Thank you Dennis for your kind words. I appreciate your reply and I know that so many people are suffering this terrible grief and not just me. I feel so much guilt as dementia is not an easy thing to witness in a very much loved husband. We were so happy and united until dementia reared its ugly head and for me to witness this lovely man gradually losing his mind seemed more than I could bear. It simply broke my heart and he couldn’t understand why I was so uptight and not the same person as usual. It all took off worse during the pandemic and lockdowns so it made everything much worse. However eventually I tried to get a grip on the situation and up to a point I was ok ish.
But his stay in hospital with a heart problem and then his covid illness made it impossible for him to return home to me. His last weeks were a haze of sleepng, utter confusion and unable to move a single limb. I left him at 9.15pm just to get some sleep but he passed away 4 hours later at 130 am. I was told that they only checked on him every hour so he died alone for which I grieve so much… Thank you for your kind words and like me you are suffering and just wishing that everything could be different.
@pat he would have been asleep, dso don’t feel guilty - and anyway, guilt means harming someone deliberately, then regretting it.
@DennisS, that definitely makes sense. After nearly two years I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want to survive this, preserve my sanity, the only way is to ‘continue my bond’, just like you mentioned. I am and always will be married to my darling husband, our relationship is still alive, I will carry on as if he’s still here beside me, guiding me, helping me, loving me. The comfort and solace I get from this feeling will keep me going. This way of coping has actually matured in me naturally, as I get through each day, each minute, each second of my life.
The image of the ball in the box sounds a good way of describing what’s happening in our minds. I suppose the fact that the box gets bigger is a metaphor of time passing, but the sadness and devastation of having lost our soulmates will remain immutable. Nothing will ever take away that special unique connection we have with our soulmates. This strong emotional bond provides a light for us and will help us on our way.
Hoping you have found help and comfort from your counseling.
Take care, sending you best regards.
Jude123, so sorry for your double bereavement. I too have seen my wife of nearly 40 years and my mum pass away within 10 days of each other last month. Losing a lifelong partner is a thousand times worse than losing a parent (sorry Mum)
I talk to my wife, it sounds a bit mad but it helps x
@Solost Thanks for that, and I’m glad the concept helps a little.
I’m having quite a bit of professional help, most of which sessions are rubbish - but occasionally something hits a chord.
As someone who has always been in control - and resolved every issue we ever had one way or another - it is incredibly hard to understand that I can’t resolve or control or fix what has happened, nor how my soul and brain will react. So… I try to understand, to analyse what is going on, and somehow to then try to find a little something for everything hitting me to try to cope. Not sure if that makes sense? And listing positive thoughts in this sea of total pain and devastation also helps as reminders I think? D
Bless your heart. Its only 4 weeks for me and I am just dreading the future and how I am going to be. I am really angry at some people I know saying, oh you’ll start feeling better soon and things will be fine. I need to tell them to just go away and leave me alone as they don’t understand. All our grief is a personal thing and they are not going to tell me how I shoukd be feeling I have had 2 panic attacks where I just break down sobbing, heart racing, and not knowing what to do. I found this site and it’s the only way I can really tell how I’m feeling, as now I know I’m not the only one feeling this way . Anything I say is not going to be ridiculed or judged, and that in itself is a great thing.
I’m sorry for your loss, my wife died at the start of September from cancer so it was 7 weeks yesterday. I still expect her to walk in the front door or call out from downstairs when I’m upstairs or vice versa. Or say hello when I walk through the front door. She was only 50.
And you are right, unless you have experienced this, you don’t know how it is. I have a couple of friends who have, about 10 years ago for each where they lost their wives to cancer and they both said that they felt numb for quite some time, like it wasn’t real and then the sadness kicked in. And yes, everyone is sympathetic but it’s not the same. They both said, do whatever you need to do and feels right to deal with it.
