So I am new to this grief of loss, my wife passed on the 2nd Oct 2024, everyone seems to experience grief differently but all suffer the same. I am writing this to keep things clear in my head really. The first week was awful in that it was numb, no real feelings other than loss and whilst my head wanted to do things my emotions were not very helpful on that front so I just sat, cried, raged, I also talked to my wife every morning and every evening, we spent 27 years together and her dying is not going to stop me telling her I love her. The second week was when I had to deal with realities of the death, the reality of letting all the institutions know, getting all the documentation and details sorted, this was a week filled with loss, moments of strength to deal with what I must and horror at what the future will be alone, it still terrifies me, I started trying to sort some of my wife’s belongings and backed away from that immediately as it left me such a sense of self loathing as it felt like I was stealing and destroying everything that made my wife, the wonderful person she was that it wasn’t healthy, I dealt with her paperwork and that was it. This week was marginally better but hell no , nowhere near up to much. This week has had introspection, slight acceptance, periods of loss and crying but still terror at life not alone but without my soulmate. I realised after such a length of time two people with two different out looks and views effectively become one person, there is no dividing line between you, well there wasn’t for us, I realised I hadn’t just lost my best friend, my rock, my soulmate, I had effectively lost half of myself, and at that, the better half, she was so much better than me and lifted me up to be a better person. That half of myself I lost has left a gaping hole in my sense of who I am, I walk around our home feeling like a stranger not knowing why I am there, but with that realisation that I haven’t just lost my wife but lost half of myself I have started to, well I wouldn’t say heal but have enough strength to think once again about dealing with her things, do I want to, no, no I don’t but my head is saying that I need to at least make a start otherwise I never will. I feel that if the situation had been reversed my wife would be dealing with things better than I am, like I said she was my rock and infinitely better at these things than me. I have set myself a target, do one thing a day that moves forward, try to do one thing that would make both I and my wife happy and be kind to myself, allow myself to grieve and cry and accept that whilst I am alone there will always be a part of my wife here in my head and heart because we were one person in two bodies.
Atrum you could have been describing my life perfectly. It is 26 weeks since I lost my beloved partner and I can’t say I feel much differently. (Sorry).
It helps me when I go to bed if I have one thing in my head that I’m going to do the next day ( however mundane) and know what I’m going to eat. Without this there is a temptation to stay in bed all day and end up eating rubbish.
People are kind initially but will drop away inevitably as they have their own lives. I think that’s when the aloneness kicks in.
I decided to take things a day at a time which was not my normal way of working. The world will still be waiting when you are ready. I suppose it’s the hopelessness of it all that is very wearing. And you’ve ended up with a life you didn’t ask for and definitely don’t want.
This is the only place where everyone truly understands so keep posting for support. You will never be on your own on here.
I don’t post as much these days so perhaps that’s a sign we are coping better and I’ve noticed that my initial group of posters are the same, so perhaps it’s a positive sign.
Sending love and strength in these difficult early days x
Nearly 15 weeks for me! All I feel is sadness. I collected his ashes today and cried and howled, like a wounded animal. Take care x
I also collected my wife’s ashes today, ended up crying like yourself as soon as they brought them in the room, I knew what was left of my wife was sat there in that container
My heart shattered. I cannot do this without him and I don’t want too. Ever part of life as I knew it, is no more. I know how you feel and I wouldn’t wish this grief on anyone.
@Atrum your very eloquent post rang so true to how it was in those early days. I don’t think the term ‘my other half’ ever felt so true, as that is exactly what I felt I’d lost.
I have explained to people that I don’t miss having someone special in my life, I miss having MY special husband; him in every aspect of his character, not simply a person to be with.
When I was going away recently I had tears at the thought of leaving him behind, as I looked at the large photo I had framed and put on my bedroom wall. Then I realised that I can’t leave him behind as he is in every part of me, especially my heart. He is in everything I do, even these 2 1/2 years after losing him.
My advice would be not to rush sorting though possessions. Just do the necessary admin and legal bits and pieces and leave any sorting through until you feel ready.
I use the desire to make my husband proud of me to motivate me to look after what he created in our lives. I want to honour him and make a good life since he didn’t have the option of living it with me and the girls. That feeling has carried me through some tough times and tough jobs and I hope it will continue to do so.
Be kind to yourself as well as proud of what you are managing.
