I was watching the BBC the other day where a man talked about how he was suffering from grief depression. He explained it as someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety brought about by the loss of a loved one. He talked about changes in behaviour and thought processes. Things that wouldn’t bother you in the past would now bother you and vice versa. He said it’s part of the trauma of bereavement. His words resonates with me. Since my beloved husband Rohan passed away, I find myself crying whenever someone is on the TV and they too have lost someone. I know longer eat bacon and sausages, I clean the house constantly.
Has anyone else experienced changes in their behaviour? Thanks for reading this.
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Yeah my behaviour has changed so much. I find myself taking on the roles my mum did because I feel like she would appreciate it. So every morning I get up, pop the kettle on, make my dad a cup of tea and do his breakfast and then proceed to clean the house… do the washing up, wash clothes, dry them, do the tea etc. I just feel like my mum would appreciate that I guess because our home was her pride and joy and she would want me to look after my Dad.
I find myself in floods of tears sometimes even from just something small like an advert of a child with her mum. I find myself being jealous of people with their mums still too! I’ve never been a jealous person. Grief depression is definitely something that resonates with me and the minute too so you are definitely not alone!
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yes this makes sense to me. Its been almost 6 weeks for me and for the last couple of weeks I realised I have no personality of my own now and I don’t know what I like myself if anything. its like I died too.
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Hi @NikiAE, Yes I agree that the depression you feel from grief is completely different from normal depression. I do things now which I would never have done and like @Tillwemeetagain my patience and tolerance levels are so low. People annoy me when i should have more patience and even my daughters dog annoys me and I get so upset when I shout at him and he looks at me as if to say sorry, when he has done nothing wrong. I used to be so easy oasy, nothing phased me and I wonder if I will get that back…I hope so or I will be a cranky old woman 
6 months ago I lost my husband of 42 years. I don’t know what I want any more. If something small goes wrong I am so very anxious and can’t seem to problem solve. Friends and family are fed up of me now. I can tell and not phoning as much or offering help. Will I ever accept this loss and move on?
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@1978 I don’t know if we can accept and move on, my gut says I don’t think so and I can’t imagine what moving on could look like, the thought sickens me. I hear from others that we can learn to live with it by overcoming so many situations without our loved one that we adapt so we learn strategies to deal with those things. It sounds only like existence to me and I don’t know if that is worth this hard fight now.
It’s only 7 weeks for me so I don’t know but even speaking through a diazepam calm I cant imagine any kind of future or life personally. Then again in the days that followed my husband’s death I was surprised I lived and would never have thought I’d be here still breathing in 7 wks.
Time used to pass so fast and I always needed more of it when I had him. Now I am just waiting, getting hour to hour but I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.
Wishing you some peace.
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Hi FleurDeLis, I am sorry for your loss too. Thank for coming back to me on what has been a difficult week of challenges. We had set roles in our marriage and I have learned a lot but still get panicky about aspects of it.
I just needed to offload last night and your reply has helped. They would not want us to be unhappy but life is very hard for us. It is just hard finding a way through it.
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Hi @1978, I am sorry for your loss but 6mths is nothing, you are only in the very early stages of your grief and if friends and family think you will be “over it” in 6mths then they are very naive. I am 10mths and still cry most days. On top of our grief we have had to deal with Covid as well which has stopped us getting the hugs and comfort from family and friends and also stopped us doing things which may have helped as be kind to ourselves.
Do not beat yourself up because you are anxious and upset as you have every right to be. You have lost your partner of 42yrs and lost your future as you thought it would be.please be kind to yourself in whatever way you feel. Sending massive hugs
Shona x
Thank you Shona, Covid certainly hasn’t helped. I am sorry for your loss too. I suppose you are a little bit ahead of me so if you still have your moments I must be doing okay.
Some days are very long and even lonely. Just me and his cat!! I spent the first months clearing a lot of the garage and loft out (once I had plucked up the courage to go in the loft) and shredding paperwork he had collected so kept very busy. It helped a lot dispite the memories. Now I don’t want to do any more, been knitting, reading and walking. I don’t feel to have a future now.
My husband always said you must carry on if he went first, I honestly thought I would at the time but it has been a lot harder than I thought. Losing my 91 year old mum a couple of years ago hasnt helped either. And I was so lucky to have her so long.
I feel better for just typing it out. My mood has lifted a bit having you understand. Thank you. X
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I literally can relate to ever single comment on here. What do we do about it. Do you think I need to seek help. I literally don’t know anything. I was a leader. I knew what I wanted part of me was being able to solve issues and things. I can’t think straight. I cry so very randomly. I don’t know how to make it better because there’s just to many things going on in my head I can’t focus in fixing one thing. I don’t know who to
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I don’t think there is much we can do. Some advice off here I found useful is write a list of your worries and on those days where you have an hour where you feel you can, try and do one of the tasks towards removing one of those worries. The rest of the time if you need to sit/lie down and cry or write on here or do something useless then just do that, just keep breathing.
