Hi lost my partner of 43 years 6 weeks ago and I feel so guilty because I was not in the same room when she died she was in her own bed at home with after coming home from hospital because that is were she wanted to be she died after 2nights a nurse called to speak with me and I left the room and must have only been 10 maybe 15 minutes after that she died and I can’t forgive myself that will be with me forever
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I feel for you, my wife died alone in the bath, I was having a doze down stairs, the guilt monster tries to invade your mind at any stage of your grief, do not let this stay with you it’s grief doing its thing.
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Thanks for that but I just can’t shake it off just now spoke to my son about it he says the same thing it’s what called the guilty monster having it’s way
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Guilt seems to be par for the course. Sometimes we just have to accept we are human, we cant get everything perfect.
Please accept that 6 weeks is a very short time in our journey, keep trying to be realistic and tell yourself time and time again you have no responsibilty for what happened. Bit by bit we begin to believe it and the bad memories like this fade away to be replaced by one of the thousands of good ones you have.
Be confident in yourself!
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When my wifes mother died my wife said that her mother waited untill she was alone before she died to spare her family the trauma,if that’s true it would mean that her last ever thought was for them.
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Mr1Horace
So very sorry for your loss take care,
8 months ago I lost my husband to a cardiac arrest whist driving
He passed away in hospital 2 hours later and I feel the same could I have done more
It’s a horrendous feeling
Sue
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I think that grief makes us lose our reasoning and makes us think that looking at events with hindsight makes us think that we should have known what would happen, most of us are not medical people,even if we were we could not predict exactly what may happen, I’ve been through this guilt crap a few times and no doubt will go through it again,I never had the chance to say goodbye but to say goodbye my wife would have had to know she was dying instead of dying instantly without suffering.
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Thanks for the support sorry for your loss
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Thanks for the support
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Hi bootsie Thanks for support
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You’re welcome mate,we all need all the help we can get.
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@bootsie
That is so true. One of the nurses at the hospital said the same thing to me, she said she had seen it happen so many times.
I went out of the room after being there all day and my lovely husband slipped away peacefully. I take comfort from this as I know he loved me very much and he spared me having to watch him go.
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Hi I’m so sorry for your loss it is eating away at me but I was not far away but it feels like I have let my wife strange has that may sound
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Yeh its terrible how all these little things prey on our minds … why did i do that , why didnt i do that ? It just goes on and on … so many regrets … its 6 months since i lost my husband and still cant believe hes not here … he was such a larger than life character with a soft centre and i loved him so much 
xx
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I hope you find your peace like hope that I will eventually however long it takes all the best
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@Mr1Horace @bootsie @Alir There is something you should perhaps know, please let me explain.
My darling wife Sharon was diagnosed out of the blue on 30th July 2019 with incurable Stage 4 pancreatic cancer with multiple lesions having already spread to her liver. At that stage we had been together for 42 years, and she was only 59. They gave her 6-12 weeks to live and said she would not see 2020. Sharon defied them all, refused to surrender and didn’t want to leave our perfect life together. She endured 40 devastating chemotherapires (totally unheard of), 13 emergency admissions to hospital, several surgical procedures - and I took her to Venice for her 60th birthday (secretly flew her family out on the day) and took her for our Ruby anniversary to Australia as the World was shutting down with covid.
Eventually, in 2021 - in hospital for kidney failure, the doctors decided to stop treatment saying Sharon only had 3-4 days to live. I had her transferred to a Hospice by ambulance the next day (Christmas Day) and as per her (and my) wishes refused to leave her side 24/7 (which the Hospice accommodated) and slept beside her on a chair or camp bed. Sharon still defied them all and refused to leave, for 5 months, during which time I lived in the Hospice at her bedside. Eventually, unable to eat, drink, swallow for a couple of weeks they told me one night that she would not see the dawn, so I climbed into her bed and her her in my arms all night. However, she still refused to go and was still with us, in my arms the next morning. The doctors couldn’t believe it. The following night, again they said she had only a very few hours and would pass on the night for certain so I held her in my arms all night, but again she refused to leave our perfect life together. And the next night - totally defying all medical science, she did exactly the same thing.
So - apologies for the long post, but this is important and may alleviate your guilt - the point of the story… At 10.00pm the following evening, the nurses came in to prepare Sharon for the night, so I said to my darling: “I’ll have a quick wee, and jump in with you in a minute Sweetie” and had a swift pee in the en-suite. When I returned 2 minutes later, got my kit off as the Staff Nurse was preparing the bed etc, she suddenly turned and said: “Oh Dennis, I think you might need to look at Sharon”. I went to my darling girl, held her, but she’d literally just that second gone. I asked her: “why? Why Sharon? My angel. Why did you not wait? Why?”.
The SN explained that this is VERY COMMON (the Hospice deals with c 2 deaths every day so they are experts) - and that Sharon’s last thought was to protect me; she didn’t want me to deal with the shock of her passing in my arms, she was saving me as much as possible. I couldn’t accept this. Two other nurses told me the same but I still didn’t get it. I revisited the Hospice 19 times for counselling and to give wholesale boxes of chocolates to the nurses on the ward - and every time they told me how common this is, and anonymously quoted loads and loads of other stories. Eventually, I got it - my darling girl and I had the best life possible, and she tried desperately not to leave me, but when she really couldn’t hang on any more, her last thought was for me. My face is leaking while I write this.
So: if your partner went when you weren’t there, it is because they love you and wanted to protect you. So you do not need to feel guilty, they woulnt want that anyway…
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Ho Dennis that I know was a horrible thing to have to deal with I am so sorry for your loss and pain I to held my Eve but it was after she went your story has helped but the guilt is still there we will get through it in time I’m told and I will love my Eve until I am no longer here please take care
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@Mr1Horace oh yes, I held Sharon in my arms for hours afterwards, the nurses left us alone… And of course, we will never stop loving them, nor them us…
@DennisS
Dear DennisS
I have just read your post and my heart breaks for you.
Your lovely Sharon was a true warrior and the love she had for you comes through so clearly when reading your story.
All I can say is that lots of us are so very lucky to have found true love land have been loved back. Like the late queen said " grief is the price of love" it’s so very true.
I don’t know if you believe in God but I was thinking the other day that although it will seem such a long time that we are apart from our loved ones it will seem like no time at all when we are reunited.
Sending hugs and strength xx
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