Help!!!

Losing a partner
#1

I loss my husband 6 weeks ago very quickly to Cancer and am totally lost.

I don’t want to go on but everyone tells me I have to, their telling me I’m so strong yet inside I’m broke and don’t want this life to go on.
I put on a front to avoid their discomfort and that is the ones that don’t avoid me, I am so lonely yet they make me feel worse by avoiding me, They don’t like this person who cries, who looks sad, I don’t like this person.
I come into an empty house, no longer a home and the loss hit me every time, his shoes still behind the door, his clothes in the wardrobe, no mess to clean, no dinner to cook, no washing to do, The jobs i moaned about no longer there to do, I want them back, I want him back,
They tell me it’ll get better, what is better?
A life without my best friend, not a life I want.

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#2

I also lost my husband just a few weeks ago it’s lonely and I cry a lot.What helps is to keep busy.Bake a cake and take it to a friend.Buy some flowers for your self your not alone.

#3

Hi Tre,

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed. I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org). You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

You deserve care and support so please, Tre, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Hazel
Online Community team

#4

dear Tre, I totally understand. My husband died suddenly on the 29th Sept. I give the date because it feels like a million years and just yesterday all at once. I know you feel broken, and cry…that’s natural. I feel like half of me was cleaved right off. Not empty…missing. Just gone. But I know one thing…and that’s that he will be willing me not to fold…not to give up on life and to continue to squeeze every second of life for the fullest of experience. I feel so alone, so desolate, but I’m allowing my friends and family to support me through this. I hope you have people to help you. To sit and hold you. To make you smile at his memory. If not, I’m here xxx

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#5

dear Tre, I totally understand. My husband died suddenly on the 29th Sept. I give the date because it feels like a million years and just yesterday all at once. I know you feel broken, and cry…that’s natural. I feel like half of me was cleaved right off. Not empty…missing. Just gone. But I know one thing…and that’s that he will be willing me not to fold…not to give up on life and to continue to squeeze every second of life for the fullest of experience. I feel so alone, so desolate, but I’m allowing my friends and family to support me through this. I hope you have people to help you. To sit and hold you. To make you smile at his memory. If not, I’m here xxx

#6

Tre Iam so sorry not that it helps you to no that the empty house is the worst I no this and this time of year make matters worse I have timers attached to light even sometimes I put the TV or radio on a timer so there is something when I come in doesn’t always work but the house isent so silent when I come in for me the night are the worst thay seme to go on for ever it’s been nearly 4 months for me and yes people seem to go out of your lift and get on with there’s if feels like you have been forgotten left behind but I think some of it is that we are in are own bubble out of in but still there it’s difficult bei

#7

Sorry got cut off in mid flow it’s difficult being left behind and yes it’s lonely I find thing to do to get me out and that to can be difficult on your own but going to the cinema or even a the theatre in the afternoon enything to get out some time to stop think it’s not always easy it would be lying to say lt is but you have to find a way to go on because you no what you’re other half would say if you didn’t hold on and be strong all my love and wishes go with you on this

#8

I absolutely could have written this! 7 weeks for me. I am bothered by the “it will get better” because there isnt a better I can foresee. Another phrase I cannot stand is “new normal”. There is nothing normal about the life I am now forced to live.

#9

So sorry for your loss Morr, truly I am.

Yesterday was 17 months since Alan’s funeral, we had celebrated our golden wedding anniversary exactly 2 months prior. the good days are becoming more frequent as the time passes, the bad days still rear their heads though and I’m still functioning one day at a time. it’s not about living a ‘new normal life’ as some people seem to think and often say, it is about learning to live a different life to the one we have known for how ever many years we’ve all been with our beloved husbands/wives/partners.

one phrase I specifically dislike is ‘you need/will/must move on’ move on from where? move on to what? we all deal with our individual loss as best as we can and each day we get through as best we can. there’s no blueprint or set of instructions to follow, we are all different, yet united in our grief.

this forum had been a lifesaver and I’ve no doubt shall be so for you too. if you want to scream at the world then do so, we never wanted to travel this enforced route , yet are compelled to do so. truly hope you gain some strength and support from the lovely people posting on here.

sincerely hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings and hugs
Jen ☆

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#10

Hi Morr

I’m so sorry for your loss, I guess we are both on the same part of the “journey” as they like to call it (patronising)!, a journey we never booked or asked to go on, well stop the bus I want to get off!!

At least someone feels as I do and I don’t need to be carted off to the funny farm!

I feel ROBBED, robbed of the best friend I could ever ask for, robbed of the future we had planned, robbed of happiness, robbed of looking forward to whatever instead of living one day at a time and trying to go get through each day and hoping I’ll get to the day when it doesn’t hurt, but I don’t want to stop missing him.

