Hello. I just saw something on Lorraine that I thought I would share with you all. They had a piece on grief at Christmas and apparently grief tears are made up of different chemicals and are actually healing tears. So when we cry we apparently feel better for a time. I hope so as I still break down every day. I went outside to have a cry and it rained behind me but not on me which was weird but maybe a sign from nature or my fiancé that it acknowledges the pain we are going through.
Sorry just wanted to share as constantly looking for things to help heal this pain, still only 8 weeks in and it hurts but I have hope that I will learn to live with this at some point. Rosie.
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I do find when I have a bad day and cry all day that the next couple of days are a tiny bit more bearable. It definitely helps to let it out x
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I’ve got a large almost Iife size face of my Mum in her sitting room. I talk to it and it brings me to tears. I’m hoping that it is aiding grief, as when my Dad died I hardly cried at all.
For now I’m leaving the photo in place. I’m 9 weeks in and i probably cry at least three times a day. Occasionally, I get a relatively good day. My motivation is very low.
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Thank you, Rosie. I can remember a young priest at our church saying " We wouldn.'t have been given tears if we weren’t meant to use them".
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I too talk to his photo on my phone, I say good morning and goodnight for now that photo is staying there too.
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I saw this rosie. I cant normally stand the lorraine show but it was on in the background and I turned the volume up to watch.
It was very interesting. Apparently grief tears are made up different chemicals than tears of pain or joy.
I certainly feel better after a cry and it enables me to carry on with the rest of my day.
Cheryl x
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I feel the knot in my chest loosen a bit after a good cry
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Agree, Tears do help although I sometimes think that I’m going to die of the pain at the time. Do tend to have a couple of days respite afterwards.
Mary, yes I like that. We are meant to use them. I have never been much of a crier and not in front of people but my goodness I’ve cried bucket loads in the past year. Making up for lost time now.
I have always said that the tears are for my Brian and it’s him reminding me to not forget him. So when I cry he’s giving me a nudge. I don’t think I will ever stop in that case.
Pat xxx
I do cry a lot on my own and I really sob sometimes and I also cry in front of my children sometimes. I was told by someone today that I shouldn’t do that as all they will remember of their mum when they are older was that I was depressed and sad all the time. I admit I’m not a fun Mum at the moment. And my daughter found me on the stairs last week crying whilst I hung my xmas decs up. But I still look after them and take them out fun places. I’ve definitely lost my sparkle and laughter. But surely I’m allowed this time to not be the perfect mum.
@Jooles45 I hope you don’t mind me jumping in, but I just wanted to say please don’t feel bad for crying in front of your daughter. Sue Ryder’s bereavement experts would always say that it is actually a good thing for children to see their parents express their emotions - because children learn from their parents, and if they never see your grief, they will learn to bottle up their own emotions, which isn’t healthy for them.
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Thank you so much Priscilla. I felt so bad afterwards. I’ve just picked them up from school to take them to dinner as I was feeling so guilty. X.
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Hi Jooles I am no expert but when I was young my family never showed any grief for a loved one. I never saw my Mum shed a tear for my father who had been the only man in her life since she was 14yrs old and he died in his late forties. My Nan was just the same when my Granddad died in his early sixties he also had been the only man in her life. When my family died I did not cry at their funerals but held back tears until it gave me a splitting headache. You see I thought this was how you had to behave at a funeral and as my family never talked about a loved one that had passed away I thought this was how it had to be. Now I know this is just not how it is and I wonder if this is why I am having problems with my loss. On the day of Brian’s funeral I found a text on my phone that Brian had left for me, naturally I broke down but my daughter was horrified as I have always been a resilient, reasonably strong person but now I feel a mess at times. Slowly I am finding some peace but never expected it to hit me like this. Not me, I’m tough or so I told myself. I think it might well be a learning curve for your children to realise that grief is a very hard emotion to cope with and at this moment you are grieving but their Mom will come back one day, and would like their support.
Good luck
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Thank you for your advice. I did say to them the other day “I know I’m not the same but I will come back”. They said “we know mum”. And they hold me when I cry. I felt so blind sided today by those words my friends mum said to me. She also said. “You will get over it. You have to get over it, it’s not fair to make your family suffer otherwise”. Very strange choice of words. I’ve only since her once since mum died so it’s not as if she knows what goes on in my home.
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Joules,
Let me second that. I havent hid my emotions from my daughter since my mum died. My daughter has seen grief and together we are getting through
My sister on the other hand refuses to show sadness confront of her children and as a result their grief is hidden and I truly believe they will suffer months down the line.
Every book I’ve read on grief says how bad it is to keep a stiff upper lip in front of children. Its what we did in days gone by and it’s why we have so many people, men in particular who cannot show emotions.
Cheryl x
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And what does ‘get over it’ mean?!!
We may learn to live with it and learn to live alongside our grief, but we will never get over the deaths of our mums!
I honestly dont understand people joules
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Cheryl I came away feeling guilty upset and confused. I only went to visit her to give her a potted little Xmas tree as a present as she can’t get out much. She’s a lovely lady but those words did affect me. I must admit I stood up very quickly and said got to go!!!
Thank you you are right. So much mental illness comes down to inability to express yourself. And people telling you to “get over it”
I think it was the way of years ago. The British kept a stiff upper lip as the saying goes. I often wondered why some countries screamed and made such a fuss when burying their loved ones, now i know. I bet they handle death better than we do. I have Greek friends (in Greece) and when one of them lost her husband the neighbours took turns all day in sitting with her and holding her hand as she sobbed. These neighbours said very little they was just there for her.
When any of my relatives have passed away there has never been a tear or even mentioned again, not in front of me anyway, even an Aunty that committed suicide when still in her twenties and had a 6 year old son. At my father funeral I never cried until I was on the way home and then the floodgates opened. Am I suffering for it now I wonder.
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I could cry for England, my mother was a cryer. I can remember very clearly how she used to cry buckets when she wrote to my dad and I was only 5 years old. In a way she did me a favour, I quickly learned that it was okay to cry. I have never been one to hold back the tears, in the “good old days”, Stan and I went to Hamburg to a Pavarotti, as soon as he started to sing, I was in tears. It was when we went to see Neil Diamond at the Manchester arena, His first song was “He ain’t heavy he’s my brother” my younger brother had died not long before, we were good friends as well as brother and sister, it tore at my heart, set me off of course, I was done for for the rest of the concert.
Good night my friends, see you tomorrow, I may be glued to the TV watching this strange General Election.
Sweet dreams and Blessings,
Love from MaryL x x x
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I meant to say too, that my dad was in the 8th Army and did battle at Monte Cassino. Bless him.
MaryL