So I lost my father to Prostate and bone cancer four weeks ago. I lost my mother thirty years ago when I was twelve but this feels so much harder in a way. Dad became my mother as well as my father for all those years. Obviously the grief at losing him is heartbreaking but the day he died it was so unexpected. We thought he had at least a few months left. Palliative care was only just being put into action. On the day of his death he just collapsed and myself and my sister had to perform CPR on him. Bear in mind he was 79 and incredibly frail from the ravages of cancer and I hope you can understand what a traumatic effect this has had on us. My mind is completely fixated with those moments and what we had to do with his body as we waited for the paramedic. ( who when he arrived showed absolutely zero care and compassion ). Basically it’s like I am split in two. The devastation at losing my dad who I love more than anything and the trauma at what we had to do and getting those images out of my head. I am living alone in the family house and my mind replays every second of that day all the time I am there but there are circumstances meaning I can’t stay at friends or elsewhere. I don’t even know why I am writing this? Just reaching out I guess. Thanks and sorry if this triggers anyone else’s experience.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. Have you searched for trauma counselling? People on here rate it highly. 
I have been having counselling anyway but doesn’t seem to help if I’m honest.
There’s some technique… eye movements… desensitisation… some proven treatment for PTSD… different to counselling. Hopefully someone who has had it will be able to explain more.
Thank you for going to the trouble of messaging. I appreciate it.
I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you tried your hardest for him. I can imagine that was really traumatic and being in the family home where it happened must be hard.
I understand how you felt about the paramedics, although I felt this way about the undertakers when they collected mum and slammed the doors shut behind them. That sticks in my mind.
I feel that maybe therapy will be beneficial for me at some point, but I get some comfort knowing I am not alone with my feeling. Take care.
I can totally understand how you’re feeling. I woke up and found Mum on the floor in the hallway of our hotel room. I had to watch as hotel staff and then paramedics performed CPR without success and then an investigator from the Medical Examiner’s Office arrived to take photos as evidence. I hate that it’s all I can think of and it’s even worse on Sundays because that’s when she passed away.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. When it happens that way there is so much pain caused by the trauma of what you had to see. I am desperate for answers myself. But please don’t let that consume you. I certainly know it has with me and sometimes there is very little point. Answers don’t always bring peace, even if they are what you wanted to hear. Your brain will then search for more and more and unfortunately it won’t bring our loved ones back.
Thank you. I know it won’t help but I keep thinking if I can just find the right answer, it’ll bring me some tiny semblance of peace. I made the mistake of Googling what happened when I first got the Coroner’s report and that was definitely the wrong thing to do.
I know you said counselling isn’t helping but is there anything that has helped you? I’ve set up a blog where I write letters to Mum.
All the best, Jill