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#11

Yes, robbed is a good word. We can see no logical reason why it’s happened and so often to someone who was kind and gentle. I stopped looking for answers to unanswerable questions long ago.
As for platitudes, I could write a book. I find people get tongue tied when they talk to me about my loss. They mean well but have no idea what to say, so fall back on the old stuff. It’s not their fault. If you have not been here then how can you know. I don’t mind people talking about my wife in a kind way. Not at all. If only they could understand that just being with someone who feels as you do but knows the value of silence. We want someone to hold our hand at times; to know we are not alone in this pain, and to share quieter moments.
Thanks friends for all the help and comfort you all give.

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#12

Robbed is how I feel too. For me and our kids. My husband was killed in a car accident. Another persons fault. I’m angry every day. Grief stricken every day. A trial looms ahead and I’m terrified. But it is true that misery loves company if other people understand what you are feeling. Thanks.

#13

Hi Tre

Like you I lost my husband very quickly to cancer - 6 weeks from the first scan to the day I lost him - that was 2 years ago on Monday just gone.

I too still have all Clive’s clothes in the wardrobe, his shoes are in the hall where he put them, his coat is still hanging on the peg, his book and glasses are on his bedside cabinet - even his beer is still in the fridge because I can’t bear to move any of it. One day I will, but not just now and there’s no time limit, it doesn’t matter if they’re still there 10 years from now or if I wake up on the weekend and decide that today’s the day and go through the house like a hurricane, putting all this things away.

The grief never goes away but it does get a little softer, the pain a little less intense. That mask you pin to your face every day? Over time it will get thicker and easier to pin on until, in the end, it’s your new “normal”.

Life will never be the same again - how could it be? - but it is still life. It’s a different life - not the one you wanted but the one that’s been handed to you and you will, gradually, learn to live it.

For now, all you have to do is get up everyday, shower and clean your teeth and breathe in and out until it’s time to go to bed again. If you can just do that then you’re winning.

Hugs

Sky

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#14

Hi Tre
So very sorry to hear your sad loss.
Ilost my Mike to cancer in January after a short time and I felt and feel just like you.
I felt totally lost and alone. I have no family at all and live alone. Friends have kept me going. Its just an existence. If it wasnt for my friends I dont think I would be here today. This web site has been such a comfort and I always felt that it was so comforting to message on this site when feeling so low. I am not saying it gets better but we go on. I and friends who have lost their partners recently still cry its like a wave with me one minute I am ok ish next tearful. I have an empty flat I go out meet friends come back and the flat is empty no Mike. Life is unfair but remember the good times you have had and try to imagine yor partner is looking down on you, I do! take care keep messaging Suex

#15

Thank you for you’re word, they do offer some comfort.

I to also live alone but struggle to even want to go out, if it wasn’t for work and my little dog I don’t think I’d get out of bed, weekends are very tough as I really feel the loneliness. I get invited out but don’t go as I feel their just doing it out of pity as before he died I spent all my time with him, so I just go and stand by his grave to he close to him.

I keep hoping that this has been some nightmare that I’m going to wake up from and he’s going to be there, I imagine him sat in his chair, in the bed next to me, but he’s not, and the future without him scares me. I don’t want to live a life where I just exist, but that is what I do.

I know I’m grieving but this is so hard.

#16

Again you write what I feel. I keep wanting to shake this horrible nightmare from my life. But instead I feel like I am dying very slowly from my broken heart. It is excruciating.

#17

Words for my journal today…sad alone scared mad angry nervous overwhelmed confused lonely restless unsure unable unrelenting disbelieving disappearing alone forever eternity time wife husband couple married love

#18

Resentful, bitter.
I say these word because that how I feel that it happened to us, why not someone else, someone who had lived a full life, not someone who was too young to die.
I resent seeing couples walking hand in hand, happy.
And then I feel bad because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, no matter how old, but why us, peoples live in unhappy marriages, we didn’t, he was my best friend and my husband, I wanted to be with him all the time, so this is cruel

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#19

Tre…
…i echo everything you said in your first post…we have a future, we are still here but not a future we want, we just want our old past-our old future back…and as for outsiders remarks on " it will get better in time…" i have never heard such " idiotic " remarks…what do they mean, it will get better…what like having a cold, or a tooth taken out at the dentist after the numbness wares off…they are living on " cloud cuckoo land…"

Jackie…((( hugs to all )))

#20

The “New Normal”, life will never be normal again, it’s just an existence.
“You’ll move on” to what?
Just say nothing if that’s all they have, because unless you have walked in these shoes you have not one iota what your talking about or how I feel.
For me my life ended the day he died.

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