I lost my partner of 15 years 10 days ago,the last 4 months I couldn’t cope with his alcoholism he spent the last 10 weeks at his mother’s I did everything in my power to help him… tough love love love.meetings detox held intervention with his family.locked him in house when I went out and tried to ween him off it to no avail he found ways…I’m totally distraught I just can’t believe it I still spoke to him most days our last conversation we had a lot of banter he spoke about dying said u can have my ashes I said ooooh nooo what wud my new gigalo say with u looking down of fire place and we giggled then spoke about all sorts…I knew he was poorly with his liver but I must of been in denial because I honestly thought he would hit rock bottom and come home so did he it was the aim for both of us it didn’t happen now I’ve been cut out of funeral arrangements just told when and where got txt to say they wanted his documents and stuff today I’m utterly devastated I told them no ( all his clothes everything is still in our home toothbrush slippers as in both our hearts he was comming back) I have no idea why it’s gone this way with his family his mum won’t spk to me even though we kept in touch me and his mum discussing things how could they think it’s right after 7 days of hiss passing that I would remotely ready to bag his stuff for them to take away and sort through…I’m so angry and have to bite my tongue incase they refuse to let me go to funeral I feel like I’m going out of my mind why is this happening I miss him so very much we were so happy for so longx
Hello Yvonne1234,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling and what you’re going through. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
You poor love, it’s so hard (and until you go threw it with your partner you will never understand, I honestly thought I knew about bereavement as my brother died, then my mam, then my dad then my last family member my other brother died all within a few years of each other BUT I had Mark to help me threw. Mark died suddenly 6 months ago today and it’s been a living hell. Mark & I had been together 40 years but like you we weren’t married and as far as the funeral directors were concerned I was not his next of kin (it was his brother and boy even though his brother was totally on my side that hurt) I can’t imagine what you went threw, I’m sure you did your very best for him, and in his own way he was trying his best (my brother died of alcoholism so I do understand a bit, but a brother is not a partner) believe me it is part of grieving to wonder if you could have done better (I had to do CPR on him while I waiting for the ambulance and believe me I punish myself all the time with could I have saved him, did I do it wrong) Your brain is so cruel. To have his family being like this is heartbreaking when all you need is support. Anytime you want to talk I’ll be here for you. A big hug from me to you xxx
@Yvonne1234 so sorry to hear of your loss and the awful position you are in. I wonder if your partner’s mother blames you in some way for her son’s addiction? As someone with an alcoholic sibling I know what it is like dealing with this and that you will be completely blameless. I recognise all of the tactics you tried. You were the most important person in your partner’s life as he was to you. You are the one who will feel his loss more than anyone else. You above all people should be at his funeral. My thoughts are with you.
@Yvonne1234
What a terrible ordeal you have been and are still going through. I’m so sorry.
I have no experience to offer but a couple of thoughts in case it helps. Forgive me if you’ve already tried them or if they don’t sound helpful.
Firstly, I wonder whether you could maybe write to your partners mother, putting gently how you feel about firstly losing him, then about how much his belongings mean to you at this stage and that you don’t feel ready to part with anything and hope she understands.
Also maybe ask if she feels you could / should have done anything differently as you tried everything you could think of, as you explained to us in your post.
Is there anyone else who you and your partner were close to who could be a sort of mediator to try and smooth the way for you and his mother to be able to work together?
Whatever happens we are here for you and will support you as best we can.
Sending love
Karen xxx
Thank you ,he had problems before I met him I just didn’t know how bad .I can look at myself in the mirror knowing I did everything possible…I feel perhaps they carnt as they really didn’t do much his sibling fell out with him as he was drinking at his mother’s as he was doing at mine his mother cudnt cope with it either which I understand but they only had to really deal with it for 2 months yes I think I’m definitely thought of as the bad guy in this I think guilt being transferred to me.My heart still feels for them but in amongst the drinking I am a carer I also lost my sister to cancer I was dealing with so much and just needed their help…like I say they wanted to come and take his belongings 7 days later it’s a living nightmare but thank you for your lovely message I’m just grateful that 3 days before he passed we once again told each other we loved eachother x
I reached out to his mum but she said she carnt speak about it she’s broken she wouldn’t answer my call it’s all been done via his sister but il take on board your advice thank you I explained I’m not ready to go through his belongings and I sent the paperwork via secure post and was told point blank I shouldn’t have sent them they wanted to collect them and any other stuff of his that could fit in there car …They received the documents the very next day I know because I sent as advised by post office to do track and trace my instinct told me they only wanted to come to my home to take his stuff as they put it …he didn’t have much he wasn’t a jewellery person he was more trainers and caps and gaming things which like couples do most were present for birthday Christmas we lived ok but by no means rich he had a telly n stuff he bought or I bought for our home…it’s so insensitive like his life with me never existed we lived 200 miles away since he was 20 I met him 15 years ago his mum would visit us his sister not very often then 2 years again came bk to my home town to look after my sister’s also because he really wasn’t fit enough to work he gave up booze for a year then fell off the wagon I hoped he’d hit rock bottom and give it up but the liver damage was already done and I think he gave up but I still tried with him prepared to look after him with his illness but I cudnt watch him continue to drink and slowly kill himself I was not great myself already grieving for my sister and trying to look after my other sister…I knew he would die at some point but maybe nievly or in denial hoped if he gave up again he could come home and get on liver transplant list but I watched my mother and sister take there last breadth he knew how that affected me and I told him I could not watch him take his…I miss him so much we were so happy for a long long time xxx
