I am in despair as I write this. My husband is getting weaker each day as the cancer grows. He is asleep now - the only relief he gets. I can’t bear the silence.
5 Likes
@Louise1951 - hello there,
I am so sorry you both are in this situation - it is beyond hard, I know from personal experience. I sat where you are, for me, it was in 2021, watching my husband Tom disappear before my eyes. Cancer, too, in his case, blood cancer. What can I say. Only that know you have people here who are with you, who understand, who can support you in the messages they send, the prayers they may say for you and the love that they have for you and your husband - even as strangers on the other side of a screen and keyboard. I know the silence of which you write. I know the long hours of his sleeping and the waking times of pain. I know this time. It stretched before me, a long and lonely road as all we knew, all we had, all we did, shrank to the four walls of one room, and the space of a single hospital bed. I am here if you need a chat, you can send a private message on here if you would like to. Hold on, hold his hand, this time, although hard and horrible, is precious time, to talk, to say all the things you need to say and the words “I love you”, many, many times. I am here for you, as will be many people on here. We are a team, we have got you. Loads of love, Vancouver
6 Likes
@Louise1951 I’m sorry you are in this situation. My husband passed away from metastatic prostate cancer in April this year. He battled for nearly 4 years and we thought he was going to be cured. It was only in January this year that we found out it was palliative and he only had months. Such a difficult thing to watch the one you love lose this battle. Nothing prepares you for the end. My heart goes out to you. I’m here if you want to talk. Take care
4 Likes
He died last week. I was holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him. I have been ok I think. Doing better than I thought I would. But this morning I caught sight of some photos and have been sobbing for hours begging him to come back
4 Likes
@Louise1951 - my dear, I am so very sorry. You are doing really well. One week in - a tough place but you are walking through these days. One expression that really helped me was from Rev Richard Coles. When his husband died, in those early days and weeks, he would say “I’m vertical and facing forward” to those who asked him how he was doing. I used it a lot. I still do when wobbly. I begged Tom to come home, usually at night, pouring out my sadness into the darkness. I had a number of signs from him, that he is ok, that he is safe and happy where he is. That he wants me to out there and live. All that took time - but it happened. You have been through the whirlwind together, you and he. All of it, as one team, as a couple. He died knowing you love him - and that is a relief - it was for me. Your love will continue and it will always be with you. You are strong and you have got this and friends here who understand, and who are with you. The road ahead of us all is long, but we go forward together. We are with you. Keep posting x
2 Likes
Hi Louise - I am so sorry you have lost your husband & totally understand how you are feeling. I have been through the hell that you went through. I lost my husband nearly 2 years ago to cancer and watched him diminish in front of my eyes. It was the worst thing I have ever seen, I would not wish it on anyone - pure hell. My darling husband was only 61. There is not a day when I do not think about him & miss him. It does get easier to live with, but the hurt never goes away. We have lost them & a huge part of our life too. I still struggle to look at photographs of him, if I look at them I cry. You are sadly now in a group that none of us ever want to be part of. Take care of yourself. Alison xx
2 Likes
Dear @warriner21, I hope you do not mind me asking you this. I lost my dear husband 27 weeks ago from cancer, I watched him diminish in front of my eyes for many months, He was at home and I cared for him with help until he needed more 24 hours care, he was in a nursing home three weeks. He died in my arms.
As much as I try to focus on our wonderful life together, I cannot help going over the last few months of hell.
Have these awful memories lessened for you after nearly two years?
Best wishes xx
1 Like
My sincere condolences. I lost my lovely husband recently to blood cancer. In the end I was glad that he was at peace after all his suffering but that doesn’t make it easier to cope with. Life can never be the same and I’m just taking the new reality day by day.
2 Likes
I would also like to know if the brutality of final days fades over time. Every time I walk into the bedroom I see him sitting up on the side of the bed covered in blood. He haemorrhaged and it was all over him. All over his legs and feet. He was so distressed. Not in pain but bemused and frightened and full of apologies for messing up the bedding and carpet.
