Everyone’s journey is different, but I have to say nearly three years on from losing my husband, who was also my best friend, I thought I’d not be having as many tough moments as I am doing. As time goes on these tough days seem harder because you keep them to yourself because you feel that you can’t share as much anymore, even with those closest to you. Even though daughters lost a father their life didn’t change that much as they’re with their own partners, have their own lives to live & you don’t want to bring them down with your own sadness. I read this today & it really resonates with me.
Sending love & strength to everyone on this journey we don’t want to be on 
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@Jodel712 - I’m nearly 9 months in to my grief but feel the same as you. I’ve had a really bad few days, after a calmer period, and I’m reluctant to tell family and friends that I’ve slipped back into my grief. I’m looking for a reason I feel worse again but I don’t think it’s one thing - just how grief is.
I’m not on medication and have had no counselling - am I foolish to not try these things? I am working and am mostly coping ok but feel panicky and am upset a lot again.
I’m sure our family would prefer us to be honest but like you, I don’t want to upset them but maybe they are feeling like us and are also putting on a brave face?
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19months on - this is just how it is.
Thankyou for posting.
G. X
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Hi I really agree with what you say I lost my husband 19month ago and as time goes on I feel worse, my daughters too have lost there dad but have a partner and children there for them I feel like I have no one I know it sounds selfish but I’m alone no one there for me when I’m having a bad day💔
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I know how you all feel. C…p isn’t it?X
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That text is so true. We learn (I haven’t yet) to live with our grief, it doesn’t go away, it’s part of us, embedded in our minds, it would only go away if our lost partners would miraculously come back to us, but they won’t. I have heard that we will become stronger having gone through such a trauma, I do hope so, we will need all the strength we can get, won’t we?
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I think those words are so true. I had never realised how devastating the loss of a husband would be compared to losing my beloved Dad for example. I thought that was bad but the two don’t compare.
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Hi Jodel
It’s been nearly 16 months for me now but like you, I’m finding I can’t really share my tough days with those closest to me anymore. After a year, there seemed to be a subtle change in those around me and the feeling that I should be over the worse. Little do they know!
I had a long car journey today and fell asleep. When I woke up the sun was shining and for a split second I felt as if the last sixteen months had never happened. It was such a lovely feeling but then, my whole world came crashing down again. The only people I can share this with now are on this site.
Look after yourself everyone,
Julie x
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“I feel so totally alone and frightened, iMy husband died in July and I couldn’t be wth him as I caught Covid it was so so sad,everything at home reminds me of him., I keep expecting him to walk in and then realise it is never going to happen.
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@Unforgettable
I know what you mean about expecting him to walk in.
How devastating that you couldn’t be with him; I’m so sorry.
I wasn’t with my husband either although I still feel mostly that it was better that it happened away from home, for me and my daughters. It’s sometimes hard to believe, given what we’ve all been through, that things could have been worse but for me I think they could. I know my husband had just been doing something he enjoyed, playing football, he was with a friend who is a Dr. I wasn’t trying to resuscitate him and failed, my learning disabled daughter didn’t see anything awful.
I do keep trying to stay positive. It’s the only way to live any kind of life.
Stay strong everyone. We were all loved and not everyone is that lucky. xxx
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I’m the same. Sitting here sobbing. I lost Graham suddenly in June 2020 and everyone assumes you should be ok. It doesn’t work like that. My own sister said to me ‘ you’ve got to get a life of your own’. Oh yes? I can’t show my feelings to her and like you, I don’t want to burden the family. I speak to a counsellor weekly which helps and I have a good friend who I can talk to. Some days it hits you and you just have to wait for the storm to pass. Love to all xxx
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My beloved husband died in July . We had been married for 54 years and 56 altogether of knowing each other. He had dementia but died due to a failing heart problem after Covid acquired while in hospital just before his discharge back to our home He suffered a bout of severe delirium which can happen with dementia and never got back to his base line and spent the last 16 weeks of his life in a nursing home unable to move or even talk or do anything at all. I spent 2 or 3 hours with him every day and fed him his lunch. He slept a lot of the time that I was there but eventually he stopped eating or drinking and passed away. I wasn’t there when he passed away as although I had spent all day and most of the night with him I returned home for a while just to get some sleep but the nursing home failed to contact me in time for me to get back to see him even though it was only 3 miles away. His breathing changed too quickly and I wasn’t there for him which has broken my heart. I had left instructions for them to phone me if there was any change but all I got was a phone call at 1.30am to say “Your husband has just died”… quite formal and callous. I just can’t get over the loss of him and see no purpose in life even though I have 2 sons and their families 10 miles away. They are good but busy with their own lives and families and I feel that I am a fish out of water . I just cry and cry and just can’t get over this. Is anyone out there the same? I feel I must try and be braver than this but just can’t. He wouldn’t want me to be like this but i just can’t help it.
