She is dead and gone and I can’t cope anymore. The anger, desperation and thought of what seems like an insurmountable future, is overwhelming. At night I go to bed hoping that I don’t ever wake up only to snap awake at all sorts of hours unable to breath. Each morning I look at the day ahead and ask myself, “Do I have to do this all over again?” Just getting into the shower, making a meal or going out my front door takes a tremendous effort. At first the thought of suicide would pop into my mind and I would stamp it down immediately. But as time goes by I find myself systematically putting all my affairs in order and actually planning it. Just feel like I’ve had enough.
Chris I feel your pain please get some help.That is not the answer. Do you have family and friends. My brother has left an enormous mess. He took his life last year after his wife died. It is not and never can be an answer. He has left so many people heart broken.Howcan any of us get over this loss. Please reach out even if only on this site so many people are feeling as you do. Some how they findinner strength to getup each day and try to live for their loved ones. Think of the ripple effect in a pond, not just the loss of your wife but please, please visit your doctor or ring Samaritans. Do try to get help. Looks at charity SOBS. Survivors of Bereavement after suicide. Please please do.
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Hi Chris,
I’m so sorry to hear that she is dead and you can’t cope. I was very worried to read that you are making plans to end your life.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
We can contact your GP on your behalf, if that would help - if you would like us to do so, please send us your details and your GP’s details by email to online.community@sueryder.org (don’t post these details on the forum, for privacy reasons)
Even if you aren’t at risk of harming yourself now, it’s still important to reach out and get some support. The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org)
If you would find talking to a bereavement counsellor helpful then this is something we offer through the community. This service is free and sessions are held over video chat so you can attend from home. We can arrange an appointment for you or there’s more information about how to register here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling
It’s really important that keep yourself safe, Chris. There is support out there, so please reach out to one of these services.
We care about you and you deserve to get help.
Be safe,
Priscilla
Community Manager
Hello Chris. How you are feeling is just the same as so many of us. Another miserable day, another day of mixed emotions, another day to miss our loved ones more than ever. Another day of fear and confusion. It’s all so hard and most of us have come to the conclusion at one time or other that this life is just too much like hard work. I sat looking at my husbands tablets by his side the day he died and thought how easy it would be to lie beside him and go with him. But life is a precious gift and we have no right to give up on it because life get’s tough. Yes I can truthfully say that there have been times when I say. “I’ve had enough”. Thankfully I do my best to keep going. I find things I like to do like walking in the beautiful countryside where I live. I grow vegetables and myself busy. All therapeutic. I have my dogs who need me. I have family who have been good to me. Find something to take you out of these black moods, anything. Walk, ride a bike, go for a bus ride or a drive out in the car.
Call Samaritans if you need to talk or stay with us on the forum we know how you feel, your not on your own through this rough journey. Please get help as you have been advised. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
God bless
xx
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Hi Chris please believe us we have all been where you are now, talk to us, someone, anyone. You are not alone. X
If life is a gift then it’s like one of those terrible Christmas presents everyone seems to get where you smile politely and make your thanks but inside all you can say to yourself is, “What the hell were they thinking giving me that?” No, I don’t / can’t see it as a gift. Just a living hell. Funny really that I use a term like hell as I’ve always thought the concept of such a place illogical. Rationale – that’s always been my attitude to everything. My approach to life’s setbacks, challenges and problems has in a large part taken a logical approach. A problem solver - that’s me. Counselling just doesn’t seem to work and is nothing more than an endless cycle like some grotesque merry-go-round. Being a writer I’ve even tried writing it out my system but nothing seems to work. And so here I am having these thoughts in what seems to be (to me anyway) exactly the same logical rational manner I’ve employed with everything else.
I appreciate all of your kind words. It’s said that the eyes are the windows to the soul but I don’t think so. I think words are. Thanks to all that have replied both privately and on the forum.
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morning Chris just checking in with you before I go to work.
I too am a logical person, the thought of counselling appalled me, it works for some people but not when you are of the mindset most logical people are.
My thoughts were I have the facts why can’t I deal wIth them, people in my every day couldn’t possibly understand (on the whole they can’t because we are my friend now part of a group of the left behinds ) yes most have lost someone but there are so many unquie factors to each loss. i initially rebuffed people’s advice and words, I do not believe in God so I refused to believe it was a path or he had a reason but I do believe that my hubby will always be with me because he is in my heart, I too took your approach getting my affairs in order, showing and telling my children where things were, cancelling subscriptions etc etc. People like us came and said no no no you can’t etc, it didn’t make a difference but my thoughts turned to my hubby and how much he would frown on what I was doing and how angry he would be that he fought so hard for his life and here was I willing to do what I was contemplating, as the hours turned into days, weeks etc, the dark thoughts have receded , the pain is a burden that Incarry round with me on the whole silently as people have moved on and I try to be mindful but the tears still flow when and if they need. I am not ashamed of my grief in a silly round about way I relish it because it reminds me so vividly of my darling husband BUT I also know that if we allow these unhealthy thoughts fester we cannot move forward please note I did not say on simply forward, most days now are still a struggle but I can feel a change not a big one where a the hours days etc are getting ‘easier’ . There are lots of help for you all you have to do is reach out somebody somewhere will grab you. I hope you hear not necessarily the words people are saying to you at the moment but the understanding behind them. Take care.