Karen xxx
Sending hugs, it’s hard doing this but for some strange reason I have taken comfort from having my wife’s ashes here with me in the house, next week we spread them in the sea by where she grew up, I will keep a small amount and put them in soil and grow a bonsai tree so there is a little bit of her always in our home, if you need to talk, I am listening
I have had a chat with R tonight. I feel slightly better, I will always miiss him On the mountain opposite our house, R’s Dads ashes were spread. R’s will be in the same place. A tree was planted and we had a hand crafted bench put there. Everyone is invited to sit and take in the view. I am no quite ready to let him go yet. You take care x
I lost my husband on 5 Oct. I also am finding things harder this week. Wonder how long it will be before I can go a whole day without crying. Why do people ask how you are. I am steeling myself to be strong but as soon as they ask I crumble. Day starts out with strength but by lunch time I’m flagging and by tea time I want to crawl into bed and hide. I got much more done the first two weeks but now grinding to a halt. Can’t see any light in this tunnel. Someone else’s comment on here explained how I feel. I miss him, but more than that I miss us.
It is a rollercoaster ride. So up and down. In the beginning people ask how you are. Then I have found they say nothing. Even my adult children change the subject. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I am nearly 15 weeks and I cry more.
When my husband’s ashes were delivered I was so emotional 
I couldn’t believe it was him but I felt comforted having him back with me, I put my favourite photograph of him on top and had two candles either side of him and spoke to him all day and night 
I so identify with all these comments … It is 16 weeks today for me. I have his ashes here at home with me - he wants me to join him when it is my time. It is oddly comforting … but it doesn’t take away the pain that my future (I am 65, my husband was 67), our future, has effectively been stolen. We had very little time to come to terms with what we were facing - cancer is a very cruel disease - and I don’t think I did. My husband was almost serene at the end. I am just a wet, snotty mess who misses him more each day.
Hugs to everyone. I wish were were not in this same boat.
I lost my husband on the 3rd October and my brother a month earlier… Everything you have written here is exactly what I am going through. I put a post here a couple of days ago and several people came up with, what for me, was helpful. List 5 things to do each day, menial things like washing up, hoovering, going for a walk, etc, 5 things a day, 35 things in a week to focus on. Change a small thing in the home, for instance, buy new bedding so the bedroom is slightly different, move the chair your wife always sat in so that you don’t have that pain when you look and she’s not there. I plan to do the small changes but I’m not ready yet. I have no intention of moving his clothes from the wardrobe or drawers, because I feel I’m betraying him in a way. One lady told me that after 17 months without her husband the pain is not as bad as the pain we are going through now. It’s like the pain is familiar, more gentle and not all consuming. Her brain is learning to cope with the loss. Keep your wife in your head and heart because that’s where she belongs.
I really hope this helps
Katy, that is my Rule of 5s. I live by it when under stress and overwhelmed. It works.
Yes, small changes help. I took the leaves (leafs ?) out of my dining table. It now seats 4 rather than 8. Four empty chairs isn’t as lonely looking as 8. Threw some pillows and a throw over where my husband always sat. His form is permanently there and I can’t see that. Changed the big coffee pot for a small one. Put his toiletries in the cabinet under his sink and his box of medicine which stayed on the kitchen counter was shoved into a drawer, couldn’t look at it anymore. My darling was on so much medicine and it made him feel awful all the time and seeing it all left behind made me so sad. I really thought he would beat this.
Gotta order flowers to be delivered to my aunt for her 97th birthday. I wish I had the mental capability to take her out for lunch, but I don’t and I feel so awful about it. I had planned to have a big family get together at a local restaurant, but then. . .
Much love.
I haven’t collected Peters ashes yet but I’ve already had the same feelings as you. Im lost, I sort of cope knowing that evey day I wake up is a day nearer to being with him again. Others in the group have helped with saying how they cope. So I take a look at these posts as often as I need support. You’re not alone in how you feel, hope this helps a little my love
I can’t shake off this fear of the future without him. I am on a real downer. I cannot pick myself up. I am hoping it improves. We all seem to follow this pattern. You take care. I put off picking Richard’s ashes. I wish I had done it sooner. Big hug x
Find myself struggling tonight. Just looking for something in the cupboard and saw his favourite foods on the shelf, broke my heart. The enormity of losing him hit me and i cant seem stop crying
I don’t feel the same person anymore. This sadness stops me from concentrating. If I occupy myself with ridiculous chores and sorting, I do feel better, but only because I am getting through the day quicker. I then feel exhausted and sad in the evenings. There seems no end to this misery.
I was mid cry whwn my best friend came round and dragged me out, i needed to get out of the house and my head, the weekends alone are a killer
I know exactly what you mean!! I have to put the television/radio on every morning because I can’t stand the silence. As long as Peter was there, even if we didnt talk, it wasn’t as quiet as it is now and the evenings are so much harder. Everything seems to be pointless without him. But, we’re not on our own, lets take it a day at a time. Hang in there love x