Hi,how are you? I do hope you are alright,please let me know.
Hi again CR73
Thank you for asking how I am. I am OK but not using the site anymore as it’s not helping. I seem to be unusual in that I am elderly grieving my even more elderly mother and there are not many bereaved in this way on here. I will be thinking of you on 2 March which is your Dad’s special day and sending you my love and support to help you get through it. Thank you for all of your kind and thoughtful words of encouragement to help me. I shall never forget you. x
What nonsense, it doesn’t matter what age you are, the grief of losing your mum is the same. I’m 59, my mum was 88 and I’m heartbroken. I hope you will find some comfort from somewhere, if not here. I have found it helpful to realise that what I am feeling is normal grieving. It doesn’t matter who the lost loved one is, the pain and loneliness is the same!
Thinking of you.
Just want to say I am elderly too and have just lost my elderly mum. Just want you to know you are not the only one I am 64 and my mum was 89 but very young at heart.Grief hits everyone whatever age and everyone needs support.Please reconsider and use this wonderful site where everyone is valued and respected no matter what stage of grief they are going through. Don’t fight this monster on your own.A simple message on here will have replies that maybe sometimes will seem to you that they do not help you but in time you will realise they are worth their weight in GOLD.Hang on in there and hope you message soon.
Thinking of you
Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I am 74 and my Mum was 99. I looked after her for the last 14 years of her life and that in itself has taken a lot out of me. I now have a round of medical appointments to go through to get my own health back on track. When I’m feeling better in myself I will pop back here, I’m sure. Thank you again and I send you love, understanding and support as you go through this awful suffering and grief for your dear Mum. A Mum is so special and I find this quotation very apt: “love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation”. I knew I loved my Mum, but I didn’t realise how much until she died. Bless you and keep strong. Thinking of you and everyone using this site. xxxxxx
It’s nice to talk to you again! Yes, when you are a bit older yourself when you lose a parent many people think that because it’s the “natural” order of parents dying before their children and you’ve been blessed with their love, support and companionship for many years when they do die it should not hurt as much. Well it does hurt and I’m so lonely. Thank you for replying I’m so sorry you’re going through this excruciating pain and grief for your lovely Mum. I’m 74, Mum was 99. I couldn’t get her to 100 but boy, did she try! I send you all my love and support to help you wake up one day, see and feel the warmth of the sun on your face, and know that you’ve survived your great loss. Your description of grief as a monster is the best summing up I’ve ever seen! Take care lovely lady and thank you again I will try to check in here again - just got a string of medical appointments to get through first! Lots of love and thinking of you. xxxxxx
Am so glad you replied.
Been thinking about you.
I too have loads of appointments as I have recently had cancer so as you can imagine I have to go to all sorts of meetings,appointments at GP,hospital and oncology. I know they can be draining especially when you have to shoulder this awful monster of grief but stay on the site and let us know how you get on.The site is for YOU whatever you are going through including appointments etc. We all have had times when we want to withdraw from everyone and for a while maybe that’s the right thing to do but if you are lonely like you say you are then leaving this lovely site is not the right thing to do.Stay with us all while we help each other get through not the whole thing but to get through just each day until we feel we can manage without the site.
It really hurts when you lose your mum after being so close to her. I am going through every emotion possible at the moment and there are times when I just want to hide away from the world,shut the door on society and never speak to a sole again or write to anyone as is the case with online friends.However I realise my mum wouldn’t want me to do that and would want me to reach out to every possible avenue that could help me get through this awful time. I am sure your mum would want that for you too.
I hope you will post again or at least read the posts from other people because I am pretty sure you will gain strength from them even if you don’t reply to any.
Good luck with the medical appointments and don’t forget we are all here to help you fight this prehistoric monster of grief.
