Hi Janr
I was asked last week if I wanted a week away with a family member and their family,I couldn’t think of anything worse than that so I refused.I suggested that I might be okay with perhaps a day out instead,but even that may be a no no.They are worried that I will become a recluse,what they don’t understand is the struggle to go anywhere and I want to be left alone so I don’t need to worry about anybody elses feelings.
Sweetie
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@sweetie Yes - the love is different. Sharon and I were inseparable, we made a single soul; she was strong where I was weak, I was strong where she was weak. And losing that, is beyond works and incomparable to when I lost my Mum.
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DennisS
I do get the sense that it would make other people feel better if we pretended that we were ‘getting over it’.I’ve said it would take years for me and they don’t need to keep trying to get me involved in their lives.My husband and I just used to do things as we pleased,having to hang around waiting for other people is very difficult.I feel my sister in law is getting a bit irritated with me because her sister seemed to get over the loss of her husband reasonably quickly by getting involved with the church but that’s not me.I’m just getting exasperated that I just can’t make people understand what this is like.
Sweetie
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@Solost I totally agree with all you write; my only point of possible help would be to say to ignore the people - no matter how well intentioned they are - who tell you what to do or feel. They don’t understand, but they don’t know that they don’t understand…
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Yeah people giving their advice and opinions when they’ve never been in the same position really gets my goat
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Louise12
Someone who was a friend of my husband told me it does get better,he lost his wife suddenly and he started a relationship 5 months after she died.Some people do move on quicker than others,I don’t condemn anyone for that but it won’t work for me.No one would come near what I had with Kevin and I don’t want another relationship with anyone else.
Sweetie
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@Sweetie I totally understand this. But all I tell myself is that other people’s needs are not my problem as I’m falling apart and don’t have the capacity to deal with their issues as well… If those people around me don’t understand what is happening to me, or want me to get on, or think differently I pretend to agree, but totally ignore them.
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@Sweetie Yes, my Dad went shopping for a new wife when my Mum died, and he did so and moved on.
For me, I couldn’t do that, ever - but to be fair, even if Kylie Minogue courted me she’d end up saying: “I can’t out compete your Sharon”. They say, to never say never… but I will never marry again, or even love another.
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DennisS
When I was arranging my husband’s funeral,my husband’s family were worrying me with their problems about the funeral.I had to tell them there was no room in my head to worry about them my head was too full of Kevin.Needless to say I’ve had no contact with them since then.His own brother gave me no help at all with the funeral service,wouldn’t read a eulogy,yet I know that Kevin would have read one for him.
Sweetie
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@Sweetie Totally the same. Sharon’s Mum, who never liked me, was a total cruel bitch to me. She always said I was a Johnny come lately (45 years) and didn’t have the same level of grief. I was organising (and paying for) the funeral strictly in accordance with what Sharon wanted including, catering, coffin, video tributes, music, eulogy, order of service, legal matters, cars etc etc. She then invited some of her relatives to my girls funeral, who Sharon hadn’t seen for 30 years (and only wanted those close to her) and lied about it. Her son had emailed them, and when I asked him why, he said he did it to get their email addresses for me - you couldn’t make it up. Then she tried to take over the ceremony, but luckily the celebrant was brilliant and conducted it to Sharon’s wishes with me and our two sons alone carrying out the eulogies etc. At the wake, she acted like a queen bee, but luckily most concentrated their time with me and our two boys. The only thing she said to me - despite I cared in every way for Sharon for 3 years including 5 months 24/7 at her bedside in the hospice - was to point her finger in my face and spat at me: “I never said you could have her”, I just turned on my heel and walked away.
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I had a similiar situation when my daughter died, with her husbands mother. She was bossy, insensitive and very keen on keeping secrets and being the centre of attention. She waltzed in and out of my house, uninvited and was as difficult as she could be. After the funeral I texted her and said I think it’s best if we just keep away from each other and don’t come round my house. She hasn’t contacted me since, it’s a relief. Xxx
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DennisS and Nell2
How awful for you both,I can’t believe how badly they behave at such an awful time.I tried to include things that his sister suggested,but when she suggested that his cousin sing over the video tribute I had to call a halt.The Celebrant was a fantastic guide for me and she fielded a couple of things that could have gone wrong.Unfortunately some relatives tried to make it about them which was unfortunate,it wasn’t malicious but wasn’t helpful to me.
