Heartbroken

Its approaching 16 weeks since my husband was killed in a road traffic accident. Police answered his mobile and told me to stay put they were sending a car. I knew then that the outcome was not going to be the one I wanted to hear but I prayed all the way to the hospital that he would survive. In sickness and in health I was prepared to look after him no matter what his injuries. But he was gone. I am actually finding each day since his death harder to bear. We spent the first lockdown planning all the adventures we would have once we were able to get out. Now all I have are memories and a broken heart. We downsized exactly four years ago - start of a new chapter he said - now I see it as my waiting room until I can join him. Our poor children - I see the pain in their faces and I am incapable of offering them any real support as I am just surviving/existing. We were together 42 years I am never going to get over this and I do not want to create a ‘new/different life’. I just need my Ian and this is impossible.

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Hi Sheila, I am sorry and without any useful words to offer about the shocking way your husband was wrenched from you… how truly awful.

What you wrote about just waiting and not wanting a new life I really understand as I feel the same. I won’t go on as I don’t have anything hopeful to say today but I read your post, I feel this way too. I hope this torture ends for us at some point one way or the other. Hoping for some peaceful hours for you.

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Dear FleurDeLis
Thank you. One day at a time.

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All I can say is one day one step at a time .

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Sheila I am so sorry for your loss and the awful way it happened for you . I totally understand your feelings I’m 19 weeks into this awful journey and like you I too feel as if I’m in a waiting room .
Unfortunately as hard and as harsh as it may seem we have no other option but to carry on not just for ourselves but for our children and the our loved ones.
On the very rare occasions when we talked about one of us being left behind Rob would say “ when anything happens to me I don’t want you to be lonely” well I have good family support and a good network of friends and colleagues so as far as I’m concerned I’m am carrying out his wishes , if he meant any more than that well I’m sorry Rob I’m not ready for anything more and I don’t think I ever will be , you have big boots to fill .
Like yourself Sheila we too made plans , we even had plans for the very day that he passed away .
Take care and please keep talking it helps and you are not alone in this x x sending hugs

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With love to you all, I’m so so sorry. I’m so sorry for all of you that have lost. I have just deleted an essay of desperate love for my husband. I deleted because it goes without saying really and my expression was for me, it was to make me feel better.

I can’t tell you, express how I feel for myself, for you. The sheer sadness I feel that you are experiencing this loss.

Beyond my grief, I am so determined t9 move forward. However at times, I am so so desperate to be with him, to have him here, I lose my way. This is a fight. It’s 10 weeks tomorrow that he left, we were married 10.5 weeks at the time he died. It feels so hard but, you know that.

Wishing you all strength and good wishes , we need it. You know, I know how hard this is x with all the love @cinders x x x

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Dear Kazzer
Thank you for your kind words. So sorry that you find yourself in this same situation.

I will carry on for our children and grandson but each day is a real effort. Lost quite a bit of weight - I have no appetite, going into shops and looking at ‘meals for one’ leave me distraught and I just walk out without any food.

The police advised me yesterday that the investigation report still not submitted to the Coroners. I just need this aspect of Ian’s death closed.

I only have a very small network of my own and family friends but they are providing enormous help. Others have already moved on. I know that I never will.

Take care. x

Sheila26 I also find eating very difficult and I have gone down 2 dress sizes, my GP has told me my cholesterol is raised but I said I would rather wait to give me a chance to change my eating habits rather than take medication for it , it think it’s circumstantial anyway she has agreed . So we need to try to eat sensible meals but even that’s hard and we probably still have things left from Christmas .
Fingers crossed they get the investigation done soon for you so you can move onto the next step and as you say to put closure on it .
As for friends at the time of our loss we all get loads of people who say “ you know where I am if you need anything “ then once they have gone that’s is you hear nothing else from them it’s like they did and said what’s expected of them so that’s their part done .
I understand the present situation as regards covid prevents us from visits but a phone call or a text doesn’t put anyone at risk .
I hope you can find the strength to carry on and please keep talking sending hugs and take care :heart:

Dear Kazzer

Thank you. Unfortunately the cupboards were quite bare at Christmas as I again could not face buying items. On Christmas Eve, staring at the empty space on the settee next to me, could not stand the pain so took the Christmas biscuits and drove round until I found an ambulance station close-by and left them for the workers.

There were plenty people who said “just give me a call if you need anything” - really (as you say) you cannot just drop me a text or something. And then when I did call one of Ian’s friends because I had to give the police a statement about the motorbikes he had owned and I did not share his interest, they did not answer the phone. Called four times, left messages and despite this did not bother to get in touch. Eventually I had to contact someone else for help. These same people then sent me a Christmas card saying ‘have a wonderful Christmas’. I was incensed and I know for sure it did not help my blood pressure.

Sorry I am ranting now, but Ian used to consider these people his friends. I know they too are grieving but I needed their help at that time. Rant over.

Have had a half decent meal this evening - I promised my son. I have to keep going for the kids and grandson.

Take care and thanks for listening.

Hello. My husband was also called Ian. He died suddenly from a heart attack 5 years gone now. The pain you feel is normal and truly expected because you had a good relationship. Write things down if you can. Keep notes on how you feel each day. Take one minute at a time and it will grow to half an hour then a day etc etc. It’s an horrendous journey but you are not alone. I remember someone said to me I was very lucky to have had a great relationship as they had never experienced a partner like that and that comment made me realise how lucky I was. In the early days I read lots of forums and books and wrote a private blog just to feel not alone. I screamed. I wept buckets. I drank a lot. I think I actually went a little bit mad. But it didn’t matter as we all deal with things our very own way. If ever you want to chat always feel free to message me. The pain does ebb. The love never dies. You will survive. You really really will. Just hang on tight. Xx

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Thank you so much - I will always love Ian.

