Thank you Gillymary for your kind message, I really hope the feeling of sadness will lessen.
I find I get some days when I’m a little better but then it will just hit me and I’ll get very upset, the tears are always just under the surface.
You are right, I think crying does help.
Hugs back to you.
Muldool
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That must be so hard for you losing him so suddenly. It is not easy for any of us but sudden death must be the worst. I had 4 months to prepare after a cancer diagnosis but I still did not expect it to happen so quickly. He was just 63.
Have you had any counselling? I was lucky in that because Glen died in the local Hospice they offered me counselling and I had it weekly on the phone for over 6 months and then fortnightly and monthly. We have only just stopped a year on.
It helped me a lot. It was great to talk to someone who I could be completely honest to. With others I hide it.
Yes I am a different person. I hope I will come out of this a better person. More compassionate, and forward looking. It is hard to look to the future without our soulmates but the present is pretty bleak so sometimes I try and think of things I can and would like to do.
You sound as though you have moved to a new area and therefore may not have many local friends or contacts. That must be hard.
I have tried to find others near me who are also widowed and have made contact with someone on this site and we meet up and it helps to talk about our experiences. I also have some other widowed friends.
It sounds as though you are getting on with your house renovations. Well done for that.
I hope in time you will find things easier. It is a very difficult road we all travel.
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Muldool, I am so so sorry for your loss I lost my 22-year-old son in October of 2021. I am starting to have a some good days, but when the bad days hit they are awful. I also have anxiety about going out and socializing with people it feels so scary. I do go to work everyday and that actually is a great distraction. I have been trying to do little things I did go out for dinner with my boyfriend the other night and I went to a outside gathering just to see how I would react. I only stayed for about 10 minutes but I did it. It will take time to do these things just one baby step at a time. Some days a wave of grief will hit me and I miss my Theo so much and that wave of grief and crying can last for a couple days. There are so many ups and downs in grief. If and when I do accept the invitation to go out I feel that people even friends expect me to be the old me and not to be sad. I think that’s why sometimes I turn down invitations because I don’t want to put on a false facade. Will it get better yes it will. Even when you’re thinking about going out and doing something that’s a start. 3 months ago I wouldn’t have thought about going to an outside event even if it was for just 10 minutes. Sometimes we forget those baby steps that we have accomplished. Sometimes I have to tell myself hey look at you you did it. So yes I definitely felt the way you feel and I am still working on it. You will do everything in your own time and no one else’s. Anytime you would like to talk I am here 
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I feel almost the same as you.
I hate the mornings and am scared of getting out of bed knowing that my my wife of 24 years is not beside me.
The feeling of anxiety has been with me ever since the consultant told me she had DAYS to live.
When she died, most of me did as well, leaving a shell.
This life is an existence and the party animal has turned into a morose recluse.
My wife gave my life meaning and I am sure you feel the same way.
10 months later the crushing grief has not loosened its grip one my mind.
In memory of your loved one, you have to struggle on.
They would not want you to crack up.
Grief is just an expression of Love x
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I am so sorry for your loss Ed it is terrible spending so many years with the one you love and then they are gone it is so hard to move on and Yes I do feel the same way I used to be really outgoing, but that has changed and I hope someday I will be able to do the things I used to do. Like I was saying to muldool I go to work everyday, and that seems to be my comfort zone right now. I do get have waves of grief at work but they are not as powerful as they were 3 months ago. Since I have been on this site it has helped me a lot knowing that other people are out there and understand what you are going through with no judgment. We will get through this all of us together.
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Hi Muldool.
I lost my Jo to cancer 9 months ago. I know exactly what you mean about panic. A lot of the time I feel lonely but then when I’m invited to something social I worry about going and usually refuse preferring to stay by myself. Also I struggle with arranging and making appointments for things. I need to have my eyes tested, the car needs an mot and service, I have to open a new bank account and the car insurance is due and I need to arrange that. All relatively straight forward you’d think. I just seem incapable of doing these things. It’s almost as if once I’ve made the appointment I’ll have to go. I have recently managed to make the appointment for my eyes but if I’m asked anything I get flustered. I never used to be like this.
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Perhaps most important of all now she’s gone I’ve got to make a new will. I can’t find the confidence to go in the solititors and make an appointment. It’s 4.30am and I’m awake worrying about all this stuff.
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@Solost yes, the mind and the body are so linked - and I think knowing some basics does give you the tools to help control or at least cope with physical symptoms. I guess the issue is never being able to recover mentally, and like many others I know I will ever get over the devastation of losing my Sharon and being without her, but maybe breaking the link between the brain and the body is the answer - but not easy…
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@Muldool I totally get that feeling of security when you meet your soulmate “the hobby scared met the the quiet scared, and together they formed a single soul” I wrote in a poem for Sharon and read at her funeral. But that makes the losing so bad…
Yes, do try the book - the mind and the body are so linked so knowing some basics can help the understanding and break the involuntary links.
