Hey everyone, my mum died October 2023. I can’t even remember last Christmas. Which is strange. I must have been on auto pilot. I have 4 children and this Christmas is 1000 times more painful. I don’t know if it’s because I’m lonely… the rush of people and connection of family after a passing stopped. All of my friends ghosted me, no one knows how to help someone who’s grieving so it’s easier to cut them off. I tried private counselling but it got too expensive and I was fed up of hearing the question " ok and why do you think you feel like that". I have the most hard working supportive partner but I find myself crying more and more as we get closer to Christmas and the end of another year. I don’t know anyone else who’s lost a parent. I’m struggling to be that fun mum at Christmas that my children deserve and I just need some friends right now. Please tell me all of these emotions are “normal” so to speak. X
So sorry for your loss and that to hear you are finding this Christmas tough.
Please remember grief is individual and there are no timelines.
It’s good to cry and remember your Mum and perfectly Normal!
You don’t mention your Children’s ages but it’s ok to tell them Mummy occasionally feels Sad because Grandma can’t be here to celebrate Christmas with you all and ask for a hug from them when you are feeling sad.
My bereavement councillor told me the time to worry is when the pendulum (like in a Grandfather clock) gets stuck in one position, it’s ok to have sad moments, it’s ok to be just ok and it’s ok (and not disrespectful) to have happy moments.
Welcome to the group and please continue to reach out.
There are some good resources linked here about Grief and Special Occasions.
If you find yourself in Crisis, please remember Samaritans 
116123 or Shout 85258 (txt Shout to 85258) are there 24/7
Take care 
@BekkiAnne61 sorry for your loss. I lost my mum December 2022 suddenly and this is the second Christmas without her. I don’t feel it gets any easier and I want this one over more so than the first one. I spent time with her brother and my cousins last Christmas this one I don’t want to go anywhere just to stay at home. Its no longer a joyful time for me and my son but we will chat about her and what she means to us and her stories that gets us through it. I don’t have any words of advice but just know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. 
I’m so sorry for your loss @BekkiAnne61 and completely empathise with all you’ve said. My beloved Dad passed away, after a very short illness, November 2023 and like you, last Christmas just seemed to happen and is very much a blur. This year is just weird. We put the tree up and presents are under the tree, we’ve been watching Christmas films and been out to a few Christmas events but without my Dad here, everything just seems sad. I don’t have a big family but on the day will be with my elderly Mum, brother, grown up child and my husband but nothing feels Christmassey to me any longer, I just feel empty.
I also think we can all feel lonely at times, even when we’re surrounded by people. That’s the nature of grieving…its a personal journey none of us want to be on.
You sound like you have a lovely partner and are blessed to have your children. As another responder said, you don’t mention how old your children are but I’m sure they understand you’re dealing with a big change in your life and I’m sure they don’t expect you to be fun Mum all the time. It sounds as if you’re doing an amazing job as it is. Be kind to yourself. Your Mum would hate to know you’re sad, even though I’m sure would understand why.
Do you think its worth referring yourself for counselling via Mind as this would be free? Its sounds as though you still need some professional support.
Are there any of your old friends you’d want to be in contact with still? If so, maybe you could drop them a note and briefly explain how you’ve been feeling and how you’d like to see them again. Perhaps they want to see you too but feel bad they didn’t support you initially and so haven’t made contact out of embarrassment and maybe that was because they didn’t know how to. Sounds weird but some people just don’t know what to say or how to act and feel when someone close to them loses a parent.
How about getting some new friends? I don’t know your situation or beliefs (you sound very busy with 4 children!) but would it help you joining a church group or a grief group who meet for a coffee, U3A classes (depending on your age), a walking or painting group, further education day/evening classes? Just to give you something to focus on for a little while and to meet new people.
I definitely feel everything you’ve expressed is perfectly “normal”.
Although we all miss my Dad so much, and like you said, somehow more this year, we’re going to try and have a lovely Christmas in his memory - he absolutely loved Christmas!
Wishing you and your family a peaceful Christmas.
Hi there , first time poster. My mum passed away 3 years ago.
My mum was my everything.
I am great at putting on a show, pretending to be fine, but in actual fact I have ,unintentionally,completely turned off all emotions.
I don’t really feel happy, sad, excited , the only emotion I seem to be able to feel in abundance is anxiety.
I’m anxious quite a large percentage of the time.
Im exhausted going through life without parents. All decisions, all questions that you turn to your parents to for the answer, all achievements, all of life, without your mum and dad. It’s excruciating and exhausting.
I send love to all experiencing grief right now. May you find strength to carry on and find a happiness. X
Hi @Elphie, so sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum and your ongoing battle with grief
Firstly well done for reaching out 
, you are now part of this community and we are here to help each other.
Have you spoken with your GP surgery or looked at Bereavement Counselling? Maybe look for a bereavement café or MH café close to you for some F2F support.
I am no expert but this article might also help.
Take care and please keep posting