Hi @Ally6
I can’t believe what I’ve just read, I am in exactly the same position as you today. My brother is in hospital for the 4th time since mam passed, they keep sending him home and he gets worse again. Iv been to see him twice now but he’s been moved to the same ward as mam now. When my sister in law told me this morning I just broke down. I’m already anxious about being visited by HR tomorrow about going back to work. Everyone is different but I think the shock of knowing he’s there has been half of the trigger for me so I’ve decided to visit tomorrow after HR have been and get it all done in one day. Today I feel like a nervous wreck, I hate this torture.
Sorry for rambling whatever you decide will be right for you
Take care 
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Hi @Becca_d
I can’t think of anything positive to say like I tried to earlier. A big wave has hit me and I’m back at the bottom of the pit. I’m not saying this for sympathy or to drag you down but I think we all know how hard this awful journey is. I keep telling myself I’ll get there but I don’t believe it. Missing mam so much 
Sorry for rambling, rubbish day
Take care
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@Pixiecat i totally understand. I have been quite unproductive at work today, but at least I showed up.
I just can’t imagine feeling any different to this dark cloud hanging over me.
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Me neither @Becca_d
I feel so lost in the world
My wish is to move forward with my mam in my heart, I feel guilty even for that
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I am sat just thinking about my mom. How is she dead? How is she not here? How do I ever accept this? I can barely function.
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Sorry to hear that. I’ve been on the very bottom for two days, today I’m halfway down. It’s horrible. 
The longing is bad enough to make you double over in pain.
Oh no im sorry to hear about your brother, @Pixiecat. I hope your visit with HR goes well and probably a good idea to save the hospital visit until afterwards.
Ive decided to try visiting on Friday - i thought of Mum and how she always took time to visit her poorly relatives, how she cared for her sister when she was in hospital. I just felt i need to let her light shine on, regardless of how difficult i find it. 
Let us know how your meeting goes. 
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Hugs! 
What a mess with your brother, in and out of the hospital like that. Do they know what’s wrong? 
Keeping fingers crossed for the meeting tomorrow. 
Hiya he’s got COPD which affects the lungs, he’s been hospitalised with pneumonia and sepis but they haven’t been able to get the antibiotics right and he’s so fed up, it’s been 6 weeks in and out of hospital, we think it was brought on by stress as he first went in just after mam passed.
My stomach has started churning about tomorrow, I feel so much worse in the morning’s, I’ll just be glad when it’s over
Thanks for your support I’ll let you know how I get on
xx
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Your absolutely right I thought what would mam do, and so I’m going for myself and on behalf of her, it’s just the right thing to do. I think I’ll be able to do anything after my meeting with HR. I don’t know why I’ve got this problem with work, I just want to go back and nobody know anything so i don’t have to explain myself. Also the thought of breaking down is really frightening me.
I feel so vulnerable. I’ll let you know how it goes
Thanks for the support xx
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Its a horrible place to be, most of the time I feel like a zombie, it’s so exhausting. Hope you have a better day tomorrow,take care🫂
Yes, do let us know!
And I hope they will be able to figure out the antibiotics for your brother. Of course he’s fed up, it must be so hard for him (and you all). Stress tends to make everything worse, stress and grief.
Feeling vulnerable is all part of my grieving, I took 3 months off work after my mum died, and going back wasnt easy, but it was time for me,I was nervous and indeed broke down a couple of times, I’ve never been a great sharer of my emotions but decided after mum that if I felt it I was gonna let it go…I still struggle to do that,but I found that because my colleagues knew why I’d been off it was easier when it happened/happens. I’m now nearly 7 months into this horrendous experience and still wear layers of clothes due to feeling vulnerable (I work in a shop with ovens!) you’re so early into all of this still, at least you’ve gone back….keep taking one day at a time, you’re doing ok xx
Good luck with HR and visiting your brother tomorrow, x
Hi how is everyone havnt been on here for 2 days just felt I needed to clear my head a bit, I’m not doing too bad to be honest my counselling session on Tuesday was really good we talked none stop for an hour and I actually smiled for the first time speaking about my mum and mother’s day and for the first time since she passed I havnt felt guilty work are sorting my phased return and I don’t actually feel too anxious about returning I called in Tuesday on my way back from counselling and had a coffee with the girls and got my birthday card off them and I felt at ease being there I still have a long way to go but I feel I can do anything if I really put my mind to it, I need to focus on my self and my girls now as my eldest has a important year at school choosing her subjects for GCSEs although she’s lost a bit of motivation the last couple of months speaking to her teachers at parents evening you would never know as she is excelling in all her subjects so I’m really proud and I know her nan would be, my youngest daughter keeps telling me how much she loves me and how proud she is as she keeps asking me about my anxiety and depression so i feel like I’ve been in a good place this week xx
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@Lisa_L51 this is so good to hear, you are doing really well and making positive steps. I am pleased counselling is helping you.
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Hi @Ulma @Becca_d @Ally6
Well I had my meeting this morning and it went OK, I only got upset once when I spoke about mam. I’m going back to work on 25th March but I’ve reduced my hours permanently as I still need time to adjust and I’m sick of chasing my own tail. I went to see my brother in the same ward as mam was in and it was ok, mainly because I didn’t see any of the same staff from before, my sister in law did yesterday and it upset her.
I did get upset though when my sister in law asked if I wanted a hot cross bun, mam loved them and looked forward to them coming into the shop’s. I hate these triggers, you feel like you’re going backwards
Take care everyone
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@Pixiecat well done on getting through such a big day. I am pleased the meeting went ok. I am glad you are taking care of yourself too.
I know how hard it must have been going to the same ward. But you did it and got though it so you should be proud of yourself.
It is the little things that set you off, a smell, a song, food, something someone says. Be kind to your sort tomorrow. Xx
Thanks for letting us know. I’m glad the meeting went ok and the visit as well, though there were the inevitable triggers. Sounds good that you’ve reduced your hours permanently so you won’t be too stressed.
Breathe out now, the day is over, and treat yourself to something, chocolate maybe?
Yes I’ve just had some chocolate biscuits and going to have a hot chocolate.
Does anyone feel that everything seems to going in slow motion or. Or is it that I’ve just slowed right down? I think it might be something to do with still not having any motivation and I still feeling a bit numb. Any thoughts?
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@Pixiecat i think the slow motion comes from the emotions we feel and just trying to get through each day. I feel the same, I have zero motivation for anything.
We don’t want the world to go too fast as our brains are trying to process so much. If that makes sense.
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