I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this so apologies if it’s not. My partner of 18 years has very recently lost his father to acute myeloid leukaemia. We have 2 small children together ages 6 and 18 months. I’m trying to support him but he’s pushing me away. We have a complicated history. After years of periods of emotional distance from him I entered
An emotional affair for around 2 months 5 years ago. He discovered this snd was understandably devastated and we started some couples therapy. Around 6 months later I discovered that he had been visiting escorts around once a month for the entirety of our 14 year relationship. So as you can see, not a straight forward situation. We both had lots of therapy and worked thru so many issues and went on to have another child together. Since his dad has passed, he has distanced himself from me due to what I did 5 years ago, despite the fact I have stood by his side after discovering years of infidelity and further to that, have supported him through out his fathers illness. I’m very close to both of his parents so am experiencing grief to some extent although of course nothing compared to what he is going through. I’m pretty desperate for help as I’m struggling to get through this period looking after our children and being ignored and having anger directed at me by him when I just want to love and support him. I understand and respect the need for space During this period but this feels much harder and kind of like he is projecting some anger at me that is to do with the intense feelings of grief. I’m pretty desperate for any help or suggestions - was on the phone to the Samaritans this morning as my mental state is so poor. Sorry for the long message and thank you in advance for any insights.
Love to you all
There is no need to apologise, this Community is for everyone. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your partners father. Grief, and how we react to it, affects everyone in different ways and for some this includes not expressing how they are feeling. Grief comes with a variety of emotions including anger and this can sometimes come across as though you are being pushed away.
There are a few resources I would like to share with you which might be of help and support to you.
Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Thankyou so much for your response and for providing the links to all of theses resources, that is so helpful and I will share the resources with all of the family members.
@SewingMama - I am so sorry that your partner’s dad has died - and after a lot of suffering, I am sure of that as my husband died of blood cancer, too. Your grief is your grief and all too real. You shared so much with us - thank you for trusting us in this way. The situation is complicated as you say but you are doing your best and that is all you can do. Your partner has a lot going on - and so do you, with two children and a busy home to look after. I sense you may be doing the majority of the caring and sorting things out just now. If he is pushing you away it may be because he can’t think straight at the moment. Just being there in the background, keeping things in the home on track, is a huge support and that is what you could focus on in these very early days of grief. They are the worst of times, the most difficult as everything comes at once. The loss, the funeral, the administration, all of it. You are doing a great job, you are a kind and caring person so be gentle on yourself and focus on what you can do - not what you can’t right now. Take care and remember, you have friends here who care about you x
Firstly my deepest condolences for your loss and I just want to thank you sincerely for taking the time to respond to my post, it means so much and it has helped me so much too.
Yes I did share rather a lot (the beauty of anonymity eh?!)
I will continue to try and hold myself together for everyone’s sake and I feel so reassured that there is community of lovely caring people I can turn to,
Thanks again and sending you love
So sorry for your loss i lost my Mum oct 2019 to cancer then found out that my husband also had cancer in march 2021 after one and a half years of treatment we was told the treatment was not working and was told he had about 6 months left he passed away on the 8th oct last year and i feel so lost and do not feel i can carry on any more
Dear SewingMama, I have been sitting thinking about your situation, I have no suggestions for you, it sounds impossible. When I am distracted, it helps me get through the day, maybe you should tell him about your grief/concerns. Maybe, he could focus on you for a while, and ease his pain. BUT, you are not alone, even if your relationship is ‘complicated’. Hold on to that, hold on to the love you clearly have for this man. Just imagine, for a moment not having them, your children and husband…Now, go and cherish every day, every moment you have with them, hang on tight, hang on to him with all your strengthen and don’t let go. All the very best of luck. Pip.
Thankyou for your kind words and advice. It does feel impossible at times but the kids and their endless love and chaos get me through. I really do hope my partner can work through this period of intense anger. He can barely look or speak to me right now other than essential things to do with the kids. It’s so so hard. The first week after his dad passed was tough but I was allowed to be by his side. We walked for hours holding hands in the rain and I listened to him regaling memories of his father and I held him tight whenever he cried. I’m just so desperately sad that he has pushed me away. But I guess grief is a very very personal journey and all I can do is do my best to look after myself, the kids and him from the distance he wants me at. I wonder if the pain is too much to bear and it’s just easier to vent anger at me? Maybe, hard to take but it kind of makes sense. Thanks again and love to you x
Dear @sue11, I am so sorry for your losses. That is so much for anyone to go through but please know that you are not alone and things will start to feel easier as time goes by. Do you have family/friends you can turn to? Sending you a big virtual hug xx
My husbands Mum has not phoned or been to see me since his funeral on the 5th dec when i talk to friends they looked fed up with me keep talking about how i feel i have 3 brothers but one has Parkinson but i can talk to them sending you a big hug
I recently lost my daughter sarah, and my wife Sharon, I have grief for Sharon., but find it difficult to process feelings towards Sarah. I rarely contact Sarah’s husband. My fear is that the hurting will start all over again, so I clamp it down. My point is that maybe she is in a dark place and cant handle the hurt. Phone her. After writing this I will phone Sarah’s husband. Communication is important. You can contact me any time.
I think thats so true think i was just thinking about myself it must be so hard for his Mum will give her a call she may need someone to talk to atleast i will understand how she feels
It, s OK to think about yourself. That is not a bad thing. Grief does not follow anything normal. Or there would be a app for it or a pill. I have hurt someone else recently to make myself feel better. It has not and I feel worse to the point that I can’t go outside. We make mistakes because we are not thinking straight. Talk to others before you do things out of character. Talking to others is good. They know you and can give you an ancor to reality, you may not see through the tears and broken heart.
It just feels like no one understands how i feel this morning i woke up and thought whats the point of getting up i think i feel angry at his mum as when he was here she never came to see him i feel she missed out on doing things with him she knew he had cancer and that in the end he could not even get out of bed so why did she not come and see him
My god. You lost everything. You are allowed to be angry. Be angry. Very angry. I wish I had someone to be angry at. I don’t want to be here either. I want to be with then. I am in tears typing this. I promised people I would not take my life, if I did it would just pass the hurt onto other people. I would do anything to have them back. But I can’t. And it hurts. It hurts somuch.
Loosing a son m daughter is hard to bear. I wish I could morn Sarah. But I can’t. Sharon is difficult enough to cope with. She wa probably unable to cope either. If you can have compassion for others it helps you have compassion for yourself. Don’t blame yourself for anything. It is difficult enough as it is.
I would do anything to have my husband back again as well i miss him so much he was not only my husband he was my best friend as well we did every thing together i looked after him untill the end and would do it all again if i could
You probly feel that you should have done more… Made mum attend… Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t blame yourself for anything you have done. Have faith that things will get better… One day
I did my best for him it was so hard doing on my own i used to wash him dress him make his meals made sure he had every thing he needed sometimes i would be awake all night with him as he was being sick or he could not sleep we would just talk or watch tv together untill he pain meds kicked in but i would do it again if i could