Did I set the bar too high in thinking/ expecting I’d get more support from family & friends when hubby passed?
I think I did and this could explain why I feel “let down” even angry with them.
I can’t actually pinpoint what I wanted people to say or do tho - just know I expected more.
This is going round & round in my head this morning.
Hi Grandma, I personally think that family and friends are uncomfortable when you lose a loved one. They don’t know how to react in the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and upsetting you more. You don’t have to feel angry with them because they don’t know, as nobody does unless they’ve been through it themselves. Don’t let it get to you, I’ve been there. Now I just except it. Take care x
@lonely, when my mum passed away 2009, my dad went to live with my sister in Leeds. We used to travel up as often as we could and then he passed away in 2018. They lived near us (about 12 miles away) and we would take them shopping every Saturday for about 8/9 years. Then Viv (my wife) passed away in 2020. You do what you have to do and what feels right at the time. Like you, I am now quite happy being on my own. I tried online dating last year but it’s not for me. I now say that I do what I want, when I want, where I want! Sending love for your frankness. x
I don’t think you set the bar to high. I’ve read enough posts on here to see that it’s an all to common coarse that those around you take. With the odd exception. Most people who have lost someone seem to experience the lack of empathy or interaction from people that you thought would be only to glad to show you that they care. I can honestly say in my own case it was a massive eye opener how the other people in my life quietly disappeared into the sunset never to be seen again.
In the beginning you receive all the condolence cards and messages and the sorrowful looks you get in the street. But it very quickly stops. You start wondering to yourself. Just the odd phonecall. Or a knock at the door or a text message and when they don’t come you begin to feel like you have done something wrong. Or you rack your brains thinking " did I say something that upset them, and that’s why they are avoiding me". But the answer is no!!! You didn’t do anything wrong . People simply don’t know how to treat you or how to behave towards you so they just stay away. Then after a short period of time YOUR LOSS, doesn’t affect them so they don’t think about it. It’s a sad fact of life. The people in my life disappeared and it bothered me for a long time. But not anymore. You come to realize that you weren’t that important to these people in the first place. We made new friends and moved on. It feels better than wondering what in the hell happened to people I classed as friends
@Lonely I can understand your feelings. My mother lived till she was a month before her 102nd birthday. She lived some 300 miles away and when I retired I drove to visit her once or twice a month, usually with my wife or one of my 2 children. We always had our holidays near her so we could visit and also see the rest of my family. She died in 2020. My wife and I booked our first holiday together since her passing and were due to leave on 14th July 2022. On that day she tested positive for Covid. She went into hospital in August and died on 28th October. The last holiday we had just together was before the children were born, I think it was in 1982 when we went to Lloret in Spain. I’m not sure we would do things differently as my wife loved family and enjoyed being with mine as much as her own. But I do understand how you feel.
Thanks again Jim for your reaffirming & reassuring words.
Two years on, I know this, but doubted myself - - again!
Im quite content with my own company - but find it hard not being included at times by family especially.
Give me a shake!!
@Lonely Yes my mum became very self obsessed towards the end. She would phone at all hours insisting I came despite the distance. Usually she was just lonely or someone had upset her. Luckily this was only in her final years. Eventually she went into a home when she was 98 because she had difficulty coping in her flat. There they made her use their phone and took away her mobile. My brother lived nearby and took the brunt of all this but he was older and less mobile than me so I felt I had to help out. I fully understand your view as you had your mother nearby and you were constantly at her beck and call. I think I would definitely feel the same as you in that situation.
@Lonely Your story resonates with me in so many ways. My father was a farm labourer and we lived in the country, at first in tied cottages where the house was only there whilst you had the job. Later we moved to private rented houses but it wasn’t till they got a council house did we have all facilities - indoor toilet, bathroom, gas and electric.
Your mention of the tin bath made me smile as we had one large enough for me and my brother as children. I remember sitting in it in our main room in front of an open fire where mum heated the water. Like you I have no idea how they kept it all together but there were 4 children and we all got birthday and Christmas presents, some were clothes. We didn’t have many holidays but lived in a holiday area so had days out.
