It is now 6 months since my wife,best friend and soulmate died.we were together for 31 years.
From diagnosis to her passing was only 10 months.
It was no hardship for me to take her to her appointments,chemo etc and she always said she didnt know what she would do without me.
In the last 4 weeks she was mostly in bed at home sleeping alot.She wasnt eating just drinking liquids.
I would sit on the bed with her and when she fell asleep i would go downstairs and do household jobs.
I am always on the go and find it hard to sit still for 5 minutes.
One particular day when she was in bed watching telly i sat with her for a while then went downstairs for a little while went back up sat with her again and did this most of the day but when i went back up at say 3pm she went mad with me saying why cant i sit with her all the time.I apologised to her and she was very upset.
To this day i cannot get that out of my mind and feel so guilty about it.The guilt is killing me.
We were very very close and i was her carer doing everything for her which i loved doing but that one time i cant stop thinking about,as if i let her down.
Has anybody else felt this and how do you overcome it?
Hi
I am so sorry for your loss… I can relate to this but in a different way I to feel guilty my partner just 5 weeks ago passed and all I keep thinking about is the things I didn’t do… I to took him to most of his appointments sat outside the hospital when he had chemo due to COVID I could t go in but all my mind is filled with is everything I did not do. I think we have to be kind to ourselves…
You may not of that one time sat with your wife but she knew just how much you was there for her like my partner knew how much I was there for him… I know he knew that. I think what I am trying to say is be kind to yourself it’s a massive thing to go through and think of all the things you did do rather than the one thing that you didn’t… big hugs to you x
Thankyou Nic.
I am so sorry for your loss.You will be going through all sorts of emotions.
Your words are of great comfort to me.
We had a wonderful relationship and like you say think about all the good times.
I am so glad you found comfort in my words and I meant it be kind to yourself no one can prepare you for something like this to happen there is no right and no wrong. We are are own worst enemy so think of all the good times….
Hi Steve
Guilt is there and we can torment ourselves with it
Try to let go!! Your probably got upset because she wasn’t well - at the time you did what you felt it was right - we can only do what it feels right at the time
I feel guilty that I took our marriage for granted assuming emergency would be together for ever more
I feel guilt that at times I wasn’t more patient, I feel guilty that I couldn’t see Jack was ill - he look so health , he was so well but ge was ill and we never guessed!!
And I also know - that I feel like this hoping that my guilt maybe can bring him back!!
I know that I really did what it felt right at the time and I know that Jack knew that I loved/live him and the rest is of no consequence!!
I lost my hubby 2 months ago and I worry that my life choices impacted on our ability to travel and do lots of other things ‘normal’ couple enjoy. He died at just 59 and I just took for granted that we would have time. Every single day I cry thinking I want to say sorry and if I could I would turn back the clock and make different choices
Hi
I am so sorry for your loss…. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with… I met my boyfriend for just a short 3 years half of which was his illness it has absolutely wiped me out he was 46 and I saw so much to much and it will live with me forever. I to beat myself up asking myself did I do enough was I patient enough I felt sometimes I did not know how to cope with the situation how does anyone know… I think we are really troubled by our own thoughts sometimes when your in the moment of something you don’t think or can’t think properly it’s only after you think if only I would of done this or said that it’s torture but there is no right of r wrong you do what you feel at the time and it’s a massive thing for anyone to have to go through.
Take care of yourself and be proud of yourself x
I dont know how we will rid ourselfs of the guilt but we have to.We must be loving caring people otherwise it wouldnt bother us.Maybe we have to learn to bury it at the back of our minds or it will destroy us.They say grief is the price you pay for love.So true x
I think we have to think of all the good we did for our other halves I do feel I gave it my best shot and I was there for him through everything…as much as I could be… I slept up hospitals with him and was sleeping at the hospice which absolutely broke me heart… my situation was maybe different from a lot of others on here as I did not live with my partner so that put a lot of stress on me because I was not there the whole time and I now feel bad for that but I just couldn’t be it was not possible. His story got so much worse than just his illness as a year ago my partner lost his ex partner and they had a 6 year old little boy together who then went to live with my boyfriend… he was also fighting for his life
I am left with so much sadness and I really hope he knew that I was there for him
I find the weekends the worst as we was always together I know maybe some may think my story is not like there’s because I had not been living with my partner or even married but the whole process I feel like we was a married couple because we went through so much together. I am truly broken and life without him is miserable… I am full of why has this happened and my feelings are so over whelming it’s so painful x
On Steve, I am so sorry. Being a carer is so very difficult, and you sound like you were a wonderful carer and husband. My Mum, who I cared for, for a long time, also got upset with me shortly before her death. She said she was fed up with being alone although I was going four times a day. I think it’s also very hard being the cared for person. One of the frailty nurses explained to me that severe illness can cause changes in the brain causing them to act out of character, with hindsight I can see that with Mum. The guilt I carry though can be overwhelming at times. I agree with the person who said you feel guilty because you are such a caring person. Ultimately, you did your best and your wife surely knew how much you loved and cared for her. Don’t let that one isolated incident stop you believing that.