I can certainly associate with the screams, weeping and going a bit mad. Since Ian died have noticed so many couples out and about for their daily exercise allocation and feel so angry at myself for feeling so envious.

I write messages to Ian every day I just wish it was face to face.

Thank you again.

I did the same seeing other couples. I also saw people that were very overweight and unhealthy and thinking how come my hubby had a heart attack yet others don’t when they look so obvious that they could. Which was an awful thing to think. You will also find that there will be some couples that you both knew will drop off the radar because you don’t come as a duo anymore. That hurts. I sent ian texts. Wrote on his Facebook etc. And it’s all fine. Every little thing you do is the right way for you. Xx

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hi sheila i lost my partner of 25 yrs 8 months ago from covid19 i am so sorry for the loss of your husband im still finding it very difficult but they say time is a great healer you just take 1 day at a time xxx

Sheila26 don’t ever apologise for ranting it’s good to rant we should do it more . Glad to hear you have managed to eat something even if it was a small amount ,I managed a jacket potato.
Yes as you said we keep going for the kids and they keep us going .
Unfortunately in times like we are in we find out who true friends are , I know it’s very difficult with the isolation restrictions to visit people but like Iv said before a text doesn’t put anyone at risk .

Anyway keep ranting and I will keep listening :rofl::rofl: take care stay strong and we will get through this together x

Dear Kazzer
Thank you for listening. Today not great but going round to son’s - support bubble permits and I am also now their childminder as they are both key workers. Ian had promised to do this so I am stepping into his shoes. Have to make decision about work as currently on sick.

Take care.
Sheila X

Dear Mazzers
So sorry for your loss. Nothing prepares us for these life-changing events.

You will find support on this site - so keep posting and sharing.

Take care.

Sheila I find the key is to keep busy I also childminders my two grand children of key workers and being a front line key worker myself I understand the importance of carrying on the work we do both personally and professionally.
I had a shocking day yesterday couldn’t stop crying but today is very slightly better . But I’m not going to get over 33 years of marriage overnight not that I want to I’m far from ready to move on so until then I have to stay strong or at least look as though I am x x

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Dear Sheila,
I agree with Kazzer, in that you should not apologise for unloading your thoughts and concerns on this forum. It’s not ranting it’s an outlet.
The effects of losing a soulmate, in your case suddenly and traumatically, cannot be overestimated.
My husband also died very suddenly and unexpectedly 14 months ago. I still have so many unanswered questions which overwhelm me at some point every single day such as a post mortem report which no one has wanted to discuss with me. It has left me bewildered and unrecognisable from the person I was. To me and everyone else.
Just like you and your husband, our plans were shattered in an instant and I am still beyond angry. Where I live I am surrounded by elderly couples getting on with life. Their travels have been interrupted but they have each other and I admit I feel resentful that my husband never got to enjoy his retirement. Not nice of me but I can’t help it.
As far as not eating is concerned, I think for most people this is a normal reaction. I remember food literally sticking in my throat and nothing is appetising. Your appetite will probably return over the next few months but in the meantime variety is not the priority , just small amounts of whatever you can swallow. Shock affects every part of the body and I firmly believe it is under researched and certainly under treated.
I sometimes wonder whether it would be beneficial for forums such as this to be on the syllabus for medical students. It might just give them a better insight.
With regard to returning to work, only do that when you feel ready. Some people on the forum find that work offers a welcome temporary diversion but it is a very personal decision. Only you will know what you can handle on a daily basis.
As you have discovered, friends are often elusive in your time of greatest need. I have tried to be generous in forgiving some of the suggestions and comments I was offered. But I’m not that generous and my circle of friends has become much much smaller.
Although the circumstances of loss are unique to everyone of us on this forum, there are so many common factors we all struggle with. Being able to voice them is vital so keep posting. It’s not ranting.
Take care xx

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ty sheila for your kind message no life doesn t prepare you for this but im doing ok at the minute i have a lot of friends who keep me grounded i am taking one day at a time tho you need to do the same never bottle anything up hun always here if you need to chat stay safe and take care xx

Dear mazzers
I’m very sorry to hear about your husband It’s hard going isn’t it?
I too lost my husband to covid in April 2020 We had been together 45 years and married for 43
It’s not something you can just get over in a few months and then can say everythings ok
I find the sadness and loneliness overwhelming and I miss everything about not being able to share my life with the person I love
Just not being able to talk about everyday things and having their love and companionship Looking back it’s all passed by in a blur and like yourself I miss my husband so much
I’ve also lost interest in making meals it’s not the same when it’s only for yourself and I was only thinking the other day of the meals I used to make for my husband
On the subject of people staying in touch I can relate to that too Obviously the restrictions have limited contact but there’s always texts and phone calls My bubble is my son and his family but they live 200 miles away so I can only FaceTime them a few times a week I can’t see my elderly mother whose in a bubble with one of my sisters but I do ring her every day
I get one phone call a week from my sister in Scotland nothing very much from my brother and other sister Thankfully I have a good friend and we text each other regularly
My husbands family were his brother and sister and they haven’t kept in touch I had 2 phone calls from his brother after the funeral and a couple of texts over the months and only one text from his sister Disappointing really but that’s the way it is
I’m waiting for an operation but I don’t know if it’ll happen this year now with the virus situation
Still like yourself I’ll keep going as that’s all I can do
All a bit negative I know but I’ve got it all off my chest
Take care
Thinking of you
Christine x

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