Guilt

My husband died suddenly 3 months ago from acute cardiac failure. He was 59. Even now, I sometimes can’t believe that he has actually gone and that he will never come back. I have just been sobbing my heart out because I am so lonely. But it’s no just the loneliness, it’s the thought that he may have been calling out in pain and I may not have heard because I was too drunk. I found him on a Saturday morning after a drunken night. We had both been drinking until the early hours. And then he went to bed; I fully intended to go up, but instead I fell asleep on the sofa. He was my lovely, kind, fun loving husband and I let him down. It crucifies me to think that he may have suffered on his own.

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Hi Fran,
So very sorry about what happened to your husband and the shock and trauma of what you went through. I am familiar as my dad passed in the same way, after a night out with my mom. She went to sleep in her bed, he went to watch TV in the den.
I am 100% certain that your husband did not suffer. A cardiac arrest might feel weird for a split moment, and then the oxygen is not available, the person loses consciousness very fast. He was likely asleep.
I know that doesnt bring him back but please dont feel badly or worry that you should have been there - it would not have changed the outcome. My family played out the same scenarios. Its just impossible to imagine that something this important in our lives and we are truly helpless.
I know the upcoming many months are going to be difficult. Just keep living and you will find your way through it. This forum is a great help for starters.
Be sure to eat and stay hydrated.
Warmly,
Ell

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I agree. I found my wife that morning after a good Friday night session. The way she was lying and the peaceful look on her face convinvinced my she never suffered. A heart attack like one of previous posts can come on so quickly you rendered unconscious immediately. No suffering. They call it the millionaires death you go to sleep and don’t wake up. I remember seeing a guy drop dead in Euston station of just such a phenomenon he was just walking past me, then bang. He was dead before it the floor. A good way to die.
Seoaris

So very sorry Seoaris that we are all in this situation and for you and your wife. I agree that it is a blessed way to go for them. Continuous mental torture for us left behind.
Unbelievable about the passenger in the train station - fine and living their life, and then over in a snap.
When you get very low, in those moments, I found it best to allow those waves to overtake me and not to resist. Knowing that the last moment did not define you or your lives together. Those low moments are part of this awful situation.
Ell

Yep we just on going and try and use our experiences to help others.
Elldubs,

All thru this terrible time have found nothing but kindness & compassion.
From other people. Even though it embarrasses them and obviously makes them feel uncomfortable. It as renewed my faith in the human race. Not all the negativity we see on the news. I think people are basically good. So maybe some good will come from this terrible experience.
With hope
Seoaris.

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Sorry fran, I replied to elldubs thinking it was you. But the post would still be the same.
Stay strong
& don’t feel guilt
You are not guilty of anything.
Seoaris

Elldubs,
Sorry I have to apologise to you for mistaking you for the other lassie.
But thanks for your kind words and concern.
Cheers
Seoaris.

Thanks Ell. Your explanation helps. I hope you are right. I just cant help going through things in my head. Thanks for your advice. I know you must be missing your Mom so thanks for taking the time to get back to me.
Fran.

Perhaps you are right Seoaris. When I found Neil he did not have a pained expression on his face.
Perhaps he did just go in his sleep - I hope so. Thanks so very much for taking the time to get back to me.
Fran.

Hi Elldubs
So So sorry I have just read your post again and realised that it was your Dad who passed away not your Mom. I misunderstood. Really Really sorry.
Fran.

Hi Fran,
I understood - thank you just the same.
Ell

Hello Fran I have just read your message and:wanted to let you know what happened to me. My lovely funny partner collapsed in cardiac arrest in front of me in April, there was absolutely no sign of pain ar all just litterally there one second, gone the next. He had a very faint heart beat after CPR but he never regained consciousness. I felt his last breath but he knew nothing, the pain is:all mine :broken_heart: X

Hi Margaret
So sad for your loss. All of us who have had sudden loss can relate to how utterly terrifying it feels.
Ty for sharing your eyewitness account. It truly helps to know for all of us that there is no suffering on their part.
My dad was in his armchair, feet up, remote in his hand. Never felt a thing.
And yes it is us who suffer, not them.
Hope you have some peace in your mind - it is really early for you in this grief.
Warmly,
Ell