Will check in on you again soon
Thank you once again for your words of advice. I am so sorry to read about your battle with cancer and I hope that your illness has found a formidable opponent in you. Having to cope with that and the loss of your dear Mum may take you to the limits of your coping mechanisms but I get the feeling that you are a very strong, powerful lady who takes on the world without flinching. Plus you have taken me in hand which is no mean feat! I shall keep checking in on this site because it is the only place where I find sensible and sensitive advice from people who know how I am feeling. Some days it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other or just do normal day to day things but I force myself to do it because I know I have to. Thank you again and know that I am thinking of you. Take care. xxx
Hi again. I am back on the site. I have missed you all too much! Thinking of you as you go through your Dad’s funeral on 2 March and in the days up to it and the weeks, months and years which come after and sending love. xxx
I hope you are alright.x
I must say your post did make me laugh a little. First time in 2 mths. I used to be a Headteacher so guess I must have been strong. Retired now but my hubby says I still am as I boss him around lol. So glad you didn’t leave us. Post as and when you feel like it. There will always be a time when you need to reach out . I usually check late at night when for me it’s the worst.
Make a short list of to do things every evening for the next day and try to get some of them done. I started with 2 things then went up to 3 and so on. I ticked them off at the end of the day ( sorry that’s the teacher bit still in me ) and it gives a sense of achievement in a small way.
As for my cancer it was rather tragic at the time and underwent 3 major operations i spent 3 months recovering and couldn’t move from my bed My first trip was 40 miles away to see my mum as i wouldn’t let her visit me when i was ill in the state I was in . The first morning I was there the hosp phoned her house to say the consultant wanted to see her as she had gone for a scan without telling me.
I went with her for what was the start of 2 mths of appointments during which time they diagnosed her with lung cancer and cutting a long story short she had her lower left lobe of her lung removed and that was at 85 yrs of age bless her. I feel we both went through cancer together then 2 yrs ago she caught Covid and i had to stay with her to look after her. I caught it myself so we went through Covid together. Then this time she had a blockage in her small intestine and I just wanted to go through it with her. We had been together through so much.
I know how you feel when you say putting one foot in front of the other. Its so hard to do. I am having one of those days today but keep telling myself my mum wouldn’t want this to be the way for me She was made of steel like so many of her generation and would never sit around moping like this. I can almost sense her around me now saying Deb for goodness sake put the kettle on and lets have a cuppa. Everything was always better after a cuppa in her house.
Anyway glad you are fighting back from this monster
Will check in on you again soon
Thank you for your reply. I am glad I made you laugh but your strength really does shine through your messages. What a horrible few years you and your dear Mum have gone through together! Life is not easy, is it? I am battling on but some days are so hard. I feel today is going to be a hard day. Look after yourself, Deborah, and thank you again for caring. x
Thank you for messaging me at a time when I know how much you’re suffering. Not long to go now to your Dad’s special day on 2 March. Sending love to help you get through what will be such an emotional day for you and your family. You will cope although you may think it will be too hard for you but your love for your Dad will be your strength and I know you will do him proud on the day. Take care. No need to reply, just concentrate on your love for your Dad. All will be well. x
No problem at all in messaging you. It is a pleasure. I don’t know about me having strength though. If you could only have seen me the last few days you would say I had lost the plot with the amount of crying I have done. Am dreading tom as it’s the first big hurdle to get through. Tom in Wales it is St David’s Day and my mum was so proud of her welsh roots and every St David’s Day we would go for an afternoon tea somewhere after watching local school children sing in the centre of the town. My dad also died on St David’s Day 34 yrs ago so I used to try to make the day special for my mum rather than just take flowers to his grave and that was it. We used to do that the day before then on March 1st mum and I would go out early , shop til we dropped for an hour or so then have an afternoon tea somewhere really lovely. We even went for a Harry Potter afternoon tea once and on the table were all sorts of props like a witch’s hat, glasses, school tie etc. The cakes were made in little flower pots and the food was in small round birdcage things. We had such fun.
Today I can’t bring myself to put flowers on my fathers grave but tom I shall go to the town where mum lived and watch the children singing as we always did then just go to a local coffee shop for a cuppa. I can’t manage an afternoon tea this year.
For the tea after her funeral we had an afternoon tea based on a welsh theme so we had her welsh ornaments on the table eg minature dragons, lovespoons, welsh ladies and rugby balls. On the tables i put daffodils that she had planted last year in my garden and thankfully they opened in time . It was a little bit special for her anyway and I know she would have been thrilled had she seen it. I like to think she was there with us.
