Grief has changed me

[Muldool]

Hello,
It’s 8 months today since my world was turned upside down.
I lost the love of my life, soulmate, and best friend very suddenly and unexpectedly.
I can’t actually believe I’ve survived this long without him. Grief has changed me as a person, in all my 61 years I have never felt such sadness and despair.
I now worry about everything and every one who’s close to me, I always had a little bit of anxiety but now feel anxious all the time.
I have cried everyday since losing Pete, he was my whole world and I’m trying to carry on as I know that’s what he would want me to but it’s just not getting any easier, it’s completely exhausting and recently I’ve found myself sobbing to a point where it really hurts my chest.
I’m not sleeping very well and just lie in bed every night with my heart pounding, I’m so scared to think about the future and just want my old life back.
I have changed as a person and find I panic if anyone suggests doing anything social, I feel safest at home with my memories and I know it’s not good for me.
Anyone else feel this way? And will it ever get any better?

Muldool

[Broken2222]

Hi I know how you feel . I am not the same person I use to be . I have lost me as well as my hubby . Ten lonely months without the one person that got me . My happy life gone . My hubby gone . Any confidence I had gone . I always felt young . Never worried about getting old . Age was just a number to me and hubby. But now . I feel really old . I’m nearly 60 but might as well be 100. We were always enough for each other . So every spare minute we were together . So now the spare minutes add up to long lonely hours . Our home is now just a house . i miss and love my hubby more and more each day . And hate this exsistence without him by my side loving me making me feel safe and making me happy . Xtake carex

[Muldool]

Thanks for your reply, I’m sorry for your loss too, its such a hard road.

I feel the same as you, Pete and I spent every minute we could together, he always used to say "you are the one who really gets me! "
It’s just horrible and I feel so cheated, he always said he would love me for the rest of my life but it turned out to be for the rest of his.
We only got 5 years together and they were the best if my life.
I too hate this life without him.
Sending you a hug.
Muldool

[Broken2222]

Hi thank you and a hug back . We were together 43 years since we were both 16 . I am so lost without him . But no matter how long we were with the one person that we loved with our everything and they loved us the same ,it is heartbreaking to be now without them .I know I was blessed to have found a true pure beautiful love . Even after death my love grows stronger every day for him . I know it is so hard for us just getting through each day . And this feeling of sadness never leaves us . I don’t even know what the meaning of future is anymore . I know I don’t have one . I just exsist day to day .xtake carex

[berit]

eight months is a very short time.

you must endure your journey for another year perhaps at least six months, before you feel the slightest bit better … to go out into the world.

it is a hard time. but there is not other way besides living through it. it eases eventually but one cannot force this time.

[Nel]

Hi Muldoon. I could not have written it better. It has been 15 months and I feel exactly the same as you. I read about morning anxiety and it’s due to a higher level of cortisol on awakening in the morning. I take sleeping tablet at night. I feel I’m hanging on by my finger nails some days and couldn’t cope doing that every night as well. I feel the rug has been pulled from under me and all that I knew and held dear has gone in an instant. My safe feeling is no longer x

[Solost]

Hi, you’ve all just said so many things that I feel too. I don’t know who I am anymore, I’ve become a stranger to myself, if that makes any sense. I’ve also been a very anxious person, and now I’m a thousand times more. I’m 55 but I feel many years older, whereas my husband and I have always been both “young at heart”, everyone always said we didn’t look our age. I
can’t sleep without taking anxiety drops, in other words I’m a nervous wreck. I see we also have in common the fact that our sense of security has gone, feeling more vulnerable. It’s so hard being afraid of the future, not having that reassurance my husband gave me.
Wishing you all a peaceful evening.

[Muldool]

Hi Nel,
Thanks for the reply, I’m sorry that you are on the same horrific journey as me.
I just can’t get my head around the fact that when I left home that morning Pete was still warming up for his jog and he looked the picture of health and less than an hour later he was dead.
The only small comfort I have is our last words to each other were I love you!
I will never get over the shock, he had absolutely no symptoms, but apparently he had silent ischemic disease and had a massive heart attack.
It feels like I’m living in a nightmare.
Sending you a hug.
Muldool

[Muldool]

Hi Solost,
Thanks for replying, sorry for your loss. It does help a little to know that there are people who understand.

I even worry that people around me are fed up with me always being so sad and turning down invitations to go anywhere, they just don’t understand that my life feels meaningless.
Pete and I were happiest in our little bubble and he always made me feel that no matter what life threw at us we would get though it together, little did we know what was in store!
Sending hugs
Muldool

[Loobyloo2]

Hi Muldool,

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and that your life now feels so meaningless. I can so relate to what you and everyone else has said. It is horrible when your partner has died and you are left to pick up the pieces of your shattered life. I don’t feel safe anymore and the future looks very bleak.