4 Likes
Jan17, your story is the same as mine. My beautiful husband passed of metastatic prostate cancer on 24 feb 23 in my arms on his hospital bed. Louise. The silence is deafening my darling, its a bittersweet goodbye all the while, us praying for a miracle, that this is a horrible dream that we will wake up from, while our loved ones prepare for transition, to be free from suffering and pain, safe and secure in our love, and us in theirs. With you in heart, spirit, love and healing 
xxx
2 Likes
@Annalisa thank you for your kind words. It really is such a horrible disease. Take care
1 Like
Dear Rome18 - some days I can forget the horror of watching him suffer. But when I am having bad day I can see it as though it was yesterday. The memories are not as raw though. The 2 year anniversary of his leaving me is coming up next month & I am not sure how I will react to that. I am not sure that my answer will help you, we all deal with things differently. Best wishes. xx
Dear @warriner21, thank you for letting me know how you have coped. Some days, depending what I am doing, the memories aren’t so bad, other days I remember so vividly the horror of it all.
I hope that you will be able to live through the second year anniversary as well as is possible, with lots of support … sending hugs xx
2 Likes
Dear Rome18 - thank you for your kind words. Somehow we manage to live through this hell that we are in. It is not the life we want at all, but it is the one we are left with. Do not be too hard on yourself, this is all unknown to us and however you manage to cope with it is ok. Hugs back to you xx
Dear @warriner21, you are right, we do have to manage this hell we find ourselves in, one way or another. Love never dies and that helps me, plus our precious memories.
More hugs x
1 Like
@Louise1951 - hello there,
You asked if the brutality of final days fades over time. I am 18 months in, now. I was with Tom in the hospice when he died. He had been there about 11 days in all. He, too, had a big bleed 3 days before his death, but his was internally and in a cruel, cruel way. The shock lessens, the memories remain but as more and more familiar, at least for me - so easier to bear. How he died won’t change, but I take hope and comfort from the fact that we were together, that he was never alone, that we walked together for as long as possible, before we had to part on this earth, but never in eternity. I am
moving away from this house as the flashbacks remain here and it is time for a fresh start. This comes with love, my friend, hold tight x
1 Like
My husband also died from internal bleeding but I wasn’t with him. Due to my mobility issues I couldn’t spend the hours sitting with him in the hospital. I tried one night but eventually had to give up and get a taxi home at midnight or I would have joined him in the hospital. He died alone and that makes me feel guilty although he was so drugged he wouldn’t have known I was there. He did have visitors the day before he died and they told me he was sleeping but I suspect he was just out of it with the morphine. At least he wasn’t suffering.
1 Like
Oh, @Pudding - I am so sorry - this is hard. You tried so hard, did so much, struggled so much to be with him. You and he had the strongest bond, I can tell, and he knew how much you loved him. I think our loved ones let go when they think we will be ok. I have read this many times, they go when those that love them have popped out for something, or gone home. Tom heard me speaking with his brother, who was also there, about something inconsequential. He relaxed, he was so relaxed and he just slipped away. Morphine does make people sleep, and takes the pain away, so it helps in the last moments, I think. Loads of love, my friend x
When he went into hospital all he did was worry about how i would cope despite me telling him I would manage and I have but it is so hard finding ways to do the washing and cooking and even put the rubbish out. I am finally managing to cook ready meals so that they are edible but still haven’t worked out the microwave. When I pack the dishwasher I hear him in my head telling me that’s not how you do it. I just miss him so much. And hear I go crying again.
1 Like
He shouted for me at 6.30am. He had vomited clots of blood. He was struggling for breath. The paramedics took him to the hospice. We knew he had a sarcoma in the peritoneum but the last scan, only a week earlier, showed no invasion. The consultant said ‘something’ had happened in his chest area. A nurse said he might haemorrhage again, which would be distressing or they could give him a sedative. The sedative worked for a short while but then he woke up and his legs started thrashing. The Consultant asked him if he wanted to ask anything of him. My husband was struggling to breathe too much to answer. I said ‘please make him comfortable’. We all knew what the doctor was offering and I was requesting. He got a nurse to administer more sedative and morphine. He told me if the morphine didn’t help in 15 minutes I could ask for more. My poor husband’s circulation was going. His feet were cold, his legs swollen and his back and bottom were already mottling. I asked for more morphine after 15 minutes. So I did this. I asked them to help him go. He stopped thrashing and drifted to sleep. My daughter and I held a hand each and watched him sleep, then watched his breathing shallow, then slow and then stop. I feel so guilty for asking them to do it. May he forgive me but his breathing was so painful and he was frightened.
6 Likes