Heartbroken and lonely

Hi I lost my husband last September of pancreatic cancer he was ill for 3 months and taken so sudden. He suffered so much it was painful to watch. He was only 57 I am 53 we had so much planned we had been married nearly 35 years he was my soul mate and best friend we did everything together. Now I am so lonely and can only take one day at a time I don’t have a future without him. I have sons and there partners keeping me going which I am so great full for. But it’s just so lonely on my own no one to talk to or eat with. The first few months was a blur I don’t remember much but now it’s become real and I can’t bear this pain. Everyday I ask why him why did it have to happen to our family he was a hard working man a great dad and grandad he helped so many people. I could go on forever just can’t believe he’s never coming home to me.

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Hi. Your words echo the feelings of so many of us on here who’s partners have been taken from us. The feeling of loneliness goes far deeper than just someone being in the same room. It’s a lonely, empty heart.
People say you’re so lucky you have family and friends etc etc but they don’t put their arms round you when you’re washing up or share all those daft jokes. They don’t persuade you to get a takeaway when you had something healthy planned or make plans with you for the future.

It’s been 19 months since Phil took his last breath and some emotions and feelings are not so harsh. The horrible heart wrenching crying has lessened but has been replaced by a sort of resignation that this is it. It’s really happened. I guess in time this feeling will again be replaced by another different one and that’s the process of grief. Who knows? X

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Yes all very true miss being cared for and the jokes and laughter. I’ve also resided to the fact I go to work and at the weekends I’m home alone can’t see anything else beyond that. I like being at home it’s my safe place. I wish all the people in this group could meet up it’s so helpful to know other people understand. Until you’ve lost a partner people who think they can help can’t. Take care thank you for your response.

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Yes it would be good if we could meet up. It’s so much easier to share thoughts and feelings when you’re face to face. I end up writing and rewriting posts several times before I can put down what I want to say! Take care x

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They don’t put their arms round you when you’re washing up, that sums it up. All those little things, yes the jokes the things only he would understand, I could go on. Nobody can know the loneliness until it’s happened to them, I know I didn’t have a clue what people went through. Losing our soulmate is like nothing you could imagine. Mine died suddenly 9 weeks ago and everything seems to be getting worse, not better, no matter how positive I try to be. Watching tv alone on the sofa without his arm around me is agony , have tried sitting somewhere else but that feels worse. I think we’ve all lost that safe protected feeling they gave us, my Malcolm made me feel everything was okay, he was always there for me and did all he could to make me happy. How to adjust to this solitary life with everyone seeming to be in couples, just feel like the odd one out now with no lovely partner to stand beside me and give me a hug. Sorry for all that misery, just woke up feeling like this today and don’t want to upset family or friends who are also suffering badly. Will try to be better tomorrow!x

You don’t need to apologise. That’s why we’re on here, to support each other and be able to vent our own emotions to people who understand exactly how we’re feeling. Some days are worse than others and it’s still only been a few weeks for you. Bad days are just your body’s way of processing things but there will be more better days too as time goes on. Be kind to yourself x

Thank you so much Mumma J, I’m usually pretty positive but must have been having a bit of a meltdown yesterday so thank you for bearing with me! Let’s hope this rain stops and we’ll all feel a bit better.x

Don’t apologise it’s the worse feeling in the world.
My first few months were a blur now it’s become real it’s unbearable. I miss being a couple No one to eat with miss a cuddle when I come home. I’m broken and don’t know how I’m going to live like this for the rest of my life. Take care x

So true. I’m sitting here with a glass of wine waiting for my dinner to cook. I cook for 2 and have the rest the next day. I think I only cook because it uses up some time and gives me some tidying up to do. Then I‘ll eat alone, not really tasting it. Just know I have to eat. I wonder how many of us are doing similar? Maybe we should share our recipes of dinners that reheat well lol x

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Yes we could create a recipe swap! So sad isn’t it, all of us lonely with our single meals , sitting on our own… Malcolm was type one diabetic and vegetarian and we were married for 49 years, I so miss cooking for him and weighing it, etc for carbohydrate. Now I have no need to cook at all if I don’t feel like it and it’s just so strange and unreal. The number of times we all used to tease him about having to make something special and vegetarian for him! But he always took it in good part.I so miss him. Bon appetit everyone. x

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