Hello David
So sorry to hear of your loss but nothing can stop the pain you will be going through. I lost my husband a few weeks ago after 52 years together. I still hurt and cry constantly for him. I hope life will get better and I do try to believe that but I don’t yet. I am so lonely and even though a few people call me I still cannot feel any better. I hope you do feel better soon but you won’t ever forget. People tell me that my husband wouldn’t want me to grieve so much and I know he would be but I can’t forget the many years that he was, and still is, my reason to live. I still try and believe that what people say will be true but really I don’t want to stop thinking about him even though it makes me so sad. My thoughts are with you so take care.
Regards
Carol
Hi Judynews,
I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for your reply.
Yes, I have had counselling and find it did help a little.
I seem to take one step forward and then to two steps back though.
From reading other posts on here it seems to be like that for a lot of us, it’s not easy.
We had just moved to this area 6 months before Pete died and my family are 3 and a half hours away.
Petes parents and sister are close by and they have been great but his parents are 89 and 91 and I find it difficult to talk about Pete without crying, then they get upset and and it makes me feel bad for upsetting them.
I am trying my best to carry on and to be positive but as I’m sure you already know, it’s easier said than done!
Sending love
Muldool
Hi Carol so sorry for your loss I understand people telling you not to grieve so much people have told me that also, but it’s not like you want to grieve and be in pain grief has a life of its own it’s nothing that you can control. You can’t just stop thinking about him sometimes people don’t understand unless it happens to them. The time will come where maybe you thought about him 10 times a day but, then you are only thinking about him five times a day and that is progress. You are in early days of grieving and it will take how long it takes. In the beginning when my son Theo died he was 22, the pain was so unbearable and I thought to myself will this ever get better and it did. It took some time and I am not completely where I want to be but it’s a journey and you will get there.
Hello Racy123
Many thanks for your thoughts. I do appreciate it. I just keep thinking it will get easier but it isn’t yet. I still love him as I always have I sit and look at his empty chair and my tears won’t stop. I don’t want to forget anything about our life together and I still talk to him even though I know he is not here now. I think people have stopped calling round because they think I should be back to normal by now and they have become fed up with me. Despite that I can’t switch my feelings off and I certainly don’t want to forget him. I am grateful to all of you on this site for helping me. Carol
Hi David4 welcome to our community. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you need to be here. I lost my partner last Oct. It’s difficult to realise that 10 months have gone by already. I’ve posted many times on here and found other people’s comments comforting because we’re all in the same boat. Talking to friends and family is fine but unless they’ve experienced the same as all of us I’m afraid they’ll never truly understand. Best wishes. Take care.
Carol I did the same things that you are doing now and thought the same things as far as it not getting better, but it did get better. It would upset me when someone would think I should be further along and they had no idea of the pain that I was going through. Sometimes people want to rush your grief so they can feel more comfortable around you. We don’t need grief shaming we need understanding and compassion. All I wanted was for people to let me be me in my grief. I understand that some people mean well, but just don’t know how to deal with someone grieving. Hugs to you.
Carol21 and Racy123,I can understand every thing you are saying,I can feel family inwardly groaning when I say it could be years before I feel anything like normal.The grief is so profound that it takes over your whole life,everything you do is coloured by the fact that the person you should be sharing your life with is gone.You know that at some point you have to say goodbye but it’s usually before you want to and it can be done in such a brutal manner it leaves you in a state of shock.Unless this has happened to you,family and friends cannot comprehend what it does to you both physically and mentally.I had palpitations when it became apparent Kevin was going to die,he was in horrendous pain and there was nothing I could do about it and it shocks you to the very core of your being.So when people expect you in a few months to get over it and get back to normal,there is no normal anymore and you have to navigate a life that you don’t want and didn’t plan for.I’m feeling a bit down today so forgive me me if I have gone on a bit but it helps to vent my feelings on here.
Sweetie x
Don’t worry about it sweetie not at all vent your heart out. I still have my down days too it could be anything from seeing someone on TV that looks like my son or going by a place that we used to go to together. All the triggers out there in the world sometimes it feels like walking through a minefield.
Well it’s been 6 months for me and I cry most days but I think to an extent I’m still in shock , it was a sudden heart attack at home that my husband had and I was there . I go to his grave several times a week and feel guilty if I’m not able to as I’ve got appointments / work / etc . I kiss his photo every morning and night and now have to sell the new home we got a year before as it’s too expensive for me on my own on one income and therefore downsize . I’m very anxious ( and I suffered from anxiety before ) now , like you , and worry as I’m completely on my own as my friends who are very good have their own busy lives as does my sister . I sort of have no choice but to ‘get on with it ‘ . But they say the first year is the hardest and I think everything you’re feeling is pretty much what I’m feeling . I also don’t know a man as sweet , funny and loyal and handsome as my husband . He had his faults like all of us but he was perfect for me and we’d been through a lot together , not had an easy life . So I think what you’re feeling is pretty standard and similar to me . Sending lots of love and courage to you for the coming months . Xxx
Hallo Louise12
I’m sorry for the loss of your husband,I’m a little further along than you but I still have many bad days.I’m hoping that I will be able to live without my husband in time,I and you will never ‘get over it’ we just learn to live with it.My husband like yours was the most romantic,kind,thoughtful,and yes handsome as well.Sometimes you don’t always realise what you have and how long you’ll have it and that’s perhaps the saddest part.No one can take the pain away it’s something only you can come to terms with and I wish you nothing but peace of mind on your journey.