@Yvonne1234 I feel for you. You have been through so much and you really loved and cared for your partner and your sister. His family should be grateful that he had you. It sounds like they have issues. You don’t mention your partner’s father. If he died it may be that his mother is reliving that loss and trying to hang on to anything of her son’s. Whatever their problems you do not deserve this. You will find plenty of support here. XX
Thank you. No his father is alive remarried 35years ago they all live near each other.except for my partner he left the area when he was 20 but his father visited occasionally as did his mother we lived in holiday resort until we moved back 40 minute from them his mother would come quite often and phone me and her were in contact a lot more so the last 10 weeks he was living at his mother’s but she cudnt cope cudnt go for her walks said she had to stop her life…I felt relieved when he was there because I really thought his family might make a difference…I’m not blaming anyone on anything it was an awful situation and still is but I just don’t understand how I’ve been completely cut off and how after only 7 days of his passing(funeral not for another 2 weeks) they want to come to a home we shared which I own and want his stuff even the wasn’t here everything is still here his toothbrush slippers clothes etc…they have no idea what his favourite t-shirt was his trainers etc and just wanted me to pack everything up whatever they could take in there car . I told them not ready and securely posted his documents to them as I didn’t want pressure from them which was my gut instinct when they said they wanted to come. For documents and stuff ( by the way all done by txt not even a call ) ii got txt saying you shudnt have posted them…I said but u said u needed asap I’ve heard nothing since…I really feel they were coming to get whatever they thought belonged to him and not in anyway to see how I am coping. It’s a very sad sad situation
@Yvonne1234 This is so insensitive of them, there seems to be no good reason for their behaviour. You are grieving and do not need this. Most of us have still not yet cleared out clothes and we are months, sometimes years, down the line. You do not have to let them into your house though. I would be tempted to put away those items dear to me and let them have the rest when I’m ready. But I know these things are not that easy to do when you are suffering so much. Love and support.
@Yvonne1234 I wish I could give you a proper hug, my darling, you are really going threw it, I’m sure everybody reading your heartbreaking take will want to join in our group hug, close your eyes, here it comes. xxx
@Mike75 Well put, why should they dictate when you sort out his stuff, like Mike75 say some can do it soon, some years down the line, but it’s your choice and what works for you. Be strong, my love xxx
Thank you so much I’m so very sorry for all of your losses it so unfair I lost my mam whi I was so very close to it nearly killed me the grief all consuming last year I lost my sister we are all a very close family she died of cancer I’m still grieving for her but had to be strong for my nephew’s even though they are grown men I felt I had to be there for them and now my partner he was such a lovely man even in drink he was introverted his sister said on the to occasion I spoke to her he’s my brother!! I know but I think when you have actually lived with that person it’s a different anguish and grief …your so kind to take time to help me thank you
Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding most of all the hug I’m overwhelmed thank you xxx
I told them please wait until at least. He has been laid to rest…I feel like they are taking up my head space and I’m trying not to allow that I only want space for my partner so yes they definitely have to wait it’s not like I’ve refused them anything just not now thank you again for all the support it’s really helping me know that I’m not being unreasonable or selfish x
@Sulane, I know all too well that guilt is one of the bereavement boxes we all tick but please don’t beat yourself up about thinking that maybe had you performed CPR differently, you might have saved Mark. Only 12% of people survive a cardiac arrest in hospital, a bare 8% at home. Take comfort in the fact you tried; you did all that you could for him, when he needed it most.
@Yvonne1234 My darling, keep posting, get it off your chest, we can’t do much to help, but be there for you, when you need us & boy believe me when I say (& sincerely believe I speak for everyone) WE CARE. xxx
Hello Yvonne,
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my 38 year old daughter to alcoholism nearly 2 years ago, so l understand what you have and continue to go through.
I am sure that you tried to help him as l did Laura in every way possible. Normally people who drink a lot have mental health problems or a family predisposition to drink a lot.
If an individual has both problems as my daughter did, they get stuck between services and little help.
Your partners family are grieving and need someone to blame. My son has stopped talking to me because he said l neglected him to look after Laura. I did not l did what l could in difficult circumstances while also looking after my partner’s 101 year old dad.
It will take time but you need to put yourself first and don’t get involved in family disagreements, it will drain you.
My daughter told she would die young and it sounds like your partner had also come to yerms with his fate.
If you ever want to email me. I am here to help you. Jackie.x
@Peanutbrain thank you for your message I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard I did try everything I could I’m just so very anguished and drained little things keep popping into my head maybe I should have let him home but he did know he would pass he told me many times non of it was my fault in noway was I to blame he said he just loved and missed me but he just cudnt stop…I was still grieving my sister looking after my other sister with ms and trying to help him…my own mental health was suffering greatly (it still is) I just wish he was still here I’m so broken but we were very very happy for a long time I just hated the booze this last few years it got a grip of him he wasn’t the same person I fell in love with but I still loved him but didn’t always like him it was turning toxic which I didn’t want…I’m still in disbelief x