Hi all.
My wife died on Monday 25th November, just 5 days ago. I am new to this. I feel utterly lost. I am utterly lost, I no longer know what I am for.
We had 13 years to prepare for this. She had a low grade glioma that was always going to ‘shorten her life’, but when it came for her (her words) it came suddenly and ferociously.
I am therefore only at the beginning of the real work of grief. I have had 13 years to contemplate life without her, but nothing has prepared me for the reality.
I have tried to reach out to others in this situation but keep getting to subscription dating sites! Thank God for Sue Ryder.
I can offer no words of comfort. I am only just walking this road. I feel like a leper. Observed, even by my friends, or at least some of them, as that poor broken soul, someone to be given platitudes & then gently avoided. Don’t get me wrong, some have been marvellous as we all negotiate life without her.
It’s going to be a year of firsts isn’t it? Our twins were 18 on last Thursday. Their first birthday without their mother. Christmas is coming, the first without their mother. It’s my birthday on Monday - not that I celebrate my birthday.
So it seems to me that this next 12 months is going to be full of firsts, full of opportunity for life to show us just how utterly alone we are in a world without the one who made us whole, who made me at least, be my best possible self (however inadequate he was!).
The house is in danger of becoming a mausoleum. Her presence more intrusive than it ever was in life - “don’t do that, she wouldn’t like that!” “Don’t move that, it’s hers”.
The truth is though I don’t want to do that, or have that done, because it all seems so utterly pointless. Why bother? What I did, for the most part, I did for her.
She was a fair bit younger than me & we were never really going to retire together, so I have done things without her. But I did so knowing that she was there, physically there. Contactable. But now, now she is not there, is not contactable. And doing ‘stuff’ seems obscene. Eating feels obscene. Watching TV seems obscene. Seeing our friends seems obscene.
Even grief feels obscene. Poor, poor me! And yet I did not have every last bit of me stripped away from me, I was not comatose from the morphine.
I am angry at God. I’m an agnostic in any Christian sense. If there is a God, I’m just not sure he’s a good guy.
I am sorry to hear you are still so in pain.
My brother’s wife died 5 years ago. The hole she left remains, but he has found a way to live again, even to love again.
May we all be so lucky.
@arjo
First thing - you have come to the right place.
Second thing, there are no words at this moment that will help you. You are right at the beginning and it is as raw as hell. Despite you and your lovely wife knowing for so many years, it hits you like a sledgehammer when the time comes.
Of course the year of firts will happen, but the firsts will probably happen for a long time after that as well. Little ‘firsts’, ‘firsts’ that only you are aware of. It’s all part and parcel of this crap process we all go through.
I have always been a pragmatist, so on this occasion, I decided the best approach (for me) was to just ‘roll with it’, (rather than try to hide it, or have a stiff upper lip and ‘I must get on’ attitude) and by that I mean if I feel shit, I feel shit, if I start howling/sobbing uncontrollably, then I will, if I just sit and stare and do nothing, then I will. 8 Oct was the day my husband took his life, at aged 56, just 2 weeks before we were to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, and his 57th b/day this week. But now, I am not crying as much (I still am), and a couple of days have been ‘manageable’ (in the loosest sense of the word!), much more than the first 4/5 weeks were. Don’t try to fight it.
There is no wrong or right way. I suppose the only piece of advice I may offer, is don’t rush, and don’t think whatever you do is ‘wrong’. It isn’t. You will be just fine. Not now, but you will be.
Very best wishes.
Thank you.
It does all feel a tad self indulgent when I cry. Her parents, who are still alive, have already buried two daughters. It must be worse for them.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I am truly amazed that you have the strength to go through another day.
I gave Sarah promises about being there for the children, I gave the children those same promises. At the moment I wish I had not, but there it is.
The benefit of the 13 years is that I have a vague blueprint for life without her. Now though, it seems insubstantial and distant. Horribly distant & I’m not sure I want to do the hard miles it will take to get there.
I woke up screaming in the night because I couldn’t help her.
I know this is all horribly self indulgent. My brother went through it & has come out the other side.
