Hi Angelalousia
Yes we all put on a show for others ‘……acting’
We all deserve Oscars
Underneath as you say totally different story
Take care
X
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Morning Ali29
Every word you have written sums up my feelings exactly and how Paul was with me
He did everything to make me happy
Yes the guilt and yes Paul worked all his life only gave up 5 weeks before he died 36 weeks tonight at 5.57 pm
Yes worked hard putting money in his pension
Yes he left me financially sound but it’s bitter sweet
It was for our / his retirement
Only bloody cancer had a different view and took Paul away from me just 68
He never will enjoy his retirement
I miss him so so much
Guilt is always there I know it’s early days but I’m bereft alone with a broken heart
I just don’t know if I can manage the ‘future’
My future was Paul and like everyone on here I’m totally utterly lost
Big hugs to all
Xx
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Oh
And I carnt stop crying…. Paul would be the first to say ‘ come in’
I carnt
Tears flow with pain
Xx
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Yes I so know where you are coming from, every part of the guilts & yes it is draining. I know my partner would have been able to cope better than me but the pain is so hard! She would be screaming at my now though for what I was thinking & feeling but we have been left in this horrible existence & it’s almost impossible xx
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Morning Emz
I agree with you 100%
Paul would’ve found all the paperwork stuff ( you know all the stuff you have to do after their passing) harder than me but now 36 weeks on I think Paul definitely would be coping better than me……
I find it’s the guilt
It’s the conversations in my head
It’s the why’s
It’s the what ifs
It’s the selfish why the bloody hell did cancer come to us
I once said that to Paul his reply
Why not it has to be somebody why not us
I’m not coping at all
Tears flow now constantly
Paul never had the opportunity to retire
The this that and the others constantly in my head
Lovely sunny days Paul will never see
I’m in a living hell place my pain is real
My heart is broken
My life ended
I keep thinking
We’ll never do this again
Or that again
He’ll never ring me and vice versa
Never see him again
Never have a conversation again
Never sit in the car together
The list is just endless and goes on and on and on….
Emz sheer hell with you all the way
Take care
Xx
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I also say, I think my partner would cope better than me, but now I don’t know. I think, a lot like me, he would have filled his life with distraction to get through but I can only assume how he would be because until it happens to you , you don’t know how you’ll react. We relied on each other so much but we also had many years on our own, before we met, where we survived life and managed all our own household stuff.
I always said to him, ‘im not with you because I need to be, I’m with you because I want to be’. I felt there was a difference.
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It will be 3 years tomorrow since my husband of 47 years was put into the ambulance and I never set eyes on him again he died 5 days later of covid . I am so glad it was him and not me be because I couldnt bear to think of him going through this pain and loneliness I know he would not have been able to cope , he always said jokingly I am going to go before you because you are not leaving me on my own little did we know it would be so soon 
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Hi all
I wasn’t being heartless when I said Paul would’ve coped better than me
Who knows actually
My mate said we were like salt and pepper
The Macmillian nurse said we were like a stick of rock
Paul’s name in mine and vice versa
He looked out for me and vice versa that’s what you do
I have no one to look out for me we have no family
Like you all I feel so alone
Everyone in my eyes have someone I have no one
Paul always said I’ll go before you, you are built like your mum ( she’s 91 in October) net like you did we think that would be the case
Paul would be heartbroken maybe he wouldn’t of coped
He would of missed the same things I’m missing
I would never want anyone to feel like this but sadly we on here do……
Future who knows
Folks are planning stuff
Looking forward to
Having a life
It’s all I’m doing to get through the day
Sorry folks for the gloom but you all know where I’m coming from
It’s just shit ( sorry)
Xx
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It is shit and nobody knows how it feels until it happens to you. I am fed up of people thinking three years on i should be getting on with my life I feel like shouting at them I DONT WANT TO without my Ian
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Hi Mari
True bloody true
You certainly find your friends don’t you……
Grieving twice
For our loved one
And for the life we’ve lost
