Hello

Well, this is one club I wasn’t expecting to join just yet. My wife passed away, unexpectedly, on 31st January.

I found her on the bedroom floor unresponsive, had to go through the trauma of doing CPR whilst waiting for the paramedics. Can’t quite get that out of my head at the moment. Been in a daze mostly since and haven’t slept in the house since, can’t face it. I’m being looked after by daughter and son-in-law but am acutely aware of outstaying my welcome. Not sure where I’m heading at the moment.

It seems good to have this space to hear other’s experiences and maybe I’ll add to the conversation when up to it.

Take care everyone.

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Hi. Sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

Take each day as it comes. Don’t push yourself to do anything you’re not ready to do.

I lost my hubby in November 2023. I have ok days and I have bad days. I looked after him at home.

Concentrate on getting yourself to the point where you’re ready to talk to others about how you feel. Letting things happen naturally is working for me.

You have to remember. Everyone grieves differently. There is no wrong or right way. There is no timetable as to when you will “get over it”. Don’t beat yourself up about not being able to do anything.

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Hiya, it is a good, safe space to share with others who understand. Nobody wants to be here but I think everyone is glad they found this forum. My gorgeous Alan had a catastrophic cardiac arrest just before Christmas. No warning and devastation in the blink of an eye. Like you, I tried CPR and the paramedics were fantastic but all to no avail. My son and his partner moved in for a while and he still stays some nights each week. I worried about being a nuisance to them but I wouldn’t have got through those dark early days without them. It is difficult to offer advice but, from my own experience I would say take each day as it comes. You cannot make a wrong decision. Accept all offers of help. Talk or don’t whichever you want and, most of all, cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. I’m 8 weeks in now and the shock has gone. There is some clarity and, just maybe, a tiny glimmer of something like hope. Take care, you are not alone x

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Hi
I lost my partner in Dec 2023 just over 2 months ago and had a similar experience. I found him and also had to do CPR but sadly nothing could be done. It’s so hard to not dwell on the situation and let it be one of your memories when there were so many better ones. Sending lots of healing to you.

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Thanks for the replies, it’s appreciated. @Arvia and @Vixen sorry to hear that you’ve had a CPR experience similar to mine. @mags66 thanks for your kind thoughts also. At the moment it feels like I’m taking some baby steps on a a very long road, got some counselling booked to talk stuff through, I’m hoping it will help. I try to counteract that last bad memory with other happier memories, and there are plenty, but it’s not easy.

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It won’t be easy. We have all got to learn to be a single unit. That’s hard after having someone in your life to do things with.

Baby steps are the best way. In essence everyone on this forward has taken a big step. We decided to reach out to others that understand

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@mags66 Yes, to be a single unit. For me, learning to live alone is the single biggest challenge. That and a decision as to whether to stay in ‘our’ home or start afresh. I won’t be rushing into anything though.

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Hi @HarvestMoon i too feel your pain I lost my husband 30th Jan from Pancreatic cancer just diagnosed 10th Jan after 4 missed opportunities to diagnose from NHS so whilst sudden not as shocking as yours. I’m on my own as we had no kids mum and dad both passed and any family I have are 200 + miles away across the water. I would just say stay with your family as long as you need to stop worrying about them and it’s ok to worry just about yourself … I would give pretty much anything to have a full house at the moment so it would stop me feeling so desperately alone my husband was only 67 and we had just planned so much during our retirement that has now vanished … be still and hugged amongst your family til you think the time is right the emptiness of the house is worse

Hi @Bassage1000 thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry to hear your news, in particular that you are on your own, I do hope you have some friends to support you but if not I hope you can find help from other sources. I think you make a good point about me not worrying about my family and to concentrate on me. That’s exactly what I’ve failed to do for several years now as I poured all my energy into looking after and supporting my wife. It’s like I’m adrift on the open sea on a boat with no engine or steering. I hope you can find the strength to get through this, I hope we all can. Take care.

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Yes it’s a big decision for me too but I think I have to give myself at least a year til I decide whether to move … god knows it’s change enough loosing a partner without adding to the stress

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Yes it’s change on every level none of which was self imposed or welcome. Breathe and rest .