Sending big hugs to all of you.x

[Barbara61]

When I finally went to the doctors about my anxiety in march one of the things I said to him was that I didn’t feel like the same person. Medication has helped with my anxiety quite a bit and I have definitely felt better but still feel like you all vulnerable, worry about finances etc and was just thinking today that I feel like I’ve aged a few years.
It is definitely worth speaking to someone about how you feel. I didn’t want to go on tablets but like the doctor said if I had gone with a sore throat I wouldn’t hesitate taking tablets to make it better. The mind sometimes needs help to heal.
Love to everyone going through this awful grief xx

[trent1996]

doctors should provide counselling in addition to medication, im in the same boat and my mental health took a real hit, if you l,ook at my recent post that will give you a better idea

[DennisS]

I hope I can maybe help a bit, and return a little of what you have all so kindly given me so far to help me understand this relentless torture I’m suffering?
I read all these posts in this thread and the thing I find the most cruel is that not only having to endure the loss of a soul mate, the reason for living, the loneliness, the finances, admin of life - but, in addition the physical symptoms as well.
Like most, since the loss of my darling Sharon I have regular diahrea (fortunately controllable), stomach pains, sickness when eating, insomnia, zingers where my skin is fizzing with adrenaline - BUT, this is something I’ve had for years and there are ways to help control it, if maybe not totally eliminate it for ever. Although I come across as extremely confident, smiley, funny, made and lost businesses, recruitment guy, life and soul etc, I had a challenging early life and before I met Sharon I was perpetually weak and wobbly inside. After Sharon, I became more normal - but still struggled occasionally for weeks at a time with anxiety and panic attacks at times. THEN a friend who is also apparently very confident (very loud holiday rep in Greece) lent me a copy of Claire Weekes’ first book “Self Help For Your Nerves”. I would never have read any rubbish like that, but Sharon pushed me to do so, and it is no exaggeration to say it changed my life. I bought another copy and highlit so many pages and will keep it forever in case I need to go back to it (first thing I’ll do when I get back to the UK next week), and I have also bought copies for other people with similar results. I have no agenda here, not connected in any way, BUT can only say it helped me a lot then, and I think I’m keeping my current symptoms more manageable than they would otherwise have been. Too difficult to explain here, but it essence it helps to break the cycle of: fear ~ causes adrenaline ~ causes physical symptoms ~ causes fear ~ etc.
Hope that may help? (the physical side of things, although nothing, just nothing can help the devastating pointless World that now just is).

[Solost]

Good morning Dennis, you’re right about these physical symptoms, perhaps we should call them psychosomatic symptoms, it’s not just a simple headache you get when you’re feeling stressed, it’s much more than that. I’ve suddenly discovered a rash all over my arms, can’t be the hot humid weather, it’s not the first time we’ve had 40 Celsius heatwave,over here. That book sounds very interesting, I’ve always been an anxious type and thanks to my beloved hubby, have become more confident in myself, but I feel now that I will go into regression, without him by my side.
Wishing you and all my friends here a peaceful Sunday.

[Muldool]

Thanks for sharing that Dennis, I will definitely get that book.
I have always had a little bit of anxiety, it seems to run in our family.
Pete used to call it the Muldool worry gene!
When I met Pete, he instantly made me feel really safe and secure, he was such a cool headed person, possibly because of his job (Police officer) he told me I didn’t need to worry about anything because he would always be there to help.
Whenever he was late home I would get anxious, he always said don’t worry, nothings going to happen to me, " you are stuck with me for the rest of your life!
So I started to believe it and relax and then he left home one morning for a jog and never came home.
Since then the worry gene has come back with a vengeance!
Thanks for your help.
Muldool

[Jules4]

I was in the same position, unfortunately. My husband went out for a jog. I kissed him and said I love you - he never came back. He was 50. Retirement, plans, ‘our time’ after looking after kids and elderly parents, future - gone. I’m 16 months on. I just get up and go through the day, come home and wonder what the point of each day is, but what choice is there? We worked hard so that we could enjoy retirement. Now I work hard to keep myself busy and pay the bills. Sending hugs

[Janr]

I feel for you so much, Phil was out cycling with his club I got a knock on the door from the police at 10.30 in the evening . He was 67 but very fit always telling everyone to move more! I too enjoy keeping fit and we use to be told we didn’t look our ages. I now feel like a very very old lady. I’m always anxious I guess anticipating the next tragedy
Thinking of everyone participating in this community and although it is so sad to read everyone’s comments at least there is comfort in knowing we are not going crazy due to our grief. X

[Muldool]

Hi Jules, your story is so similar to mine.
Pete was 59 and had been retired almost 2 and a half years, we had just bought an old cottage that needs a lot of work, he only got to live in it 6 months and 3 days and we had been spending every day working on it.
Sadly because of lack of funds it will take me a very long time to finish the work, although I’m back at work now, which has helped keep my head busy but I hate coming home to an empty house. My 2 dogs are the only thing that keeps me going.
I like to think he would be proud that I am trying to carry on, but I get no joy from it and just wish he was here to see it.
Like you I feel I’m just existing.
Also my heart sinks every time I see someone jogging, I’m scared they are going to collapse like he did.
Sending hugs back
Muldool

[Gillymary]

I understand your sadness. I lost my husband just over 3 years ago. I’m 63 my husband was 10 years older than me . I’m sure grief changes everyone. I was always happy, the silly one. But now I lay on my bed asking why . I says this to you. Everyone does but the pain will get better you will cry I still do. I’m lonely. Lost alot of friends. I think crying helps. Wishing you all the luck in the world. You have friends on here. It’s a great place to talk. Sending a big hug xxx

[Muldool]

Hi Jan,
I really feel for you too, I’ll never get over the shock of seeing 2 police men on my doorstep.
Because we were new to the area and Pete had no Id on him it took them a while to figure out who he was, there was also a delay in getting a defib as there was one in a church close by but apparently you needed a code to open it so they had to go elsewhere.
I can’t help but think he could have survived if they got it sooner. He was very fit, with absolutely no issues he was aware of.
Just wish we could turn the clock back.
Sending hugs
Muldool