6 months came and went since losing my Dad and things are just as bad as they were at the start.
Grief is so selfish. It’s all consuming and clouds your mind - you can’t see anything else but your grief. All I can think of is my Dad and our memories. His last days, how it all happened and everything else. I know I’ve not been my best self lately or even just myself, but honestly I don’t understand how anyone could expect me to be?
I’ve recently had a situation come up with my best friend. She’s just lost her grandmother a week ago, and the three times I’ve spoke to her on the phone, she’s not been too overly upset just quite sad. I’ve told her we’re gonna plan something to celebrate her life once lockdown is over. I’ve sent a few messages hoping she was okay, sending her some things to watch to keep her mind busy and had no reply. I called her today and she’s angry with me because I’ve not checked in on her more. I tried to explain to her how much I’ve been struggling (which she knows) and that I was sorry I can’t be a better friend because I’m going through a lot myself. We ended up in an argument and now I’m left reeling with this. I can’t help but feel she’s taken her grief out on me when she didn’t even go say goodbye to her grandma when she was given the opportunity. I didn’t get that opportunity!! It was hard holding my tongue about that but I’ll share it with you.
Has anyone else had problems with their friendships after a loss?
sorry you’ve had a friend act like this to you.you are not in the wrong and yes your friend as been very selfish.if your a people person ,I hope things settle and she realises her treatment of you was out of order and you get your friendship back. me ive kicked so called friends into touch as I didn’t need clichés and insensitive remarks from those idiots.it was obvious to me they are not with their soulmates if they can say move on so damn casually grr.sorry for going off track.do whats best for you,sorry im of no real help as im happy on my own,well not exactly happy but better off on my own than having uncaring insensitive so called friends in my life.
take care and please try stay safe.
regards ian
I can see me kicking a lot of people out my life and just having my select few! I can’t be done with people and I’m actually starting to enjoy lockdown and having a reason to not see anyone. Saves disappointment.
I mean, I just didn’t think losing her grandma would be so devastating considering she chose not to go say goodbye - I know so many of us where nothing would stand in the way of our loved one for one last moment to say a proper thank you and goodbye. She never spoke about her either - I spoke about my Dad every time I seen her. People are selfish.
it is strange how some supposed friends act.and I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest,id be kicking them into touch,those real friends ,which sadly out of maybe 10 only 1 or 2 are those you can rely on 100 percent.the rest seem put their own issues first even if they are minor issues.whilst im sorry for the loss of your friends grandma,thats no excuse for not replying to your texts and then saying you haven’t been there for her.damn she sounds very unreasonable.yep id of been ruthless and hoofed her into touch,but some times we say things about friends relatives etc that when we really think about it we regret saying or doing certain things like weve reacted to something as oppose to a reasoned response,sure you know what I mean,but do what ever make you feel better,damn im like a broken record player were the stylus is stuck in the same never ending groove unless you kick the thing.sorry for droning on.
take care stay safe
regards ian
Hi Watt- In reading your post, it triggered a situation I encountered with a “friend” after my Mom died of lung cancer is 2012. She & I were very close friends for years. She told me I was like a sister to her. We met a club we were both involved in.
I was a carer for my Mom and also worked full time. This friend did not work, but never found the time to call me, even for a chat. When my Mom succumbed to the horrific disease I received the obligatory card, and an opened box of candy. I might add that when her Mom died years before, both my late Sister & I supported her and constantly checked on her.
I was receiving mass emails from her with updates on our organization, but still no personal post to me.
Finally I called her, I gently mentioned that I thought I’d hear from her by now. She said she was “off line.” I let her know I received her mass emails, thus she was very much on-line.
She became defensive, and said “I know you lost your Mom, but I have problems too.” I asked if she was all right, she said “no one is sick or dying if that is what you mean.” I knew at that moment that this friendship was over a long time ago, and it took her cold lack of compassion for me to see it. I never shared the loss of my beloved Sister in 2018, however I know other friends & group members informed her. Still no contact (and she knew my Sister quite well).
Had she reached out after my Sister’s death, I would have given her another chance, because I am a forgiving person. But she made it clear that she did not care.
I was hurt & disappointed, but concluded that my grief was forcing me to re-evaluate my relationships. Losing the friendship of one selfish, uncaring person, leaves room for new and more empathic people to enter our lives.
So I will end here, if you are still reading. Xxxx, Take care and sorry for your pain.
sounds like your friend went to the friendship and family abuse misuse and insult their intelligence course that Jaynes family and a few of my supposed friends went to.you know how to not support or give a toss about friends or family courses for the totally insensitive and I dont care about anyone but my self courses.think you get the picture,sorry you’ve had this shyte from supposed friends.its sad how these people are and how do they manage to they sleep at nights.because they have no conscience and are cold hearted gits.sorry if any offence is caused by my remarks.
regards
ian
Hi Ian-You have such a way with words “Friendship and family abuse, misuse, and insult their intelligence course.” Well said.
I am sorry you went through the same with Jayne’s insensitive family, after she died.
You and I and Watt, and so many good folks on this site have been hurt, disappointed and let down by so called “friends & family.” I understand your need to stay on your own. I wish some people could see how their words and actions only hurt us more, and try to be more careful with our feelings. But then, perhaps they are just not capable of empathy. Pity them.
Thank you and take care.
Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry you’ve had the horrible experience of so called ‘friends’ not being there for you. Ian is so right and I can understand why so many others grieving feel like they have to cut their circle. It really is the last thing we want to do but feel it’s necessary to limit further pain and disappointment.
