Just wondering if others might experience the worsening of grief. I’m finding myself breaking down more often into tears and extreme sadness every day at the three month period of losing my spouse. It seems like I just start crying much more easily just thinking of her, and that she’s gone. Maybe this is more of the reality sinking in at this point? I know it’s different for everyone, I guess I’m just wanting to hear something similar from others out there.
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Hi @Rob7
I’m 7+ months in and I also found I had a huge dip at around 2-3 months.
I think it was just the shock starting to wear off. I felt really bad for quite a while and then at around 6 months I felt it get just slightly easier to cope with.
Sadly I’ve dropped back down again at 7 months and feel like I’m right back at the start. Likely triggered by my wedding anniversary and several other notable dates around the same time.
It really is individual but I think the pattern of coping better than feeling worse is common. A real rollercoaster of emotions.
We just have to feel the pain and try our best to make it through each day.
I hope it gets easier for you soon.
Remember you are not alone and there is lots of support here for you xx
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Thanks so much for your reply, and input. Yes, I think you’re right in saying that the shock wears off maybe around the third month, and reality along with depression sets in. Never thought this would be this tough, but I guess we’re all riding this roller coaster until it hopefully begins to feel like a children’s ride. Thanks again, and hope you also feel stronger along this path.
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It is 16 weeks since Richard passed. The first few weeks I was numb and on autopilot. Sorting, cleaning, finding jobs to do. Then exhaustion. Then fear of the unknown. Then up and down. The last few weeks I cry at the slightest thing. I have cried and howled like a wounded animal. This grief is unbearable. Nothing feels right. Sending you a hug, I know how you feel
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Thanks for your heartfelt message, I completely feel exactly the same way. Unbearable emptyness and pain. Lets try and stay strong together, and hope that with each day we see a happier future for our new lives. This must get better, at least that’s what I hear and keep telling myself.
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Hi @roni52 Like you I am also at the 7+ month since losing my wife and although our journeys through this awful time are individual and personal, it does follow broadly a pattern, I felt I was beginning to cope better and then felt I was going downhill again, I feel that it is because we are beginning to accept our loss and that is really hard to admit, its an admission to ourselves that this actually is where we are and the denial is not going to change anything and this sends us spiralling down again causing another deluge of heartache and sadness but for me there has also been a positive and that there are times I can now think about and be in the presence of my wife quite a calmly and peacefully, without the overwhelming sadness taking over, not always but sometimes! I am grateful for this.
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Thankyou @swift
It’s just so changeable isn’t it. I swing up and down like a yo-yo most days but the last few have been just so unbearable and the physical pain that I thought had subsided is back.
I just want to be left on my own to grieve but have my daughter at home with me and know that isolating is not good for me.
But I find I have no tolerance for anyone else - it doesn’t seem to matter what friends say or do - everything upsets me.
I know they are trying, but they also have their lives to live and I feel like such a burden on them.
And it feels like a betrayal if I just pretend that everything is okay.
My family and my husbands family are either completely absent or only want me to be fixed, so I feel very lonely and miss my husband so much.
Sorry to go on - just having a bad patch and i find it helpful and reassuring that folks on here understand.
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Hi Rob
I am in the exact same boat as you. I lost my beautiful wife 3 months tomorrow. I thought i was doing ok and dealing with it as best as i can but then last week, WHAM!!
I started to cry and didn’t stop for four days. It was uncontrollable. This is why i have joined here to try and make some sense out of it. I feel your pain my friend.
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Hi @roni52 Please don’t apologise, I never was one to socialise and I don’t want to now, I am lucky that our home is in a very rural area, neighbours are sufficiently far enough away I don’t have to communicate over the fence. At first my reluctance to speak to people or even go to the town shopping did concern me but a good friend of mine who has been through this awful journey not only with his wife but his 2 children as well told me that there is nothing wrong with being a hermit as long as you are a happy hermit so now I do as I please rather than what is “good” for me and I am happy doing that - rightly or wrongly!
I do have the selected few that will call round and I do enjoy their company so am not a total recluse but being like this I don’t feel a burden to anyone.
I find that I can work through my understanding of what is happening, my understanding of what life is and means, I do have spiritual beliefs although not based on Christian beliefs and I am able to be comforted by this and have no need, guilt or embarrassment in explaining this to others. Although it is an alone journey, I don’t feel lonely but like you, even with my spiritual take on things, I really really miss my wife and I think this is the hardest part to deal with, some days I do feel she is with me, i do talk to her and feel her presence, however, there are times when the feeling is less strong and this confuses and saddens me.
My turn to ramble, we all have to get things off our chest and the forum is a good, non judgemental place to do this.
