Well it is seven weeks for me now and not getting any better, cry even sob on a regular basis but I talk to H every day looking over my shoulder as I am sure she is watching me wherever she is now, I have a canvas of my favourite picture of her on the wall beside the bed so that H is the last thing I see every night and the first thing I see every morning I alway say good night and good morning to her, additionally her pillows are still on the bed the two she put her head on and the one she cuddled every night which now takes her place in the bed, I stroke it every night just as I used to stroke her bum.
H’s ashes are on the mantlepiece with a small picture of her that I kiss every day, these are all things I intend to do for the rest of my life she may not physically be with me but will be in my my mind forever.
They say the grief has a direct correlation to Love all I can say is I must have loved her so much.
And me! I do love Mark so much!
Every night I hold the necklace I bought him nearly thirty years ago, he never took it off, not once,
He died on January 8th this year, and for some reason, my emotions have exploded these past two days, and I am finding it hard to go on. I cry so much that I can hardly breathe, I have tried to keep busy every day, but I have hit a brick wall now and I am desperately sad .
Yes it is getting no better .if anything getting worse. I miss so much my life is now is crap xx
And me Dave, I am just trying to cope, but it’s so hard xx
I do not even wanna go to bed .i will not sleep
I just want him back, I know it’s impossible, but the future looks so bleak without him xx
everything comes in waves, there does not seem to be anything in particular but I might look at something and a memory will come flooding in or I might be doing something, today it was making beef stew a simple thing I know but when it came to the dumplings it suddenly dawned on me that was something H used to do and that brought on a short but intense sobbing session, I agree it is not getting any better and I do not think it ever will but I still have to live with it.
Like you I want H back more than anything else in the world, I have tried begging bargaining offering myself in her place but I know in my heart it will never happen the only positive I have from all of the grief is knowing that H will never have to go through the same grief and loneliness I now feel.
Today, I was reading his text messages he sent me, one said that I was the beautiful woman he had chosen to spend his life with, and now I can’t stop crying, thinking that he should have had many more years with me, he was just fifty eight.
I too have done all the bargaining and begging, praying it could be me, it would have been better for everyone if it was me, Mark was such a capable, friendly person, he would have been better here for our children, rather than me,
H was 66 and had fought cancer for two and a half years, was originally given six months but H was always stubborn you would think that we had a lot of time to prepare but it still hits you so badly at first the grief was overwhelming the drive home on the night of her leaving was one I will never forget I was totally numb.
I am still checking her e-mails and other stuff and slowly but surely unsubscribing her from the various sites she used to visit.
I am going to try and get some sleep have been averaging about three to four hours a night and am completely knackered, what I have noticed is that I am not dreaming well I cannot remember any which normally means no deep sleep which is not good but I do not want to see the GP only to be given some tablets as I already take to many for other things.
Good night all.
I am doing the same with Marks e-mails.
I can imagine your pain on the night H passed, going home alone must have been horrendous,
I got up to go to work, Mark was still in his chair, I screamed and pleaded with him to wake up, when the paramedics arrived, I couldn’t understand why they were not doing anything, I thought they would save him, instead the police arrived to question me. I didn’t have any idea of what was going on, I was in shock, the worst day of my life!!
Goodnight, I hope you can sleep xx
Goodnight xx
Morning everyone. Sun shining here .i have to go out .i need some food stuff xxx
Morning all, had my usual three to four hours sleep and have been doing various housework type things so will probably have a couple of naps during the day to try and catch up but usually only for half an hour or so.
No sun here looking out over the Moray Firth and it is a dull grey overcast day and quite windy so no going out today, weather has been fantastic for the last couple of weeks but we will probably now pay the price.
Garden is looking great at the moment but I do not get much pleasure out of it as all I can see is the hard work H put into making it look as good as it is, this was her favourite time of year the garden is waking up flowers and blossom everywhere the bees and other insects buzzing around and the sparrows nesting in the several bird boxes around the garden she would be out weeding and tidying up while I look after the lawn.
The garden is a great memorial to her and I will be very sad to leave it when I eventually move but is is also a source of great pain to me as every time I go out and cut the grass I can see her kneeling on the ground weeding then I have to stop sit down and have a weep at the memory.
This pain will never go away and I know I will not be able to run away from it but I realise I need to get on with what is left of my life, H will always be with me and I will always suffer the pain that love and memories bring but I will need to accept that there is no going back and as H always said “it is what it is” which was her mantra throughout her life and in particular during her fight with cancer.
One of the truest facts I have ever heard is that you cannot change the past but you can manage the future and along with H’s mantra this is how I intend to live the remainder of my life along with H always in my thoughts.
Wow sun has just broken through and cloud disappearing still a bit windy but looks like another nice day is blossoming but the weather like my moods changes very quickly up here, the most important thing is that we have a better day today than yesterday and that each day gets better in whatever size increments as anything helps.
Its quite nice here, so far.
Hope you have a nice day.
Hello
Sun shining her too.
Hope you have a good day xx