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My husband too passed in Dec 23 of pancreatic cancer. We had 3 years of on / off chemo and knew all the way that it was terminal. During that time I lost my dad to dementia and then 2 weeks before I lost Dave my mum passed away. But we never gave in right until the end. I’m suffering from a sickness bug at the moment and feel
So unwell but all I can think about is his struggle and how dare I feel sorry for
Myself when he constantly battled. I’m feeling so guilty that I wanted him to battle on because I couldn’t bear the thought of being without him. We were together since 18yrs old and had planned a retirement but it feels like I’ve lost not only my future but in a strange way the past too. Keeping busy helps but at times I do have to push back on well meaning friends and have time to myself to think . I hope
Life gets better for you but it’s such early days x

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Three weeks on and life is settling into a different routine. Finally, we had a post-mortem result which meant we could meet the funeral director and plan the funeral and I’ve an appointment with the registrar scheduled which means I’ll be able to start dealing with financial issues. I’m even back at work although I wouldn’t say I’m 100% engaged with it. All the focus is on the funeral now, which btw is 4 weeks away, and I suspect it’s after the funeral when everyone goes home and gets on with their lives that it will really hit me. For the moment though all I can do is put one foot in front of the other.

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Just focus on doing just that. Keep getting up and out of bed and let the day take care of I s self. I’m keeping a journal where I log 3 things every day that I am grateful for . Sometimes it’s as simple as a decent nights sleep or a cup of tea in bed before I start the day. Keep going. You can do it x

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I lost my husband to a very aggressive cancer on Feb 13th, having only been diagnosed 3rd Jan. He was 57.
I just feel empty. Since diagnosis it was appointments/scans/bloods etc & now nothing. Just long days to fill. His funeral is next Friday.
I have no future

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So sorry for you loss I lost my husband 30th Jan just 20days after diagnosis … I so know how you feel the thought of 20 years plus without the love of your life is more than grief is desolation. You will gradually get a little bit if energy back on those days I find it best to fill with stuff even if it’s mindless like reorganising drawers just so I stop thinking for a while. On the bad days / hours just go with it cry scream take to bed … I hope you have some good friends around you as you’ll need them … some seem to drift away after the I’m there for you convo … you’ll find out the really good ones . We are all the same in here so we do understand …

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@Bailey65 I am so sorry for your loss, but you do have a future, it is just not the one you thought it might be or had planned.

You have had very little time to process what had happened from the nightmare of the diagnosis to where you are now and it does take time. My wife died at the end of September 23, so almost 5 months for me, and I still have waves of grief.

But slowly I am getting to feel brighter moments, maybe it is the lighter days and occasional sunny day that helps. Getting out for a walk and fresh air I find helps. The dogs on the beach is an added bonus.

This site is a good place to come as everyone is going through something similar, everyone’s feelings are individual to them, but they understand what you are going through and can provide support and advice if needed.

Happy to chat, take care…Pete

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Hi, my wife passed away at the end of December. She had small cell cancer about 12 years ago. We had all the problems that come with the treatment. She lost her hair, teeth and a lot of confidence. We were devestated when she was diagnosed with terminal untreatable cancer in 2022. I am not known for emotion, but since her demise I am in pieces. I just saw this post as I booted up the laptop. I am just going to refer myself to the local hospice for counselling. Even though I have children and friends, they don’t get exactly how grief affects people. They mean well, but I think I just need to talk to someone outside my social circle. I have a public face for them and a wholly different face when on my own. I too cared for my wife for a long time, in the process became isolated. I hope your situation improves and people don’t keep coming out with the classic “time will heal” garbage. Hopefully it will soften but never heal. Was only going to type a short response…sorry gone off on one.

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One step
Breathe
It dies feel like you have no future it comes crashing down and is ripped away when we loose our life partner we dearly loved.
I often think about not wanting to grow old without him, my future retirement now feels worthless . Thats grief isn’t it we have to focus on day to day living because we can’t do anything else . Future! It doesn’t come into your picture when your do early into grief.
One step
One day
Breathe .

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Good morning. I’m really sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

You do have a future. At the moment it won’t feel like that. Your emotions will be all over the place. Grief is one of the most horrible things we can go through. So many emotions at once, feels like you’re going mad.

Give yourself time. Baby steps.

I lost my hubby - will be 3 months tomorrow (24th) - and I am just getting use to him not being here. Life does carry on, that’s the awful thing. We have 2 choices. Let it drag us down or carry on and be the best version of ourselves. And we do that in their honour. They will always be in our hearts. We will always have our memories.

We just have to learn to be kind to ourselves.

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