I unexpectedly lost my soulmate of 28 years about 9 1/2 months ago…no warning…no known illness. Since then, I’ve often jotted down my thoughts…and what follows is one such line of query…probably not the conventional writing you usually find on grief sites such as Sure Ryder’s.
In some ways, maybe grief is addicting in similar ways that opioids or illicit drugs can be.
Once Grief has you in its grip, it wants to rule you. It doesn’t want to let go. Crying produces endorphins…chemicals that help make you feel good or at least better. This is the addictive part of grief… If you try to escape the tentacles of Grief, indescribable pain starts rising…excruciating arrows of pain shoot through your body and brain stemming from some undisclosed place deep inside of you….silent screams of anguish try to get out and make themselves heard. You ask, why can’t I stop this torture ? A mental torture that has become a physical one. Grief controls every aspect of you, your mind and your body. You didn’t ask for it…you don’t want to feel it ever again….but Grief is tenacious……it has you captive in its grasp….it wants to keep you in its private torture chamber sending out endorphins (your tears) to keep you wanting to come back despite the agony.
Is Grief addicting or a habit ? ….a habit that a person grieving can’t put aside. Does Grief bring some form of comfort or solace ? Does it make the person grieving feel it’s something they need or should be doing after the loss of a dearly loved one ? There are many maybes after losing a loved one……but, NO. Grief takes on a life form of its own. Your mind and body become taken over by this all-powerful destructive sensation……feelings that you cannot control no matter how hard you try. So…YES, in some ways, Grief is addicting……like an addictive drug, Grief has its own powers of addiction….and if you allow it, it will destroy you both mentally and physically.
So, unless you want to dishonor all what you and your loved one so carefully crafted during your time together, you have to break out of this destructive ‘habit/addiction’ …this destructive Grief that rules you and is consuming you and threatening the very existence that you wish to preserve… You have to find ways to validate that your time together wasn’t in vain….that your beloved’s soul lives on in you and your actions. Breathe in deeply and allow the spirit/soul of your loved one to become a part of you again, so that together once more you can break out of this vicious destructive cycle of what seems like endless grief. With your combined strength and willpower you can find new ways to continue what you started together all those years ago.