I felt like this my husband died in his sleep and I wasn’t in the room
He was in a hospital bed at home and I cared for him the nurse who came in to see him that morning said he had about a week and he died that night I was in the other bedroom there was no room for another bed where my lovely husband was and he just slipped away without me I will never get over it as long as I live I will always feel guilty I wasn’t with him I wish I was with him now My friend. A district nurse said that sometimes they wait until you are out of the room and then they pass away so they don’t upset you Sorry just thinking about him being on his own makes me cry I hugged and kissed him but he was gone
I’m so very sad writing this through my tears I wish he could walk through the door just one more time so I could tell him I’m sorry and I loved him more than life itself Thanks for listening xxx
Like others have said on hete, the guilt we feel is because we cared and loved our loved one so much.
Trouble is the guilt i feel is what i deserve because I wished I moaned more at my partner in that he should of took time off work while COVID was at its peak, he had underlying health conditions, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt especially when he strongly felt he would catch COVID, I just looked at him when he said it, I dont know why I just didn’t say take time off work until he was vaccinated. I must admit I gave up as he was strong minded so I felt what I’d say didn’t matter, but now I wish I nagged him more, maybe he would of listened, I so regret not nagging him, it eats at me everyday to the point I can’t take it anymore.
Sending big hugs to all going through this painful time in our lives.
Amy x
The thing is we always say after stuff has happened why didn’t I do this or do that but the truth is we aren’t to know what is round the corner or we would of maybe said do this or don’t do that. It’s such a hard part of life and blaming ourselves is all we have but it’s not our fault. COVID does not care who it takes down same as cancer like my partner but one thing is for sure we love them and never would we expect the out come as it is. I to have my own guilts daily about stuff with paul but I have to keep telling myself I did the best I could in an absolutly terrible situation… I was there for him but I still feel did I do enough I hope in time that guilt eases because I think he knew I was a good woman in his awful times x
Like your husband who was to know that would of happened you don’t think that will happen to you or yours so don’t blame yourself he wouldn’t of wanted that x x
Vicky7 you have described our circumstances exactly! I spent over 30 years following my hobby of showing dogs, my husband even though he did like the dogs went along with it for me. Having the dogs was very tying & we couldn’t go on holidays & if we went out for the day we would always have to rush home for the dogs.
I had decided to give up the shows & when the remaining dogs had passed on I wouldn’t have any more so we could start to do other things. I also thought we had time but we didn’t my husband died from a pulmonary embolism following an op he had on his ankle in July, he was 61. I left it to late, took it for granted. Now I am left with the guilt.
Reading this is a mirror image of my life but my responsibilities are with 9 rescue parrots. Hubby and I hadn’t been away together since 2006. I volunteer for a rescue and have kept the more ‘difficult’ ones that are harder to rehome. One of them needs medication for seizures 4 times a day so even a day out became a logistical nightmare recently. I cannot get over the feeling that hubby would have had a better life and travelled to all this places he was so keen to visit but my passion prevented it and I am so full of guilt too. He loved the birds and was actively involved with them but …………I am full of regret as I always thought we’d have so much more time. He died on 5th September totally unexpectedly and now I will never be able to make it up to him
We managed to get away for a week 4 years ago, a friends daughter who has the same breed as me came & looked after the dogs, we did the north coast 500 in Scotland on our motorbikes with a group of friends. We both absolutely loved it & had a great time, we had plans once the dogs were gone to tour Ireland & go to the TT on the Isle Of Man.
I also have huge regrets but we can’t undo the past, neither of us had any idea that this was going to happen to our husbands.
Dear Liz. It must have been heartbreaking for you when your husband passed away without you there but the district nurse is right in that there is a thought that many loved ones go quietly to spare any upset. It happens all the time. I was fortunate to be with my husband day and night for the last 3 weeks of his life but it was very painful. He suffered so much and the last 15 minutes of his life was awful to witness as he gasped so hard and loudly his whole body was heaving. To watch him like this and be unable to help was devastating. This is the last memory I have of him and it wont go away. Your last memory is of your lovely husband in total peace. This is how it was when my Mum died a few years ago as I arrived five minutes after she died, but she looked so peaceful. Therefore, seeing how my husband went was quite a shock as I expected a peaceful drifting away. That said, I am forever grateful that I was there to hold his hand. Be glad that your husband was in peace and remember him that way. xx
Steve, others have replied to your post saying how so many of us are racked with guilt after our partner dies. I, too, was like you as my hubby became quite demanding at times and after he passed away I kept thinking of lots of little things that I did or things I didn’t do that I should have done - without focussing on all the commitment and dedicated care I had provided. My husband’s ashes are in the garden and I wrote a long letter to him telling him how I felt, saying sorry for some things but then recording the wonderful things and times we had had together (we had been married 49 years). I ended up doing two pages and then I buried it alongside his ashes. It is amazing how cathartic it was to write it down and it made me feel so much better. Many of us who have had to care for poorly and dying loved ones have to remember that it is not easy. We will do and say things that, in hindsight, we wished we hadn’t but we cannot let it overshadow the good and selfless caring we provided most of the time. I’m sure that most people on this site will feel they could have done more but we are human and can only do what we do at the time. You are not alone and what you are feeling is natural. Hope you are feeling better soon. x