Thank you so much that means a lot to me :heart:x

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Hi Fran,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I would just like to add that I definitely don’t think your husband suffered.
My husband who sadly died last September suffered 2 cardiac arrests. 1 in 2012 and 1 in 2013. Both times while out on his mountain bike his friend performed cpr each time and he had defib shocks to bring him back. He was so lucky those 2 times, no brain damage, and he said he never felt a thing just the most amazing peaceful feeling that he could never put into words. No pain at all.
He was fitted with a ICD that didn’t go well, punctured his heart sac. Was never the same person again. Very depressed and suicidal for 5 years he felt this purrring sensation inside his chest that would drive him insane. Many sleepless nights and bad days. We fort for 4 years to get it removed and eventually had it taken out and replaced with a S-ICD. Unfortunately after a symptom free year and no purring he had another arrest at home our son Performed cpr until paramedics came. They fort for a couple of hours at home and then in hospital but to no avail. I really do feel he’s at peace now. Was a very hard 8 years from start to finish. We had been together since age 14 so had 40 Wonderful years together and blessed with 3 wonderful children. He always felt he should have gone the first time. But we did have a lot of happy memories too especially in the last year of his life he felt free again. I Feel absolutely heart broken he is no longer with me and miss him soo much. But also feel immensely grateful to have had my soul mate for so long. :heart:
I hope this helps in some way.

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Cheryl,
Thank you for sharing your story. I have felt so alone before reading how others have gone through this horrendous experience x

Hi Margaret, It’s been the first time I’ve actually been able to write about my experience. And it still feels like I’m talking about someone else. I don’t know if you ever come to terms with the lose, this last 13months still feels like a blur.
It is so very lonely. Such a lot of thoughts feelings and emotions going on isn’t there?
It’s been so sad but nice to make contact with people that are experiencing the same.
One of the best things that has happened to me is my son took me to see a poochon puppy on Mother’s Day. I was so apprehensive as I hadn’t had one before. I cried the night before And the morning I brought her home. Wondering how could I take care of her when I was just about getting through each day myself. But I can say hand on heart she is the best thing ever. She’s called Maisy. She comforts me And gives me purpose and is there in the middle of the night for a cuddle. Her love is unconditional. She gets me out of the house and I have met some lovely people. I have my 3 children And they have been fantastic but they have there own life’s and am conscious about putting too much on them as they too struggle. I’m not young but not old neither 54 and feel I have a little companion for hopefully many years. And also feel able to go away with her. I would never have considered going on my own. I recently took her to Portugal and we had a great time together. Walking in the mountains even took her on a kayak. Me and my husband always did stuff like that together. I feel closer to him. And Maisy loved it. Hopefully once this lockdown is over we will be able to have more adventures.
Take care. :heart:

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Cheryl; I am so pleased you now have your little dog and how lovely you took him on holiday with you, They really are great companions. I have 2 cats which also are my life savers only I wish I could take them for:a walk​:blush:. I know what you mean about feeling close to your partner. I llove playing the music he loved of which I never was a fan but now just love it. 54 is young to be left without your solemate I am 58 and my partner was 60. We met late in life and have no children but I am lucky to have some very good friends when covid permits. Nothing replaces the closeness we shared with our partners and the time we spent planning for the future but I am so thankful for the very happy years we had together . I know this is going to be a long process :heart: x

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Dear Fran,
I know the pain you are feeling as my beautiful son aged 53 died suddenly while running for a childrens charity on Good Friday the 19th April 2019…with an acute heart attack…I can only say to you to take one day at a time,that is all we are given…I am not a religious person but something has happened to us since our wonderful son passed into the spirit world…
… we now know that this is not all there is…our boy comforts us constantly sending signs to us that he is Safe and all right…2 days after he passed we were in a state of shock and that night a black bird flew into our bedroom, he flew around and around. You see our son loved birds in particular and all animals. He was the kindest nicest soul you could ever wish to meet…since then the signs keep coming him from him in all ways, through flashing lights the TV and especially animals. We know our son is comforting us and letting us know he is all right…, THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS…Death is a part of life and our loved ones have merely moved into the other room…When we cry we weep for ourselves… this is natural… But if you think about it what would your dear husband want for you? He would want you to take a day at a time and live your life!!! Dont waste time on negative thoughts… its pointless…yes our lives will never be the same again but you can and will move on…When someone you love dies suddenly , its natural to think Why didnt’ I do this that or the other!!! but there is no point. Think of the happy times as that is what your husband would want you to feel Fran… We are only passing through and when our number is on it we will go and be re united. I find reading up on Near Death Experiences NDE comforting. Take care dear Fran and always remember WE ONLY HAVE TODAY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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Guilt is central to grief. Everyone of us who lose someone feels the guilt we didn’t do enough. Don’t focus on that.

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