Can I just give you some advice, to use capitals and address someone as ‘YOU’ is actually seen as rather rude in this country. It’s a ‘shouty’ form of written conversation. I’m a bit further along my life after loss, 4 years 3 months to be exact so have had to face many firsts, including our 49th wedding anniversary. You are only ‘about’ 9 1/2 months. Perhaps you have found this view of grief a comfort, but with respect, you may find it brings unexpected challenges. Time will tell.
Please understand, some may have experienced trauma at the passing of their soulmate, struggle to deal with that and don’t need to feel they are addicted to the emotions as they grieve.
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With respect much more is being suggested and again, use of capitals is a ‘shouty’ form of communication and doesn’t help,
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Dear Stargazer, Thank you for your continued input…so much appreciated. I used the capitalized ‘you’ to stress the pronoun…no offense intended. As you say…you’re much further along in your grief…much further away in linear time from your loss. Everybody has to face firsts…some specific to one person and some the same or similar to others. My grief is still very raw…and I think most people experience raw grief much more strongly especially after the numbness of the initial shock starts to wear off. Also, I did not say people were addicted to their emotions…quite the opposite actually…I know how I have been swept up and overwhelmed by the varying feelings that grief brings with it. Everyone struggles when faced by a terrible loss. Thank you for your continuing thoughts and input…Pipsi
Dear Lonely, I was in complete shock when I learned that my soulmate of so many years had suddenly died. He was my life and I couldn’t accept his death and still don’t. Logically, I know he’s dead but my mind and brain won’t accept the fact. I have only expressed some of my thoughts, fears, and conclusions as well as beliefs. I’m a voracious reader and have read many points of view both online and books…as well as communicating via email with many people in the same or similar position of losing a loved one. All I can say is, grief is very complex and most of the sites dealing with grief seem to say/suggest the same or almost the same things…so I’ve researched many aspects including those not usually discussed. I know how much pain I have been in and continue to be in and am trying my hardest to find viable paths that are surely there…but paths that appear to be hidden from me as well as most people in this extremely difficult experience known as loss. This experience that most of us will have to face some day has no preparation or easy solution/s. Many thanks for sharing your thoughts…Pipsi
Goodness, that’s a lot to consider, but what do I know. I’m just the 70 year old widow, who cared for my husband of 47 years, whilst he slowly lost his life to cancer eight months ago, I certainly do not consider myself an addict.
Initially, I thought for goodness sake, are people now not allowed to simply grieve their loved ones, in their own way and in their own time but I guess we’re all different. If this idea helps you find your way or gives you some comfort, then I’m happy for you.
For me, I feel the same as Lonely but I hope anyone who is having to deal with any guilt, regret or anger surrounding the those final days and moments with their loved ones, is not too hurt and upset by such an idea.
Sending big hugs, to anyone who needs one.
Budge x
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Dear Budge, I’m so sorry you had to suffer watching your beloved husband go through such an awful illness. My post was just expressing my thought s and feelings and not wanting anyone else to get lost trying to survive loss of a love done. Thank you for your input…Pipsi
@Pipsi, just to clarify my words are not a poem but a quote, as I did indeed state. The words were taken from an article by Alan D. Wolfelt, featured in ‘Aftertalk.’
I am aware that tears release endorphins but then so does exercise and gardening, both of which I enjoy, so I’m not sure where you’re going with that one.
I’m sure a pychologist would make much of your musings and enjoy discussion, but frankly I found your opening post discourteous and offensive. You have a strange way of determining grief. I appreciate that you may not have intended to offend but please accept that you have. Emotions can run high and often do and I for one am fiercely protective of my grief. I am not an addict nor habitual; my grief is a necessity just as my love for my husband was and still is. Nor do I consider my grief to be negative; it is testament to the fact that the rarest soul in the world was mine and I, his. I do agree that grief is consuming but then so was our love so how could it be otherwise?
@Lonely put it beautifully and I think the majority of us will relate to her words.