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Dear Chris, I was Deputy Director of a branch of the Samaritans in my home town. Please believe me, Chris, when I tell you that suicide is a very courageous thing to do. BUT think about the trail of sorrow which you would be leaving. I have spoken to people who have tried to take their lives and the majority of them have been very pleased that they didn’t suceed. Please keep in touch with this wonderful group of people and remember that we are all going through the same thing, we are individuals and may have reacted differently to our bereavment, but I am sure that our loved ones would want us to “live again”. God Bless, MaryL
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Dear Chris, I was Deputy Director of a branch of the Samaritans in my home town. Please believe me, Chris, when I tell you that suicide is a very courageous thing to do. BUT think about the trail of sorrow which you would be leaving. I have spoken to people who have tried to take their lives and the majority of them have been very pleased that they didn’t suceed. Please keep in touch with this wonderful group of people and remember that we are all going through the same thing, we are individuals and may have reacted differently to our bereavment, but I am sure that our loved ones would want us to “live again”. God Bless, MaryL
All the messages I have received are nice and well intentioned. And you are right MaryL there are so many wonderful people here that have shown an enormous amount of generosity. Each story shared has made me feel quite humbled. But at the same time their stories only seem to give credence to my own feelings. Whoever said time was a great healer? What a load of tosh! It’s one of those platitudes that I hear over and over again. More than two years since she died and I’m feeling even worse now than I did at the beginning. GP’s just want to give me pills and no end of counselling just sends me round in never ending circles. The anger, the guilt, the feeling of being cheated – the helplessness – all have this tremendous weight. A weight I just can’t carry for much longer. I’m exhausted. I have to put it down one way or the other but I haven’t found out how.
Hello Chris. I’m sorry you don’t feel that life is a gift. At the moment, I agree it’s must seem like rubbish but I think back to when I had my Brian with me and know that our life together was a gift. I had and received love I wouldn’t have wanted out of it then.
I’m with you on going to a Doctor. How can a pill take away this pain, no quick fix. I tried counselling and I’m also not the sort to sit and pour my heart out to a stranger however I managed to get through it, but didn’t think it did me any good. I’m now a firm believer that the healing has to come from within, we are the only ones that can help ourselves and believe me I know its so very hard.
I suppose when I think back to when I first lost Brian I was planning an end. I decided to sort out everything at home so as not to leave them problems. I gave myself six months but after a few months I had a health scare and this jolted me out of my thinking this way. I didn’t want to leave this world, there was things I wanted to do. I have my two lovely dogs who have literally kept me alive some days with their love and company, I owe them so much. They have made me get up in the morning and go for a long walk, they have given me something to look after other than myself. They have made me laugh at their antics. and my house never seems lonely and empty with them in it. So I owed them a debt of gratitude and they needed me around to look after them.
I’m still a lost soul, empty, anxious and fearful when I have never been any of these things before, but I do now manage to see that distant light from time to time and determined to reach out and grab it with both hands.
We all feel your pain, we are suffering the same and I do so hope Chris that somewhere there is going to be some relief and help for you.
We are all here for you on the forum or a private message. Your not alone.
Thinking of you
Pat xxx
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Hi. Chis. What a fool I must have been to doubt the kindness, compassion and love that has come over in the above posts really exists. It restores my faith in human nature. Why does it take adversity to bring us together? Maybe it’s too much for you to take in the thoughts behind the posts. We all care for you just as we care for each other.
My love always goes out to anyone in such trouble as you are in. But Chris, that love is still there. It may not be from a specific person but it’s universal.
I have said before that the part of this site devoted to the loss of a child should be read. The parents would give so much for their child to have the gift of life that we talk about throwing away. I am not minimising your pain, God knows I am still there some of the time. But as everyone has said help is available, more so than we may imagine. Take it easy mate. My prayers are with you.
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Chris ,
I can tell you are a writer.
The words you’ve written express exactly how I feel.
After 19 months i feel worse thsn ever.
Nobody wants to hear or understand how I feel , they just want me " to move on" "accept what’s happened "
Thank you for putting it into words.Jx
Dear Chris
You are not alone with these feelings of hopelessness and wanting to end it all. I feel the same most days. I lost my husband at the end of July and the last three months have been the hardest, the blackest three months of my life. I rang the Samaritans and I am having counselling from Cruse and the Hospice where my husband died. This website is a life saver and I read it every day. To know you are not alone helps a great deal.
