Now I think I am glad I wasn’t there. I saw him on the Sunday and then he didn’t know I was there but was obviously in some pain so I asked the nurse to give him more pain relief so he was at least comfortable. Please don’t feel guilty. I couldn’t stand seeing him as he was and could only stand 1 hour. The Saturday before my brother and his wife visited and some friends and he was sitting chatting to them. I wish I had gone Saturday.
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Dear Louise, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you only asked for something more to make him more comfortable. Your husband’s last few hours were very similar to my husband’s. His cancer had spread so much in his last few days. It is dreadful what cancer does. During his last few hours, his breathing became so painful and rattling, he was also frightened. I will never forget the look on his face. He was in a nursing home and I held his hand throughout his last night and at 5am I asked the nurse to give him something more to help. He died in my arms at 5.25am.
We have to live with what happened to our partners, but everything we did was to ease their pain and suffering and they would know that and say, there was nothing to forgive.
I lost my wonderful husband 27 weeks ago and, I will be honest, and say I still beat myself up about so much. I try to focus on our love for each other and our amazing life.
Remember, love never dies, your husband would know you did everything for him.
Sending hugs x
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Rome 18. Do you find yourself regretting every harsh word, every betrayal, every wasted minute. I have spent this afternoon looking through our photographs to find some to use for his funeral. It’s like looking at different people. I yearn to go back and do it better, show him I love and appreciate him more.
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Please don’t feel guilty. You acted in love.
Hi Louse, During the past few weeks I have gone over what it was like when Richard had to be confined to the hospital bed here because of his immobility. We were let down by district nurses a lot of the time, before we had carers from our local hospice. I had to do so many things for him I was not trained to do: dressing his weeping legs, look after catheter and help him with commode, plus other things,
I got very tired and so distressed seeing his deterioration. So, yes I did show my stress and say the odd harsh word and wish now I could have done things differently, but I did what I could at that time and was told I couldn’t have done better by the carers. My husband worried about what I had to do, but I would have done anything within my power for him.
It is very easy with hindsight to revisit past actions and think I should have done that better but it’s no good as we cannot change anything.
When he had to go into a nursing home it broke my heart and I beat myself up about it even now. I cancelled it once but was told, he needed 24 hours care. He was looked after very well and I stayed with him a lot of the time.
I know that my husband appreciated what I did for him and there’s no doubt in my mind that yours would have felt the the same about you.
My counsellor told me that grief plays many tricks on us, one of them convincing us that we could have done better and didn’t appreciate our husband.
During the last 27 weeks, I have thought the most ridiculous things and hated myself for not doing this or that, and was desperate to tell him how much I loved him. I know, of course, he knew and you know too that your husband did. It’s this wretched grief tearing us apart.
You had a wonderful loving life with your husband, please don’t let grief let you stray away from that,
I hope I’ve answered your question but please ask if you need anymore answers.
Sending hugs xx
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I know your pain and loss,I lost my wife to cancer last month and cry everyday.
You need to go to your GP for help please.
Regards,
Tags.
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@Tags sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband to cancer in April this year. This forum has been a huge help and hopefully it helps you too.
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The Hospice offered counselling when he was diagnosed. I said yes on the day he died. I haven’t heard from anyone yet so will chase it up. I don’t think I will get through this on my own.
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Louise1951, he already knows. Please dont punish yourself. Just know, that he knows 
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Tags.
It is his funeral on Wednesday. The organisation has kept me busy and exhausted - although I don’t sleep. How are you managing after the funeral? I am just dreading the emptiness.
I could have years left and I just don’t know what I am for any more.
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Louies 1951,
Louies, What I’m going to say is please don’t cry inpublic i t makes you stronger ( only only on your own ) 0thers don’t understand and embrace the day, by the way and I wounld never , but thats how i manageged to deals with that day.
I still cry every day and would love to be with my wife, but if I should do the wrong thing she would kill me on the other side, so say strong as a community member, we all feel your pain and your not alone.
Tags.,
I’m not coping, my life is hell and no one understands
Tags
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I think lots of people on this site understand. Are you receiving any support?
Louies,
You wount sleep the night before, try and chill out with a friend or family member and let me know how your day goes.
Tags
Tags. I understand. Absolutely. We were best friends as well as a couple. We never needed anyone else. He always said that was such a risk for the one of us left. He begged me to be strong and I probably look as if I am - but it is just an act. Inside there is nothing. I cry all the time I am alone. I rage and shout and sob.
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We all understand and support you Tags. Is there anyone that can offer additional support? Your GP could be a good place to start in connecting you with local groups in your area. Please dont struggle alone. Reach out to us as often and as much as you need to. It really is the worst journey imaginable, we are all walking this painful path together, we truly understand your agony. Keep reaching out, keep talking. Sending love
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Sending you best wishes. My husband’s funeral was this week. I amazed myself by how calm I was. I really wanted the best goodbye for him. I was totally exhausted afterwards.
Nina58,
Your a super star.
You don’t know how proud the community are of you, what a difficult day with all your emotions going on and yes you should be proud of yourself,we are always here for you and you have a long journey ahead, so do forget the community for support and advice.
Tags.
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Hi Nina,I lost my husband to blood cancer in March this year. I cant get over the way his body went to nothing i can still see him lying in our bed like a skeleton. I have good days and bad days today is a bad day and i dont know how i will get over this.I try to be positive and family and friends have been amazing but i miss him so much,so i know were you are coming from.I think unless you have experience this loss people cant really understand, its like somebody’s ripped out your heart and i will never love anybody like i loved him.
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Oh I do so understand. I lost my husband in June. Today I think is going to be a bad day for me. It started with a card from Royal Mail saying someone had underpaid postage. I am expecting a couple of important documents so I have to pay. I just miss him so much. I also spilt milk and cereal over the kitchen floor. I think it is going to be a day for tissues.
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