Sometimes it just is what we have to do. I’m a big supporter of ‘do anything that brings you comfort’. If they don’t get that, then it is not our fault.
Thank you Watt, and I am sorry for your experience as well. The true test of any relationship is how one reacts when the going gets rough. Any one can be a friend during the good times, that’s the easy part. I sense what so many of us miss so much, is that steadfast, loyal, unconditional love we got from our now departed loved ones. Not too many others in this world can give so freely and selflessly.
Xxx Take care .
That’s so Very sad, grief is different for everyone, when I lost my husband last year to a Sudden Death at 55 at his place of work, my life completely fell apart. We were together 33 years married 31. I do t know how I’ll feel each day. I love him, miss him, my heart aches , my children know my pain but they can’t help, I’m slowly coming to terms with what happened now but I’m angry he was taken as went GPs 6 times in a month , they never picked up he had a massive Pulmonary Embolism and sadly died. The inquest was awful , listening to the events leading up to his death. our son isn’t coping well, our daughter is stronger. Life is really so very fragile and he was gone in the blink of an eye. Life so very sad at times. Keep strong. Xx
I had exactly the same with a friend after my dad passed. My chronic illness flared up and also I was getting bullied at work. My best friend at the time said she would be there for me and never was but she went in the huff with me because I didn’t go out with her for meals or to exercise class at the time because I couldn’t cope with small talk and my illness made exercising at that level difficult I even made time to go on hol with her as she wanted when my dad was ill even though I didn’t want to I wanted to go on hol with my dad but wasn’t possible at that time. (Dad was ill for 2 years before dying didn’t go on hol when he was really bad). Loss makes you find out who your real friends are. The thing is that you did try and keep in touch with your friend and give her a little support and if she didn’t reply maybe she was coping with a lot but you tried and thus she didn’t need to accuse you of not being there. However if you have had a long friendship and this is just a misunderstanding based on both of your own grief then its a good idea to give the relationship another chance and try to talk to it out. Sometime a good argument can strength a friendship that is if you are both prepared to talk it out and work it out and be there for each other afterwards. and sometimes a massive argument can tell you the friendship is over. Only you know which that is. Thinking of you.
Dear Sister2,
You have been through a lot losing both your mum and your sister and losing your friend (at least coming to a realisation of what a selfish and complicated cow she was) is also a kind of bereavement in itself) and I really hope that you have found much better people in your life as you need some support for you. I hope that you are faring better now. Thinking of you.
Thank you Meebee, I did find much better, kinder & more sincere people (some right here on this forum).
Still it hurts to think someone I considered a close friend for so many years, could be so cold . The fact she never even reached out after my most recent loss (she was aware of it, through mutual friends) to me, was the final blow. Yes “a selfish and complicated cow,” indeed. I hope you are faring better too. Take care, Xxxx
Reading these posts I am so pleased I keep my circle small. My best friends are my chosen sisters. Whatever life throws at us we are there for each other. It is unspoken. I could not have survived these last 6 weeks without them.
Different people handle grief differently. While it is perfectly natural to be angry after a bereavement I don't think it is fair to take it out on a friend like your friend did with you. If your openness with her ended in an argument then it might be an idea to leave off communicating until she has had time to calm down. If the relationship comes to an end, then so be it. This often happens where a bereavement is involved.
People often react strangely towards the bereaved. In my case the majority of the people whom my husband and I knew dropped me like a hot stone. A neighbour who lost his wife very suddenly experienced the same thing. He told me that friends crossed the road to avoid him. I think it is partly because they don't know what to say and partly because they regard widows & widowers as a potential threat. My attitude to those who dropped me is one of gratitude - it was like the rubbish taking itself out.
We have to rewrite the script of our lives after bereavement and sadly, we often have to write former friends off.
Dear Sister2
just saw your reply hope your doing a bit beta now. I too had a friend like this well a bit like her. We had stopped speaking a couple of years before due to my illness and her selfishness. but she stayed friends with my mum on facebook and found out about my mums illness through her mum. She then contacted my mum asking after her but not one word to me. (if it had been the other way round and I had found out about her mum I would have sent a card and offered her my support but no). She did send a card out the blue after my mum died which on one hand I felt was nice but on the other a bit hypicritical as she hadn’t said a word all along to me and she knew my mum was very ill and that I was caring for her because my mums friend told her mum. We had been friends from school. Still it is hard when people treat you like that especially if you have been there for them. I had supported her through a few job losses and stuff. and then when its my turn its I can’t cope with your problems. that was the beginning of the end for me. Unfortunately I am finding it hard to make new friends because I have been so vulnerable of late and trust is a big issue. But here I too have found some really nice people and sometimes its easy to get things off your chest and say everything to strangers that you know wont judge you or be nasty to you. Sorry for this post turning into a moan just having a hard day. Take care of yourself.
You are so lucky that you have those friends. But best of all you cherish and value them. True friends and good family are the most important things in this life. no matter what. Thinking of you.
This is so true it makes things that much more difficult but it is so true. A bereavement and a lottery win (I am guessing) make you see people for who they really are. And the best people are the people who are there for you through thick and thin. and they can also rely on you the same way. I have always tried to be that kind of person but have not always got the same in kind.
However I experienced that kind of friendship comaderie years ago when I worked on ships people bonded together like a surrogate family I miss that feeling. Take care of yourself and hope you have some good people in your life.