After a bad day yesterday and this morning where I had totally lost hope once more, I had a few hours this afternoon where I could do some useful stuff again so I did some cleaning and washing that normally should have been done weeks ago.
A large percentage of the time I feel totally hopeless because the thing I can’t get my head around is that even if I keep myself from going totally insane, keep the cats alive, keep myself alive, keep the house somewhat habitable then still he won’t ever come and see it will he so who really cares.
Why I bother I don’t know and if I think about the further future (Christmas, starting back at work, where shall I live, can I sell my house, Do i want to, will living with my parents negate my entire last part of my life, what is the point of hobbies, aren’t I just killing time slowly towards my own inevitable death and I won’t see him then either as I don’t believe…) then I can’t breathe so I try not to think about that stuff but that seems to mean I just keep having every day the same but on some days there was some small thing ticked off the list and again once the list is done, who cares? What was the point. Nevertheless the list keeps me somewhat going on the days when I have an ounce of fight left in me.
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That’s exactly it! I feel exactly the same. I feel like I needed to sort thing about though. Other wise I’m scared I’m gonna loose myself and who I am. I already don’t feel like myself anymore.
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We all have to keep going somehow. I can’t believe my husband will never come back and if I think about it, I think I can’t go on without him. I know I have to and I have to tell myself I can do this and I can go on whether I want to or not.
When I wake up it feels so bad, then I try and give myself 3 or 4 things to do. Clean, wash, go for a walk and speak to a couple of people on the phone. I have started voluntary work at the Foodbank one morning a week and whilst I am there I dont think about myself and my problems. So for me it is keeping busy so I can’t think about myself.
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Yeah it’s being at work for me. But I work with children and it’s not fair that in sad Infront of them so I have to act happy it’s so exhausting. But I forget things if something is wrong and IV not been thinking straight not good for communication at work…
I know exactly what you mean, behind a painted smile. Maybe that will improve very slowly for us.
Meanwhile we have to get through Christmas and New Year and we have to consider what is best for us. I am thinking I need to be in bed before midnight on New Years Eve to avoid floods of tears at midnight. I haven’t thought about Christmas yet but let’s all do what is best for us. X
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Oh gosh, I thought it was just me that felt unable to cope and viewed the world differently since losing my darling husband 5 months ago.
I cannot think straight, cry all the time - even when I am in the supermarket/walking the dog/driving the car. I don’t want to talk to people, answer the door or answer the telephone. I don’t listen to the radio/television. I just want to be able to think and not be distracted. I am so scared that I will forget our 39 years of marriage.
I dread Christmas and especially Christmas Eve, as this is when we became engaged. It was such a wonderful surprise to find an engagement ring hidden in a box of Elizabeth Shaw mints.
Reading your messages helps me understand that I am not the only one with these feelings of feeling and being lost without our loved ones here.
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Its strange to read so many messages that describe exactly how I feel, whats the point anymore and feeling like a different person!! I lost my beautiful 25 year old son 3 weeks ago and his funeral is tomorrow, ive spent hours looking up ways to commit suicide but I have another son and dont want him to feel the pain I feel, I really don’t know how to go on, I cant believe I will ever be able to smile or find any enjoyment in life again, I feel so lost
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Hi Rubytuesday,
I understand your pain, I just wanted to tell you that I felt exactly the same, and it is very early days yet for both of us. I dreaded my darling husband’s burial, (he didn’t want a funeral, and was cremated by the undertaker and his ashes were brought to the burial later). The burial itself was beautiful and I felt very calm, which I didn’t expect. Yes, I felt the end of my world had come, but I stuck it out for the sake of my family. You have another son. Think how he would feel if he lost his Mum too. Sometimes, as mothers, we have to give up our own happiness for the sake of someone we love. That said, I am sure it will get easier in time, but loving your son for so long can’t be forgotten in a short time and that is what we do for our family.
I will think of you tomorrow, and I am sure you will find the funeral a strange comfort.
I send you a virtual hug. X
Hi everyone-I have totally lost myself since my husband died .I use to be so organized but now cant seem to sort anything out .I start things and don’t finish them and nothing seems to matter now. I must add that this last couple of weeks I have felt myself getting worse and I guess its the build up to Christmas which make you feel the loss more. I feel angry at the world and Im struggling to see any future at the moment. My husband was my best friend and I feel so alone now and so relate to what you’ve all written. I just don’t know the answers anymore —
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Thank you for your kind words x