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Hi @Roo60
I am so sorry you have had to join us, you are at such an early point in this journey, you will be all over the place, unable to get to grips or begin to cope with this, it is often described as an overwhelming roller coaster ride and that is exactly what it is. I am 4 months ahead of you and all I can offer is my experience much of which is repeated here so many times.
Don’t try and look, plan ahead or make major decisions that you may regret, don’t be pressurised into doing things you are not comfortable with, it is literally one hour, one day or sometimes even one minute at a time, the future may look frightening, we don’t know what the future holds and I found that dwelling on it or anything else for that matter does not help, you just torture yourself, ruminating as I think of it does not help or change things.
Hard as it is, looking after yourself is essential, eating and sleeping when you can is a must, I was recovering from a broken leg when I lost my wife and I had exercises to do in the morning which I still do, it is now part of that routine, keeping occupied is important or you can find yourself sitting in front of some rubbish on the telly letting your mind runaway.
As much as you may not believe it, things do change, you will start to make space for coping, you will go backwards but slowly the move forward (not moving “on”) is greater than going back.
As in my earlier post here, I still have times of flowing tears and emotions but I also get a glimmer of being more calm and at peace and this means I can think about my wife, talk to her, contemplate, without dissolving into tears and that is a real comfort.
Post on the forum as and when you need to, people on here know what you are going through,they understand and it will help, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, do whatever you feel is right for you.
Take care.
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@swift
Thank you for your kind words. Sorry that you have also experienced what i am going through. Lets hope that time really does heal.
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I lost my Husband June 12th.Totally agree, im finding this week that its getting harder. Im very emotional and feel alone & isolated as im 60 and none of my friend’s have lost their other half. I do have people who care but theres days when i have no inclination to do anything.Despite me knowing i have ‘jobs’ to be getting on with.I want to know ill enjoy life again/feel joy again but i currently feel nothing but sadness & as if im merely going through the motions each day.I don’t want to feel like that.Im finding the Christmas adverts hard to see & am hell bent on avoiding everything to do with Christmas as itll be my first without him in 34 years.Im very much "why me,why us,why cancer " at the moment.Hugs to you all.
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It’s amazing how much I can (as others as well) relate to each other, and feel for each other. It really shows just how much we loved our spouses. My wife died suddenly from an aneurism due to having to take a blood thinner. I don’t think any way we lost our spouses makes a difference as the end result is what we’re all feeling. On a different note, one thing that’s really been hitting me is a strong feeling of guilt. I feel so sad when I think about all the times we fought (which I know is normal in a relationship), or just upset her or spoke to her in a bad way. I feel horrible for all those times in our 37 years that I upset her. Anyone else feeling this guilt? How are you dealing with that? Sometimes I feel It was me that deserves to be in her place. I hate myself for the ways I upset her sometimes, even if it was a normal way that husbands and wives bicker or have bad fights. Aside from those times, we loved each other more than words can say.
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Hi @Rob7
I bet you made her smile way more than you upset her. Try and remember those times.
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Dips are normal. It was my sister who died but in the first year I had troughs where I cried more than at her funeral. Hang in there. Much love
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Lots of ups and downs for us all - mixed in with lack of motivation and too many triggers for past good ( and not so good ) memories.
I’m sad I’m not going to our towns fireworks display and can hear it as I’m typing.
We went every year since the kids were toddlers but I’ve sent my 16 year old out with her friends to watch it as she needs to have something fun in her life.
Am sad that a close friend was going to go but didn’t think to invite me along.
At 53 most of my friends still have their husbands and just don’t seem to think of all the things I miss out on being on my own now.
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I guess that’s a good way to look at it. Thank you, that makes me feel better about it.
Take care….
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@Rob7 yes, I have thoughts that run through my head that i could have been kinder,not argued,taken onboard how he felt more,put Husband first rather than the children more, not done my voluntary work and spent more time instead with him.I feel guilty that im not supporting the children well enough, not keeping the house as tidy as when he was here etc.
But each time I do that, I hear his voice saying “Dont you dare,youre doing amazingly- youre a great Mum and a great wife & you know I love(loved) you totally”. I think youll find your loved one would say the same.Regrets are inevitable
but unnecessary because you loved & were loved despite not being perfect.
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Thank you for your message, I think that’s a good way to think about it for sure. I guess it’s just natural to feel guilty about what we’ve done in the past when we tie it together with the fact that they didn’t deserve to die so early in age.
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That resonates so much with me @Jane64
I don’t have many regrets but I wish we had had more time just the 2 of us. Never thought he would pass at 56 with kids still
at home.
Feel like I could be doing better but then his death has completely floored me and I know it will take a long time to rebuild myself. And I am sure he is encouraging me from wherever he is and telling me not to be so hard on myself.
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