I still have so much to do. Mums ashes need to be put in the family grave and her house needs sorting ready to be sold in a few months. Am planning to sort things slowly and in my own time. Just a cupboard or wardrobe or even a draw each time i go there. That will be enough.
I have even started dreaming about mum. It has happened for the past 2 nights. Not sure what is happening but my dreams are so vivid. Think I am going crazy because I can remember so much detail. It has never happened before and mum has passed 8 weeks now. Maybe she sees me so upset so is trying to comfort me . I like to think that.
Am so glad you are still posting on here. I can see you are replying and reaching out to other people. Isn’t that a wonderful feeling . Other people are being helped by your kind words. Words speak volumes especially when we are all fighting this monster.
Just to say also that I had a scan last week and everything is under control as far as my cancer is concerned.
Thinking of you and will keep in touch
I do hope you see this little message. I have been thinking constantly of you. I am there with you today every minute. I have strength to give you to help you through it. Every thought I have today will be of you and your dear Dad. Deep within you is strength and courage borne of your love for your Dad and it is this love which will see you through today. Sending love and hugs. All will be well. xxxxxx
Thank you for telling me about how you and your Mum celebrated St David’s Day. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your description of it all and your Mum must have loved it. I did a DNA test a couple of years ago and I am proud to claim Welsh ancestry as I am 6% Welsh! I was interested to read that you’ve been dreaming about your Mum and how vivid the dreams are. I haven’t had any dreams about my Mum yet and she passed almost 3 months ago. Possibly my sub-conscious is protecting me by not letting me dream about her just yet. However I wish I could dream about her, I miss her so much! I’m glad your cancer scan was ok and I hope you’re feeling as well as you can, given the circumstances. I will touch base with you again in a few days or so. Look after yourself. xxx
Lovely to hear from you again.
So glad you are still posting.
I have had a few days of feeling very down. Can’t seem to move past feeling the most miserable I have ever felt,crying all the time,moping ,not eating properly and not sleeping. The realisation that my mum will never again so things such as coming to my house,coming in the car with me,seeing her favourite programme on TV and even shopping for food has all just got to me. I haven’t managed to leave the house much as I just don’t want to do anything. Yesterday I was supposed to collect her ashes but failed again for the second time. I really need to be stronger.
My son is away working at the moment but is coming home in two weeks so I really need to be better than what I am now.
Last night I googled everything about closed loops in bowel obstruction which is what mum died with.At her age she had no chance without an operation.The fact that she survived for five weeks was a miracle. She had had cancer,a blood clot in her lung and old age related problems but never in my wildest dreams did I think she would have a closed loop obstruction in her small intestine. I guess it was her time to go and something had to get her in the end despite me wrapping her in cotton wool.
It is always the people left behind that it is worse for. Carrying on some sort of life without them is extremely hard when you don’t really want to carry on.
I hope you are having a better day. The sun is shinning here today and normally I would be out in my garden doing all sorts of jobs. It upsets me even going out there at the moment as it’s full of daffodils that mum and I planted last year.We bought 3 sacks of daffodils and planted them last year cursing and laughing that I had bought too many and we were scratching our heads trying to find spaces to plant them Mum said next year you will have a fantastic show of daffs. Just wish she could see them I managed to have a few open ready for her funeral tea which made it special. I kept telling people my mum had planted them It made me feel she would have appreciated that.
Do you work at all or are you retired now.Thankfully I am retired so don’t have the added worry of going to work through all this grief.I would never have coped and really take my hat off to those bless them that go back to work. I just hope they get the support they need. Most workplaces are money orientated and programmed to reach all sorts of targets these days so any illness or absence is not always supported properly. Just awful.
Anyway I will write again and check on you in a day or two
Today was very very hard,i was happy with the funeral service and how it went,nice to see old faces from my childhood and friends of my dads too,i will be going to the cemetary tmra to have a closer look at the flowers/tributes…but it still doesnt feel real and i dont know why. It was only 10 weeks ago that i was at the very same grave with my dad (2 days before xmas-and he was crying over loosing my mom)and we visited her,then i took dad for a drink at a local pub.x
I feel so sad for you.Life is so cruel. You have been so so brave getting through today. I don’t know what to say to you. Please keep posting on here I am here for you and thinking about you