Hit the lowest point

Yes you will it will just take time you will need to be there for your grandchildren I know what you mean about a Brocken heart mine was broke the day my Robert died just try and think about all the happy times you had together we both were lucky we had someone in our life’s that we loved very much some people don’t get that just take each day at a time I’m here any time you need to talk take care xx

Hello Kath,so sorry to hear of your loss. My husband just collapsed in front of me; I did everything I could but to no use. The hospital said he was a healthy man , what a stupid thing to say when he was dead ! He died in May, we had 44 years together and I was feeling that I was learning to cope when the car wouldn’t start on Wednesday and it all came out again. All the pain is just bubbling underneath the skin , all the unfairness , all the emptiness. I keepthinking that I’m not such a bad person that this should happen to me but it’s not just me, there are lots of people in the same pain & talking on this site has helped me, so I hope it helps you and Colin, Dave, Janey , Mel and all you others out there. I write to Paul every day and some days there is a lot of bad language but it seems to help somehow.I make lists of things to do for each day to get to lunch time so I don’t have to think. You will find it gets easier to do things but that doesn’t mean the loss goes away, it just hides to give you a break. Anyway folks, my Nemesis Saturday ( the day it happened to me ) is here again and I’m gritting my teeth & feeling sick as usual but together we can do this.Good thoughts to everyone. Su

Hi so sorry to hear of your loss it’s the same for me it was such a shock and that’s what I find hard there are so many thoughts running through your head feelings of guilt thinking why didn’t I notice that he may not have been feeling well but there was no indication what so ever I’m really dreading Christmas I don’t know how I will get through it . I have my family that are brilliant at making me feel loved but I so miss my husband, best friend , soulmate , he was everything to me and I don’t know how I will ever feel whole again part of me is missing and that’s what I can’t get over it hurts so much x

Hi Fleur

My language has become appalling as well though know my Mother would be a bit shocked!

Nemesis Saturday indeed. Mum died in the early hours of Sunday morning so Saturday nights are always painful for me. I had been told to prepare myself as Mum had only a couple of days left but was still the most terrible shock and can’t forget it.

Shall watch Strictly Come Dancing later on (a favourite of Mums) and tell her about the celebrities this year. Slightly bitter sweet as we went with a crowd of friends to a fancy dress party years ago as the contestants of that year. Can’t remember who Mum was but i went as Julian Clary!

Good thoughts to you too and all others on this site

Mel.

Dave morning to you hope you had a good weekend your in my thoughts i wish i lived nearer id pop round you could put the kettle on we could have a chat .Get back to me whenever and however often you wish .Your new tinternet friend lol Colin

Colin

Yesterday was a very good day with my daughters and grandson, a little emotion in the evening at the fireworks but our little grandson loved them at his first display and nanny would have been so proud of him.
Today hasn’t been such a good day it’s been raining most of the day and haven’t been out so it’s been somewhat of a long day. How about yourself Colin how has your weekend been.
It is such a pity that we aren’t closer that we could just pop round within a few minutes and have a chat and a drink.
Dave

hi Dave bonfire was frubbish we used to love it,Today stepson came round with his fiance hes had a tattoo done with the date of his mums death .Me personally thats not my thing and ill remember 4.3 2016 for the rest of my life yep big shame Dave swe not close if you want i will send you my phone number in pm? i get free calls 247 with phone contract take care Dave speak soon

Tattoos are not my seen either nor June’s but saying that what a lovely thought from your stepson.
We can private message on here if you would prefer Colin or if you wish you can send me your number but my phone is a company phone and I have to pay for private calls and texts, so it’s easier for me via this site.
Dave

Hi Dave, sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. I’ve been having a few bad days as Teds birthday was a couple of weeks ago and our wedding anniversary is a week on Sunday I’m not looking forward to that. The pain we are all feeling is something we have to get through for the loved ones we still have with us, it’s not the same I know. I talk to Ted every day and I want him back but I just remind myself that he’s no longer in pain. Every time I cry I can hear him saying ‘stop it’ which is what he’d say to me when he was here. Teds sister comes every Monday as she has done for almost two years while Ted was ill and I just can’t bear to think of a time when she won’t come as she reminds me of him. My daughter has also been great and has been with me just about every day for the last 12 weeks since Ted passed away and I really miss her on the days I don’t see her but she has her own life and two children to look after. One of the worst parts is coming into an empty house.
Keep you chin up and let’s hope we can find that light at the end of the tunnel it’s there somewhere.
Jackie