Yes I know what you mean, I cousin of mine told me it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, the anger I felt towards her I cannot describe, she still has her husband and cannot understand, I feel robbed of my partner yes robbed of a life we should both be having I feel terrible for thinking it but when my cousins and friends lose their husbands will they expect me to give them the same platitudes they gave me, I’m so angry and jealous of them right now, but I know if the same happened to them I would not be saying anything like what they said to me, because it’s a cruel thing to say when you’ve just lost the love of your life, it’s no comparison to the loss of a parent I have also lost my mum to dementia 5 yrs ago and the grief and pain is so different.
It’s been 16 months now since I lost Ian and yet to me, it seems like yesterday. The heartbreak, loneliness and sense of nothing to live for are still as strong as ever. Friends and family have mostly disappeared as if I should be ok now and getting on with life. Little do they know or want to know how I really feel.
My heart goes out to everyone on this site.
Julie x
Julie, sorry to reply as I have the same name as your beloved.
16 months and it’s no better?
Oh god, for me it’s only 5 weeks tomorrow, is the worst yet to come? Not even had Elaine’s funeral yet x
I feel exactly the same I lost my soulmate, best friend,my Darling husband 20 months ago and the pain is unbearable most days I honestly don’t know how to go on without him my heart is broken and cannot see a future without him
Only just over 4 weeks for me since I lost my darling husband . God knows how I am going to cope. I am just a mess. I miss him so very much. He was my life. X
Hi Ian, please remember that everyone’s grief journey is different.
There are many on this site who do not feel the same as I do but for me, my life and future ended when Ian’s did. I remember Ian saying to me the day before he passed away ‘this is no life Jules’ and I just replied ‘I know ……
It is such early days for you, so just take each day as it comes and hopefully your journey will have a more positive outcome than mine.
Julie x
Hi Solost
I feel exactly the same as you and live my life with my husband still by my side and love him as much as ever. I certainly had no intention of saying any goodbyes to him.
I continued with the interests we shared and he asked me to always take him with me and I certainly do just that. I keep busy but always know he’s somewhere near. I can feel him.
Those words are so true, I lost my Wife of 20 years in 2019. Three years down the line I still feel lost and alone, my daughter was 18 and Son 13 at the time . It’s hard watching them suffer whilst trying to care for yourself also, friends tell me I need to move on? They just don’t get it !!
My feelings are exactly the same, I lost my best friend, soulmate, husband 5 weeks this Wednesday and now that we finally had the funeral last week, I feel that already some people are expecting me to start getting back to normal - I don’t even know what is the normal yet ? I dread the moment I go out who knows me and my husband who are only neighbours or the old school child parent acquaintance who ask how everyone is, how’s Paul ? - having to explain what as happened.
I never suffered anxiety issues before but over the past couple of times where I have ended up a place which has become busy, I find myself feeling so overwhelmed.
So sorry for your loss, I never ever experienced anxiety before losing my Wife of 20 years. On my very bad days I find it comforting to spray some of my Wife’s perfume on my watch face, when I feel anxious it gives great comfort almost like she’s there. Hope this little trick helps you somewhat, be easy on yourself x
5 weeks on Wednesday for me too. I am utterly devastated.
It is 14 weeks for me now and I don’t feel as if I want to do very much with other people who kindly invite me for coffee etc. I have 2 sons and they are kind and their families too but not that near to me in distance for just “popping in” for a chat but they do their best but although it is lovely to be with them there is this huge horrible void. I just keep thinking " Oh Colin my darling, you would have loved to have been here." The Autumn colours are so poignant as my husband loved Autumn and walking together and with our dog. Wherever I go and whatever I do I can’t stop grieving and thinking of him. So to all of you who are suffering and grieving my thoughts are with you all. I don’t really know how anyone gets through this grief and terrible anguish.
You don’t get through grief - you learn to live alongside it.
The pain does become less intense but there is no quick fix.
I embrace my “moments” as they are still my connection to him.
He’s only a thought away.
G. X