by people we thought were friends,well they can all get stuffed as far as I’m concerned.Most of them knew Rob and I like to talk about him and I thought they would too.I have just 2 that have bothered to keep in touch and their messages are few and far between.I feel sorry for them

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