I guess we knew we were loved but my parents worked hard and long hours so time with us was limited. Also my mum lost her first husband on D-day and I don’t think she ever really got over it and sometimes suffered from depression.
I used to think that helping her at the end was a sort of pay back for the times she looked after us.
I’m so sorry you had such a short time together at the end. I was lucky to have 20 years of retirement with my wife. xx
@Lonely I love the tin bath memories, they really made me smile. As we lived in the country we always had very large gardens. My dad grew all our veg and fruit which mum pickled, salted or dry stored for winter. She also kept chickens for eggs. In the autumn we would collect field mushrooms and have them with fresh eggs for breakfast. We moved to a town when I was 12 and I was shocked we had only a small garden and amazed people bought fruit and veg from shops! Luckily my dad lived into his 90s but mum still outlived him by 16 years.
It’s such a shame that your dad died and left you to cope with your mother and make your own early married life so difficult. At least the worst came for me at a time when it did not affect me so much.
As a small boy, I had a tin bath in the kitchen and an outside toilet. Learnt to do foraging at an early age when we moved from London to Kent. Good times which I look on with fond memories. x
@Johnch Funny old times. Our entertainment was playing outdoors climbing trees, derelict pill boxes, building dens and running around the countryside with friends. No iPhones, video games. But I bet we were happier then than kids nowadays.
Wow reading your posts is so interesting.I think you were a wonderful daughter.
Thinking of you
We used to live in tied cottages my dad was a farm forman had an outside toilet and tin bath by the fire once a week we also had big gardens and dad grew all his own fruit and veg i would go out with him a lot and worked on the land potatoe picking and hoeing the weeds which was backbreaking work those were lovely times my dad died when he was 92 but poor mum was ill a lot and died at 47 she wasnt an easy person as expected me to look after her when i was in my teens.
Going back to my original post “great expectations”,
my daughter in law posted a picture on Facebook of the kids “acknowledging” grandads anniversary their way. Omg, I can’t understand how she thought this was appropriate.
I asked her to remove it but how did she think that was ok?
Such a personal, private day - did Tom dick & harry need to know??? For whose benefit I wonder?
@Grandma This I’d a generational thing. People these days post everything they do whether or not it is interesting to anyone else. I’d just ignore it.
What really irritates is her 400 + “online friends” - who I’ve never met and never had contact with.
It’s a needy generation I think.
@Lonely The way my wife used to check was to phone up and ask how people were getting on or how the birthday etc went and incidentally were the flowers ok? Usually that evoked a thanks and also confirmed flowers delivered. She always rang and thanked senders of presents and instilled this in our children.
@Grandma My great nephews and nieces are like that. Friends they’ll probably never meet. Sometimes these are just avatars and not the real person. Not a substitute for real hugs and conversation face to face for sure.
Hi there G
Firstly to your original post I think I must have also had high expectations of the support I might have received. Neither of Brian’s daughters have been in touch although I have tried many times to make contact but s*d them now I wouldn’t give them house room as the only contact they have made is from a third party on their behalf letting me know that there was something of their fathers they required and to get it ready for collection. I sold it to someone else the next day !!! I honestly thought we would support each other and I had no intention of being needy or a nuisance to them. But have never heard a thing from them or the rest of his family. We all got on well so it came as a shock to find myself considered no longer a member of their family. My own daughter initially was there for me but then she moved to Spain and no longer bothers with me. Why… Because I refuse to use Facebook. I hate it and totally agree with you for being annoyed at finding such a personal anniversary out there for people to see that you don’t even know or knew your husband. It seems to be the norm these days but I find it terrible and an invasion on peoples privacy. I have warned my family to never include me in any of their messages.
Oh Pattidot, I know where you are. My 3 children never talk to me any more the only one is my step-daughter who visits me every week. I’ve written my youngest daughter out of my will because of her totally unacceptable behaviour when my father passed on. I came off Facebook because it depressed me so much. March 10th would have been her 69th Birthday and March31st will be the 3rd anniversary of her leaving me. I am so glad for the support I get from this site and I hope my stuff will help others.