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Hi Pat8
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for the hospital to just leave you a message is appalling! I am so pleased that you have found this site as you will always find friends and support here.
It is still such early days for you so don’t feel you have to act in any particular way. It’s been 18 months for me now and I still cry most days. To me, it still seems like yesterday and I still can’t picture a future without him.
I think I was in shock for the first year or more and it’s only recently that the reality is hitting me. One thing I have learnt from this site is that everyone grieves in their own way and time. How one person reacts to such a loss can be so different to another. I remember being told to just take one day at a time and I still do that even now.
You must be kind to yourself, not expect too much and never apologise for how you are acting. You must do what is best for you at any given time. There is no need to be brave as what has happened to you is devastating and so hard to come to terms with. Ian and I were together for over 40 years and I just can’t get on with my life as if he were never part of it.
Please take care of yourself,
X Julie
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Thank you for your reply. It was the nursing home who phoned me to say he had died… a very abrupt care worker spoke to me. I asked her why they hadn’t alerted me to the fact that he was rapidly fading and her answer was that they had checked on him every hour which I said wasn’t enough in the circumstances as they knew he was in difficulties. So I have to live with the fact that he died alone. But maybe one day it won’t seem as raw but I know I will never get over the loss of him. Even with his dementia he was still everything to me… why didn’t i tell him this when he used to get so downhearted about his condition. I just couldn’t seem to deal with it emotionally and grieved for the 2 years before he was diagnosed and it seemed worse because we were in lockdown after lockdown and not able to see family so it was just me and him trying to deal with what was happening to him. I wish you well and hope that one day you too will feel a little better.
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I am the same and with a similar story. My husband died in July after being in hospital for a month and then in a Nursing home for another month. He had been suffering with prostate cancer and the reason he went into hospital was a urine infection. However he became more and more confused and didn’t really know me when I visited him. I went tosee him every day which was nearly an hours drive each way and I contacted covid 2 days before he died so I couldn’t be with him. I cry now every day although I have 2 married sons living near, but they are busy with their own lives so it’s not fair to let them know how devastated I am feeling. You are not alone, I shall be thinking of you . We,will have to try and get through this terrible time
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I lost both my parents and my brother …my mum and brother only 9 months apart, but nothing compares to suddenly losing my husband only 8 weeks ago now the pain is unbearable he was only 64 I’m just devastated.
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To both of you who have replied I thank you to know that it is not just me being weak. The grief is just dreadful and unless you have been through it you will never understand as both of you know yourselves. A neighbour called round today and asked me if I had now accepted it all to which I replied that acceptance isn’t part of it… it is the terrible void and loss. People try to be kind but can’t understand loss and the emptiness and the anxiety . My best wishes to both of you.
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@Jude123 so sorry to hear you have had to bear this awful loss too.
Sending love to you. xxx
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@solost I was told by a counsellor that my grief is a huge ball in a box, and it fills the box. The grief ball never goes, it stays the same size, but over a period of time the box gets bigger so the grief ball doesn’t fill the whole box forever.
I don’t know if it’s true…
But apparently I’m following a grief pattern called “Continuing Bonds” as my subconscious simply can’t accept my darling Sharon is gone forever - that simply can’t be true, it just can’t - so I’m keeping my relationship with my soul mate, but it’s a different but still as loving relationship.
Maybe some of that makes sense?
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@Pat8 please don’t feel the guilt of not being there - I stayed by my darling Sharon’s side for 5 months 24/7 in a hospice, held her in my arms for the last 3 nights as everyone said she only had hours - but my sweetest girl waited until I’d popped to the loo and passed then; all the experienced medical staff said they “see this all the time”, our beloved wish to protect us from the moment of passing. I missed Sharon’s by no more than 1 minute, but the shock and permanence in that instance ripped my soul apart - and apparently she tried to protect me as best she could.
So, I guess your husband did the same to protect you…
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