Thanks Jackie, that must be so hard for you and my heart and thoughts are with you. The time for someone to pass is never the right time but must be difficult around birthdays and anniversaries. June’s birthday and our anniversary isn’t till June so for me a long way off but guess you like me Jackie are dreading Christmas.
Your family though Teds sister and your daughter sound lovely and so supportive, yes I’m finding that some of June’s side of the family and some of our friends are starting to dwindle away and I haven’t heard from them for days/weeks, but the true Ines are still there. They will keep checking on you, you all need each other as they have lost someone too and feel pain.
Oh Jackie how so right you are, I tend to find I’m doing jobs like shopping filling the car etc on my way home as it not I just get home lock the door and just spend most of the night these last few weeks breaking down, but doing this before Inget home I feel guilty that I’m late home to June.
I really do hope somehow or someone will take this pain away and open up that light at the end of the tunnel.
Take care
Dave

Oh Dave you are so right I’m trying not to think about Christmas but with grandchildren it’s some times hard not to. I’ve booked a couple of days in Edinburgh for when it’s our anniversary as it’s a place we both loved to visit, but I’m already thinking about cancelling it but then I don’t really know what I want to do or where I want to be on the day of our anniversary.
The friends that rang every day then stopped I don’t mind so much it’s the ones that said they would ring or call round but then did neither. But then again I do understand in away as it’s hard for them to know what to say the thing is you don’t want them to say anything just be there for when you want to say something that they don’t even have to answer. Hope that makes sense.
I’ll say good night and hope we get some sleep.
Take care and talk again.
Jackie

Jackie sorry didn’t reply last night as I must have fallen asleep but again in the sofa. I’m going to have to push myself at Christmas for my daughters and of course our grandson, it will be lovely see his face this year opening presents as he will understand it more this year but of course the first Christmas without June will be so very hard and of course she won’t she the happiness on his face.
I’ve booked a few days in London end of this month as me and June used to have a week off around this time and visit places in UK for a couple of days, it’ll be hard but again it’s a first I feel I need to do to try and move on. Jackie try and keep that booking and take Ted with you in some form, I’ll be taking a photo to put by the bed and also a photo in my pocket.
I know exactly what you mean and everyone told me that this would happen that people dwindle away and get on with there lives, it’s so strange how people can text you everyday for weeks then all of a sudden stop overnight and then text you out of the blue with some excuse but hope your ok and you know where we are. Guess you’ve had those messages to ah.
Anyway up early a bit this morning as off to work meeting at customers which is an hour away from office.
Hope you are ok and speak to you soon
Dave

My heart goes out to you…I have lost so many of my family over the years but most importantly my father 11 years ago and on the 20/10/16 my big brother he was just 43. I have so many mixed emotions and feel i need to speak to him to tell him that i love him as i never did…i do talk to him but of course he never answers but i know he can hear me…Your wife can hear you too and her strength is within you… Please try and be strong keep going and carry her with you in your heart. This may sound silly but when i lost my dad i got a tattoo i did the same with my brother and believe it or not it helps i feel like they are with me all the time and they always will be :slight_smile: Take care we are all here for you x

In reply to Janey and all subsequent comments.
Mickath73 sounds very similar to my story. My husband died on 28th July, 2016. I had known him for 40 years. The problem I find is that because I am very independent and can put on a front that others think I am coping really well. I even say this to others. However that is not true, my motivation is affected, I feel guilty when I cannot take my 18 month old labrador for a walk (thankfully this is rare). Today I took two bags of clothes to charity (not all my husband’s clothes and I haven’t got the ability to do this yet) and I was in tears as I walked away from the charity shop. I want to get back to volunteering (as I took early retirement at 60) but feel that dealing with emotional things would be hard. Any suggestions would be grateful. Counselling is a good idea and I am on a waiting list.