We just want it all back
Big hugsxx
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The guilt is horrendous isnt it. I feel guilty for being here, for being financially secure, for the odd day that i dont cry, for the odd time that i laugh or smile, for enjoying my/our new dog., (Ii cant say my or mine), for enjoying a nice day in the garden. All these things he should be here enjoying too. Why isnt he!! Its just s### isnt it
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When my partner’s cancer returned, her treatment was brutal - the chemo really took it’s toll on her and we had some frank discussions around the future, death & dying etc and one thing I said to her was that I never wanted to look back with regret around not doing enough for her. She allowed me to care for her, and when the treatment was stopped because it wasn’t working we became even closer and it meant a lot to me that she trusted me to have her back and to let her to live the last months of her life as she wanted to. Yes, I didn’t always get it right, but she was able to pass on her own terms, at home without being surrounded by nurses and noisy machines in a hospital. This has helped me with my grief - in fact I think I did a lot of my grieving in the year from when the treatment was stopped to when she died. I do miss her - the house is a lonely place without her but it gives me some peace that we had that time together, said everything to each other that we wanted to say, and that I was able to care for her in the way she would have done for me. I would have swapped places with her in an instant, but life isn’t like that and I know that she would want me to get on with life after the 25 years we had together. I remember the good (& not so good) times and try not to feel sorry for myself. Easier said than done sometimes, but every day is another day of the healing process.
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Hi just some bloke
Yes like you Paul told the Macmillan nurses he wanted to stay at home only if it was ok with me
Independently the Macmillan nurses asked me where I wanted Paul to be
I said only if Paul wants to I would like him at home
At home he was
This conversation took place on the Tuesday morning
Paul died that Sunday evening 5.57pm
Reading your post has made me realise how special that time was
I knew it was special but……
It’s just so hard
We have a life but I want my old life
I just want my Paul
Life is so so precious and like everything in life we don’t realise it till it’s gone
And that’s the shit part
Take care
Xx
Hi Bess1
We have our memories, photos etc which can help. We have a life - it’s not our old life but at least we have a life and I guess it’s up to us how we walk it. Caring is hard, especially when you know that whatever you do, however hard you try, the outcome will be the same. You are lucky you had MacMillan - we never heard a peep from them in 3 years.
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Hi Ali
Don’t feel guilty thinking about happiness/being happy. Perhaps we can honour our loved ones who have passed by making the most of our new lives. I don’t think they would want us to spend the rest of our lives being unhappy. I wish you all the best.
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@JustSomeBloke
Thank you. The last couple of days have been good. I’ve been out with family and friends. I’m waiting for the guilt, kick back, but it’s not happened. I know he would want me to get on and live. I owe it to him to do that because he can’t. Do I feel ok? Not completely but I can’t sit at home crying all day , that’s no good for anyone and if he could see me, he would hate to watch me suffering.
It’s good that you can go out with family & friends. I find sometimes the grief takes me by surprise - something I read, or a song or even something on the TV. Sitting at home isn’t always a good thing altho’ sometimes I’m ready for the silence after a busy day. (You owe it to yourself remember - not anyone else but I know what you mean).
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Oh definitely! Thing I find hard is the no contact. We always text and called each other, going to work, on the way home, texts during the day. I miss that!
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Sending hugs @Bess1 and loads of admiration for what you did.
I feel sure Richard would struggle more in that he would hold all the grief in whereas I talk to people, cry and write. He was also a glass half empty person whereas I tend to look for positives in any situation.
@Skip I’m beginning to control the guilty feelings and know that better days are NOT a sign that I didn’t love him as much as I thought which is how I first saw them.
@JustSomeBloke (love the name by the way) it sounds as if you really did well for your partner so you should be proud. She knew you loved her and did all that through love.
Karen xxx
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Thanks KarenF