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@peterj I totally get that it’s so hard to do the basics. I’ve got a list of Sharon’s banks etc to contact - 2 months on I still don’t know how to start. I get the “making an appointment” thing - what I do is make a commitment, appointment etc without thinking too much, then when the time comes I’m stuck and have to go… Otherwise I’d just faff all say and never leave the house.
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“gobby scared” not “hobby scared”
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You describe everything I am feeling for the last 9 months. The pain of grieving is physical as much as emotional. I wonder if it will ever stop. I hope and pray that in time it will ease a bit. All my best wishes to you. Patricia
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Before reading every message in this thread I was having a conversation in my head trying to make sense of how I feel. Yesterday would have been our 51st Wedding Anniversary, but I lost my husband 12 weeks ago. I genuinely feel as though part of me is missing. It was kind of comforting to read that so many of you now feel like a different person since losing your loved ones. I am so sorry that you are all going through this painful situation with me. I try to just accept whatever emotion I feel at the time and be kind to myself. Sometimes I am sobbing real snotty heartrending tears. I tell myself crying is a natural healing, better out than in, a normal reaction to grief. Often I am just numb, getting through the day on automatic, Occasionally I am happy, enjoying the company of family and think to myself, “Good, hubby would be pleased for me.!” Like many of you, home is my safe haven. I find that if I go out, even if I’m relaxed and having a nice time, I suddenly want to be safely at home, even though it is just a house with only me in it. I am grateful that it is summer and I can potter in my garden. I dread the winter with cold weather and short dark
days.
Do try to be kind to yourselves, allow time to grieve in your own way.
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Hi Muldool
So sad to hear how you’re grieving the loss of your partner, your rock. I lost my husband 5 years ago and came in to this site feeling exactly as you do now. Panicky. Anxious. Fearful of the future. So many people posted the same feelings as I experienced. It was so comforting to be able to see it through other people’s eyes too. I’m now in a much better place. No more panics or fear. It took years but eventually I realised that each day was slightly easier than the previous one. I don’t post so much now but your post struck a chord and reminded me of the comfort other people’s posts gave me. Be kind to yourself. Accept you are not yourself for the time being. If you need to stay home then do so. No pressure. Sending you my kindest thoughts. Susan
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Hi
It’s so good to read your post and know that there is an end to this feeling of anxiety. I know it’s been a while for you and it’s a long process but it’s good to read a positive post.This forum is a great help knowing that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I’m pleased you got so much help from it
Xx
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Hi Susan, thanks you so much for your post, today has been one of those days when little things that would not have bothered me before send me into a meltdown, and I’ve been really tearful.
It’s nice to know there could be some light at the end of the tunnel.
I always considered myself quite a strong person and positive person, now I cry so easily,
Friends tell me I’m doing great because, I’m back at work and trying to carry out the plans Pete and I had for our house, but I feel like I have no choice.
It does help to hear from people like you and the people on this forum who understand how exhausting this roller-coaster of emotions is.
Kind tho back to you.
Muldool
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I am still struggling with my grief,but it’s comforting to read the comments on here.It’s been nearly 8 months since I lost my darling Kevin and I can’t get over missing him and I don’t think I ever will,as
people on here have said they don’t feel the same person anymore and I agree with that.When my family say you should do this or that to take your mind off it I get a bit annoyed because I carry Kevin with me everywhere like an invisible twin he is with me always in whatever I do.They are worried that I will become a recluse so feel they have to keep including me in things,which is very nice of them.I always say that feel I should have Kevin with me doing the things we had planned to do together.I am trying to do things but it’s very hard and half the time I think what’s the point,I’m hoping things will get better but I think it will take quite a long time which I think my family will find hard to understand until it happens to them.
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Nearly eight months since Phil died and what you said about “what’s the point’ is exactly how I feel. I do things but not sure why. Life is very scary now and a future happier life seems incomprehensible and impossible.
Kind thoughts
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Sweetie, I can so identify with everything you have said, I have very kind family and friends who keep suggesting I do this or that but they don’t understand that half of us is missing!
Then I feel bad for not accepting their offers to do things, I know they are only trying to help but as I keep saying the only thing that could help is for my wonderful Pete to come back.
I too am hoping it will get better, 8 months down the line it’s not got any easier, I’m trying to carry on with the plans Pete and I had for our home, but when I look at how it’s transforming I get really upset because without Pete being here to enjoy it, it feels pointless.
Thank you for posting, it does help to know there are people who understand.
I guess we have to keep going, someone told me yesterday that I should go and have my cholesterol tested and I no, because I really don’t care about me anymore and now have no fear of death, but would rather let nature take its own course if I get ill, then they asked if I was suicidal.
I am not suicidal and no way could I put my family through the pain I am feeling. But I would be happy to be with my Pete, where ever he is.
Sending hugs
Muldool
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Totally agree with you Jan, it’s such a lonely road, it took many years to find the love of my life, both Pete and I said that we thought we had been in love before but it was only when we met that I realised what true love was like, that special bond when you feel like you are one.
I know that some people go through their whole lives never finding it.
So I do feel very grateful for that but 5 years is such a short time, I feel so robbed!
Muldool
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