Sweetie x
I’m like that now with making appointments. I need my eyes tested but no energy to make an appointment. My iPad needs replacing and I actually got a new one, it’s still in the box 2 months later and everyday I think I must get it sorted, then do nothing. I think it’s not just anxiety it’s also mental tiredness and lack of motivation. As I write this I could finish this and sort that IPad. I’ve got a friend coming over so that’s todays excuse. At the same time there’s a little voice saying ‘don’t bother, who cares?. Grief seeps into everything but it’s definitely better than it was. So I’m going to keep on keeping on, a day at a time. That’s good enough for now. Sending everyone kind thoughts xxx
Hi Peter Thank you so much. We both understand this terrible feeling that never goes away. I need to start and get out more and make new friends. Lost touch with most of my friends.
They have either moved away or passed on.
At least our Beloved wives are at peace now and not suffering any more. Take Care. David.
Thanks so much sweetie . Yes very true that we don’t always realise what we had till it’s gone . Sending kind thoughts and hugs to you x
Hi David,
Thanks for your reply, and thanks for the compliment, I rarely smile any more and feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the past 8 months, shock and grief have such a bad affect on us both physically and mentally.
Yes, you are right I live in Northern Ireland.
Spent many years living in London and Southern Ireland and moved here just over a year ago.
Best wishes
Muldool
Muldool I live in County Antrim nice to know other s from Northern Ireland on this site . (But also sorry that you have a reason to be ) … take care
Your words are so true to the feelings I have too. It was one year for my beloved Derek on 3rd July and I can truly say I have changed beyond recognition. As you say, anxiety about my family and I always have a sense of impending doom. Nothing has any meaning as we were best friends and had been together 49 years. Every morning I wake up and think he is in the bed with me for a split second then I realise the truth and it’s like he dies each day again. We always thought I would go first, I have so many health problems and he was so healthy but cancer was diagnosed out of the blue in Feb 20 just as the lockdown came in the March. They delayed treatment for five months and I think that is what condemned him in the end. I have changed from the much loved wife I was. I felt safe with my 6’2 wonderful husband. I hope you can find yourself in a better place soon. I’m sorry I can’t offer you any words of comfort but I can offer my understanding xx Take care of yourself xx
I sometimes think that as a society we are taught to hide from the realities of death and when we are grieving as soon as the funerals over many people just expect us to go back to how we were and be exactly as we were, but without the loved one. A great loss has a huge effect on our brain and our emotions and physically too. It doesn’t go away after the funeral. A stiff upper lip is what’s often expected by many. When your whole life is upended it’s going to take a good while to learn to live with it. Maybe some of the people who appear to cope brilliantly are even more unhappy on the inside because they can’t talk about the pain. This website has really helped me have an insight to how others really feel, and it’s given me that chance to share how I feel. We are all grieving, it’s horrible, painful and heart wrenching, but it is definitely better than battling on without sharing. We don’t have to feel better tomorrow but there are tiny seeds, chinks of light and moments when we are thinking about something else, even if only for a short while. I send you my kindest thoughts and you will get kindness and understanding here xxx
Hi Nell2. That’s so it ‘why bother, who cares’. My thoughts exactly except for some reason after weeks of making a list of stuff I need to sort last Wed. I booked my car in for service and mot, made an appointment for an eye test, booked an appointment to have my hearing checked, went to see someone at the bank and spoke to a solicitor about my will. All these things were worrying me because they needed sorting. I felt so relieved when I finally managed to get them done. My best to you.
That’s so true , I’m quite young to be widowed and so none of my friends have been yet so their only reference point of bereavement is losing a parent . After 2 months or so they expect you to be back to normal . They’re all completely clueless but they’ll find out when it eventually happens to them I suppose . And the inane comments people come out with ! 
Someone recently said ‘everything happens for a reason ‘ and I said ‘are you being serious ? You’re using a trite comment from a Hallmark greetings card and applying it to losing my husband ?’ Have you got a screw loose or are you just very emotionally intelligent ? ‘ Basically it’s very isolating when there’s no other widows and widowers to talk to in one’s crowd of friends . 
I meant ‘unintelligent ‘