Oh, by the way, habits are disorders…
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Dear Krazy Kate, I understand that you’re fiercely protective of your grief. Grief is the natural result of losing someone you loved/love dearly. I’m so happy that you and say your husband, who was the rarest soul in the world was yours. I agree that love can be consuming…but not in the same way as grief. Isn’t love a positive emotion ?
Maybe you’re misinterpreting some of my thoughts ? I certainly did not mean to be offensive. All I was basically saying was to not to let your grief destroy you…try to find new paths to continue on. I do not know what is bad about those things. Thanks for your input…Pipsi
quote "Glenn54 …
“I won’t ever move on in time unless I don’t let Mandy consume me , if she does I will be forever in trouble.”
I think this is what Pipsi means and she is not telling anyone what to do. she is offering a possible way of looking at something. it is easy to get addicted to something, it is easy to lean on a crutch and to avoid living. that is a danger as life does have some things left to offer mourners … no matter how old.
and this is also for people well along in grief …
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Thanks for sharing the original quote which was thought provoking
@berit hi all I have been following this thread and I feel I have to say something. Pipsi was just sharing her thoughts and like us all she is going through heartbreak and just trying to find a way to cope with the pain of loss and the grief. She did not mean to upset or offend anyone. This was her first post apart from ones where she has replied to me or other people and she has told me it will be her last. I think it’s a real shame that someone now feels they can’t post anymore on here. Its still very raw for her and she is struggling like us all from losing her soulmate. We are all at different stages of our grief and all in pain and missing those we love and just wanting them and the lifes back that we had. This site and the people on it are amazing and even though everyone is going through heartbreak, we all still reach out to help others. I have been shown more empathy compassion and caring on here than I have from anywhere else. So please let’s all just help eachother and agree to disagree on some things. Does my grief consume me? Yes it does my soulmate was and always will be my life and I’m heartbroken and empty and lost without her. She will always be the love of my life and I will spend whatever time I have left loving her. I’m sorry if my reply upsets or offends anyone as that is not my intention. Take care all love and hugs xxx
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Someone sent this to my mother when my father died. ‘I hope that in passing through the sad, dark difficult days that we must all suffer when losing a loved one, you may in due course see and reach the light and sunny uplands of sweet memories and fond remembrance of the lives that you have shared together’
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Thank you so much, Berit, for your words…Pipsi
Thank you so much, Casey. You are a true understanding friend…Pipsi
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This journey of grief is something we all do individually. We can all relate though. It’s been nearly 19 weeks since suddenly losing my mum and some of the thoughts and feelings I’ve had have been out of control at times. We look for answers, for some light, desperate horrible times. That we can all relate too. I watched and read a lot in the beginning as it was so consuming and I didn’t think I’d ever be even half ok again. Everyone has different beliefs and opinions but we are all here to support each other through our grief however we choose to do it as individuals. In my opinion it’s such a crazy ride we go from one thing to another in some desperate attempt to search for answers/comfort/peace or whatever we need. But we are all here for each other.
Nic xxx
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Hear hear Nic!
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Thank you for your input, Nick.
Hi, a very true and vivid description of this monster called Grief. I sometimes think of it as an intruder who has come bursting into our lives, our homes, taking control of our minds, leaving us devastated and helpless. I also lost my beloved husband of 25 years, suddenly and unexpectedly, no warning signs, don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with this. Still stuck in denial, shock and disbelief.
Take care.
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Thank you for your descriptive words, Solost. Am so sorry for your loss…even though these often used words certainly do not express adequately my feelings of compassion for your situation…but we don’t seem to have many others in our word-rich language to truly express our feelings in these situations. Pipsi
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Yes, I find that at times the words to describe my devastation, just don’t exist. Whatever words I use just aren’t strong enough to portray exactly how I’m feeling. I end up just keeping it simple and saying: 'I miss him so much, more and more each day".
Sending you comfort and strength.
Take care.
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