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Hi Muldool, sorry to hear of your loss, it’s always hardest at the beginning although 2 1/2 years on and l still struggle with social events of any kind but my head is clearing and l’m able to take small steps, set myself little tasks to do now and again just to get out there, although like you l still feel safest at home with my memories. It takes time and you need to move at a pace you’ll comfortable with, don’t feel pressured, As for changing as a person, not necessarily a bad thing, you just need to take the time to get to know yourself know…best wishes
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The celebrant was good at my daughters funeral. My daughter was also recently separated from her husband who was also being erratic. The celebrant at the end asked anyone who wasn’t close family to gather outside while we had 5 mins with my daughter. As soon as I walked out of the chapel she was busily telling me what to do. I just looked at her and walked away. I haven’t spoken to her since and we ignored each other in the street, much better than having a loaded conversation that wd upset us both… We are def best keeping away from each other. She can’t understand me and I can’t understand her. I haven’t got the energy to try and be thoughtful towards someone who seems oblivious that she has her son and I don’t have my daughter anymore. My grandkids lost their mum and her response was don’t talk about it to the girls. I’m not asking any one’s permission but my grandkids to talk about their mum. They want to talk and need to. Maybe over time we will reach a point where we can focus together on the best interests of our grandkids, but it’s not now. So I’m leaving things between us alone. Xxx
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Yes that is exactly what you feel like shouting. I so miss planning our holidays and breaks away. We had some great times. It’s just not the same going anywhere on your own xx
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Dennis, I really know what you mean. I would trade my life for his in a heartbeat. You truly understand. I can only offer my very best wishes to you. I feel like I am just marking time till it’s my turn. You take care xx
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@Nell2 @Sweetie Yes, it is a relief. I haven’t heard anything from my mother in law since Sharon’s funeral 6 weeks ago - apart from a single text (tick in the box to tell others) telling me how badly she is doing - but luckily I don’t need to worry about her.
One thing I do know, partly from the lovely people on here, and partly from my psychiatrist who is trying to help me out of shock, is that: put yourself first… you suppressed everything for so long to look after Sharon you now need to look after yourself… other people’s problems are not your problems - and that has allowed me to avoid emotional pressure from others. Clearly, it doesn’t help me, I’m missing Sharon terribly badly, particularly last few days, but it helps me keep other people’s problems away.
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@Lookingforhope Yes, I would have done anything to stop Sharon passing, if my love could have saved her she would have lived for ever. The oncologist said that he was finding anecdotally that those who had misused their bodies (me) seem to have some kind of immunity against pancreatic cancer, while the goodie goodies (Sharon) got caught. I very seriously, behind Sharon’s back, asked him to transplant some of Sharon’s tumour in my pancreas, then after a month or so do a blood mixing transfusion (both Group A) to see if my blood could cure Sharon. He knew I was serious, as with no melodrama, I said I wouldn’t carry on without Sharon - but he said it wouldn’t work and it would not be possible). So I tried to do a deal with God to take me instead, but suprise suprise that wasn’t answered. There is no God anyway. I’m not one of these people who keep saying they are going top themselves, but I don’t know how I would live with this grief once and if it ever hits me properly.
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Ah Denis, your Sharon sounds like a lovely lady. Friends keep telling me I should just remember the good times but that makes it worse. They tell me I should be grateful for the love of a good man. I am grateful, but I’m greedy, I wanted more. You sound like you were a fabulous partner for her. At least we both know that they were surrounded by our pure love at the end.
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Hi Dennis,
I agree with you about there being no God, neither Pete or I ever believed there was, what kind of God would be so cruel?
I get so angry when people tell me “God takes the good ones”, “he is at peace now!”, “he’s still around you” usually as a Robin or butterfly!! 
Maybe some people get comfort from that kind of thing but it does nothing for me.
Pete would not be at" peace" he would be absolutely fuming, he was snatched away so suddenly and unexpectedly, he worked so hard all his life and had just retired over 2 years ago and was looking forward to enjoying the rest of his life.
We only found each other 5 years ago and were inseparable since the the we met.
I hate this lonely life without my soul mate.
It’s just not fair! I’m so sorry this is a negative post but unfortunately it’s my reality now.
Muldool
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