My brother is also one of my best friends, but I had no idea what he was going through, not really, even though I was ‘his person’ through it all.
It’s a shit state of affairs.
Thank you again for your reply. I think I have come to the right place.
The real crap thing for us, was the J was diagnosed with a large meningioma last year, and it was successfully removed, so we had hope earlier this year for perhaps a better future. It wasn’t to be. I suppose in a way, my circumstances are different, in that despite being obviously shocked, and in turmoil, if the truth be know, I guess I wasn’t surprised. Anyway, enough of me.
Of course you wish you hadn’t given those promises, but I bet that’s just a fleeting thought, odds are, that will quickly change.
It’s true though isn’t it, that unless one experiences the loss of a spouse/partner, then one really cannot truly understand, but look at your brother now, he has learnt to live with grief as part of him, which we probably will all do, in time.
Nope, no self indulgent. You are experiencing grief in its rawest (spelling?) form. And this is where my ‘roll with it’ would come in, as I just accepted there was sod all I can do about it, so just let it be. And yep, it really is a shit state of affairs, no arguing that point!
It’s okay to not be okay, and to feel your world has collapsed, which it has, but it will eventually be rebuilt. It will take time, but that’s in the future, just deal with the ‘now’.
Thank you onlyme2.
For a retired Barrister I find myself in the odd position of having no words.
AJ
By the way, Sarah too had a meningioma. That wasn’t what killed her though. That was the astrocytoma.
I wasn’t shocked by the outcome, it was the rapidity of her decline and it’s brutality.
Two years ago they told us that chemo & radiotherapy would give her another 20 years. Within 18 months it was back with a vengeance. In October they said 6 months, then three, then she was gone in 5 weeks.
During those 5 weeks she just disappeared, cognitively then physically.
AJ
@arjo They are just utterly brutal. That’s what is awful in J’s case, the outcome was excellent for the meningioma, and I feel terrible on here as others wanted to live, but J chose, despite getting through 13+ hrs of brain surgery successfully, to end his life. It’s cruel and just bloody dreadful, and really sorry it was the worse possible outcome for you and Sarah.
Again, no words. Shit.
I am lost for words.
You have come to the right place. If it wasn’t for this forum, I would be seriously worried about my sanity. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care and hugs sent.
Thanks Mbg.
It’s all a bit overwhelming.
I’m glad I found this forum though.
AJ
I lost my husband on 23 September and I can’t stop crying. Mornings are particularly difficult. I understand totally how you feel. Try to look after yourself
Kate
Hi Kate,
Thank you for making contact.
It’s helpful though appalling how many of us there are!
I’m an insomniac at the best of times, so if you need to talk…
Can I be insensitive enough to ask how?
Sarah had an astrocytoma, diagnosed 13 years ago. It was truly brutal.
A
Yes, I have guilt, too. We loved each other a lot, but still had arguments, bickered, etc. Grieving does a head trip on you. It’s just rough.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 10 weeks ago and I feel exactly the same. The grief seems harder every day I break down and cry a lot more. Life seems so empty I don’t really know what to with myself. As you say maybe it’s the realisation and trying to accept that this is how things are now. It’s very hard.
Hi Hàlly, its about the same time since I lost my husband. The sense of loss is immense and the feeling of pure panic when I realise he’s gone is terrible. Life, if that’s what it is now, is pointless. Its awful, but I feel so angry when I see couples together, and even when I’m with family and friends I feel so alone, like I’m not really part of what’s going on. Every night I ask him to come and get me but every morning I’m still here. I hope that things get easier for all of us very soon. Meanwhile I’m sending hugs to everyone 
I have sent you a private message
10 weeks seems like such a marathon now. This is day 5 & I’m already exhausted. It’s the sheet effort of not crying.
Sometimes, because, I suspect, it’s all so new, I’m ok. I forget. Then I see someone, something of hers, our house, her cat - and it all turns to shit again.
Oddly this helps. Knowing that I can ‘own’ my grief without being the embarrassing old man who just (carelessly?) lost his younger, better looking, cleverer wife, is quite freeing.
I am not the marathon type. 