I send you strength and comfort…
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Hello Chris
I have read all your posts and all the replies. I know that the second year can be bad if not worse than the first. There are no answers but I am wondering if you can find it in your heart to be grateful for the love that you shared with your wonderful wife. Think about how she would view your desire to take your own life, what would she say to you ?
My husband passed away 4weeks ago, suddenly without any warning, heartbroken is an understatement. My whole life has been ripped out from under me and I feel totally lost. I have no idea how I am getting through each day, but I am and that’s the important thing. My husband would not want me to give up even though I don’t want to stay. I have a family and I have my dogs. Please find something in your life that will bring you peace if not joy. Go out when you don’t want to and join something where you will be with others.
I wish you the best possible outcome for you.
D x
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Sunlight streaming through a gap in the curtains woke me this morning. The remnants of a dream like evaporating smoke danced around the edges of my mind. We had been together in my dream - in our special place – the place that only we knew. A memory of a happier time. We were lying next to each other outside in the warm night air staring up at a beautiful night sky. Me being a little nerdy (her words), I was waxing lyrical explaining what the different constellations were and remember lining up my forefinger on one star and my thumb on another about an inch apart and telling her the gap between the two – about an inch - was trillions upon trillions of miles. It became our own secret sign. I would ask her, “Do you know how much I love you?” and she would hold her forefinger and thumb up about an inch apart with her beautiful smile.
The last day in her hospital room the doctors had intubated her. She couldn’t speak but her eyes were clear and every question I asked her was followed by nod or a shake of her head. She could write too. It was the last note I’ll never forget. “Sweetheart, I’m so tired my love. Please tell them to stop. I want to rest. I’ve had enough baby”. I could feel her eyes burning into me while I read it over and over. They did what she asked and removed the tube and her breathing got slower and slower. Before she slipped into unconsciousness she squeezed my hand surprisingly hard and with the other she made our secret sign
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I am truly sorry Chris that this has happened to you. We all feel our loss, at times it is unbearable but in other lighter moments the desire to go forward with our lives is strong.
“Be still, Close your eyes,breathe, listen for my footfall in your heart”
“We are not gone but merely walk within you”
I haven’t been on the site for a little while DT, mainly because I have been feeling just like Chris, it’s pointless. Nothing we do will bring them back. A couple of months ago I put my chances of ending it all as about 1%, now I’m 50/50. I know how I will do it, I just don’t when, if the moment comes, it will. I don’t want it to, but it may. My Christian faith says suicide is a sin, but God forgives our sins so long as we believe in him. The one and only thing keeping me going is I believe my sweetheart lives on in me, she wants to experience more life as she watches over me from heaven. I don’t know if she will forgive me. I think she will if it really gets too much. She fought so hard to stay with me it would be cowardly and selfish to let her down. But it just hurts so bad missing her more each day.
I’m doing all the right things, I socialize, attend church, sing in a choir, I’ve talked to my GP, see a counsellor and asked for medication. When I’m feeling really low I talk to people on the crisis lines. I spoke to the Samaritans yesterday.
I realize doing these things mean I am asking for help to carry on, it’s when we no longer have those feelings that the relief of death will come. By posting here I know I’m not yet ready, when I am I won’t ask for help or tell anyone.
Simply being here on this site means we still want to be alive, more importantly our loved ones in heaven want us to be here.
I pray to God to take me as I sleep or give me a massive heart attack or stroke, but He won’t. I’m told He still has a purpose for me, I just wish He’d tell me what it is.
I almost laugh when moderators here and the mental health people talk about if we feel like we may “hurt” ourselves to ask for help. I know it’s not funny but I see what they call hurt as sweet relief from the pain of existing.
I know I’ve probably not been much help with this post, but the one very important point I’m making is that every time one of us feels this way, it’s not abnormal, or anything to be ashamed of, simply by coming to this site means we aren’t yet ready to die, we are still seeking support.
Take care everyone, prayers, Carl.
Chris, Your poignant words brought tears to my eyes. A love like that defies death.
Thank you for sharing your most sacred last moments with us.
Sister2
Hi Carl,
I totally understand how you feel.
As you say - you do all the recommended things but it still hurts so badly day in day out.
My friend who lost her husband 2 years ago has filled her days with, family, religion, endless activity and forced positivity but it still makes no difference. She is in as much pain as I am.
" Have you thought of hurting yourself ? " is the question counsellors always ask.
Like you, I feel it would be a sweet relief from this never ending nightmare.
Very few people want to die but who wants to wants to go through this daily torture for years to come?
I’ll never stop wishing my life had ended when my partner’s did .
Your post does help because it tells the truth about how you feel.
I think most people come to this site because they’re so desperate for an answer but there isn’t one. Jx