Mary, I find that people keep saying to me that I’m coping really well but they don’t see the times when I go to make a cup of tea and get two cups out of the cupboard and then realise and I end up in tears. I packed away all my husbands cloths on Monday of this week with the help of his sister for the charity shop it wasn’t an easy job but seeing them wasn’t easy either. I’ve kept a few items one is his blazer which he wore last year at my grandsons scout remembrance service which still have his medals pined to it, hopefully my grandson will wear them at this years service. I don’t think anyone can help with the emotional feelings it’s just something that takes time. I asked Ted’s palliative care nurse about volunteering at our local hospice after she died and she advised that it would be too hard emotionally and to leave it for a while Ted died in August this year. I’ve found the lovely people on here a true life line as we are all going through the same thing.
Take care
Jackie

Hi it gives me some sort of comfort knowing that there are others out there like me because when you are going through such grief you feel like no one understands . It is so hard to explain what these feelings are like when you have lost your soulmate and partner for life . I sometimes feel like people don’t want to talk about it anymore and that you should be getting on with it even though I know that’s not true . It actually feels like my heart is broken in two and I think to myself how do I fix it but I know that will never happen. I still have all my husbands belongings , I can’t bring myself to move them even his slippers are still where he left them that morning. Grief brings with it lots of different feelings like anger , deep sadness, selfishness , dread of the unknown and I don’t know how to deal with them except by crying my heart out . I just wish I could turn back the clock and erase August 2016 from my life but that’s not to be . I just wish I knew where to go from here x

Hi, I’m right there with you re 2016. Non of us know how we will or do deal with the loss but we have to. We are all different and deal with the loss in different ways and it’s whatever it takes to get us through. I’ve stayed at my daughters last night and this morning I found myself thinking Ted will be wondering where I am. Like all of us on here where we go next is we get up in the morning and take the next step. A lady on this site called Wendy said once we are like tightly curled ferns and little by little we will unfold, I found that comforting. Apologies Wendy if I’ve miss quoted. I’ve found a lot of comfort from talking to everyone on here because makes you realise your not on your own and others are going through the same as you.

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Hi Mary,

I see this is your first post on the site - welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. I am glad that you have found our community and that you have already had some supportive replies to your post.

It is normal for your motivation to be affected and for you not to feel able to do as much. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

It is great that you are considering volunteering, this could be a really positive step when you feel ready.

Sue Ryder is one place that has lots of volunteer roles available - including lots in our charity shops, where you can meet new people and support the charity but wouldn’t have to come into contact with the more emotional parts of our work: https://www.sueryder.org/get-involved/volunteering

Mary please accept my sincere condolences for your loss of your husband, I too lost my wife a month later on 28th August after 33 years of marriage.
You are so correct with putting on a front as I’m very much like that too now after the initial shock of losing June. I find also that people, your family and friends put on a brace face for you as they don’t wish to make you upset and get upset themselves. It then you find a few days later via a third party that they had a bad day themselves but guess what I’m trying to say is we are all independent as I am but take it from me when I’m behind closed doors the emotions all come out big time.
I like you have tidied a few things but can’t bring myself to sorting June’s clothes out yet.
I too am looking for any ideas of help on how to move on, counselling for me just lets me talk to someone and yes get upset still after 5 weeks now, but I just keep getting the same reply it takes time and everyone’s grief is different. June and I planned for everything, well apart from losing her at a young age if 52 wasn’t planned. So it’s hard for me to come to terms with all those plans we had for early retirement in about 8 years and all the things we were going to do together in the future have just gone, so I feel that I have no purpose in life anymore and just exist from day to day rather then live.
I do have work as a distraction but hate going home to an empty house in the evenings, I’ve been told by my counsellor that many people who have lost love ones go into or back into volunteering but again they say that only you know when the time is right.
Always here for a chat if you wish Mary as others on this site are and they are all lovely people who take the time to listen to you and share their thoughts and experiences.
Take care Dave

Thank you JackieJT your message was extremely helpful

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